# If you’re dating, is finding out someone was home-schooled a red flag? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 16, 2022, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723 "2022-08-16T00:14:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/1 "2022-08-16T00:14:00Z")
Assume you’re single and find out a person you’re interested in dating was home-schooled as a child. Would that raise a red flag? _Poll ([view on site](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/1))_ What if you find out the person you’re interested in was home-schooled because their family belonged to an ultra-conservative religious sect? Would that fact raise a red flag? (Incidentally, the person would no longer be a member of the sect.) _Poll ([view on site](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/1))_ ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/2 "2022-08-16T00:16:19Z")
I wouldn’t judge someone on such skimpy info, so “Maybe”. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/3 "2022-08-16T00:25:48Z")
A red flag just based on how they were raised is ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![ParallelLines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/parallellines/32/3575_2.png) [@ParallelLines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParallelLines)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/4 "2022-08-16T00:29:51Z")
I voted ‘yes’ because in all honesty, it would make me stop and try to get more information. It wouldn’t be a absolute no (and hopefully I’ll never have to worry about it having been married for 20 years) - but it would make me take a second look at everything else about the possible dating prospect. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/5 "2022-08-16T00:33:06Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > A red flag just based on how they were raised is ridiculous. A red flag is a warning. It doesn’t mean that you must avoid or shun such a person, just to be more alert for other issues that you might ordinarily be. I think it’s entirely reasonable. Having a fucked-up childhood is a really good predictor for being a less functional adult. It’s not a person’s fault that they have so much baggage to overcome, but they do. Some people manage well by their having a fortuitously good nature, others by dint of hard psychological work, but plenty of others don’t manage at all. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/6 "2022-08-16T00:34:04Z")
I voted “no,” but it might depend on what we mean by “raise a red flag.” Is it a danger sign that would cause you to reject a person? Is it a warning of _potential_ trouble, something that should be investigated further? Interpreted loosely enough, just about _anything_ could be a “red flag” in that sense. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/7 "2022-08-16T00:38:48Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > A red flag is a warning. It doesn’t mean that you must avoid or shun such a person, just to be more alert for other issues that you might ordinarily be. I think it’s entirely reasonable. I know what a red flag is and I stand by what I said. Where does it say anything about a fucked up childhood? The first question has just to do with if they were home schooled. There are myriad reasons that a child could have been home schooled and most of those are benign. The second one say that their parents were part of an ultra-conservative religious sect but the prospective date is not a member. Breaking away from that shows many good qualities in my opinion including bravery and thinking for themselves. If anything it’s a greenish flag. I don’t agree that either is a warning sign. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/8 "2022-08-16T00:44:49Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > The second one say that their parents were part of an ultra-conservative religious sect but the prospective date is not a member. Breaking away from that shows many good qualities in my opinion including bravery and thinking for themselves. Yeah, I have to second this. Obviously the Devil is in the details, but “I was home-schooled by an ultra-religious family, but I broke away from that” to me comes off as a positive. Simply home-schooled means little in isolation - I’ve met highly functional, very liberal people that were home-schooled. While a certain percentage of the home-schooling group are whackos, it’s not universal enough for me to pre-judge someone. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/9 "2022-08-16T00:46:21Z")
I missed that part about them no longer being part of that sect. I agree that leaving the sect would make it no longer anything to be concerned about. In my experience, being home-schooled can actually be a positive. They tend to be less likely to just follow trends or accept things about the world because “that’s how it is.” I found it easier to be friends with those who were homeschooled when I was in college, honestly. Sure, it’s something to be curious about, but the concept of the “red flag” means that you should be more ready to leave. You should leave if you encounter enough red flags. I’m not sure it’s really even a yellow flag, which just means be cautious. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/10 "2022-08-16T00:46:51Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > A red flag just based on how they were raised is ridiculous I dunno. I wouldn’t want to get into a serious relationship with someone whose family was ultra religious. ETA: Thanksgiving dinner with a religious family isn’t something I’d enjoy. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/11 "2022-08-16T00:48:42Z")
Goodness, no. (I voted no on the second question too, but I understand _why_ someone might vote yes.) I know all sorts of people who have been home-schooled for all sorts of reasons (including, as it happens, a whole family of former students whose mother decided to home-school them because she _didn’t_ want them exposed to religious fundamentalism – Mississippi is weird that way). I don’t think it has any correlation at all to whether someone would be a good person to date or not. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/12 "2022-08-16T00:49:48Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I wouldn’t want to get into a serious relationship with someone whose family was ultra religious. What if they aren’t in contact with the family? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/13 "2022-08-16T00:51:42Z")
> [@Tamerlane](#): > > Obviously the Devil is in the details, but “I was home-schooled by an ultra-religious family, but I broke away from that” to me comes off as a positive. Only if it is followed by information that shows a complete renunciation of the sect and family. Like they went on to get a doctorate in something the cult hated, or they were the key informant in bringing the cult down and its leaders to prison, things like that. Otherwise I’m not taking the word of a Manchurian Candidate. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/14 "2022-08-16T00:55:10Z")
Complete NC? Sure. But it would have to be “they are dead to me”. The older I get the less I want anything to do with religiosity. I used to be live & let live, but fucking jesus/allah believers want to create a theocracy and I am prepared to fight back. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/15 "2022-08-16T01:24:37Z")
> [@Tamerlane](#): > > Yeah, I have to second this. Obviously the Devil is in the details, but “I was home-schooled by an ultra-religious family, but I broke away from that” to me comes off as a positive. Oh, for sure, it’s a positive. I’m just biased because of my own family issues: I was raised by a mom who fits what you said above. I think she did really well, all things considered, and so have I, but given the statistically insignificant set of people I know with that sort of childhood, it would be a red flag for me. Edit: I’ll add that my spouse has had to put up with a hell of a lot just because occasionally there’s a wedding or a funeral or some other issue that requires contact with extended family. It’s minor for us because it’s aunts- / uncles- / cousins- / grandparents- in-law, but if it were parents- or siblings-in-law, or even geographical proximity, that’s a lot more difficult. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/16 "2022-08-16T01:30:13Z")
My ex-wife, who is still a very close friend, has some wacky ultra-religious relatives. She had much more negative feelings about them than I ever did. ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/17 "2022-08-16T01:42:54Z")
I think it depends on why they were homeschooled. There might be a good reason to homeschool your kid, but the people I know who homeschool do it either because they would never send their child to a public school and can’t afford a private school or because of religious reasons. I have a married friend with three small kids who can’t string two proper sentences together. You wouldn’t know it so much by the way he talks, but his writing is about a 6th-grade level. I guess his mother wasn’t the best homeschool teacher. He had four brothers that were also homeschooled, and that would have been a handful for anybody. The only job my friend could get was in the housing trades, and he is a pretty good carpenter. Fortunately, there’s not a lot of prose in carpentry… ---
**Author:** ![dalej42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/67e7ee/32.png) [@dalej42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dalej42)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/18 "2022-08-16T01:47:08Z")
Maybe. Someone I was dating in college or early 20s, I’d be more concerned because they may not have spent time in the real world and I don’t want to serve as their counselor. Someone who’s been in the workforce for ten years, they’ll probably have some stories for me. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/19 "2022-08-16T02:15:01Z")
Considering I myself was homeschooled, no, I wouldn’t consider it a red flag. In fact, I’d even consider it a benefit because that person would relate to my upbringing better than someone else would. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/20 "2022-08-16T02:28:35Z")
I read “red flag” as a warning and not a complete game ender. It would make me wary but I’d definitely give the person a chance. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723.md?page=2)