# If your spouse said "Let's be monogamish", would you think about it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 23, 2012, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029 "2012-06-23T04:33:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/61 "2012-06-26T17:54:49Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Who said anything about being forbidden to talk about it? The OP: > [@Taomist](#): > > My caveats for having a monogamish relationship (HUGE kudos to Dan Savage for the phrase, it’s perfect) would be that I would _not_ want to know anything about what was going on, and I would not want to share what I was doing, either. Sex is between me and whatever group of monkeys I’m sharing it with at the time, and that is it. And my marriage is between me and my husband, and THAT is it. > > MrTao…may want to be more sharing. It would be…difficult for me, but I would at least try it, for him, after making it clear that I’d rather not. Hell, I’d rather make up fantastic tales about what I did then share what really happened; it’s just a privacy thing, as odd as that sounds in this context. But I would certainly try, if that’s what he wanted. If he liked THAT enough, then I’d _definitely_ come up with something hot and imaginary for him to think about! (And now I have this image of a woman in an open marriage who never actually does anything on her end…hrm…I need to write that down somewhere) Her reasons seem to me to be philosophical (sex is private to the people having it for her) but I just don’t see how that possibly works on a day-to-day, practical level. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/62 "2012-06-26T18:04:45Z")
Ahhh gotcha. I had missed that part; but it seems to be the OP’s personal druthers on the topic, rather than part of the central definition. I have friends who theoretically have an open relationship, the fact of which is very important to both of them. But they’ve been together 10 years, and neither of them has wandered out of the relationship for the last 4. At this point, even though they’re theoretically open to whoever/whatever, they’re more monogamish than anything else. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/63 "2012-06-26T19:54:36Z")
Absolutely not. I’m fairly easy sexually when I’m single, but when I’m with someone I’m with that someone exclusively. What other people do is their business, but I have to say that perhaps not always but _very_ _very_ often one part of the duo would love to be exclusive but doesn’t have the self-esteem to demand it or otherwise walk out, and the other party takes advantage and has their cake and eats it. ---
**Author:** ![Plumbkrazy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f05b48/32.png) [@Plumbkrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumbkrazy)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/64 "2012-06-26T19:59:06Z")
The only thing that makes a married couple a married couple is sexual monogamy. If you don’t have that, you might as well be single. ---
**Author:** ![dngnb8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@dngnb8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dngnb8)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/65 "2012-06-26T20:28:33Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > So…if your partner tomorrow said “Hey, let’s!”, would you even consider it? Nope. If she wants strange, she can have it, as her ass is walking out my front door for good. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/66 "2012-06-26T20:35:57Z")
[Here](http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/06/couples-in-open-relationships?INTCMP=SRCH) is a very interesting article about open relationships from the Guardian. You see, all these people insist it’s fine and cool and bohemian, but none of them has me convinced. Perhaps it’s my bourgeois closed mind, but all I (and many of the people in the comments) see is misery and low self-esteem. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/67 "2012-06-26T21:08:14Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > [Here](http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/06/couples-in-open-relationships?INTCMP=SRCH) is a very interesting article about open relationships from the Guardian. You see, all these people insist it’s fine and cool and bohemian, but none of them has me convinced. Perhaps it’s my bourgeois closed mind, but all I (and many of the people in the comments) see is misery and low self-esteem. That’s pretty much my read on monogamy, which illustrates my equally closed bohemian mind, I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/68 "2012-06-26T21:08:26Z")
My friend’s sister was in such a relationship at the request of her husband. She fell in love with another dude and has been monogamously married to him for longer than she was married to her ex. I _might_ be interested in a threesome or swinging, but everything would be done with the full consent and knowledge of my husband or I’m not doing it. The only way I could realistically see myself or my husband getting something on the side in a DADT situation is if one of us were badly mangled in such a way that sex was no longer possible; however, I suspect that we’d break up before we got to that point. We are a species that generally practices pair bonding and serial social monogamy. That’s why oxytocin, the bonding hormone, flows through us when we kiss or orgasm. I suspect that some people, due to genetics, are more suited to monogamy than others, and that some can’t help but fall in love through sex. If I knew my husband could have sex without falling in love, I’d be less leery about it, but to spring it after monogamy has been established without any prior experimentation? That’s too big of a risk to take. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/69 "2012-06-26T22:26:02Z")
