# If YOU had a monkey butler, what would you make it do?!?!?! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 21, 2001, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307 "2001-07-21T06:30:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/1 "2001-07-21T06:30:04Z")
Me? I would make my monkey butler bring me drinks held high above his head. I would also make him smile on demand, the kind of monkey smiles that look like an evil grimmace. He would have to smile whenever he handed me a drink. If he spilled a drink the monkey would get SHOCKS! SHOCK the monkey! ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/2 "2001-07-21T06:38:58Z")
he would lovngly give me pedicures. and bring me cherry limeaides. really, I ask for so little 😃 ---
**Author:** ![fenrir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/43a26b/32.png) [@fenrir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fenrir)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/3 "2001-07-21T06:42:01Z")
I’d make my monkey tap dance for me.And i’d probably make him shave.Cos nothings worse than monkey hair in your food. ---
**Author:** ![fenrir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/43a26b/32.png) [@fenrir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fenrir)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/4 "2001-07-21T06:49:14Z")
I’d also have my monkey pick me up from the bar, Because nothings cooler than a monkey driver.And i’d name him fred. ---
**Author:** ![Sultan\_Kinkari](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Sultan\_Kinkari](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sultan_Kinkari)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/5 "2001-07-21T06:58:07Z")
I would have several monkey servants and would use different species for the jobs that best suited their mental and physical capabilities. [list] [li] The **orangutans** would be my personal masseuses. Their arms are strong enough to rip off one of mine with a singly flip of their wrist, which would make them well-suited for deep tissue therapeutics.[/li] Also, they would perform medial tasks which require more intelligenge than that of the average arthropoid. They would balance my checkbook, do my taxes, and press the buttons on my microwave when I make popcorn. They would fix my computer when it breaks and transcribe my SDMB posts while I slowly paced around the room sipping brandy and smoking a cigar. [li] The **chimpanzees** would sympathize with my troubles and make me laugh with their jester-like antics. I would dress them up like cowboys and indians and make them perform for me in theatrical displays while they lip-synched to action movies from the early 1970’s. They would also be the baristas at my espresso cart.[/li] [li] The **Silver Back Apes** would be my armed guards and would answer all calls from unwanted solicitors. They would escort me wherever I went and ensure that I got the best seats and parking spaces. They would ferry me around in a rickshaw chanting “O wee O, OOOOO-O”.[/li][list] ---
**Author:** ![Redboss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8baadc/32.png) [@Redboss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redboss)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/6 "2001-07-21T07:34:24Z")
Smart response **wishbone**! Gee, I was just going to get mine to go after Dorothy and bring her back to me. Redboss [sub] playing the Irving Berlin CD compilation RIGHT NOW!![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/7 "2001-07-21T07:35:39Z")
**wishbone** , what kinda _monkeys_ are those? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sultan\_Kinkari](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Sultan\_Kinkari](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sultan_Kinkari)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/8 "2001-07-21T08:04:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bad News Baboon \* > \*\ ***wishbone** , > what kinda _monkeys_ are those? 😉 > > \*\* What does it matter to [YOU?](http://www.attrition.org/gallery/nature/monkey.jpg) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sultan\_Kinkari](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Sultan\_Kinkari](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sultan_Kinkari)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/9 "2001-07-21T08:06:29Z")
Whoops! I’ll try that again. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bad News Baboon \* > \*\ ***wishbone** , > what kinda _monkeys_ are those? 😉 > > \*\* What does it matter to [You?](http://www.attrition.org/gallery/nature/monkey.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Schwanzong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@Schwanzong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Schwanzong)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/10 "2001-07-21T08:14:43Z")
Toilet cleaning monkeys, definately. Toilet cleaning monkeys. If they were trained to do that there is a fortune to be made. Anyone know where I can get my hands on some trained monkeys? I have even thought up a name for this: “The Flying Monkeys” or “Dorothy’s Maid Service”. ---
**Author:** ![darksenshi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@darksenshi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/darksenshi)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/11 "2001-07-21T08:16:24Z")
I would make my Monkey Butler bring me Iced Tea & onion soup from Outback. He would also be taught to do a little monkey dance for my enjoyment!!! ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/12 "2001-07-21T08:46:17Z")
I would make him go take care of [Homer](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=996088#post996088) for me 😉 ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/13 "2001-07-21T16:10:45Z")
My monkey butler would be dressed like Jeff Hardy. His job would be to bring me and Stinky Paws snacks and beverages so we’d never have to get out of bed. He would also keep the massage oil bottles full and the handcuffs oiled and shiny. He’d also remind us when Raw and Smackdown were coming on. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/14 "2001-07-21T16:20:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by chique \* > **I would make him go take care of [Homer](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=996088#post996088) for me 😉** You disappointed me, **chique**. I was expecting to see [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=37864). ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/15 "2001-07-21T16:25:57Z")
I’d send my monkey butler to **Crunchy** ’s house, because I think he has more need of one. And then my monkey butler and his monkey butler could make little baby monkey butlers, and we could enslave the world! Bwahahahaaa … [sub][sup]what? Why is everyone looking at me?[/sup][/sub] ---
**Author:** ![wayward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@wayward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wayward)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/16 "2001-07-21T17:21:56Z")
I’d name my monkey Simon and get him to dress as an 18th century aristocrat. I would teach him how to read and then shut him in a library for three weeks. Hopefully he’d pick up some useful stuff like how to make pies or darn socks or break-dance. The only problem I can see is that he might end up in the science section and then spend all day trying to lecture me about super-strings and quantum theory. If he did that I’d cut him. Oh, and I’d sit him at a typewriter for an hour every day and see if he comes up with the complete works of Shakespeare. I doubt it. Stupid monkey. ---
**Author:** ![Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Tommy\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/17 "2001-07-21T17:28:38Z")
Good God **McDuck**!!! As I was reading this thread, one thing kept going through my mind. Breakdancing. Too odd. ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/18 "2001-07-21T17:43:06Z")
LMAO McDuck, too funny. ---
**Author:** ![Studi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Studi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Studi)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/19 "2001-07-21T17:44:37Z")
They’d do the damn dishes. Damn it. Studi ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/20 "2001-07-21T18:10:15Z")
I’d name mine “Jeeves” and he would be responsible to keep the lair tidy and do laundry. It would give Lola and I more time to go a little ape ourselves. I might even have the time to hang that trapeze bar in the bedroom. 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307.md?page=2)