# If your spouse said "Let's be monogamish", would you think about it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 23, 2012, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029 "2012-06-23T04:33:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Capt\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Capt\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/21 "2012-06-23T16:53:50Z")
um I voted for pie, where is the pie? I really want my pie. Do what you want to do as long as you don’t lie about it **CAPT** ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/22 "2012-06-23T16:56:50Z")
No, and to steal shamelessly from Alice Walker, fuck him for entertaining the thought. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/23 "2012-06-23T17:04:02Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I have no desire to sleep with other men. My husband feels the same way. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/24 "2012-06-23T17:11:42Z")
I would not be inclined to go for it, but that’s because I am fully poly. What you are describing would elevate one of my relationships to a special privileged position, a primary relationships, with the others reduced to something “on the side”. I would not want to do that. I prefer the equitable poly structure we’ve got. ETA: voted “Other” because voting “No” seems likely to be misleading in this context; the poll seems to assume folks’ existing arrangements are monogamous. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/25 "2012-06-23T22:36:48Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > 🙂 I wondered if someone would catch that… ---
**Author:** ![rat\_avatar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rat_avatar/32/255_2.png) [@rat\_avatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rat_avatar)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/26 "2012-06-23T22:44:36Z")
I am not against it as a concept but I would not stay in an open relationship, this is mostly due to heath concerns and risk avoidance. Infidelity is more an issue of trust and a serious health concern for me I don’t view it as a moral issue or with me being jealous. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/27 "2012-06-23T22:52:31Z")
Yeh, probably. ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/28 "2012-06-23T23:50:26Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I would not be inclined to go for it, but that’s because I am fully poly. What you are describing would elevate one of my relationships to a special privileged position, a primary relationships, with the others reduced to something “on the side”. I would not want to do that. I prefer the equitable poly structure we’ve got. Your many partners would no doubt me clawing each others’ eyes out at even the slightest hint of favouritism! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/29 "2012-06-24T00:27:40Z")
No, but hey, it would have been nice if the former Mrs. RickJay had ASKED first. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/30 "2012-06-24T00:28:49Z")
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea that someone would want to marry me in the first place. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/31 "2012-06-24T01:06:30Z")
I want one of those deals where _I_ can get some on the side, but my wife can’t. So far, she hasn’t been cool with that, but I’m sure she’ll come around in a few decades. ---
**Author:** ![Arabella\_Flynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8491ac/32.png) [@Arabella\_Flynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arabella_Flynn)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/32 "2012-06-24T04:36:26Z")
I’m not a particularly jealous girlfriend. Cheating – as in, promising me exclusivity and lying about it, then sneaking around and banging someone else behind my back – is an absolute deal-breaker for me, but bringing up the prospect of an open relationship and talking about it like adults is a different thing. The only reason I voted ‘depends on the relationship’ is that I think I’d be very put out if I had a partner ask to be monogamish because the relationship was disintegrating but he was too much of a weenie to just break up with me. I’d agree to the usual ground rules of always be safe, try to avoid crazy people, in cases of conflict girlfriend wins by default, etc. I personally would also insist that _she_ know about _me_, and that I know enough about her to be able to have a civil chat about the weather if I run into her in the grocery store. I can respect someone who agrees to be a playmate on the side for someone in an open relationship; someone who agrees to an arrangement that she thinks involves sneaking around and pulling one over on the guy’s girlfriend sets off all kinds of alarm bells. I think I’d be equally all right with my end whether my boyfriend never wanted to think about or wanted to hear all the salacious details. I doubt I’d exercise my options very much; I’m not prone to picking up guys as it is, why would I go to the trouble of specifically going out to do it when I already had one? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/33 "2012-06-24T05:24:57Z")
I think it’s a brilliant idea. Having a long term partner is something that appeals to me, and I’m not interested in the instability of a full on poly relationship, but there is something that seems kind of…_arbitrary_ to me about the idea that I’m supposed to have sex with one person and that person alone for the rest of my life. It just seems kind of random that that one act is the dealbreaker- I mean, my doctor can stick his hand up there and it’s fine, but some other guy sticks his hand up that and it’s tears and broken families and everyone’s lives ruined. I think it’d be kind of a hard sell, but I do like the idea. ---
**Author:** ![computergeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e56c9b/32.png) [@computergeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/computergeek)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/34 "2012-06-24T13:48:12Z")
Not only no, but Hell no. That would be just for me though. If some other couple can manage to work that out between themselves, it’s their business, though I tend to assume it’s a pretty hard thing to navigate, especially if you go into a marriage expecting fidelity. ---
**Author:** ![Allthegood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@Allthegood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Allthegood)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/35 "2012-06-24T13:52:13Z")
> [@Bozuit](#): > > Your many partners would no doubt [be] clawing each others’ eyes out at even the slightest hint of favouritism! 😛 Actually, I detect a small amont of favoritism, yet nobody has clawed anyone’s eyes out. Yes, the question as posed seems to assume monogamy. Speaking for myself, I am polyamorous and I never want any of my partners to feel relegated to “on the side” status. Yet there is one relationship that I think of as more central or important than the other. That doesn’t mean I treat anyone like he’s not important. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/36 "2012-06-24T14:37:28Z")
NM ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/37 "2012-06-24T14:52:59Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > It just seems kind of random that that one act is the dealbreaker- I mean, my doctor can stick his hand up there and it’s fine, but some other guy sticks his hand up that and it’s tears and broken families and everyone’s lives ruined. Really? You see no difference between a doctor handling your genital area for a medical procedure, and some hot sex? And you don’t understand why an extramarital clinical procedure is acceptable to most people, but a sexual affair is not? _Really?_ ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/38 "2012-06-24T14:57:55Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > but some other guy sticks his hand up that and it’s tears and . . .. On first read I thought “tears” as in torn and was gonna suggest some lube and caution. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/39 "2012-06-24T14:58:09Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > So…Anyone up for this? If your partner turned to you tomorrow and said “Sweetie, I want some strange, and I’m sure you do, too. Let’s take a night off, meet Sunday morning for brunch, and have a nice day together afterwards. If that works out alright, maybe we can do that once a month or so,” would you even consider it? If that’s what my wife said tomorrow, the first thing I would do is to start looking around for a good therapist. . . . . . for her. Maybe my psychiatrist can recommend someone good. We’d have to have a complete physical first, to rule out any medical issues. Someone just doesn’t go from “Your ass is grass if you ever think about an affair,” to “let’s both do this” with something drastic changing. But maybe we could wait a few weeks before having her checked out. . . Well, on the more serious side, I couldn’t really handle it. I would rather not think about who she’s with and will gladly give up all the potential fun for me in order to just keep it between us. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/40 "2012-06-24T15:07:11Z")
> [@Antigen](#): > > Really? You see no difference between a doctor handling your genital area for a medical procedure, and some hot sex? And you don’t understand why an extramarital clinical procedure is acceptable to most people, but a sexual affair is not? _Really?_ I get that it’s different. The comparison is that the reaction to extramarital sex is about what a person has built up around it in their heads, and that’s going to vary from person to person. I can respect monogyny for my partner’s sake, but to me it seem fairly random and arbitrary- as if you were allowed to play Mousetrap and Scrabble but never ever, for the rest of your life, play Monopoly with someone else. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029.md?page=3)