# Ignoring court-ordered anger management - what happens? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 18, 2017, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717 "2017-04-18T17:33:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/41 "2017-04-18T21:10:46Z")
> [@SamuelA](#): > > Well, I’ve never personally seen domestic violence, so ok. What I have seen is that it takes 2 to tango - he doesn’t hit her if she isn’t being deliberately antagonizing… Sure he does. He’s mad at someone or something that he can’t control. Maybe his boss pissed him off, maybe he got cut off in traffic, maybe he lost money when his favorite football team botched a play. He can’t hit his boss, he can’t even find the guy who cut him off, and he’s not going to take on the entire offensive line of the Bears, so what’s he going to do with all of that rage? Some people find healthy outlets, and some find not so healthy outlets. Sometimes wife who was minding her own business just becomes a convenient substitute punching bag. And yes, sometimes that can come out of the blue as well. He’s never before had a day where he got in trouble with his boss, AND got cut off on the drive home, AND lost too much money, AND had some booze to try and calm down, AND had to deal with noisy kids in the house, AND smelled burnt toast, AND whatever else happened to exceed his limit. Today he did, and the guy who’s perfectly nice and reasonable 364 days a year explodes, and the wife who never meant to do anything antagonizing and never before had to deal with all that now finds herself sitting in the ER trying to figure out how to explain to her kids why she’s got a broken jaw. Seriously, if you’ve never personally seen domestic violence, you should read and research before attempting to have this “frank and honest discussion.” ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/42 "2017-04-18T21:15:36Z")
> [@SamuelA](#): > > Well, I’ve never personally seen domestic violence, so ok. _I_ have. I’ve caused to be arrested domestic abusers (not all male), and I’ve forced men _and_ women out of their homes into a hotel or barracks, to face the Command Music the next day. All I can say, in this forum, about your post is that you _really_ have no understanding of the complexities and realities of the subject. You should probably retire the field and get yourself some briefings on the subject. _Edit_: In response to your assertion that absent direct provocation, violence doesn’t happen - Well I provide the anecdote of the (civilian) abuser being interviewed inside the residence, whilst the husband (service member) was being interviewed at the curb outside - When his wife came charging out of the house and cold-cocked him, in front of the Masters-at-Arms, Federal Police, and the Command Duty Officer (me). Yeah, she went into a cell. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/43 "2017-04-18T21:19:58Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > _I_ have. I’ve caused to be arrested domestic abusers (not all male), and I’ve forced men _and_ out of their homes into a hotel or barracks, to face the Command Music the next day. > > All i can say, in this forum, about your post is that you _really_ have no understanding of the complexities and realities of the subject. You should probably retire the field and get yourself some briefings on the subject. Tranquilis, how likely is it that one or both of the parties involved would be sent to jail for failing to comply with the judge’s order? Or, at least, what has been your experience in such cases? ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/44 "2017-04-18T21:24:16Z")
> [@MLS](#): > > Tranquilis, how likely is it that one or both of the parties involved would be sent to jail for failing to comply with the judge’s order? Or, at least, what has been your experience in such cases? My experience was in a Military (Naval) context. NO slack there - Though incarceratoin is actually a very low chance, initially. The Service has MANY lesser, coercive, steps that can be taken first. My _Guess?_ Not very likely. Much more likely to get an ass-chewing, and much more intrusive Court management. The first time. Probably. There’s always the odd asshole justice. I just woudn’t tempt it. But the Courts are busy and over-worked. It’s probable that they can milk it a while. Of course, failure to cooperate tends to also lose you any sympathy the Court might have. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/45 "2017-04-18T21:34:09Z")
Thanks. I believe that friends and family have previously told both of them that they need some counseling. Of course, everybody has only one side of the story and nobody except those involved really knows exactly what goes on between them when others aren’t around. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/46 "2017-04-18T22:52:22Z")
