# If you’re dating, is finding out someone was home-schooled a red flag? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 16, 2022, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723 "2022-08-16T00:14:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/21 "2022-08-16T02:33:49Z")
I read it the same way, and various threads on the subject of home schooling has created the impression in my mind that the quality of home schooling is as varied as the quality of public and/or private schooling. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/22 "2022-08-16T02:47:42Z")
IMHO public school (or private school) is as much about socialization as it is about book learning. Certainly not everyone learns the socialization bit in school either. But homeschoolers, the ones I have met (I know, anecdotal) generally were missing a beat on the socialization aspect. Broad brush, I am sure many do great and we certainly know of many in regular schools that do badly in this regard (shockingly badly). Also anecdotal, I have found the homeschooled I have met to be really well educated. Their book learning is solid, I’d say even better, than public/private school educated people (again, broad brush). ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/23 "2022-08-16T03:37:36Z")
Some home schools are multiple families getting together and can have a bunch of kids. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/24 "2022-08-16T04:03:37Z")
That starts sounding a lot like a private school. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/25 "2022-08-16T04:05:31Z")
Except it’s held in a home, there isn’t a tuition, there aren’t hired teachers or staff and it disbands when the kids age out. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/26 "2022-08-16T04:13:21Z")
It is a “red flag” but it isn’t a “nope”. It just means to inquire further, if the date gets to that point. Maybe a second date. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/27 "2022-08-16T04:26:42Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I voted “no,” but it might depend on what we mean by “raise a red flag.” Is it a danger sign that would cause you to reject a person? Is it a warning of _potential_ trouble, something that should be investigated further? Interpreted loosely enough, just about _anything_ could be a “red flag” in that sense. This. I’d certainly ask questions, but i also certainly wouldn’t reject a potential partner for being home schooled by a nutty religious sect. It depends where they are today. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/28 "2022-08-16T10:46:53Z")
Have had a few home-schooled friends, their families ran the gamut from Evangelical Christian to ultra-hippie, so by itself, it’s no thing. And if someone is explicitly not in a cult, why would I hold their family being in one against them? > [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Having a fucked-up childhood is a really good predictor for being a less functional adult. How is being home-schooled automatically “a fucked-up childhood”? ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/29 "2022-08-16T11:29:27Z")
To me home schooling would be a point of curiosity and exploration, it would not be a flag of any type, color or shape. It’s a difference to get to know in the context of dating, so no I would not take it as a red flag in the context that the OP seems to use it. Now what comes out of that exploration may raise flags, but homeschooling itself, no. However I must point out, that usually I take red flags as a ‘reason to exit’, not a warning. Much like a soccer game, red flags are use to signify your game is over, yellow flags to me are warnings. Now if one choses to ignore a red flag that’s on them. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/30 "2022-08-16T11:34:13Z")
I checked “Yes” but, in reality, it would be a yellow “caution” flag. ---
**Author:** ![scareyfaerie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scareyfaerie/32/3135_2.png) [@scareyfaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scareyfaerie)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/31 "2022-08-16T12:07:05Z")
I voted “no” for homeschooling, that wouldn’t be a red flag to me. I think it would make them a much more interesting person to talk to as their whole experience of education and their world view could be very much different to mine. For the sect thing, I said “yes” to a red flag although for me it would be more yellow 🙂 The fact that they’ve rejected the sect and moved away from says to me that they have given it consideration and found things there that they cannot reconcile with their own feelings/beliefs. I suppose the yellow flag would be more over their relationship with their parents and how that would be affected now and in the future. Caution, but not outright rejection. ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Mouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mighty_mouse/32/7776_2.png) [@Mighty\_Mouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Mouse)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/32 "2022-08-16T12:17:28Z")
I voted yes, but like many others it would be a point of inquiry rather than a ruling out thing. The home schooling less so than the cult thing. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/33 "2022-08-16T12:27:06Z")
The only thing I’m interested in is whether or not we enjoy our time together. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/34 "2022-08-16T12:34:21Z")
At 55, I’m interested in who you are now. How you got there is also fascinating. Neither of these would be a deal breaker for _dating_. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/35 "2022-08-16T13:37:54Z")
I think you nailed it there @JohnT. Were I & the other party age 23 those hot-button issues would be a LOT more relevant than here in late adulthood where I find myself now. To me personally, both of those are significant warning flags. As in I believe the odds are high that these features will be obstacles to us as a couple, not benefits to us as a couple. And the latter about 100x the former, again depending on _why_ somebody was home-schooled. How large an obstacle remains to be seen. Whether pimple, molehill, or mountain is for us to learn together as the relationship develops or doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/36 "2022-08-16T15:11:59Z")
What are red flags for a potential relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/37 "2022-08-16T15:44:57Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > As in I believe the odds are high that these features will be obstacles to us as a couple, not benefits to us as a couple. I think this is an excellent way to put it. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/38 "2022-08-16T15:45:48Z")
That’s a pretty wide-ranging question. I’ll start with 1. Your partner should be sane and consistent in their behavior. 2. Your partner should be considerate and view the relationship as a partnership not a competition. At a minimum the two of you should have similar views on how much it’s “us” and how much it’s “you and me”. If you detect evidence of “it’s me, with you tagging along”, whether in yourself or in them, run away. 3. Your partner should not be addicted to anything. Not love, rage, drugs, booze, politics, sports, nor entertainment. Interest is not addiction. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/39 "2022-08-16T16:06:52Z")
Didn’t vote. Red flags, yes. Game changer no. My Wife’s family is quite religious and conservative/Repubs. She is not. But we all get along just fine. We just don’t talk about it. One time at an outside pool party for my BIL, a ton of food was set up and waiting. My Wife my BIL’s son and someone else at one table. The food was just sitting there. Figured people where to busy visiting to eat. So the four of us got up, dug in and took our plates back to the table. Then about 5 minutes after we started eating, a group of people where gathered around the food, but not touching it but looking at it holding hands. They where blessing the food. Whatever. Not my thing, I found it funny. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723/40 "2022-08-16T16:34:21Z")
Homeschooling quality - as with public education - can very wildly. A college education, or just an inquisitive nature, is going to fill in the strange gaps that can be caused by poor homeschooling. It’s not a big deal. “Grew up in an ultra-conservative looney bin but got myself out as an adult” is way more concerning. “No longer a member” could mean all sorts of things. It could mean “I’ve absolutely rejected everything about them” or it could mean “I’ve rejected some of their stuff and have learned not to talk about the rest in mixed company.” It’s not a dealbreaker out of the gate, but it would be the topic of a Very Important Discussion if the relationship was progressing towards serious commitment. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-re-dating-is-finding-out-someone-was-home-schooled-a-red-flag/969723.md?page=3)