# IF you had to be eaten to death by an animal, what animal would you choose?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 30, 2017, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367 "2017-03-30T19:24:16Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/41 "2017-03-31T01:53:22Z")
What kills the quickest? Or injects you with some venom that gets you high so you don’t know what’s happening? I definitely don’t want to be eaten by something that starts eating while you are down but not out.
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### Author:  [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/42 "2017-03-31T02:08:26Z")
> [@snfaulkner](#):
>
> Did they kill him, then eat him? Or did he just die, then they ate the corpse. I’m pretty sure my cats would eat me after I die, but I doubt they’d be able to pull off a killing move no matter how hard they plan.
>
> …
He was a 40-something healthy male & IMS, the dragons killed him, then ate him for no good reason–they had plenty of food.
> [@Poysyn](#):
>
> I thought they normally severed the Achilles and then just wait for the person to die from infection?
>
> I considered the anaconda, but all of my bones breaking has to be really painful.
[The Myth of the Komodo Dragon](http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/06/27/the-myth-of-the-komodo-dragons-dirty-mouth/)
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### Author:  [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/43 "2017-03-31T02:18:06Z")
> [@Enola\_Gay](#):
>
> He was a 40-something healthy male & IMS, the dragons killed him, then ate him for no good reason–they had plenty of food.
>
> [The Myth of the Komodo Dragon](http://phenomena.nationalgeographic.com/2013/06/27/the-myth-of-the-komodo-dragons-dirty-mouth/)
No good reason!? Maybe being whisked away from the island paradise and forced to live in an apartment had something to do with it.
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### Author:  [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/44 "2017-03-31T02:38:37Z")
Thank you all for playing, but it is time for me to reveal the correct answer. From Wikipedia:
“The jaguar has an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats.[2] This allows it to pierce the shells of armored reptiles[3] and to employ an unusual killing method: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal bite to the brain.”
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### Author:  [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/45 "2017-03-31T02:42:19Z")
Ok, fair enough. I can only hope that the Komodo Dragons who rip me to shreds do so with reckless abandon.
ETA: this is in response to **snfaulkner**
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### Author:  [@Kimera757](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimera757)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/46 "2017-03-31T02:47:44Z")
A big cat. I might not even see or hear it until it’s too late. But I’d have to research which types do not clamp on the throat and suffocate prey while slicing them to death with their claws.
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### Author:  [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/47 "2017-03-31T02:51:10Z")
Powelliphanta superba–a large carnivorous snail.
It has to catch me first. 😃
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### Author:  [@Quint](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quint)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/48 "2017-03-31T05:58:14Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#):
>
> Great White. And I want to stab it with a machete while it’s chowing on me, like Quint, no matter how useless it is.
Y’know, the thing about a shark, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white, and then – aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the ocean turns red, and in spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and rip ya to pieces…
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### Author:  [@chorpler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chorpler)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/49 "2017-03-31T07:07:41Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#):
>
> What kills the quickest? Or injects you with some venom that gets you high so you don’t know what’s happening? I definitely don’t want to be eaten by something that starts eating while you are down but not out.
Maybe a large group of [these fish](http://gizmodo.com/these-fish-inject-predators-with-opioid-venom-and-thats-1793817739) could eat some of you. And even if none of the venom’s opioid peptides cross the blood-brain barrier, the blood pressure drop from a bunch of bites would hopefully render you unconscious.
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### Author:  [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/50 "2017-03-31T07:25:01Z")
> [@Quint](#):
>
> Y’know, the thing about a shark, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
Now that’s what I call planning ahead.
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### Author:  [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/51 "2017-03-31T09:02:12Z")
> [@Quint](#):
>
> Y’know, the thing about a shark, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white, and then – aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the ocean turns red, and in spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and rip ya to pieces…
Will he swallow you whole though? I assume it’ll be a clean kill without any unnecessary shaking or tenderising but it’d be good to know for certain. You seem to have some knowledge on the matter and can’t help wondering what it is you do for a living?
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### Author:  [@Go\_Arachnid\_Laser\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_Arachnid_Laser_1)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/52 "2017-03-31T10:49:11Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#):
>
> Will he swallow you whole though? I assume it’ll be a clean kill without any unnecessary shaking or tenderising but it’d be good to know for certain. You seem to have some knowledge on the matter and can’t help wondering what it is you do for a living?
Quint? He’s a shark hunter and fisherman in Amity Island, I understand.
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### Author:  [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/53 "2017-03-31T11:11:17Z")
> [@RickJay](#):
>
> 1. It must be an animal that exists today. Nothing extinct is allowed (or everyone would pick a T-rex 'cause that would be really awesome.)
