# If Your Parent Had An Affair **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [September 1, 2009, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510 "2009-09-01T17:02:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/21 "2009-09-02T01:53:07Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I would mind my own business. Funny. That was my exact reaction too. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/22 "2009-09-02T02:04:41Z")
> [@Nars\_Glinley](#): > > You don’t think that how your mother treats your father is any of your business? As a matter of fact, I don’t. My parents are individual human beings with their own personal accomplishments and failures. The way that my parents choose to build or destroy their personal relationship is, indeed and with no two ways about it, none of my business. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/23 "2009-09-02T02:05:44Z")
I’d give my mother… 48 hours? A week? to tell my father, else I’d do it myself. And I tell this to my mum clearly so that she was given the chance to do the right thing first, with a definite deadline. I do believe in giving a person a chance to act themselves before I act for them. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/24 "2009-09-02T02:08:15Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > As a matter of fact, I don’t. My parents are individual human beings with their own personal accomplishments and failures. The way that my parents choose to build or destroy their personal relationship is, indeed and with no two ways about it, none of my business. In this scenario, though, your father hasn’t _chosen_ anything. Presumably, this isn’t an open marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/25 "2009-09-02T02:13:28Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > In this scenario, though, your father hasn’t _chosen_ anything. Presumably, this isn’t an open marriage. So what? It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/26 "2009-09-02T02:13:42Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > In this scenario, though, your father hasn’t _chosen_ anything. Presumably, this isn’t an open marriage. Admittedly, you don’t know that. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/27 "2009-09-02T02:14:51Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > In this scenario, though, your father hasn’t _chosen_ anything. Presumably, this isn’t an open marriage. Presumably, no. But do you really want to risk the chance of finding out different? “Oh, that guy you saw with your mom was just Paul, our mutual boyfriend. Nice ass on him, don’t you think? And boy, can he kiss!” ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/28 "2009-09-02T02:19:36Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > So what? It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Your post seemed contingent on the idea that this is your parents’ choice; my point is that it’s not your _parents’_ choice but your mother’s choice alone. > [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > Admittedly, you don’t know that. That’s why I’d confront my mother first before telling dear old Dad. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/29 "2009-09-02T02:33:57Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Your post seemed contingent on the idea that this is your parents’ choice; my point is that it’s not your _parents’_ choice but your mother’s choice alone. Again, so what? How does that make it my business? I certainly hope that my post did not imply that my response depended on both my parents being involved in the choice; in fact, I’m hard-pressed to even vaguely see that it could have. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/30 "2009-09-02T02:51:57Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > Again, so what? How does that make it my business? > > I certainly hope that my post did not imply that my response depended on both my parents being involved in the choice; in fact, I’m hard-pressed to even vaguely see that it could have. I was responding to this: > [@Frank](#): > > The way that my parents choose to build or destroy their personal relationship is, indeed and with no two ways about it, none of my business. I know you weren’t saying they both made a mutual agreement, but my point is I can’t see that line of reasoning working any other way. Say I witness a good friend (Alice) stealing the property of a mutual friend (Bob). I wouldn’t shrug my shoulders and say “None of my businesses; it’s their choice to determine the terms of the friendship” because while it may be Alice’s choice, it’s clearly not Bob’s. Bob deserves to be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not to continue his friendship with Alice, and I’d be betraying Bob’s trust if I didn’t ensure he was informed. After that, my part in it ends. ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/31 "2009-09-02T03:02:48Z")
Now here’s a twist…what if the lover was same sex? Personally as an adult I’d tell. People who cheat on their significent others are basicly suffering from distorted thinking almost in a borderline personality disorder sense. If I knew someone was mentally ill, I would tell someone who could perhaps do something about it. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/32 "2009-09-02T03:19:32Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Say I witness a good friend (Alice) stealing the property of a mutual friend (Bob). I wouldn’t shrug my shoulders and say “None of my businesses; it’s their choice to determine the terms of the friendship” because while it may be Alice’s choice, it’s clearly not Bob’s. Bob deserves to be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not to continue his friendship with Alice, and I’d be betraying Bob’s trust if I didn’t ensure he was informed. After that, my part in it ends. Ah, I see. No, in fact, I don’t. If it is so important that you report a transgression on a parent’s part to the other parent, so important that you do so, how do you see your part ever ending? ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/33 "2009-09-02T03:36:34Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > No, in fact, I don’t. If it is so important that you report a transgression on a parent’s part to the other parent, so important that you do so, how do you see your part ever ending? Firstly, as I said earlier, I’d give Mum a chance to confess on her own. I’d minimise my involvement. Secondly, as a child of a divorce myself, I can tell you that you’re involved no matter what you do (or don’t do). My boundaries, however, are very clear, and I make it known that I won’t be drawn into “Your father was so mean to me”-type discussions 30 years after the fact. All you can do is what you think is right. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/34 "2009-09-02T03:43:16Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Firstly, as I said earlier, I’d give Mum a chance to confess on her own. I’d minimise my involvement. > > Secondly, as a child of a divorce myself, … One wonders how much you minimised your involvement. My parents are, by the way, still married after 53 years, and are very happy to be so. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/35 "2009-09-02T03:51:02Z")
I have some reason to think my mom had an affair with our parish priest. I like them both. I never asked the question. ETA: It seemed tacky. Shows what growing up Southern can do to a boy. When Clinton was having his problems I heard a Southern lady dismiss it with, “A lady never discusses her gentlemen, and a gentleman never discusses his ladies.” ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/36 "2009-09-02T04:16:08Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > One wonders how much you minimised your involvement. To a level where my conscience remains clear. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/37 "2009-09-02T04:54:37Z")
I’d probably tell her she was taking a big chance carrying on like that in public, but I wouldn’t run back and tell anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/38 "2009-09-02T04:58:15Z")
My mother passed away at the age of 92, so this is a stretch. I would say “Go, girl!” and never tell my father. She deserved to have some romance in her life, and certainly wasn’t getting it from him. If it were the other way around - if he were having an affair - you bet I’d tell her. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/39 "2009-09-02T05:06:28Z")
I can only hope my father had an affair or two. He deserved some happiness. The mean-spirited shrew he married pretty much nagged him into his grave as it was. He refused to divorce her out of some misplaced feeling of nobleness. Unfortunately, he also refused to recognize she was mentally ill and needed help. Among her endless harpings were accusations of his having an affair, but she had so many fantasies she considered reality, there’s no telling if she had any basis for her accusations. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2009, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510/40 "2009-09-02T05:59:00Z")
Other peoples’ marriages are none of my business. > [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > Personally as an adult I’d tell. People who cheat on their significent others are basicly suffering from distorted thinking almost in a borderline personality disorder sense. If I knew someone was mentally ill, I would tell someone who could perhaps do something about it. Half of everybody is crazy? Really, cheating is quite common, and I think there are probably better explainations than “crazy.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-parent-had-an-affair/508510.md?page=3)