# "If you're a female and you want to get a man in bed, all you have to do is ask." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 3, 2009, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916 "2009-04-03T21:45:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/41 "2009-04-05T02:46:55Z")
> [@brujaja](#): > > Not to mention that average testosterone levels are **down 15%** (in men) from **15 years ago**. That sounds interesting, can you show me your source for that? ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/42 "2009-04-05T03:17:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > As mentioned upthread, and confirmed by the OP (i.e. that crazy dude who used to threaten people with mutant bees) the question was really meant to be in regards to a woman propositioning a SPECIFIC man–say a friend–whom she has a crush on. man…that’s so LESS interesting. All other things being equal, the woman would have 5x the chances of a YES is she’s doing the asking. (i won’t even try to guess percentages here) * * * (slight hijack) Being incurably faithful to my wife (equal parts morality and fear) I’d always say no; but if Halle Berry or Megan Fox or Monica Bellucci or Gemma Atkinson (or someone in that level of atom-splicing hotness) made me “fail”, my chances of forgiveness would go up from “utterly zero” to “infinitesimal” due to the \*at-least-it-took-that-kind-of-beauty-and-not-just-any-skank \*factor. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/43 "2009-04-05T03:48:46Z")
> [@brujaja](#): > > Thank you!! > > I had been wondering where men get nutty ridiculous irrational ideas like this: > “1 woman + 10 guys, she says “anybody wanna go to bed with me?” She’ll get a yes 100% of the time unless she’s on the bottom 10 or 15% in physical beauty.” > (Originally Posted by Malacandra) I don’t know where people get that. Probably _Cosmo_, or some other trashy magazine. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/44 "2009-04-05T05:27:52Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > That sounds interesting, can you show me your source for that? \< googles \> [Here’s](http://www.endocrinetoday.com/view.aspx?rid=23983) an article about the decline in testosterone. [QUOTE=Endocrine Today] "The interesting thing we discovered was that, on average, when we measured the testosterone in the blood of a 60-year-old in 1989 it was higher than that in a different 60-year-old measured in 1995,” said Thomas Travison, PhD, of the New England Research Institutes, Watertown, Mass. “We observed the same phenomenon over a wide range of ages.” [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/45 "2009-04-05T05:46:33Z")
Take away the totally fictional and alarm-tripping “sidewalk proposition” scenario and replace it with a normal social setting, like a bar or a coffee house (if you prefer alcohol not influence the results), an I’d wager that a woman of reasonable attractiveness could successfully proposition a man of suitable attractiveness inside a half hour assuming a reasonable crowd. Now, a man of proportional attractiveness would be extremely fortunate to match her feat; there’s a reason we call it getting lucky. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/46 "2009-04-05T06:46:49Z")
> [@brujaja](#): > > Thank you!! > > I had been wondering where men get nutty ridiculous irrational ideas like this: > “1 woman + 10 guys, she says “anybody wanna go to bed with me?” She’ll get a yes 100% of the time unless she’s on the bottom 10 or 15% in physical beauty.” > (Originally Posted by Malacandra) > > I can tell you, because I am the sort of woman who \*\*will **occasionally find myself in a situation where it seems appropriate to say, "Wanna f** k?", that this 100% figure is ludicrous. Men, you’re just whining if you actually believe that. > > Not to mention that average testosterone levels are **down 15%** (in men) from **15 years ago**. Fix your sloppy attribution, if you’re going to accuse people of nutty irrational ideas. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/47 "2009-04-05T07:32:03Z")
I have had 100% success propositioning men I had a crush on. I am not a 10. But, I could always tell when men were attracted to me and didn’t proposition any who weren’t. I put this in the past tense because I’m married lo these many years, and while I still have 100% success it’s now just one guy. ---
**Author:** ![brujaja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@brujaja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brujaja)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/48 "2009-04-05T08:07:08Z")
Whoops, sorry, **Malacandra**. My HTML-fu must have slipped. Sorry. And I didn’t mean to come off sounding so testy; must be sexual frustration. I came in to provide that [cite](http://www.nhne.org/news/NewsArticlesArchive/tabid/400/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/1980/Default.aspx) but I see that **Der Trihs** was kind enough to post it. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/49 "2009-04-05T08:21:44Z")
Silly anecdote. When my wife turns down sex, it’s no big deal. If I turn down sex, something is terribly wrong with the relationship, and “why are you so distant”, and “why are you crying?” and the whole world is ending. I need to have a serious biological REASON to turn down sex, such as an open head wound or recovering from chemotherapy. My wife (and yours, don’t lie) will turn it down because they just don’t feel like it. ---
**Author:** ![Icerigger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icerigger/32/432_2.png) [@Icerigger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icerigger)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/50 "2009-04-05T11:03:57Z")
My male hormones must be out of alignment but the very idea of loveless, commitmentless sex has absolutely no appeal to me at all. As others have said I can enjoy the view but to me it is not real, it’s like looking at a work of beautiful art. In the same way sex with a prostitute, someone who cares not an once about you does not interest me even if I am exceptionally lonely. I did once pass up the opportunity for an offer of sex from a woman I worked with because I did not care for her in that way at all, and she was married besides. So I passed on an easy lay that I guess most men would have taken advantage of if these surveys can be believed. ---
**Author:** ![apollonia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2bfe46/32.png) [@apollonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apollonia)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/51 "2009-04-05T13:04:38Z")
I believe that the assertion that people are tossing around here, that women are most afraid of a man assaulting them while men are most afraid that women will laugh at them, is from Gavin Debecker’s _The Gift of Fear._ ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2009, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/52 "2009-04-05T17:13:08Z")
