# If your pets could talk, what would they say? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 28, 2003, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807 "2003-04-28T23:20:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Murcielago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/da6949/32.png) [@Murcielago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Murcielago)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/21 "2003-04-29T05:07:33Z")
My cat: “I play you like a cheap guitar and yet you still come back for more, you are a sucker and that’s why I love you” “This ride on your shoulder is fun…wait, oh hell that’s the SINK. You tricky bastard, you got me into another bath. Fine, I will leave you a present in your shoe when this is over…” ---
**Author:** ![phraser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a88e4f/32.png) [@phraser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phraser)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/22 "2003-04-29T05:35:44Z")
Jess the dog: “Why did you cut my balls off? I was still using those!” Mocha the cat: “…” (too cool to speak) ---
**Author:** ![AzRaek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/azraek/32/16739_2.png) [@AzRaek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AzRaek)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/23 "2003-04-29T05:48:58Z")
Mistletoe had a litter of four kittens in mid-February and shes back in heat. We dont have the money to get her fixed, so shes under house arrest (we live on the third floor anyway). She says (in a long low sultry voice) " Do me someone!" Toby is my sisters 12 year old mutt whos had so many surgeries and pills that hes barely ambulatory. He says “Gimme food or scratch my butt…Screw it, give me the car keys, Im heading to Burger King” Ulv is my brothers 14 year old nearly blind, almost deaf Elkhound. “Pet me pet me pet me pet me oh pet me…” Dayne Bramage is my other brothers cat. Shes at least 16. “I used to hunt snakes and lizards in the desert…now I get canned food. I will hook you with my raptor claws if you come near me” No grandkids for my parents, but grandcats and grandogs galore. ---
**Author:** ![Tony\_Montana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tony\_Montana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tony_Montana)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/24 "2003-04-29T05:54:24Z")
:twirling in tight circles:: Tony! tonytonytonytonytonytony Leaning on my leg, after he composes himself (as he’s gazing at me with that grin): “I missed you Tony”… ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/25 "2003-04-29T06:07:03Z")
**Bea** : “Food. Food food food. Sleep. Sleep sleep sleepsleepsleepsleep OOH! DOORBELL!! Dooorbeeeellll!..now me tired. Sleep. Sleepsleepsleep. Food.” Of course, alternatively: “Foolish humans. Soon my plan for world domination will be ripe for fulfillment. All I need to do is keep up this innocent, dumb-as-a-rock facade for a few more weeks and then… [sub]mwahhhahhaaa…[/sub] OOH! DOORBELL!! Doooorbeeeelll!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/26 "2003-04-29T06:20:08Z")
Dogs: **Corky** (female Pembroke Welsh Corgi, smart and active): > [@](#): > > Hey! Wanna play frisbee! Of course you do 'cause it’s FRISBEE! **FRISBEE!** I can take it from you and you are **LOSERS!** Want me to let go? No! Never! Okay! CHASE THE FRISBEE! Whee! Got it! > > :: pant pant :: > > Pet my tummy. I’m on my back all nice and relaxed and calm and BITE! BITE! I SHALL DOMINATE THE HAND THAT PETS ME! She is the psychotic Queen Dog, and don’t you forget it. 😃 **Scooter** (male Pembroke Welsh Corgi, stupid and mostly relaxed): > [@](#): > > Uhhh…yeah. > > :: pant pant :: > > I’m looking at you because I want to go outside. _Out-side._ Ooouuut-siiide. I’m six inches from your face and thinking hard. > > I’m out! Whee! Is that a … **kitty!** Yaaaah! BARKBARKBARKBARK! BARK! Kill kitty! > > :: back inside :: > > Uhh… licking your leg rules. I can, like, lick it for hours, licking and licking and licking and licking … getting petted rules too … yeah … As close to a stoner as a dog can be, except around kitties. ---
**Author:** ![slice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@slice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slice)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/27 "2003-04-29T10:26:45Z")
**Fitch** , the cat: “Go the hell away. Now. And shut up. I hate you.” **Abby** , his sister: “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedley-dee…” **Samantha** (the dog): “Can I go out now? Can I go out now? Can I go out now? Can I go out now?” (goes out) “Can I go out again? Can I go out again? Can I go out again? Can I go out again…” ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/28 "2003-04-29T11:01:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by slice \* > **Fitch, the cat: "Go the hell away. Now. And shut up. I hate you."** This has to be the funniest of all of these! Cracked me up!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Greywolf73](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d9b06d/32.png) [@Greywolf73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greywolf73)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/29 "2003-04-29T13:07:35Z")
My cat, Fatboy, would simply lay on his back in the middle of kitchen floor and purr. “I’m lying in your waaaay! You either have to pet me or trip over my fat asssss. Hahahahaha!! I’m so smart. PET ME NOW!! No, don’t walk around me. PET ME! PET…OH MY GOD SHE DROPPED A CRUMB OF FOOD!!! It’s mine, alll mine! No, I don’t care that it’s lettuce. Any food that falls to the kitchen floor is food of the gods. Mmmm…lettuce…” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/30 "2003-04-29T13:41:41Z")
Elayne Boosler’s dog: "You cut off my tail, my ears, my _balls!_ If you wanted a smaller dog, why didn’t you _ **buy one???** _ ---