> [@SamuelA](#): > > Well, I’ve never personally seen domestic violence, so ok. \*\*What I have seen is that it takes 2 to tango - he doesn’t hit her if she isn’t being deliberately antagonizing. \*\*It doesn’t start with severe beatings. And weirdly, the women who get an abusive boyfriend and leave tend to move to a new abusive boyfriend. I feel like our culture of making it so that discussing what she did wrong is “victim blaming” and thus it cannot be discussed is problematic. Just like rape victims - yes, ok, they are victims of a crime. But some actions are riskier than others, and we ought to discuss openly which ones those are. As I understand it, isolating oneself with a male acquaintance is enormously risky, possibly riskier than going down alleys in a stripper outfit. > > It seems like frank and honest discussions about what generally leads to eventual beatings - not just “the man was evil and it was inevitable” are more productive than “we can’t even talk about it, that’s blaming the victim”. Ditto the situation with a rape - the default zeitgeist seems to be “the man was possessed by Satan, evil, and should be executed. Also, the woman did nothing that increased the risk”. Bolding mine, Yeah, my abusive ex always told me that it was my fault he got so mad. If I just stopped making him mad, then the violence wouldn’t happen anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Common\_Tater](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/common_tater/32/13846_2.png) [@Common\_Tater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Common_Tater)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/47 "2017-04-18T23:28:04Z")
> [@MLS](#): > > Someone I know (not me, honest) was told by a court to go to anger management class. He has not gone. What’s likely to happen? They are going to get really mad. You can see where this leads to. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/48 "2017-04-18T23:46:43Z")
> [@SamuelA](#): > > I see you subscribe to the “only some men are criminals, and those are individuals possessed by Satan and who are irredeemably evil” theory of criminality. It’s an easy and mentally lightweight view to have. > > _Also_, you are neglecting what I said entirely. If you go into Mogadishu, Somalia, the risk to your life only comes from the criminal residents of the city - which is basically all of them. But you choose to go there. You didn’t have to buy a planet ticket there. You are partially to blame for what happened. So, those women who get raped in their own homes, it’s their fault for living there. I get it. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2017, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/49 "2017-04-18T23:52:57Z")
> [@Common\_Tater](#): > > They are going to get really mad. You can see where this leads to. Yeah, I’m sure whatever happens at least one of them is going to play the “It’s not my fault; everybody’s picking on me,” card. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2017, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/50 "2017-04-19T00:52:14Z")
> [@Tranquilis](#): > > Of course, failure to cooperate tends to also lose you any sympathy the Court might have. Well, I would suspect that this is the bottom line in this case, but I ain’t an attorney and she ain’t my client even if I were an attorney. It this turns into any kind of legal dispute, the party cooperating with the court is going t to have an advantage. ---
**Author:** ![eulalia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eulalia/32/457_2.png) [@eulalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eulalia)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2017, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/51 "2017-04-19T08:20:15Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > Bolding mine, Yeah, my abusive ex always told me that it was my fault he got so mad. If I just stopped making him mad, then the violence wouldn’t happen anymore. Yeah, I was going to say pretty much the same thing. If I’d only stop being tired after working all day and so not being interested in sex when he came home late and drunk and I had to get up in four hours to go to work. If I’d only refrain from looking at or talking to other people. If I’d only give him all of the money to drink on instead of paying the rent and buying food. If I’d only hang on his every word and worship him adoringly every minute of every day. Well of course he got angry! ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2017, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/52 "2017-04-19T10:19:11Z")
> [@eulalia](#): > > Yeah, I was going to say pretty much the same thing. If I’d only stop being tired after working all day and so not being interested in sex when he came home late and drunk and I had to get up in four hours to go to work. If I’d only refrain from looking at or talking to other people. If I’d only give him all of the money to drink on instead of paying the rent and buying food. If I’d only hang on his every word and worship him adoringly every minute of every day. Well of course he got angry! If only you didn’t breath so loud; if only you didn’t stand where his fist was swinging. IME, an abuser will eventually descend to the point where simply existing will make you a target - absent some kind of intervention. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2017, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717/53 "2017-04-19T16:12:06Z")
Update: The couple’s reappearance at court happened yesterday. The husband claimed to have had difficulty finding anger management treatment (maybe true, maybe not) and was told to try some more and if he provided proof of completing same the charges would go away. Wife was asked if she wanted to press charges and she declined to do so. She is not required to get treatment of any kind nor is she required to appear in court again. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ignoring-court-ordered-anger-management-what-happens/784717.md?page=2)