# if your ex did this, what would you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 22, 2014, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782 "2014-07-22T22:28:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/21 "2014-07-23T02:04:42Z")
> [@Enter\_the\_Flagon](#): > > Me neither, though it might be wise to caution amorali to not go into any specifics. > > But I’d think it might be possible to find a lawyer who’d be very interested in this case. Indeed. I’m not hip to cyberstalking laws but **amorali** might at least do some [preliminary research](https://www.google.com/search?q=cyberstalking+laws&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=sb). Assuming the OP is in the US, anyway. The behaviour described in the OP seems very skeevy, not right and probably illegal. Certainly the sort of thing that ought _not_ to be legal in civilized society. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/22 "2014-07-23T12:12:02Z")
It is illegal. Thank you everyone. I have asked other people and had some people who were in the “let it go” camp. Among other things knowing someone is still that focused and interested in you and your life is very unnerving. I was hoping someone would come up with a miracle answer for that. Oh well ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/23 "2014-07-23T12:23:56Z")
I had a bitch of a divorce, with further legal hurdles afterwards (which I won!!). In the OP’s situation I’d get a friend to do something while I was vacationing in the Caribbean. But that’s just me and I know it’s wrong. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/24 "2014-07-23T13:36:45Z")
I want them to move on with their lives and focus on themselves. That kind of thing just makes it worse. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/25 "2014-07-23T13:44:20Z")
> [@amorali](#): > > It is illegal. > > Thank you everyone. I have asked other people and had some people who were in the “let it go” camp. > > Among other things knowing someone is still that focused and interested in you and your life is very unnerving. I was hoping someone would come up with a miracle answer for that. Oh well I tend to fall into the “let it be” camp most of the time. I have a limited amount of energy to expend, and I’m not interested in chasing after hostilities. However. The behavior you’re describing has the potential to seriously damage your ability to earn a living as well as your public reputation, and the downside to ignoring it is too great. You need to contact a lawyer and the relevant law enforcement. Start with a restraining order. Also, start taking your online security far more seriously, especially passwords. Create new email accounts your ex knows nothing about, change your passwords once a week, and use passwords your ex can’t guess at (no family/pet names, important dates, or in jokes). You’re the only one who can really protect yourself in a situation like this, and it’s very tempting to brandish your fist and yell about the unfairness of the Internet, but that is a pointless activity. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/26 "2014-07-23T13:56:17Z")
I’d definitely go to a lawyer and find out my legal options. The real question I’d be asking myself is whether ignoring this will inspire escalation–since if someone’s goal is to be noticed, they may well keep upping the ante until they are–or whether taking action, like reporting to police, will inspire efforts at vengeance. Which sounds more likely in this guy’s case? ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/27 "2014-07-23T13:56:52Z")
What is truly sad is they didn’t just violate my privacy, they hurt every person I was emailing with. The unfairness of the internet? The internet doesn’t stalk people. People stalk people. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/28 "2014-07-23T14:05:59Z")
> [@amorali](#): > > I want them to move on with their lives and focus on themselves. That kind of thing just makes it worse. Yes, I agree, but you asked. > [@amorali](#): > > I’m curious…snip…what would you do? ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/29 "2014-07-23T14:15:42Z")
Ha well I appreciate your response. Really. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/30 "2014-07-23T16:12:21Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > I’d definitely go to a lawyer and find out my legal options. > The real question I’d be asking myself is whether ignoring this will inspire escalation–since if someone’s goal is to be noticed, they may well keep upping the ante until they are–or whether taking action, like reporting to police, will inspire efforts at vengeance. Which sounds more likely in this guy’s case? I’m not sure what their goal is other than to harrass me. I’m not sure why either one is so focused on me. I don’t want to know anything I don’t have to about them or their lives. I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/31 "2014-07-23T16:58:30Z")
> [@amorali](#): > > It is illegal. > > Thank you everyone. I have asked other people and had some people who were in the “let it go” camp. These are not mutually exclusive answers. Throwing an egg at your car is illegal, but given the nature of the relationship, the children involved, it may not be worth pulling out every legal weapon in your arsenal to fight back. The extent of this particular string of incidents seems to be significant enough to at least warrant a call to a lawyer. ---
