# If your spouse said "Let's be monogamish", would you think about it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 23, 2012, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029 "2012-06-23T04:33:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/41 "2012-06-24T17:17:33Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Been there, done that, have the t-shirt…and I’m not going back. This. Cheating just ain’t worth it. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/42 "2012-06-24T17:30:56Z")
I could imagine some non-standard relationship terms, but the specific ones described in the OP have no appeal. Of course I’m fine with others doing what they will, as long as EVERYONE involved is clear, in advance, what’s going on. Surprising your date in the morning witb the news that you’ve got a brunch with your spouse–very, very wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/43 "2012-06-24T17:44:31Z")
In theory it’s agreeable: offering the right of first refusal is more respectful and realistic than “I’m just not horny - so sucks to be you.” In practice though, where I live on the far NE suburbs of Atlanta, it would mean mixing in with the poly houseboat community on Lake Lanier (the artificial reservoir that was the inspiration for _Deliverance_. A culture of ex-hillbillies who became affluent when their hardscrabble hill farms were turned into lakefront subdivisions. But they are still so… icky! Some of my co-workers go party/fuck with them, but I can hardly stand to be with them while they have their clothes on. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/44 "2012-06-24T19:57:49Z")
Not really. She’d get way more action than me, as if I’d get any, and she might find out that sex can be much better elsewhere ---
**Author:** ![oreally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7ab992/32.png) [@oreally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oreally)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2012, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/45 "2012-06-24T20:22:55Z")
> [@Farmer\_Jane](#): > > I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea that someone would want to marry me in the first place. > > 😃 Maybe you should try just being “married-ish.” ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/46 "2012-06-25T15:24:14Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > I’d much rather be not married and have multiple sex partners than be in a situation where I was married and we both had multiple sex partners. In fact, I’m currently doing the former and I’d never do the latter. This hardly seems in keeping with your Secretarial duties. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/47 "2012-06-25T16:51:30Z")
This was tried to an extent in my failed marriage. It did not make anything better. It made many things worse. I could handle it if I were going around and my hypothetical partner/spouse weren’t. But that would never happen, and isn’t exactly what one would call a fair and equitable arrangement. I’m just not wired that way. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/48 "2012-06-25T16:56:24Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > I’ve seen a lot of threads lately based on jealousy, possessiveness and betrayal. I’ve seen a lot of marriages broken up due to same. Now, betrayal seems to be at the root of much of it: “S/He said he would be faithful and wasn’t.” And that’s an understandable betrayal. I guess I don’t see ‘monogamish-ness’ as a real solution to jealousy. If someone promised full monogamy and then they break that promise, why should I expect that kind of person to fulfill whatever limits a ‘monogamish’ promise involves? Sure, monogamish-ness works for some people – and more power to them!-- but I think they’re both a minority, and the kind of people who would make full monogamy work, too. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/49 "2012-06-25T16:59:17Z")
Great idea. If two people sign on for this with true intention of making it work, it is a perfect idea. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/50 "2012-06-25T17:03:03Z")
I don’t think this is the sort of thing that can be successfully brought up after you’ve become a couple. If my wife said it to me, I’d be highly inclined to think that she has a target for her “ish”, and the whole thing is just a ploy to get in his pants. Perhaps under two circumstances. If the relationship was open right from the beginning, or if the monogomish concept was the tail end of mutually enjoyed exploration with alternative sexual options. ---
**Author:** ![Imago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/85e7bf/32.png) [@Imago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imago)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/51 "2012-06-25T17:13:44Z")
You know, I _might_ actually consider it if she never, ever uses the word “monogamish” and especially not in that conversation. But in reality, probably a resounding no. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/52 "2012-06-25T17:19:05Z")
Caveat: I am not married. No interest whatsoever in a relationship like that. If he wants to sleep around, he needs a divorce first. ---
