# If you had tons of excess money to waste, what niche employees would you hire? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 26, 2021, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347 "2021-07-26T16:50:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Die\_Capacitrix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/die_capacitrix/32/9_2.png) [@Die\_Capacitrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Die_Capacitrix)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/41 "2021-07-28T09:41:10Z")
Correspondence. Emails, phone calls, setting up appointments, etc. I’m fine with the personal correspondence, but everything else? Oh, and milk supply. My husband drinks a lot of milk, so a milk shortage requires a visit to the grocery store. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/42 "2021-07-28T10:24:46Z")
You could keep a cow. Yoko maintained a whole herd of Holsteins (say that three times fast) so John could drink macrobiotic milk. ---
**Author:** ![vbob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vbob/32/4439_2.png) [@vbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vbob)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/43 "2021-07-28T10:27:35Z")
Pencil sharpener ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/44 "2021-07-28T10:59:29Z")
Well sure, but I still want this because I hate going to the hair salon and I hate picking up poop. I’d be sure they wash their hands between tasks. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/45 "2021-07-28T11:34:07Z")
Professional joke writer. They can come up with witty comments for any occasion. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/46 "2021-07-28T13:51:53Z")
I’ve always liked the _idea_ of having a fish tank and having bonsai trees but both require upkeep, so I’d hire a fish tank maintainer and a professional bonsai pruner. ---
**Author:** ![ElDeLuxo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/34f0e0/32.png) [@ElDeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElDeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/47 "2021-07-28T22:58:03Z")
Most of the positions I might hire someone for aren’t all that niche–cook, driver, personal assistant, groundskeeper, and maybe a maid or house cleaner would suit me fine if I was wealthy enough to hire staff. However, I decided long ago that if I am ever rich, and have mad millions to play with as it pleases me, I’ll find _a plump man with a hairy butt_ and hire him as my seat pre-heater. As in, if I’m out and about and need to use the facilities, I send Mr. Warmer in to sit on the throne for half a minute before me. Thus sparing me the unpleasant sensation of sitting on a cold toilet seat ever again. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2021, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/48 "2021-07-28T23:10:26Z")
I’d hire two people: a live-in handyman, and someone I can say “remember this for me” and when I ask, they can spit back what I said. ---
**Author:** ![Wolf333](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf333/32/3460_2.png) [@Wolf333](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolf333)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2021, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/49 "2021-07-30T08:06:10Z")
I like fried chicken, but hate getting my hands greasy. I would hire someone to remove all of the meat from the fried chicken. ---
**Author:** ![Mnemnosyne](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mnemnosyne/32/3347_2.png) [@Mnemnosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnemnosyne)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2021, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/50 "2021-07-31T02:18:52Z")
Someone to tag and organize my files, especially artwork. I save tons of character art that I come across cause it looks neat, but it’s very hard to sort through and use, because when I need something, it’s hard to find. So someone to tag it all so that if I want to find a black-haired woman wielding a sword dressed specifically in chainmail, with green eyes, I can immediately pull up all the art that matches exactly that. …of course, realistically if I had that kind of money I’d just have an artist on-demand to immediately draw me a custom character portrait and not have to rely on saved ones. ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2021, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/51 "2021-08-25T16:49:10Z")
My own personal flosser. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2021, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/52 "2021-08-26T16:33:28Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > I want a full-time Tall Person. Someone to just be there, instantly ready to retrieve stuff from the top shelves… After rereading the Bertie and Jeeves books (PG Wodehouse), I really want a butler. Maybe you just need a tall butler… “And voila, the cow creamer has successfully been retrieved from the nether reaches of your top shelf, m’lady. Is there anything else before I make drinks?” ---
**Author:** ![alovem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@alovem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alovem)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2021, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347/53 "2021-08-29T17:38:43Z")
Therapists for some people I know and experts in certain fields to teach me what they know. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-had-tons-of-excess-money-to-waste-what-niche-employees-would-you-hire/947347.md?page=2)