# If You Were A Fortune Cookie..... What Would You Say **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 7, 2001, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891 "2001-06-07T04:34:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2001, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/21 "2001-06-07T14:49:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DRY \* > \*\*“EAT ME!” \*\* That’s exactly what I thought when I first saw this thread. I can’t take credit for this one, but I love it anyway: “Embarassing photos of you will surface on the internet.” ---
**Author:** ![Doubleclick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Doubleclick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doubleclick)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2001, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/22 "2001-06-07T14:49:09Z")
…what would I say??? “Sorry, please try again.” ---
**Author:** ![jmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dbc845/32.png) [@jmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmonster)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2001, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/23 "2001-06-07T19:26:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by don Jaime \* > \*\*Smart-assed skeptic, Monkey Man will **make** you believe. \*\* That lump is cancer. ---
**Author:** ![Morrison\_s\_Lament](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Morrison\_s\_Lament](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morrison_s_Lament)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2001, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/24 "2001-06-07T19:53:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by KneadToKnow \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Morrison’s Lament \* > > if you have any experience with North Koreans it’s at least a hundred times as funny! > > [hijack] > My experience with North Koreans is limited to the family of 4 that lived downstairs from me 10 years or so ago. Daddy, Mommy, 2 kids under 5. > > Never heard anything from downstairs but the following, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day: > > > [@](#): > > > > Little Kid: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! > > [unidentifiable _thwump_ sound, possibly the wall being struck by a small human body] > > [silence] > > I still wonder if what I think happened really happened. \*\* Oof, I hope not ☹ They are of course not all bad people, but their culture has been so brutalized by hardship and constant lies it’s hard for outsiders to deal with many of them A man I talked to that negotiated with some government officials of theirs said he was repeatedly told to “Rot in hell” when he called them up. I believe the deal was they were getting a whole bunch of free food. Sorry about the hijack, I hereby declare it dead 😃 — G. Raven ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/25 "2001-06-07T23:58:53Z")
Damnit, I wanted to say “Eat Me!!” Fine, I can say, “BITE ME!!” Oh how bout this… “Go ahead. Have sex with the cute girl winking at you at the other table. Go on, leave me alone to rot away in this pathetic little restaurant. Go on, go. I don’t care. I’m not so sad that I’ve formed a bond with the guy who’s about to eat me.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mighty\_maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@mighty\_maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mighty_maxx)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/26 "2001-06-08T01:18:24Z")
“Don’t eat lead” ---
**Author:** ![Ell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47774/32.png) [@Ell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ell)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/27 "2001-06-08T03:53:39Z")
“Warning: Do not eat” ---
**Author:** ![AnnaLucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@AnnaLucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLucretia)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/28 "2001-06-08T12:43:42Z")
I really got that one. Had no idea what to do… ---
**Author:** ![AnnaLucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@AnnaLucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLucretia)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/29 "2001-06-08T12:44:52Z")
“Preview is your friend”… The actual one I got was “smile when you’re ready”. WTF??! ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/30 "2001-06-08T14:02:52Z")
“Hope you enjoyed your meal, Mr. Bond.” “That looks infected.” ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/31 "2001-06-08T14:48:42Z")
I just can’t leave this alone. 🙂 > [@](#): > > _ **OW!** _ How’d you like it if I ripped _you_ open? > [@](#): > > Don’t go far, you’ll be hungry again soon. > [@](#): > > Hey, tubby, is another mouthful of food really what you need right now? ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/32 "2001-06-08T15:32:28Z")
My favorite fortune cookie of all time was, “What causes the apple to fall from the tree?” It’s not a fortune, it’s a physics problem! Actually, I guess it’s a Zen koan. It has generated more meditative thought on my part than most things you find in a cookie, including milk chocolate chunks–and that’s saying something. If you find a Handspring Visor in Houston, TX with that fortune tucked in the case, email me. ☹ My new Handspring has my name and address in the case, instead of a stupid fortune. Anyway, my new fortune is: > [@](#): > > Do not expect your food predict the future. ---
**Author:** ![dlb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@dlb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dlb)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/33 "2001-06-08T15:35:15Z")
Anything ever said by a Vorlon. > [@](#): > > The avalanche has started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. ---
**Author:** ![heembo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f6c823/32.png) [@heembo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heembo)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/34 "2001-06-08T16:35:24Z")
If I were a fortune cookie, I wouldn’t say anything at all. But I would have a phrase or two typed on my intestines. They might read: \*Is it just me, or does everyone know you’re gay? \*That chewy part was a finger nail. \*Don’t pee straight down on a flat rock ---
**Author:** ![mongrel\_8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@mongrel\_8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mongrel_8)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/35 "2001-06-08T18:46:29Z")
“You will read a fortune cookie now.” “You will attempt to stop a chainsaw with your genatials in the near future.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/36 "2001-06-08T23:28:04Z")
“You won’t make it out the door” The worst fortune cookie fortune I ever got said the following: “You would make a good lawyer” Honest! ---
**Author:** ![Searching\_For\_Truth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@Searching\_For\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Searching_For_Truth)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891/37 "2001-06-09T02:31:52Z")
Fuck. Short, sweet and simple. And incredibly amusing. I’d fucking wet my pants if I got one that said that in it! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-you-were-a-fortune-cookie-what-would-you-say/67891.md?page=1)