**Author:** ![Zenham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zenham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenham)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/31 "2003-04-29T13:46:49Z")
I’m in a household with four cats, two of them mine… Boris: Food?Food?Food?Food?Food?Food?Food?Food? Brooks: MmmmmmmmmmMMMmMmHiyahiyahiya! I love you SO MUCH! How much? THIS MUCH! C’mere closer, I wanna purr all over you and rub my face against yours and bat at your nose with my paw and cuddle and snuggle and… hey… where are you going?!? Hey, I don’t CARE if you have to go to work, I want more love!!! G.P. (Grey Poupon): You’re bothering me, I was sleeping… but hey, while you’re here, scratch this ear for a second… L.C. (Lost Cat, pronounced ‘Elsie’): evvvvvvvvvvvvilllllllllllllll… you are eviiiiiiiiilllllllllllllll… (she’s not very sociable at all). ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/32 "2003-04-29T14:23:54Z")
Rusty the world’s most neurotic golden: “PET ME! Please! I’m so scared! EVERYTHING scares me! I missed you so much when you were out front for twenty seconds getting the mail! Pet me pet me pet me!” Or, “I’m so SAD and PATHETIC. Nobody EVER pets me…” Isaac the 70-pound lab-golden mix: “THROW MY KONG! PLEASE! NOW! YESSSSSSSS! I MUST RETRIEVE! IT"S MY MISSION IN LIFE! THROW MY KONG!” ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/33 "2003-04-29T14:26:46Z")
Eeek! I forgot the cat! Emily the BossCat ™: “You lowly human. You may pet me now. And then you may get me the stinky cat food which I love. Obey me or else.” ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/34 "2003-04-29T14:32:43Z")
The Vena Cats: The white cat perches precariously at the corner a bookcase and swirls her long floofy tail across her feet. She puffs out her mane and squints at you. As she stares down at you, unblinkingly, a small voice forms in the back of your mind, “Bug. You insignificant bug.” Baby, the 20 lb monster, has to have water APART from all the other cats. Water bowl on the dresser - filled every night. She lies next to the nearly full bowl, pitifully bleating “Water - no water” until it’s filled to the brim. Boy, defender extraordinaire, cries to the great god of the washing machine. “Please, PLEASE puh-leazzzzzzzz” (Canned cat food and tuna are stored over the washer.) Stella, the outcast - “Myah Muhyah myah” Ham Ham Ham (her morning treat - then she escapes into CatSpace and is not seen until the next morning.) ---
**Author:** ![TelcontarStorm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ab097/32.png) [@TelcontarStorm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TelcontarStorm)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/35 "2003-04-29T15:16:32Z")
Two felons… err… felines here. Both fellas. **Jake** Who reminds one of Jethro Bodine. That’s the box! lemme sniff.OHYEAOHYEAOHYEA! Gimme! I mean it dammit! GIMME! **Claw extended snag** MINE! **snort** If he were human he’d be a crackhead. **Mackey** Smart and very vocal. He’d sound like Jeremy Irons “Oh, you’re going to the kitchen? I suppose I can tag along.” “Open the door. Thank you. See you in three days” ---
**Author:** ![Serendipity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Serendipity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serendipity)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/36 "2003-04-29T16:20:17Z")
**Romeo** the Eternal Puppy: “Pet me! Rub my tummy! Don’t make me sleep all by myself when you have so much room left on your comfy bed! Looooooove me!” Strangely, these are some of the same things _I_ say to people. 😉 The two cats would not speak, even if they could – **Indy** because he’s too timid, and **Bumper** because he’s a cranky old man who has very little use for people (although he becoming more sociable in his old age). ---
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/37 "2003-04-29T16:47:02Z")
**Sasha** > [@](#): > > No, it’s my chair. No, it’s my bed. No, it’s my box. No, it’s my sofa. No, it’s my carpet. No, he’s my boyfriend (:eek: - she has a crush on my honey! :D) **Shira** > [@](#): > > Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! **Manga** > [@](#): > > Yeah, whatever, leave a message or something, and I might get back to you, maybe… ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/38 "2003-04-29T16:47:03Z")
**Dongle** , my male Boston terrier: I love my mama. if loving my mama is wrong, I don’ want to be right. There’s nothing wrong with being a mama’s boy, cause that just means I love my family. (Hey are you going to eat that?) anyway, I love my papa,too. I love Georgie and I love BooBoos and I love Bondi. I love my grandma and my grandpa (both sets). But I don’t love the possum. I hate him. (are you sure I can’t have a weensey bite? please? that sandwhich looks so good!) The only good possum is a dead possum. HAW HAW. ohmygod, I love my mama. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAma. mama, come love me! Mama come rub my belly! yes. if Dongle was my son, I would have a 43 year old living in my basement. **Georgie** , my girl: Dongle, would you shut up you big baby? Mama, look at how cute I am, now rub my belly. MORE! RUB MY BELLY! **Booboos** , the cat: I remember the good old days when it was just me and mom. **Bondi** the stray who adopted us. She doesn’t talk much other than: FEED ME. she says this in a voice like Roz from monsters inc. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/39 "2003-04-29T18:28:41Z")
Our cat would say the following: 1. Feed me. 2. Let me go out. I need to protect my territory. 3. Why are you bothering me? ---
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807/40 "2003-04-29T18:44:09Z")
Hobbes, my gray cat, will paw at the window next to my front door every day I come home from work (or from just about any place). He’ll meow excitedly as if to say “Oh boy, oh boy, he’s home! He’s home!” Early in the morning when he wakes me up by pawing at the window blinds he’d probably be saying “come on, time to get up!” Too bad he doesn’t know not to do this on weekends. I’m sure both Hobbes and Patches (my other cat, black and white) would both tell me “Will you PLEASE CHANGE THE DAMN LITTER BOX!” before I realize it needs to be changed. Best of all, I’m sure they’d tell me that they love me. Their friendly meows and purring, however, do the talking for them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-pets-could-talk-what-would-they-say/171807.md?page=3)