I have no moral qualm with it, and I am friends with people in an open marriage. I’m cool with whatever works for them. As for me, I rather naively found myself being part of that experiment in my own marriage, and suffice to say that it REALLY didn’t work for me. Of course, in our case, it was definitely not a healthy experiment, and her desire to try it was really just a symptom of issues that should have shown us then and there that we shouldn’t be together (we figured it out shortly thereafter, however). Still, from that brief time, I can say that I wouldn’t want that with anyone. I’ve never quite been able to personally view sex as a purely physical activity, and I think that it would be virtually impossible for me to truly believe that my spouse (past, current or imaginary) could have sex with someone else without any feelings at all for that person being involved. And that’s the part that drives me a bit nutty – I don’t want my spouse sharing that kind of emotional bond with anyone else. Additionally, I know that _I_ can’t have sex without some emotional attachment involved, and I don’t think I’d want to be married to someone who didn’t care about my feelings for another woman that way. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/70 "2012-06-27T00:29:46Z")
Since your OP said “spouse” I said “unequivocally no.” I’ve had non-exclusive relationships in the past but that is what distinguishes marriage, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Tad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@Tad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tad)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2012, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/71 "2012-06-27T00:58:13Z")
For me the answer is a complete and total no. Having said that, I see my particular situation as something that is something-else. Like I see everyone else’s situation in that category. Which is to say that I can’t, and don’t, think of relationships within defined categories like monogamy. That’s a term that can be useful on a broader scope, but not a specific one. How people understand the specifics of their personal desires and needs with a companion is a fluid exercise. It depends on whether or not you see yourself as malleable or firm as an individual, within circumstances, and/or through time. The purpose and path of my relationship, on my end, does not include that possibility except as a deal-breaker. When two people want opposing things, they choose what to do. If you were to tell your spouse about this desire and they chose to leave you for it, that would make sense. If they chose not to, that would make sense. If they chose to agree with you, that would make sense. I’m not necessarily trying to be relative here. What I’m trying to bring out is that I think there isn’t any satisfying kind of answer to this question. For some yes, for some no, and both possibilities are always exactly equal in being right. Having said that, I would brand this type of behaviour/need/desire as incredibly selfish. Something like wanting all the emotional, dependency, reliability, and economic benefits of a monogamous relationship without the ties that those characteristics (seem to) imply. Though this may be that my views on the utility of monogamous relationships is rigid and out-dated. My gut reaction is to be annoyed with the idea when I relate it to myself, but totally passive when it comes to others. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2012, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/72 "2012-06-27T01:08:21Z")
I’d be really confused. As she ( **CrazyCatLady** ) states above, her thoughts on the subject are not exactly equivocal. I’m not opposed to the concept for other people but it’s definitely not for me. Some people clearly aren’t cut out for monogamy, and the world would be better if those people found one another instead of giving in to the societal pressure to make monogamous commitments they don’t intend to keep or that they’ll be miserable keeping. I don’t think that wanting (or even _needing_) more than a single sexual partner precludes loving and wanting to make a life with someone. But I don’t feel that need, and I have far too much jealousy and far too little self-confidence to be comfortable with her doing it. I suppose that if it were something she really needed to be happy I’d find a way to consider it, but as I said it would be so out of character that it’s difficult to imagine a situation where everything was truly OK with her and with us where it would come up. I REALLY couldn’t do the DADT version, because I have a far too active imagination; every time she nipped out to the grocery store I’d imagine her blowing some guy in the parking lot. But I also really wouldn’t want to hear about it, so the options are limited. ---
**Author:** ![Dunkelheit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dunkelheit/32/248_2.png) [@Dunkelheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunkelheit)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/73 "2012-06-29T00:11:49Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > ETA: voted “Other” because voting “No” seems likely to be misleading in this context; the poll seems to assume folks’ existing arrangements are monogamous. ^This. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/74 "2012-06-29T02:30:51Z")
I want to clarify. I don’t see “monogamish” as the same as an open relationship. In an open relationship, you are keeping the option open to actively date and see other people. I’m not really into that- polyamory and open relationships never really appealed to me. What I am comfortable with is something along the lines of “Hey, baby. I just want to let you know that if you ever get drunk at a business conference or something and end up slipping up, it’s not the end of the world. Be smart, be safe, don’t make a habit of it, and don’t rub it in my face. But if it happens, well, forever is a long time. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes more than a dick in a hole to be the end of us.” ---