> [@apollonia](#): > > I believe that the assertion that people are tossing around here, that women are most afraid of a man assaulting them while men are most afraid that women will laugh at them, is from Gavin Debecker’s _The Gift of Fear._ It may appear in that book, but I’ve always seen the quote attributed to novelist Margaret Atwood. Google turns up a lot of people saying it’s hers, although I couldn’t turn up the original source so I suppose that may not be the correct attribution. As to the OPs question, I have a difficult time believing that no heterosexual man on earth would ever turn _any_ woman down. I am sure all the men reading this can at least imagine a woman so unappealing that they would refuse to have sex with her if she asked. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/53 "2009-04-06T01:01:11Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > As to the OPs question, I have a difficult time believing that no heterosexual man on earth would ever turn _any_ woman down. I am sure all the men reading this can at least imagine a woman so unappealing that they would refuse to have sex with her if she asked. I don’t see why you had to bring my wife into this. ---
**Author:** ![FrustratedIdiot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/77aa72/32.png) [@FrustratedIdiot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FrustratedIdiot)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/54 "2009-04-06T01:26:00Z")
I am a guy, and I have turned down sex. It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes there’s just no attraction there. If I’m going to do someone, I’m going to do them right. ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/55 "2009-04-06T03:42:37Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > In one way, you’re right. However, I was quoting someone else, who was quoting someone else. My point is, when women consider dating/hooking up with a guy, they have a very real and realistic fear of being assaulted. Men’s biggest fear of a potential date or hookup is that she might laugh at him, and the fear of being accused of rape or getting slapped with a paternity suit is much smaller. I think that realistically, the chances of a woman laughing or mocking a guy on a date or hookup is much greater than of her accusing him of rape or fatherhood. > > I have no idea how great the risks of getting assaulted or killed in a dating situation are for women these days. I’d guess, though, that the risks are much higher than a man’s chances of getting falsely accused of rape or paternity. Really? I’m not sure, but that doesn’t seem obvious to me. Truth be told I do not know what the chances for either are, but I can easily believe that the incidence of false accusations could outnumber that of actual rape–probably not drastically, but at least slightly. My gut instinct is that the incidence is about the same. Like I said though, I don’t know, but I’m skeptical of that assertion. As to the OP, I have a feeling that one of the issues is that women are generally more likely to pick their situation solicit sex, so they’ve already sussed out the situation a bit and so are more likely to be successful for that reason. If a random woman coming up to me out of the blue and saying “hey I want to have sex” I think I would turn her down. Scratch that, I would definitely turn her down. Now I might possibly spend some time getting to know her if I got a good feeling from her and eventually I might be more open to sex, but it would not be a foregone conclusion. I don’t think this is too bizarre an attitude for a guy to have. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/56 "2009-04-06T04:01:28Z")
> [@sjc](#): > > Really? I’m not sure, but that doesn’t seem obvious to me. Truth be told I do not know what the chances for either are, but I can easily believe that the incidence of false accusations could outnumber that of actual rape–probably not drastically, but at least slightly. My gut instinct is that the incidence is about the same. I’ve got a good friend who is a New York City prosecutor. She tells me that the ratio of real rape accusations to false ones is about 50/50. She also tells me that if she were to be on the other side, defending an accused rapist in front of a jury, she’d want a jury composed completely or mostly of women. She says it’s much easer to convince women (by implication, since one isn’t allowed to actually say it) that the victim was asking for it and it wasn’t really rape. Not very heartening. ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/57 "2009-04-06T06:49:30Z")
> [@apollonia](#): > > I believe that the assertion that people are tossing around here, that women are most afraid of a man assaulting them while men are most afraid that women will laugh at them, is from Gavin Debecker’s _The Gift of Fear._ I wouldn’t be afraid of being laughed at, some ridiculous hot chick comes up and asks me to go home with her, I’m thinking I’m about to be robbed. > [@Lamia](#): > > As to the OPs question, I have a difficult time believing that no heterosexual man on earth would ever turn _any_ woman down. I am sure all the men reading this can at least imagine a woman so unappealing that they would refuse to have sex with her if she asked. I’m single and have done it. I could 100% guarentee you there’d be some pregnancy scare two weeks later and how she was SURE she got pregant and whatever bullshit drama. …but I’ve done it. It was hard as hell, but I’ve done it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/58 "2009-04-06T07:03:54Z")
Does she want a specific man? Because that can be harder, for a good number of reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/59 "2009-04-06T08:14:40Z")
> [@brujaja](#): > > Whoops, sorry, **Malacandra**. My HTML-fu must have slipped. Sorry. And I didn’t mean to come off sounding so testy; must be sexual frustration. > > I came in to provide that [cite](http://www.nhne.org/news/NewsArticlesArchive/tabid/400/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/1980/Default.aspx) but I see that **Der Trihs** was kind enough to post it. Hee hee, you said “testy”. No, it’s all good with me, although I did wonder what the hell male hormone levels had to do with a discussion of a supposed social phenomenon other than dragging the argument round to men’s sexual inadequacy, but when they start stoning people round here for being testy you’ll probably be some way behind me in the queue. **Lamia** pretty much makes the point, although not in the way she intended - because in order for her thought experiment to end in the man turning down sex she has to put a horribly ugly woman into the equation. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2009, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916/60 "2009-04-06T12:54:03Z")
> [@Cyberhwk](#): > > I wouldn’t be afraid of being laughed at, some ridiculous hot chick comes up and asks me to go home with her, I’m thinking I’m about to be robbed. I had a woman ask me if I wanted a ‘BJ’ when I was in Romania. The first thought to come into my head was that she’s going to rob me. There’s no way just because some woman comes up to me and asked to get laid I’m going with her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-a-female-and-you-want-to-get-a-man-in-bed-all-you-have-to-do-is-ask/491916.md?page=4)