# IF you had to be eaten to death by an animal, what animal would you choose?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 30, 2017, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367 "2017-03-30T19:24:16Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/61 "2017-03-31T14:54:44Z")
Great White shark. I would probably die from drowning or loss of blood before the shock wore off and the real pain set in.
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### Author:  [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/62 "2017-03-31T15:35:32Z")
I tried so very, very hard to answer this question. And could not. There is nothing in the known universe that I could not imagine a horrible, horrible downside to being eaten by. I recall reading somewhere that it’s believed that prey animals usually go into shock, I can only hope that would be true for me. Alas, I expect it would be like some Lovecraftian protagonist journalling my last moments as I’m dragged screaming into some indescribable abyss of teeth and terror.
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### Author:  [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/63 "2017-03-31T16:37:06Z")
> [@Mnemnosyne](#):
>
> I’m going to go with blue-ringed octopus. Probably a decent number of them as per rule 4. They wouldn’t normally eat a human, but as per rule 2, they need only be theoretically capable of doing so.
The term was “conceivably” and I can’t conceive of a scenario where blue-ringed octopi would eat you, so I am afraid you’ll be eaten by army ants.
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### Author:  [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/64 "2017-03-31T16:39:38Z")
> [@RickJay](#):
>
> The term was “conceivably” and I can’t conceive of a scenario where blue-ringed octopi would eat you, so I am afraid you’ll be eaten by army ants.
That’s cold.
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### Author:  [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/65 "2017-03-31T16:44:43Z")
The killing part would be a bit of a long shot, but at least a badger would [give you a decent burial](https://phys.org/news/2017-03-badger-cow-previously-unknown-caching.html).
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### Author:  [@Drummond\_Bays](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drummond_Bays)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/66 "2017-03-31T17:12:42Z")
Another vote for orca, chances are I’d be pretty dead first bite. Severed spine, massive organ damage. When I see 'em bag large seals/etc. they tend to look pretty dead by the time the orca receeds into the water.
Plus, it’s a KILLER whale. No shame in dying to an animal we call ‘killer.’
Dying to a jellyfish, or a mid-sized cat? Not my bag of rice.
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### Author:  [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/67 "2017-03-31T17:58:46Z")
> [@RickJay](#):
>
> The term was “conceivably” and I can’t conceive of a scenario where blue-ringed octopi would eat you, so I am afraid you’ll be eaten by army ants.
> [@Enola\_Gay](#):
>
> That’s cold.
Actually, [army ants can’t survive in the cold](http://www.nytimes.com/1974/10/24/archives/museums-army-ants-succumb-to-the-cold.html?_r=0)so it would be warm, at least, and probably hot.
As for me, I would pick a mama grizzly with cubs. She would be more interested in the killing part to eliminate the threat, eating would come later.
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### Author:  [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)
#### Post date: [March 31, 2017, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/68 "2017-03-31T18:25:55Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#):
>
> Actually, [army ants can’t survive in the cold](http://www.nytimes.com/1974/10/24/archives/museums-army-ants-succumb-to-the-cold.html?_r=0)so it would be warm, at least, and probably hot.
>
> As for me, I would pick a mama grizzly with cubs. She would be more interested in the killing part to eliminate the threat, eating would come later.
You beat me to it. I should have started typing before reading the whole thread.:: rats :::: :smack:
My set up would to be playing with a very small and funny cub with my back to the direction ‘mama’ would be coming from and have good ear plugs in my ears.
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### Author:  [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2017, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/69 "2017-04-01T13:12:57Z")
“Eaten to death” Snort
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### Author:  [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2017, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/70 "2017-04-01T17:16:02Z")
I’m looking over the rules but can’t decide if Chihuahua is acceptable.
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### Author:  [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2017, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/71 "2017-04-01T19:26:18Z")
It is not. A better answer or it’s army ants for you.
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### Author:  [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)
#### Post date: [April 1, 2017, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/72 "2017-04-01T19:43:59Z")
Well, I’ve known some pretty fierce yappy dogs.
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### Author:  [@SigMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SigMan)
#### Post date: [April 2, 2017, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/73 "2017-04-02T04:43:31Z")
It’s not going to matter what kill and eat you. You will go in shock thus killing yourself.
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### Author:  [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)
#### Post date: [April 2, 2017, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/74 "2017-04-02T06:01:09Z")
> [@Turpentine](#):
>
> I would pick an anaconda. Rather than getting my arms ripped off or my throat ripped out, it doesn’t seem so awful the way a constrictor kills its prey. I would be squeezed until I suffocated, and totally dead by the time the swallowing part happens.
Is there any kind of snake that bites, therefore poisoning you, and then consumes you? If so I want that one. But is has to be a snake whose venom has the effect of a fentanyl or morphine overdose.
ETA: kinda Ninja’d by **bobtimusprime** back on page 1.
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### Author:  [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)
#### Post date: [April 2, 2017, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/75 "2017-04-02T14:56:14Z")
I think my current choice would be the boss who can park her Infiniti with her mind. She can take her time.
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### Author:  [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)
#### Post date: [April 2, 2017, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/76 "2017-04-02T15:24:43Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#):
>
> Big cat (lion/tiger), for the reason **Machine Elf** gives. Struggle just a bit (so it knows you’re prey), offer your neck, and go to sleep.
This was my thought too. For me, speed of death would be the key. Broken neck is fast.
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### Author:  [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)
#### Post date: [April 2, 2017, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/77 "2017-04-02T20:34:16Z")
I’m guessing Jeffrey Dahmer as an answer is right out too.
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### Author:  [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2017, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/78 "2017-04-03T13:04:52Z")
The OP specifically says you can’t choose humans. At least you asked. **jtur88** went immediately to choosing a human, so he gets the ants.
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### Author:  [@Pabitel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pabitel)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2017, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/79 "2017-04-03T14:17:17Z")
One dust mite.
😃
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### Author:  [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)
#### Post date: [April 3, 2017, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-to-be-eaten-to-death-by-an-animal-what-animal-would-you-choose/783367/80 "2017-04-03T15:14:50Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#):
>
> Will he swallow you whole though? I assume it’ll be a clean kill without any unnecessary shaking or tenderising but it’d be good to know for certain.
Expect much shaking and tenderizing. If a shark can’t eat you whole (and they generally can’t), they will typically grab their prey and then shake vigorously so that their teeth “saw” their way through, excising an edible chunk. Then they’ll work on getting that swallowed while you bleed and suffer, waiting for them to take the next bite.
If you’re really intent on making the whole process go as well as possible, I suppose you could offer your head as the first chunk.
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