# If you frequently ask someone to give you a ride, what do/should you do in return? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 28, 2023, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249 "2023-08-28T23:29:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2023, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/41 "2023-08-29T22:34:21Z")
Yeah, this smells like covering for a disability to me. Or for a phobia. I spent years afraid of driving myself, before I had a delivery job where I was driving a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2023, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/42 "2023-08-29T22:45:12Z")
Make up a card with your hourly rate and what you charge per mile. Minimum fee one hour and 20 miles. When she asks for a ride, hand her a card and tell her that’s what it will cost her. No more favors, make her pay. (ETA: up front!) Or just tell her to call an Uber. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/43 "2023-08-30T00:28:24Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Also if you give her rides, do so in her car. Say you’re worried about expenses and are trying to save the wear and tear on your car. If her car needs gas, use her card to pay for it. Don’t do this. Is she maintaining the car? I wouldn’t want to drive a car i didn’t know that no one was taking care of. Just tell her it’s not working for you any more, and suggest she call an Uber. ---
**Author:** ![cincinnatus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cincinnatus/32/7990_2.png) [@cincinnatus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cincinnatus)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/44 "2023-08-30T03:45:28Z")
I may have missed it here, but what about her husband? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/45 "2023-08-30T07:42:39Z")
Possible, but seems unlikely that she’d have a phobia of driving, plus also a phobia of compensating others for driving. ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/46 "2023-08-30T10:08:33Z")
There might be quite a few other things going on but before you necessarily jump to those conclusions, it might be worthwhile to look up the difference between [guess vs ask cultures](https://www.google.com/search?q=guess+vs+ask+culture). There’s a lot of cultural conflict that comes from these two cultures talking past each other. From your description, it sounds like you were raised strongly in a guess culture. Mary was supposed to “obviously” figure out from your hints that she was meant to pay for gas and also any request needs to be honored because nobody would ask something unless they desperately needed it. It might be worthwhile first of all to just make sure there isn’t a miscommunication there. People from an ask culture ask to see if something is possible and expect no as a default and are pleasantly surprised when they hear a yes. Ask Mary what would happen if you said no to her and if she has alternate plans already for the case you say no. She might be expecting you to only say yes if it’s convenient and that you would tell her if something is too out of the way. Also ask her if she would like guidance from you over what is appropriate compensation for your time and effort. She might be perfectly willing to compensate but feels it would be overstepping to try and guess your needs ahead of time and would prefer a more defined scheme. Maybe she’s none of those things and the other suppositions in the thread are correct but it’s worthwhile to eliminate the possibility that you’re both good faithedly talking past each other first. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/47 "2023-08-30T13:33:37Z")
Eh, if you’re looking for the best passive-aggressively way to gaslight her is to take her to her next dentist appt 45 minutes away, then leave while she’s with the dentist, with no notice. Ignore her texts from then on. If she confronts you in person, act confused and deny it ever happened. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/48 "2023-08-30T13:42:40Z")
Curious? Would that bring legal consequences? ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/49 "2023-08-30T14:01:21Z")
IANAL, but I don’t see how. The person is a competent adult, to whom you owe no duty of care. You’ve left them in a safe location - it’s not like you kicked them out of a car in the middle of a blizzard miles from shelter. There’s no consideration, so no contract, so no breach. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/50 "2023-08-30T14:14:48Z")
No, I think if you give her a ride to the dentist, it’s a dick move to abandon her there without telling her so and helping her make alternative arrangements (like Uber or whatever). Edited to add, that there might be an _implied_ agreement that you would give her a ride home. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/51 "2023-08-30T14:26:58Z")
“A dick move” is precisely how I thought of the suggestion. But I got the impression that it was intended as such (“if you’re looking for the best passive-aggressively way to gaslight her”). Many dick moves are perfectly legal. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/52 "2023-08-30T14:55:44Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > I know I have tendencies that way, my mother always stressed me being helpful and friendly to everyone and I guess I internalized it too well. Being helpful and friendly to people is a good practice in general. But you have to be aware that some people abuse this. You can still be friendly to those people but you have to draw a line on the helpfulness. You don’t have to be rude to this woman. But when she calls you to ask for a ride, just tell her that you can’t because you are going to be busy at that time. Do this a few times and she’ll stop depending on you for rides and start making other arrangements. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/53 "2023-08-30T14:57:06Z")
Imagine what she would need to do if you weren’t available. Then make yourself unavailable. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/54 "2023-08-30T15:05:19Z")
Exactly. It’s a total dick move, but also probably legal (unless someone can show how it isn’t). The kind of thing that gets you irrevocably off the “I should keep asking this person for a ride” list. Though I think if there’s a long delay, like what inspired the OP, and you tell her you’re leaving, and she can come or stay as she pleases, that’s not a dick move at all - agreeing to drive someone to the dentist isn’t an indefinite servitude agreement. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2023, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/55 "2023-08-30T18:15:30Z")