**Author:** ![Absinthe\_Anecdote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f6c823/32.png) [@Absinthe\_Anecdote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Absinthe_Anecdote)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/32 "2014-07-23T19:02:26Z")
When kids are involved it is important to take the high road, especially if you are a man. If that sometimes means letting childish behavior slide, and not responding to every jab or malicious act of your spouse, then, so be it. Anytime the authorities are involved in domestic disputes, the man will be looked at as instigator, unless there is overwhelming evidence against the female. Besides, the first few years of a divorce are the worst, that crap tends to calm down eventually. Not stoking the fire is key to letting the bad feelings die down. Unfortunately, that means you are going to feel like you are taking a bunch of shit, and you will be. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/33 "2014-07-23T19:53:27Z")
It’s been six years. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/34 "2014-07-23T20:13:43Z")
I would be very disappointed in my ex. I would try to find some forgiveness for her and pray for her. I would then have to talk to some people about my urge to give the new SO the beat-down of his miserable life. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/35 "2014-07-23T21:20:40Z")
My ex-wife does shit like this. At least she did. As far as I know she still tries. I’ve changed my phone numbers twice. I’ve changed every password I can think of, as well as my handle on any message board I join. I’ve also stopped going to message boards she knows I used to frequent. We haven’t been an item in over a decade, and she wasted no time getting remarried, but just last year (or the year before), “someone” repeatedly attempted to access a message board account of mine (where I didn’t change my handle from my real name). The only reason I know is because the system was set up to generate an email after the fifth failed attempt. I was like, Jesus Christ! I thought you were done with this! ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2014, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/36 "2014-07-23T22:56:37Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > My ex-wife does shit like this. At least she did. As far as I know she still tries. I’ve changed my phone numbers twice. I’ve changed every password I can think of, as well as my handle on any message board I join. I’ve also stopped going to message boards she knows I used to frequent. > > We haven’t been an item in over a decade, and she wasted no time getting remarried, but just last year (or the year before), “someone” repeatedly attempted to access a message board account of mine (where I didn’t change my handle from my real name). The only reason I know is because the system was set up to generate an email after the fifth failed attempt. I was like, Jesus Christ! I thought you were done with this! Did she have other signs of mental illness? ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2014, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/37 "2014-07-24T04:16:08Z")
> [@amorali](#): > > I’m not sure what their goal is other than to harrass me. > > I’m not sure why either one is so focused on me. I don’t want to know anything I don’t have to about them or their lives. I don’t get it. Unfortunately, they seem to know enough about you to cause these problems, so it may be prudent to find out a bit so they don’t continue to have the upper hand. I know it’s unfair that you should have to, but counting on the police or authorities to end this kind of thing is often not enough. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2014, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/38 "2014-07-24T05:00:25Z")
Isn’t hacking like this wire fraud? I think that’s a Federal offense. Not to mention the Libel. Contact an attorney, your local police, and even the FBI. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2014, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/39 "2014-07-24T05:55:34Z")
I haven’t been divorced, but to my understanding, at least in my state, there’s a legal document called a SAPCR (suit affecting parent child relationship) that controls things like child support and custody. I’d document everything that could be documented, go to a lawyer and ask about getting a restraining order. I’d also ask about petitioning the court to change the custody arrangements so my child could spend more time with me, and less time with my crazy ex. ---
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2014, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782/40 "2014-07-24T06:46:07Z")
There’s no harm in filing a police report. If it ever comes up, you can say you did it. And maybe you can even get a copy, for the family court. I wouldn’t count on the police doing anything about it, though, and even if they do, it won’t necessarily be of any great help to you. All they can do is put her in jail for a day or two. The key thing to remember is that once you’ve talked to the police about it, it’s up to them (and later, the prosecutor) to decide what to do about it. It’s not up to you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-ex-did-this-what-would-you-do/693782.md?page=3)