# I'll bet you would drive better with that cell phone up your ass. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 16, 2012, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834 "2012-09-16T00:46:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/121 "2012-09-20T14:39:22Z")
> [@Seanette](#): > > Sorry about the frivolity of the claim against you (and hope it didn’t work), but I can’t help snickering thinking about how hubby must have felt about wife’s comment about not caring much for sex. 😃 Wait, they were sometimes having it twice a _week_? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/122 "2012-09-20T16:11:42Z")
If the wife is no longer interested in sex, and the husband wants half a million for loss of consortium, the insurance company should have its actuaries figure out how many times he would have expected to poke his wife for the remander of their relationship (after factoring in the divorce rate), calculate the going rate for “girlfriend experience” hookers, multiply the two and determine the present value, and then pay the hookers directly from that fund when he uses them, until the fund runs out, the same way medical and repair claims are paid. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/123 "2012-09-20T16:31:44Z")
> [@BigAppleBucky](#): > > Is that outlawed in all states now? No. In my state, a ban has been introduced in the state legislature each of the last 3 years and each time it was struck down. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/124 "2012-09-20T16:37:48Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > \ > I am having unholy amounts of glee every time I imagine that stupid bint and her husband discussing their lawsuit. > > They totally deserve the heartstopping fear that she put into me and that poor guy who almost ran me over. \ No kidding. I guess it’s too much to hope that she will someday understand that she needs to take driving seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/125 "2012-09-20T16:40:52Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > I’m not allowed to discuss any details in any online way about the case anymore. My pitbull was very clear about that, which saddens me. There is going to be so much entertaining stuff happening. Then, for the sake of the SDMB, you must keep a diary and report back when all is said and done. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/126 "2012-09-20T16:42:06Z")
> [@Kimballkid](#): > > Then, for the sake of the SDMB, you must keep a diary and report back when all is said and done. Oh yes! Most definitely. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/127 "2012-09-20T16:48:44Z")
> [@Kimballkid](#): > > Then, for the sake of the SDMB, you must keep a diary and report back when all is said and done. Right. And remember, sign NO gag orders. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/128 "2012-09-20T17:09:07Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > If the wife is no longer interested in sex, and the husband wants half a million for loss of consortium, the insurance company should have its actuaries figure out how many times he would have expected to poke his wife for the remander of their relationship (after factoring in the divorce rate), calculate the going rate for “girlfriend experience” hookers, multiply the two and determine the present value, and then pay the hookers directly from that fund when he uses them, until the fund runs out, the same way medical and repair claims are paid. My goodness; I like the way you think. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/129 "2012-09-20T22:21:54Z")
> [@Student\_Driver](#): > > Another person chiming in on the “sue her for so much that she can’t afford an SUV or phone” bandwagon. And another person disappointed that you can’t shoot people for being stupid. ☹ There go my plans. > > My city has recently begun cramming bicycle lanes onto public roads without doing any work to widen the roads themselves. They’re just narrowing the car lanes, and the bike lanes haphazardly start and stop as medians, intersections, and turn lanes are encountered. Poor bike lane design combined with the increasingly bad driving I see from cell phone users (texts, push notifications, and social media apps all exacerbate the problem; now someone’s not just blabbing on a phone, but they’re routinely taking their eyes off the road to read or type) make me afraid that sometime I’m going to see a bicyclist taken out right in front of my eyes. Even a clipping that could be mild for a motorcyclist in riding leather could seriously injure or kill someone on a bicycle. Same thing here. Apparently they are getting Federal funding for this boondoggle. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/130 "2012-09-21T15:22:46Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > If the wife is no longer interested in sex, and the husband wants half a million for loss of consortium, the insurance company should have its actuaries figure out how many times he would have expected to poke his wife for the remander of their relationship (after factoring in the divorce rate), calculate the going rate for “girlfriend experience” hookers, multiply the two and determine the present value, and then pay the hookers directly from that fund when he uses them, until the fund runs out, the same way medical and repair claims are paid. But do they also pay for the divorce and the alimony? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/131 "2012-09-21T17:18:36Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > But do they also pay for the divorce and the alimony? That’s one heck of a good question. Yes, the divorce fees and part of the alimony would be built into the damages if the court thought it not too remote, but more of interest would be whether the award would from part of the husband’s net family property for equalization purposes (division of family property). Where I am (ymmv) damages usually from part of the NFP, but if they are for pain and suffering, they are excluded from the NFP. For the wife to force the hubby to include the award in the property that they would split, the wife would have to convince the court that the award was not for his suffering from lack of sex with her. