# If YOU had a monkey butler, what would you make it do?!?!?! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 21, 2001, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307 "2001-07-21T06:30:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/21 "2001-07-21T21:58:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by chique \* > > **I would make him go take care of [Homer](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=996088#post996088) for me šŸ˜‰** > > You disappointed me, **chique**. I was expecting to see [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=37864). \*\* Yah, but it was late and I was drunk and couldnā€™t find it and gave up searching and ā€¦ Damn. Never mind. [sub]What the hell was it doing in IMHO??[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![waterj2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/858c86/32.png) [@waterj2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/waterj2)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/22 "2001-07-21T22:19:36Z")
I think Homer might have been drunk when he posted it. I canā€™t believe that thread still cracks me up every time I read it. Also, it probably has the highest views:posts ratio. ---
**Author:** ![waterj2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/858c86/32.png) [@waterj2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/waterj2)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/23 "2001-07-21T22:20:43Z")
I think Homer might have been drunk when he posted it. I canā€™t believe that thread still cracks me up every time I read it. Also, it probably has the highest views:posts ratio. ---
**Author:** ![Homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2001, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/24 "2001-07-21T23:14:58Z")
:D:D:D:D Iā€™d teach it to stop me from posting drunk! :D:D:D:D ā€“Tim ---
**Author:** ![Starbury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Starbury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starbury)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/25 "2001-07-22T01:01:37Z")
To be totally honest, I canā€™t think of anything more entertaining than making the monkey butler wear a suit and dance to opera music. The idea of that has consistently made me laugh out loud since September. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/26 "2001-07-22T02:07:16Z")
Monkey butler would be responsible for walking three paces ahead of me, scattering rose petals for me to tread on. Monkey butler would be in charge of the ostrich feather fan that he would slowly wave over my reclining form to cool me as I lay poolside. Duh. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/27 "2001-07-22T06:27:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wishbone \* > What does it matter to [You?](http://www.attrition.org/gallery/nature/monkey.jpg) LMAO! A picture of a genuine BAD News baboon!! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/28 "2001-07-22T11:38:51Z")
My monkey butler plans involve the monkey (a rather **large monkeyā€¦** ), a Blande, and the Empire State Building! Thatā€™s rightā€¦ _ **Backgammon!** _ What? Something else? ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/29 "2001-07-22T11:48:08Z")
Iā€™d rather have a squirrel butler and a phalanx of stoats who would fetch me coffee. The coffee stoats would yomp along in a 3Ɨ4 formation, carrying on their backs a silver tray loaded with coffee jug, cups and saucers. The squirrel butler would give the coffee stoats drill instruction in the back yard. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/30 "2001-07-22T11:54:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tansu \* > \*\*Iā€™d rather have a squirrel butler and a phalanx of stoats who would fetch me coffee. The coffee stoats would yomp along in a 3Ɨ4 formation, carrying on their backs a silver tray loaded with coffee jug, cups and saucers. The squirrel butler would give the coffee stoats drill instruction in the back yard. \*\* Squirrels & stoats are for gimps, wimps, geeks & freaks **Tansu**. We will strap you down to a table & give you electric shocks until you, and we, forget you ever said it. And **Whammo** ā€™s got a _long_ memory. :wally ---
**Author:** ![Tansu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@Tansu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tansu)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2001, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/31 "2001-07-22T12:06:30Z")
I _am_ a freak. Tell you what, Iā€™ll take a gorilla chauffeur in burgundy and gold livery. How would that be? ---
**Author:** ![Jeeves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@Jeeves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeeves)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/32 "2001-07-23T05:09:10Z")
Wait a minute **Feynn** , **I** do housekeeping and laundry, does that mean Iā€™m a monkey? Eeeee ooooo eeeeee whoooo eeeeee oooooo eeeeeeeeeeee whooooo eeeeeeeee oooooooooooo eeeeeeee! Jeeves ---
**Author:** ![wayward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@wayward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wayward)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/33 "2001-07-23T09:39:29Z")
If your monkey butler was naughty, would you spank the monkey? ---
**Author:** ![Obvious\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Obvious\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obvious_Guy)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/34 "2001-07-23T11:36:44Z")
Sure seems like a good idea now, turn then into servants or dress them up like Backstreet Boys for our personal amusement. But then they rebel and its a planet of apes, imagine that šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/35 "2001-07-23T16:47:36Z")
Monkeys are over-rated. I want ferrets. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/36 "2001-07-23T19:21:59Z")
I would like to have a monkey butler, but eventually Iā€™d feel bad about it. Monkey butlers deserve to be free! Free to roam his ancestral homeland, with all the other ex-butler monkeys. But seeing as he was raised in captivity, I couldnā€™t release him into the jungle, heā€™d never survive with all the dangerous wallabees and sloths and stoats and such. So Iā€™d have to let him go someplace a little more civilized, where heā€™d have a better chance at survival. Like the mall. ā€œGo, monkey butler! Be free! Iā€™llā€¦ _sob_ā€¦ Iā€™ll never forget you. Ever.ā€ [sub]Roll credits as the monkey butler makes a beeline for Victoriaā€™s secret, scattering screaming mallgoers in its wake.[/sub] By the way, is there anything thatā€™s more fun to say than the phrase ā€œmonkey butlerā€? I could say that all day. In fact, I will. ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/37 "2001-07-23T20:29:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Funky McDuck \* > \*\*If your monkey butler was naughty, would you spank the monkey? \*\* NOOOOOOO!!! SHOCKS! Shock the monkeys!! ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2001, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/38 "2001-07-23T21:19:59Z")
Iā€™d get me one of them hot Helena Bonham Carter monkeys, heh heh hehā€¦ purely for monkey business only šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2001, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/39 "2001-07-24T05:10:27Z")
Well, he could cook for me, but it would probably be mostly stuff made out of grubs and bananas, and while Iā€™m not a picky eater, that might get old after awhile. I wouldnā€™t want him living in, either, because you never know these days and he might gossip at the dry cleanerā€™s about my private life. ---
**Author:** ![Bob\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bob\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bob_Scene)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2001, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307/40 "2001-07-24T09:44:31Z")
My monkey butler would be responsible for opening and closing the goddamn front door every 10 minutes so my stupid cat could go in and out. When he wasnā€™t bringing me a beer. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-a-monkey-butler-what-would-you-make-it-do/73307.md?page=3)