I don’t see any reason to be a dick, or pull a passive-aggressive attack. I tend towards the straightforward interaction. Tell her explicitly that giving her rides isn’t working for you any longer, so you won’t be doing it again. Don’t get sucked into details about what isn’t working, or what might make it work. Just politely repeat that you won’t be giving her future rides. If she says she’ll be stuck, and you want to be helpful, suggest rideshare, taxis, or delivery. Or just say that you trust she can find some other way to do what she needs that doesn’t involve you. ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2023, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/56 "2023-08-31T00:49:49Z")
Some of the suggestions in this thread are just irresponsible. Abandoning this woman 45 minutes away? You want to burn down the entire relationship with a neighbor? That’s mad. ---
**Author:** ![alovem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@alovem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alovem)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2023, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/57 "2023-08-31T06:05:02Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > But you have to be aware that some people abuse this. Yeah, and many of them are on the lookout for doormats. It takes a real piece-of-shit person to get a thrill out of exploiting another’s good will, but they’re definitely out there and there are more of them than one might think. IMO, some of them think it’s a win-win situation and are happy to let the doormats allow themselves to be exploited, and others resent the doormats’ virtuousness and intentionally inconvenience them. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2023, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/58 "2023-08-31T06:27:38Z")
> [@alovem](#): > > Yeah, and many of them are on the lookout for doormats. It takes a real piece-of-shit person to get a thrill out of exploiting another’s good will, but they’re definitely out there and there are more of them than one might think. > > IMO, some of them think it’s a win-win situation and are happy to let the doormats allow themselves to be exploited, and others resent the doormats’ virtuousness and intentionally inconvenience them. Maybe I’m naive but I don’t feel this is likely. I don’t feel these users are intentionally annoying the people they use and enjoying the unhappiness they are creating. I feel it’s more likely to be a sense of indifference; they’re looking at the situation exclusively from their point of view - they have somebody who’s driving them around which makes their life better - and they’re not thinking about whether this is inconvenient for the other person. ---
**Author:** ![alovem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@alovem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alovem)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2023, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/59 "2023-08-31T06:31:49Z")
I’ve seen it happen: increasingly unreasonable requests until something gives, much to the amusement of the abuser who says the doormat is a chump. I’ve only seen it happen a few times, so I’ll concede that it’s rare. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2023, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249/60 "2023-08-31T06:34:20Z")
As a non-car-owning (but driving-capable and driving-licensed) small-city resident with numerous very kind friends and colleagues, I often get offers of rides. Here’s my list of etiquette principles for people who, entirely or mostly, can’t or won’t drive themselves: 1. Plan your routine transportation independently of volunteer help. Get a bus pass, and/or a rideshare app, and/or a bicycle. Do not ever just take it for granted that people you know will get you where you need/want to go on a volunteer basis. (There may be some exceptions for members of your own household whom you can negotiate trade-off services with, but otherwise this rule is pretty ironclad.) 2. If you do have to request a ride occasionally from someone you know, give them as much lead time as possible, emphasize that you really appreciate their doing you this favor, and cheerfully accept no for an answer if necessary. You aren’t royalty and nobody owes you a ride anyplace. 3. You should be at the very least offering to chip in on gas money to anyone who gives you a ride more than, say, once a year. Some people who offer a ride under special circumstances, like a work event where they were going to be driving there anyway, get a little bit miffed if they feel they’re being treated like a taxi driver with monetary payment for what they intended as a kindness. So don’t just start waving your wallet around the instant you get into another person’s car. But if somebody’s giving you a ride more than once in a literal blue moon, you should be insisting on their accepting some kind of material recompense for it. 4. You should establish some kind of contributory role in your social circle(s) that balances out the transportation help you receive. It’s VERY easy for some non-drivers just to get into the habit of expecting rides and forgetting or ignoring that this involves a nonzero amount of work and expense for other people. Don’t be that asshole, like the one in the OP’s story. Figure out what “provider” role you’re going to take on that your kindly ride-providers can depend on in their turn. (In my case, it’s mostly being the one to make dinner for the friend group. Also pet-sitting, car-sitting, and doing airport drop-offs and pickups with friends’ cars when they’re traveling, whether or not I’m car-sitting in their absence.) I agree that the OP’s neighbor has egregiously violated every one of these basic etiquette principles and I fully support the OP in her (long overdue) decision never to speak to the exploitative beeyatch again. Sheesh. Some folks, the more you do for them the more you may, y’know? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-frequently-ask-someone-to-give-you-a-ride-what-do-should-you-do-in-return/989249.md?page=4)