### Author:  [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)
#### Post date: [September 17, 2004, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/1 "2004-09-17T04:50:28Z")
What the fuck? I’m cooking bratwurst in my favorite way, and MiL tells me how I did it wrong last time. So to placate her I cook it the “right” way. (I’ve been cooking brats the same way for almost 20 years and I like it.)
Well, after speed-cooking them I tell her they’re ready. (These are raw brats and again, I have a system). “Oh, I’m not having any, I already ate at work.”
Now I have to try to salvage the fucking things so they taste decent, but they look like they’re too far gone to save.
Open letter to anyone within 50 feet of me when I’m cooking.
Dear \,
Cooking is my main hobby. I enjoy it immensely and take great joy in the prep and cooking of a meal. Eating the meal itself is a distant second on my list of why I enjoy it. Unless you REALLY hate the way I cook something that you’re gonna eat, shut the fuck up about how I’m doing it wrong because your friend does it differently.
_Especially_ when it comes to my brats. :dubious:
Love\*, duffer.
- unless you fucking do it again and ruin my dinner I was looking forward to for the past 5 hours.
---
### Author:  [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/2 "2004-09-18T08:47:13Z")
Growing up in the Fox Valley I can say without question: _don’t fuck with the brats_.
They’re messy, greasy, and paired with beer they’re heaven. They’re even worth the pain of the occasional squirt of hot grease on the roof of my mouth.
Never annoy the cook. No backseat cooking. You don’t like it? **You don’t eat.**
---
### Author:  [@blowero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blowero)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/3 "2004-09-18T08:51:05Z")
Mmmmm… Snausages!
---
### Author:  [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/4 "2004-09-18T09:54:31Z")
A brilliant idea! I hate it when you have a family get together and the grownups can’t have a quiet drunk because of all the drooly brats screeching about underfoot. I tried kicking one once but it let loose such a wail that its mother swooped in and prevented me from finishing it off. But to eat them! That’s brilliant. Brilliant!
---
### Author:  [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/5 "2004-09-18T10:26:42Z")
> [@lissener](#):
>
> A brilliant idea! I hate it when you have a family get together and the grownups can’t have a quiet drunk because of all the drooly brats screeching about underfoot. I tried kicking one once but it let loose such a wail that its mother swooped in and prevented me from finishing it off. But to eat them! That’s brilliant. Brilliant!
I was wondering when someone was going to trot out this tired and pathetic joke as if it was funny or original. You still think Sniglets are a stitch, don’t you?
---
### Author:  [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/6 "2004-09-18T10:46:33Z")
Wow.
Do you need a cuddle Mockingbird?
I’m feelin’ that YOU’RE feelin’ pretty fucking shitty.
I’d offer to give you a hug, but you give ME the shits as well.
Meh. Such is life eh?
---
### Author:  [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/7 "2004-09-18T10:48:58Z")
> [@lissener](#):
>
> A brilliant idea! I hate it when you have a family get together and the grownups can’t have a quiet drunk because of all the drooly brats screeching about underfoot. I tried kicking one once but it let loose such a wail that its mother swooped in and prevented me from finishing it off. But to eat them! That’s brilliant. Brilliant!
Jonathan Swift beat you to it about two hundred years ago…
---
### Author:  [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/8 "2004-09-18T10:53:20Z")
> [@kambuckta](#):
>
> Wow.
>
> Do you need a cuddle Mockingbird?
>
> I’m feelin’ that YOU’RE feelin’ pretty fucking shitty.
>
> I’d offer to give you a hug, but you give ME the shits as well.
> Meh. Such is life eh?
_Wow_.
A remark that is supposed to show insight and humor and possesses neither.
I guess it came from the Land Down Under, where an idiot crows and spouts their bluster.
---
### Author:  [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/9 "2004-09-18T10:58:12Z")
> [@lissener](#):
>
> the grownups can’t have a quiet drunk
I don’t know whether you intend gang-date-rape or cannibalism, but whichever, leave the poor drunk alone!
---
### Author:  [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/10 "2004-09-18T11:00:22Z")
Probably half your favorite movies are retellings of stories from years, even centuries ago. A creative rephrasing of an old premise is at the core of all types of arts produced now. I hope that you properly diss all of those as having been done before. I found **lissener** ’s post to be mildly amusing.
