# If you had Jedi Powers-pointless and stupid things you'd do **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 8, 2002, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918 "2002-06-08T00:52:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2002, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/21 "2002-06-08T23:21:43Z")
Oh, definitely the power of suggestion: Panhandler: Gimme some change Broomstick: _You don’t really want to ask me for money_ Panhandler: I don’t want ask you for money Broomstick: _You want to take a bath… Lake Michigan is over there_ Pandhandler: I’m going to go over there and take a bath Telemarketer: Hi! I have a GREAT opportunity for – Broomstick: _Your job really sucks_ Telemarketer: Hey, this job really sucks Broomstick: _Welfare would be preferable_ Telemarketer: I’d rather be on welfare Broomstick: _Go back to school… a community college, maybe_ Telemarketer: I think maybe I’ll go back to community college… FAA: We have a report you violated airspace over Mayor Daley’s townhouse in Chicago, dropping toilet paper and whoopie cushions over the neighborhood. Broomstick: _You never received that notice_ FAA: Sorry, ma’am, there seems to have been a mistake… Broomstick: _You should delete that erroneous information_ FAA: I’ll have to go back to the district office and fix this. Broomstick: _It was that pilot over there, Fat Bastard, and his friend, Jerkezoid_ FAA: I’m really sorry, I can’t imagine how I read “Fat Bastard” as “Broomstick”… Broomstick: _Apologize one more time._ (Scene of abject groveling ensues…) ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2002, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/22 "2002-06-09T01:02:01Z")
I’d finally find out just what my ferrets are thinking. Oh, and nudge a few Mega Bucks numbers in my favor. ---
**Author:** ![Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/73ab20/32.png) [@Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caesar_s_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2002, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/23 "2002-06-09T04:40:10Z")
I’d play tennis really, really, really well. Not only could I hit the ball EVERY TIME, but I could move the opponent out of the way, as well as direct the ball where I wanted it. I guess that would be good for golf, too. Bwahaha. I could read teachers’ minds to see the exact answer to the questions they were asking. And the Jedi Mind Trick…oh, I could do many, many things with that. Too numerous to mention. From grownups, to druggies (ala _AOTC_), to presidents. ---
**Author:** ![Blackclaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2002, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/24 "2002-06-09T12:52:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smeghead \* > \*\*I’d stage impressive light saber battles in public places to impress chicks. It’s the Jedi way. \*\* I really must recommend, at least for those of you blessed with broadband, a little film called “Your lightsaber and You.” I learned so much about the Jedi way in this film I simply cannot commend it enough. Most importantly I learned not to point your lightsaber towards your face before turning it on. [http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/your\_lightsaber](http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/your_lightsaber) ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/25 "2002-06-10T01:31:29Z")
You will all pay for your lack of vision. Two words. Force Lightning. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/26 "2002-06-10T02:31:32Z")
Man, I’d be over to the Dark Side sooo fast! ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/27 "2002-06-10T02:40:28Z")
Wedgies at random to people who piss me off. That would be plenty enough for me. ---
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/28 "2002-06-10T11:18:18Z")
I would use it to ensure I never paid for beer again… No, wait, I don’t do that anyway! Can I have another go? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/29 "2002-06-10T13:14:56Z")
Three words… HOLE - IN - ONE ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/30 "2002-06-10T20:32:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Man, I’d be over to the Dark Side sooo fast! \*\* I hear you there. First time a coworker breaks their computer… “Hi, slortar…office is doing something…GAAAHH!!” “DIE!” _zot_ ---
**Author:** ![Dale\_The\_Bold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dale\_The\_Bold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dale_The_Bold)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/31 "2002-06-10T21:08:34Z")
Anytime someone got angry, I’d put incresing pressure on their testicles. If they ever got too angry, _POP_. This would end road rage. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Elvis_Rojo)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/32 "2002-06-10T21:36:16Z")
Speaking of road rage, I’d have to work really hard to get the levitation thing down just right, but I tell you what…I’d have entire lanes of the highway to myself. And that slow fuck driving twenty in a fourtyfive? ::FLIP:: “OFF THE ROAD WITH YE!!!” Then I’d use the jedi mind trick to make all my female friend STOP THINKING THAT THEY’RE FAT. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/33 "2002-06-10T21:59:54Z")
Too many of you aren’t thinking small enough, look to **wolfman** for inspiration. I’d never again have to bend over to pick up dirty laundry on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/34 "2002-06-10T22:05:23Z")
Erase Jar Jar Binks and his entire species of bell-bottom clad aliens from the imagination of George Lucas before he created that abomination “The Phantom Menace”. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/35 "2002-06-10T23:00:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dale The Bold \* > \*\*Anytime someone got angry, I’d put incresing pressure on their testicles. If they ever got too angry, _POP_. > > This would end road rage. \*\* Note to self: NEVER cut Dale off in traffic… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Minor\_Irritant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Minor\_Irritant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minor_Irritant)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/36 "2002-06-10T23:46:40Z")
Force lightning, eh? “Dude, it’s only five minutes late! I don’t have your stupid Crazy Bread!” “Your feeble pizza-delivery skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side. And now, young pizza boy…you will die.” FZAP! I’d need a bathrobe to complete the look, of course, but still… ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2002, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/37 "2002-06-10T23:47:13Z")
From _Highlights_: Gallant uses the Force to help people. Goofus uses the Force to lift watches and wallets. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2002, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/38 "2002-06-11T02:14:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by El Elvis Rojo \* > \*\*Then I’d use the jedi mind trick to make all my female friends STOP THINKING THAT THEY’RE FAT. \*\* I wanna be El Elvis Rojo’s friend. Will you make me stop noticing my hair is all split-endy too? \I make great lasagna.\ I’d make people who try to merge onto the freeway at 40mph drive faster, if it was safe. I’d mind-control the Devil’s Grandfather into cleaning the garage. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2002, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918/39 "2002-06-11T02:41:04Z")
The downside of all of this: Scene: the DMV Me: I’d like to transfer the title of this car into my name, please. Dillhole: I’m sorry, sir, you stepped up to the window before I called you. You’ll have to go to the back of the line. Me: _You are mistaken. You called me first._ Dillhole: Heh, heh, heh. Stupid Jedi mind trick. Heh, heh, heh. **BACK OF THE LINE!!** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-jedi-powers-pointless-and-stupid-things-youd-do/112918.md?page=1)