OK, no extinct creatures – but how about cryptids — beasts that _might_ exist today? If that allowable: I’d go for one from East Africa, which doesn’t seem to have been heard of for a long time (but cryptozoologists pretty well never totally write anything off). To wit, the Nandi Bear. Absolutely no consensus on what this thing was like – “bear” is only one possible description (the suggestion that it was a relict form of the prehistoric _Chalicotherium_, appeals to me): but it was reputedly large, super-ferocious, and vicious – took a great toll of people; favoured breaking their skulls open and extracting and devouring their brains. Not a particularly pleasant fate, but what a cool one…
(We’re told, I gather: that Yetis, Bigfoots, etc. are – though superficially scary – on the whole pretty “live-and-let-live” vis-a-vis Homo sapiens, with no particular predilection for us as food – so they’re “out” for the purposes of this exercise.)
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### Author:  [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/54 "2017-03-31T12:55:33Z")
I would prefer something like a Giant Anteater, or a slug, or something similarly ineffectual.
This guy prefers a Bear
> **[Amazon.com: HELP! A Bear is Eating Me!: 9781933929699: Hansen, Mykle: Books](https://www.amazon.com/HELP-Bear-Eating-Mykle-Hansen/dp/1933929693)**
>
> Amazon.com: HELP! A Bear is Eating Me!: 9781933929699: Hansen, Mykle: Books
I haven’t read it (yet), but I hear it’s hilarious. It’s had one of my favorite reviews:
> [@](#):
>
> “Mykle Hansen’s book is the Scarlet Letter, the Age of Innocence, the Wuthering Heights of books narrated by a guy being eaten by a bear – The Last of the Motherfuckin’ Mohican’s of ursine mastication. Just sayin’.” -CHRISTOPHER MOORE, author of Fool and A Dirty Job
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### Author:  [@gytalf2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gytalf2000)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/55 "2017-03-31T13:09:21Z")
> [@TonySinclair](#):
>
> Thank you all for playing, but it is time for me to reveal the correct answer. From Wikipedia:
>
> “The jaguar has an exceptionally powerful bite, even relative to the other big cats.[2] This allows it to pierce the shells of armored reptiles[3] and to employ an unusual killing method: it bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal bite to the brain.”
Overnight, I was thinking about this, as well. The skull-crushing technique of a jaguar would likely provide an exceptionally quick death, I think.
I was also thinking about death by sperm whale. It could easily swallow you whole, couldn’t it?
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### Author:  [@gytalf2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gytalf2000)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/56 "2017-03-31T13:47:49Z")
> [@Sangahyando](#):
>
> OK, no extinct creatures – but how about cryptids — beasts that _might_ exist today? If that allowable: I’d go for one from East Africa, which doesn’t seem to have been heard of for a long time (but cryptozoologists pretty well never totally write anything off). To wit, the Nandi Bear. Absolutely no consensus on what this thing was like – “bear” is only one possible description (the suggestion that it was a relict form of the prehistoric _Chalicotherium_, appeals to me): but it was reputedly large, super-ferocious, and vicious – took a great toll of people; favoured breaking their skulls open and extracting and devouring their brains. Not a particularly pleasant fate, but what a cool one…
>
> (We’re told, I gather: that Yetis, Bigfoots, etc. are – though superficially scary – on the whole pretty “live-and-let-live” vis-a-vis Homo sapiens, with no particular predilection for us as food – so they’re “out” for the purposes of this exercise.)
Oh yeah, i remember reading about the awesome Nandi bear! It probably doesn’t exist, but if it did, that would be a quick, if somewhat nasty, death.
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### Author:  [@Go\_Arachnid\_Laser\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_Arachnid_Laser_1)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/57 "2017-03-31T13:58:31Z")
> [@gytalf2000](#):
>
> Overnight, I was thinking about this, as well. The skull-crushing technique of a jaguar would likely provide an exceptionally quick death, I think.
I don’t think I’d like to have my skull crushed to death. And jaguars aren’t that big… a human skull is noticeable bigger than that of a deer.
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### Author:  [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/58 "2017-03-31T14:06:08Z")
> [@gytalf2000](#):
>
> Oh yeah, i remember reading about the awesome Nandi bear! It probably doesn’t exist, but if it did, that would be a quick, if somewhat nasty, death.
I get the strong feeling that if it ever existed – whatever it was, it must be gone now. Present-day East Africa is just too full of people, for something like that to be lurking undiscovered, anywhere in those parts.
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### Author:  [@gytalf2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gytalf2000)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/59 "2017-03-31T14:10:00Z")
> [@Sangahyando](#):
>
> I get the strong feeling that if it ever existed – whatever it was, it must be gone now. Present-day East Africa is just too full of people, for something like that to be lurking undiscovered, anywhere in those parts.
Unless it is a shapeshifter. 🙂
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### Author:  [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/60 "2017-03-31T14:15:37Z")
> [@gytalf2000](#):
>
> Unless it is a shapeshifter. 🙂
Don’t suggest that, or anything like it, to the cryptozoological fraternity – “red rags and bulls”, etc. …
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