---
### Author:  [@six\_personalities](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/six_personalities)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/11 "2004-09-18T11:01:04Z")
Both sound like a fun night out 😉
---
### Author:  [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/12 "2004-09-18T11:03:41Z")
> [@This Year's Model](#):
>
> Probably half your favorite movies are retellings of stories from years, even centuries ago. A creative rephrasing of an old premise is at the core of all types of arts produced now. I hope that you properly diss all of those as having been done before. I found **lissener** ’s post to be mildly amusing.
Except, my post was a joke too.
WOOP
WOOP
That was my humorless turd alarm going off.
---
### Author:  [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/13 "2004-09-18T11:05:29Z")
> [@six\_personalities](#):
>
> Both sound like a fun night out 😉
You are a personality short of being interesting.
---
### Author:  [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/14 "2004-09-18T11:18:03Z")
> [@Ilsa\_Lund](#):
>
> That was my humorless turd alarm going off.
You may care (or not) to note that I found humor in the one post in this thread that actually contained humor.
Gosh, there sure are a bunch of cranky assholes wandering into this thread. Myself included.
---
### Author:  [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/15 "2004-09-18T11:21:18Z")
> [@This Year's Model](#):
>
> You may care (or not) to note that I found humor in the one post in this thread that actually contained humor.
Hey mine was funny (wasn’t it? Or was it too sick?).
> [@](#):
>
> Gosh, there sure are a bunch of cranky assholes wandering into this thread. Myself included.
Is everyone hungover or something?
---
### Author:  [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/16 "2004-09-18T11:25:07Z")
> [@jjimm](#):
>
> Hey mine was funny (wasn’t it? Or was it too sick?).
No, it sounded like a pre-emptive strike to ensure your safety during a weekend spent as a quiet drunk.
> [@](#):
>
> Is everyone hungover or something?
My exuse is that I was awakened at 3 in the morning by a raging argument in the parking lot, and couldn’t get back to sleep. And the newspapers are not here yet.
---
### Author:  [@six\_personalities](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/six_personalities)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/17 "2004-09-18T12:03:02Z")
> [@Mockingbird](#):
>
> You are a personality short of being interesting.
Please choose an appropriate personality and send it to me then 🙂
---
### Author:  [@Athena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athena)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/18 "2004-09-18T14:06:58Z")
> [@Mockingbird](#):
>
> I was wondering when someone was going to trot out this tired and pathetic joke as if it was funny or original. You still think Sniglets are a stitch, don’t you?
Actually, I’ve lived in the UP (which for cultural purposes can be referred to as “Northern Wisconsin”) most of my life, and I’ve never heard “brats” as in bratwurst punned to “brats” as in bratty kids. I’m thinking it highlights that you’re emphatically NOT a Wisconsonite (or cheesehead, if you prefer.) Because everyone knows that “brats” as in bratwurst is pronounced like “brought,” and does not rhyme with “bat.”
Thus the pun just doesn’t make it, up here in real braaaat country.
---
### Author:  [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/19 "2004-09-18T14:17:17Z")
> [@Athena](#):
>
> I’m thinking it highlights that you’re emphatically NOT a Wisconsonite (or cheesehead, if you prefer.) Because everyone knows that “brats” as in bratwurst is pronounced like “brought,” and does not rhyme with “bat.”
If you see his first post, he mentions he’s from the Fox Valley, which is the Appleton/Oshkosh/etc area. I’m from Wisconsin as well, but I roll my eyes when I see this “pun” - I’ve seen it a lot but only in written form, on the Internet.
---
### Author:  [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)
#### Post date: [September 18, 2004, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801/20 "2004-09-18T14:25:27Z")
Getting back to the OP, I was branded a heretic in my family for daring to alter Gramma’s time honored macaroni salad recipe. If I’m preparing a dish, I’m going to fix it the way my family enjoys it, tyvm. Eat it or don’t, there are always plenty of other choices, but trying to debate that my method is objectively wrong? :rolleyes:
[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/if-youre-not-going-to-eat-dont-tell-me-how-im-cooking-it-wrong/264801.md?page=2)