**Author:** ![Yask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Yask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yask)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/75 "2012-06-29T07:06:51Z")
Another YES vote here, but circumstances/couple has to be right. Our joke is that what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. She was the one who brought it up … asked if I wanted to go to a strip club. One thing led to another and we ended up at the Red Rooster (a swing club). Not much happened that night, but after talking about it for a while after we got home we put our profile up on a friendfinder site. That was about ten years ago. Not that we do this every single weekend. There are a few parties a year, a few trips to clubs here and there especially when we travel, the occasional date when another couple interests us. Jealousy has never been a part of it. I wouldn’t say it’s as clinical as a doctor exam, more a massage. Would you get jealous or consider it a dealbreaker if your SO got a massage from someone else? Our emotional bond is as strong as ever, so there’s no thought of ‘what if’? plus, we’re both fine in the self-esteem/confidence department. Also, it’s a let’s do this together thing. No interest in separate rooms, and if either of us sense that another couple is trying to repair a relationship the deal’s off. I guess the difference is whether your partner says “I want to go fool around with that guy/gal” or “let’s go fool around with them.” Subtle, but important difference. ---
**Author:** ![oreally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7ab992/32.png) [@oreally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oreally)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/76 "2012-06-29T07:13:53Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > all I (and many of the people in the comments) see is misery and low self-esteem. ya think? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/77 "2012-06-29T12:10:06Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I want to clarify. > > I don’t see “monogamish” as the same as an open relationship. In an open relationship, you are keeping the option open to actively date and see other people. I’m not really into that- polyamory and open relationships never really appealed to me. > > What I am comfortable with is something along the lines of “Hey, baby. I just want to let you know that if you ever get drunk at a business conference or something and end up slipping up, it’s not the end of the world. Be smart, be safe, don’t make a habit of it, and don’t rub it in my face. But if it happens, well, forever is a long time. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes more than a dick in a hole to be the end of us.” You are leaving out the emotional stuff. My husband wouldn’t leave me if I “slipped up” and I wouldn’t leave him if he did, but both of us would be emotionally devastated by the other person’s unfaithfulness. The fact that I wouldn’t leave him for it doesn’t mean he’s free to do it. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/78 "2012-06-29T12:25:37Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > What I am comfortable with is something along the lines of “Hey, baby. I just want to let you know that if you ever get drunk at a business conference or something and end up slipping up, it’s not the end of the world. Be smart, be safe, don’t make a habit of it, and don’t rub it in my face. But if it happens, well, forever is a long time. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes more than a dick in a hole to be the end of us.” I’d more than likely forgive that _after_ it had happened. But I don’t want to pardon it _beforehand_ as that just seems terribly close to giving permission. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/79 "2012-06-29T12:28:48Z")
> [@oreally](#): > > ya think? Er…yes. That’s why I stated that opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2012, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029/80 "2012-06-29T12:57:25Z")
I wouldn’t go right to an \*unequivocal _no, so I split my vote for “depends” and “other.” But I would lean very very heavily towards No. If my wife put this on the table, I’d be extremely wary. I’d have to wonder what she needs or wants that she’s not getting from me. And it would take a_ lot \*of convincing that this arrangement would untimately be a good thing for our marriage. In the end I really doubt I’d go for it. I doubt even more that my wife would propose it in the first place. In my view, all parts of a marriage intertwine with one another, in complex and wonderful ways. I don’t see how I could just pull the “sex” part out, without unraveling everything else. Case in point: > [@WhyNot](#): > > I was in an open marriage for 10 years. The poly-ness was actually the healthiest, happiest, most constructive aspect of our relationship. We were really good at it. Pity the rest of our relationship sucked so badly. Is it possible that the “open” part of your marriage worked so well _because_ the rest of it sucked so badly? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-your-spouse-said-lets-be-monogamish-would-you-think-about-it/626029.md?page=5)