**Author:** ![Krouget](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b38774/32.png) [@Krouget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krouget)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/53 "2012-06-25T20:22:03Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I can respect monogyny for my partner’s sake, but to me it seem fairly random and arbitrary- as if you were allowed to play Mousetrap and Scrabble but never ever, for the rest of your life, play Monopoly with someone else. I understand this line of thinking and a part of me agrees, if I remain completely objective. However, I also know its one of those things that has the potential to easily get out of hand, which would quickly become an issue. And again, I agree, the near entirety of it would be in my head, but I’m also human and have been socially conditioned. Interestingly enough, it would be a non-issue to discuss this with my partner (as with anything else), though that’s all it would amount to. More power to any couple(s?) who manage this and are happy, though. I’d be interested in hearing about it. Edit: I actually do have one couple of friends who are married and have somewhat of an open relationship. They appear to be happy together, though I’m not sure how regularly they indulge. ---
**Author:** ![diggerwam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/919ad9/32.png) [@diggerwam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diggerwam)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/54 "2012-06-25T20:48:16Z")
I honestly don’t have a problem if you truly want your partner to be fulfilled and you truly have confidence in your marriage then what is the problem? In practice I’d sure like to have the discussion well before she has anybody picked out for playtime. I don’t think I’d indulge but I want my partner to be happy. I’m logical enough to realize that i cant possibly be the answer to all her needs and urges. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/55 "2012-06-25T22:38:22Z")
I am personally pretty strongly monogamous, but honestly, monogamish sounds like the worst of both worlds. Saying “You can have other stuff going on in your life, but don’t tell me about it” sounds awful. What do you say in response to casual innocent questions about how work happy hour went, when the truth is you left early to have sex with the guy from accounting, or if your partner mentions her mother is coming over Saturday after noon, and you might not be there because you are hoping to nail your raquetball partner after your usual Saturday morning game? In a straight out affair, it’s all lies. But monogamish sounds like you’re under a weird sort of pressure to tell all these little lies to avoid a truth that you don’t even mind telling. I can’t imagine anything more corrosive in an otherwise solid relationship. I guess I feel like if two people aren’t comfortable hearing (or saying) “I might be late coming home Tuesday; the mail-room guy has been making eyes at me and I think something might happen”, then you’re more monogamous than you are admitting to yourself. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” seems really complicated in the context of day-to-day married life. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2012, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/56 "2012-06-25T23:01:30Z")
I was in an open marriage for 10 years. The poly-ness was actually the healthiest, happiest, most constructive aspect of our relationship. We were really good at it. Pity the rest of our relationship sucked so badly. But I couldn’t do it “don’t ask, don’t tell”. Part of the reason our being open brought us together was that we each genuinely delighted in the happiness of the other no matter what partner that was with. Some of our best conversations were about our relationships with other people, and what they were teaching us about ourselves. I’m monogamous with my current SO, but we’re still in discussion. He has some history swinging, which I’m not comfortable with, and I’ve had the multiple relationship model, which he’s not comfortable with, so at this point, it’s just he and me. Someday, there may be a hot tub and a bottle of Wild Turkey with another couple, but we’ll see. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/57 "2012-06-26T08:42:44Z")
Why would I have confidence in my marriage if a significant part of it is considered not good enough for my wife? I do know that people tend to bond with the people they have sex with. It’s biochemical. So I can’t even be sure that she won’t become more enamored with her other sex partner more than me. Especially since we would apparently be forbidden to talk about it. And this isn’t just a female thing: I’m pretty sure I also would have problems not having feelings for someone I had sex with, even if only once a month. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/58 "2012-06-26T09:21:53Z")
I would say “Yes, please go out on Saturday”. Then I would stay home and maybe read a book and have a glass of whiskey. At this point in my life I don’t need women to pay attention to me; I need somehow to make them ignore me. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/59 "2012-06-26T10:53:46Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I do know that people tend to bond with the people they have sex with. It’s biochemical. I agree. That’s why I always wear safety goggles to bed:cool: ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/60 "2012-06-26T17:45:05Z")
Who said anything about being forbidden to talk about it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029.md?page=4)