# If you invite the husband do you have to invite the wife to your wedding?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [May 7, 2004, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956 "2004-05-07T03:39:45Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Plan\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plan_B)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/1 "2004-05-07T03:39:45Z")
My cousin and his fiance are faced with this dilemma.
Without getting into all the details, they are planning to marry this fall and the problem involves another couple who are in their circle of friends. They were pretty friendly with the other couple for a few years - had dinners together, etc. - but then the wife in the other couple made it clear that she didn’t want to spend any more time with them.
The husband continues to maintain the friendship, even comes to visit my cousin and his fiance, but the wife stays home.
Not that it matters, but the wife has done this before - abruptly cut people out of her life, and her husband is not too happy about it.
Also, not that it matters, but my cousin and his wife are pretty average folk. Neither is particularly abrasive in any way that I can see.
My cousin would be OK with inviting them both, but his fiance is pretty hurt by the rejection and doesn’t want to risk ruining her wedding by including someone who has bad feelings for her.
So, can they invite the husband, who is their friend, and omit his wife, who is a possible source of trouble?
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### Author:  [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/2 "2004-05-07T03:40:58Z")
If they invite both, won’t the wife just stay home anyway?
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### Author:  [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/3 "2004-05-07T03:42:38Z")
Well, they _could_ just invite the husband, but they’d be unspeakably rude to do so.
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### Author:  [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/4 "2004-05-07T03:48:17Z")
Nope, you gotta invite them both, or you’ll just give her more ammunition to get him to slip out of their lives. If she truly does not want to come, she won’t, but at least the polite thing was done.
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### Author:  [@liirogue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/liirogue)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/5 "2004-05-07T04:10:37Z")
Nope, gotta invite them both. Besides, it sounds like the wife won’t come anyway. And if she does try to stir anything up, the bride and groom are well within their rights to eject her.
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### Author:  [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/6 "2004-05-07T04:11:09Z")
You absolutely cannot exclude half of a married couple. No way. And it would definitely give her tons of ammunition–you can bet that she’d trumpet it from the rooftops. She probably won’t come anyway.
Or, your cousin could avoid the whole problem and elope to Fiji. 🙂
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### Author:  [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/7 "2004-05-07T04:26:39Z")
Invite both of 'em as a couple. As **friedo** said, the wife will likely opt out on her own.
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### Author:  [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/8 "2004-05-07T04:56:40Z")
It would be wrong to invite him without inviting her. And if you did that, he’d have to be a real jerk to attend the wedding without her.
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### Author:  [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/9 "2004-05-07T05:18:02Z")
The other option is to not invite either.
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### Author:  [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/10 "2004-05-07T05:22:07Z")
Invite them both, that’s the proper form. He’ll take flack from her if she’s not invited too, and also so will the couple. She probably won’t come, but if she does, the ushers (who have been apprised of the situation, and know what she looks like) or the bride’s father, can politely ask her to settle down or leave. That way, she’ll have no one to blame but herself if she’s not at the ceremony. It’s an icky situation, and my consolations go out to the couple.
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### Author:  [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/11 "2004-05-07T14:33:24Z")
How about doing something wild and crazy like asking the husband what he thinks they should do?
Haj
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### Author:  [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/12 "2004-05-07T14:38:36Z")
I think you have to address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. Sounds like the wife won’t come anyway and if she does you guys can just ignore her all evening.
Another idea would be to invite the husband verbally instead of sending an invitation in the mail. Just tell him you didn’t want to pressure his Mrs. into coming since she hasn’t been too interested in seeing you guys lately. If he’s a really good friend (more than just an acquaintaince) you could get away with this.
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### Author:  [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/13 "2004-05-07T15:05:32Z")
> [@astorian](#):
>
> he’d have to be a real jerk to attend the wedding without her.
I don’t see why that would be any worse than being friends with and spending time with a couple she doesn’t like. I’d say invite them both, if she decides to come, is that REALLY going to ruin the wedding? It doesn’t sound like this woman is going to make a scene or anything, the bride is just upset over not being friends anymore.
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### Author:  [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/14 "2004-05-07T15:43:06Z")
Before reading the OP, I would have said you definately needed to invite them both but if this lady has been on record as saying she doesn’t want to have “anything” to do with the marrying couple then heck, just address it to the husband. I mean Jeez, we wouldn’t want to offend the bitch now, would we?
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### Author:  [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/15 "2004-05-07T17:13:49Z")
Invite them both, and if she shows up, they can chat with her in the receiving line.
"Oh, hello. :dubious: So glad you could come. :rolleyes: Do enjoy yourself. :dubious: "
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### Author:  [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/16 "2004-05-07T17:50:46Z")
> [@hajario](#):
>
> How about doing something wild and crazy like asking the husband what he thinks they should do?
I was going to suggest something similar.
According to Miss Manners, the proper response to rudeness is never more rudeness. The wife is unequivocally rude. They still must address the invite to both of them.
Then say something to communicate to the husband that he’s more than welcome to attend by himself. Like “Hey, if Cruella can’t make it, I hope you can still come. Joe and Steve will be attending solo, too. I can seat you guys together if you want.”
And if she _does_ choose to come, then assign Joe and Steve to be a “goon squad” and keep and eye on her. Chances are, she won’t do anything bad, but if she does, there’s a plan in place.
And you should gently explain to your cousin’s fiancee that sometimes you do have to invite people to things whom you would rather not. Part of being an adult and all that. Besides, she’ll be the one that ends up looking good out of this.
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### Author:  [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/17 "2004-05-07T18:17:02Z")
> [@astorian](#):
>
> It would be wrong to invite him without inviting her. And if you did that, he’d have to be a real jerk to attend the wedding without her.
Why? He RSVPs, she sends her regrets. No big.
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### Author:  [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/18 "2004-05-07T18:17:12Z")
Yup, her name gets on the invite as well. Or they don’t get one. Married couples for formal events are a unit. Even if you know that one half of the unit absolutely cannot (or will not) attend, the polite thing to do is put thier name on the invite. wifey is in Budapest for the six months surrounding the wedding? Her name is still on the envelope.
Yes, wifey is a decorum distaster, but other people’s behavior doesn’t reflect on us. _Our_ behavior reflects on us. The graceful, adult thing to do in this situation is to send her an invite and have the ushers aware that she may cause a problem. (If she shows up at all.) Above all, keep the rude, disrespectful, immature behavior totally on her. Nothing is better than living well.
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### Author:  [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/19 "2004-05-07T18:40:41Z")
We invited my sweet sister-in-law and her shitty husband to our wedding, hoping he would continue his habit of not attending things with her. The was true to form, did not come, and now she has left his sorry ass.
Maybe the friend will dump this dumb braod after THIS wedding? One could hope!
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### Author:  [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)
#### Post date: [May 7, 2004, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-invite-the-husband-do-you-have-to-invite-the-wife-to-your-wedding/243956/20 "2004-05-07T18:54:18Z")
> [@Podkayne](#):
>
> Why? He RSVPs, she sends her regrets. No big.
I think \*\*astorian \*\* meant that if the husband were only invited, and the husband went knowing his wife wasn’t invited, that would make the husband a jerk.
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