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/132 "2012-09-21T18:58:17Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > That’s one heck of a good question. Yes, the divorce fees and part of the alimony would be built into the damages if the court thought it not too remote, but more of interest would be whether the award would from part of the husband’s net family property for equalization purposes (division of family property). Where I am (ymmv) damages usually from part of the NFP, but if they are for pain and suffering, they are excluded from the NFP. For the wife to force the hubby to include the award in the property that they would split, the wife would have to convince the court that the award was not for his suffering from lack of sex with her. No, I was thinking that making provision for hookers when his wife didn’t want sex any more was all well and good, but the wife would still have the right to decide she was going to be sore about the hookers, under the principle known as _canis in praesepio_ if my Latin’s up to snuff. My earlier post may have been unclear. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/133 "2012-09-22T01:45:30Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > And I volunteer to shove it so far up your ass that you can dial with your tongue. I think “text with your tongue” has a better ring to it though. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/134 "2012-09-22T05:02:19Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > I think “text with your tongue” has a better ring to it though. You are so right! Texting drivers are even worse than talking drivers. I did have an entertaining moment yesterday. I got to watch someone who was walking and texting walk right into a lamppost. I’ve seen funny videos of that happening, but never got to witness it myself. I also saw the guy walking his geese. A big guy wearing a tophat with 2 geese on leashes. I’ve seen them 4 or 5 times. Once I saw a very nice looking guy hitchhiking. On a downtown sidewalk. He was wearing a confident smile and a towel. There are already so many distractions on the road and many people don’t understand how they can ruin lives by not paying attention to their driving. Bill is here tonight. I think I need to ask my lawyer to put some loss of sex money into my claim, because I no longer look like a smerf. Now I look like Rainbow Bright and that scared Bill so much that he took himself off to the recliner and fainted. ---
**Author:** ![Enkel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/df705f/32.png) [@Enkel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enkel)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/135 "2012-09-24T00:29:51Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Wow. > > Have you ever seen _Tin Men_? Had to look it up, haven’t seen it. But I actually felt sorry for the woman at the time because (a) her car was REALLY SMASHED in and (b) I had no idea of how much pain I would be in the next morning. Flatlined - I love that the woman and her husband will be thinking about having to pay (through insurance / increased rates) for your lack of sex life. Be sure to get new photos of the Rainbow Bright version, especially since it scared the bejeebies out of your SO. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2012, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/136 "2012-09-24T03:46:02Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > You are so right! Texting drivers are even worse than talking drivers. > > I did have an entertaining moment yesterday. I got to watch someone who was walking and texting walk right into a lamppost. I’ve seen funny videos of that happening, but never got to witness it myself.\ I got to see that just this summer, too - a guy walking in front of me was texting and just walked right into a pole - knocked the phone right out of his hand. I tried not to laugh at him too obviously. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2012, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/137 "2012-09-24T03:57:26Z")
Waaaay back in the 70s, my grandfather was driving me to school. Grandpa was, among other things, a lecherous old goat and I got to be his passenger when he was ogling a young woman in tight revealing clothing as he drove into a telephone pole. I shudder to think what he could have done if he’d had access to our technology today. There was only minor damage to the car, and no damage to any person. Unless you count Grandpa’s dignity. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2012, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/138 "2012-09-24T12:04:13Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > Once I saw a very nice looking guy hitchhiking. On a downtown sidewalk. He was wearing a confident smile and a towel. It wasn’t on the 25th of May was it? ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2012, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/139 "2012-09-24T12:31:22Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I got to see that just this summer, too - a guy walking in front of me was texting and just walked right into a pole - knocked the phone right out of his hand. I tried not to laugh at him too obviously. 😃 When I was a teenager, one of my girlfriends did this quite often. Pre-cell phone days, though she did have a pager. She was usually preoccupied with talking to me, or people watching, seriously affecting her awareness of her surroundings. It was really hard not to laugh when she’d walk straight into a free standing Coke machine, or hit a door jamb when entering a building. Virtually every outing, something like that would happen. Slam into a wall, sit down in non-existent chairs, walk into traffic, etc. I got used to holding her hand when we were out, steering her away from things or yanking her to a sudden stop. We’re still friends, and recently got together for the first time in a good decade. Imagine my utter fear when she climbed into the driver’s seat of her giant SUV, started driving, then immediately puled out her cell phone to text and Facebook. :eek: > [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Waaaay back in the 70s, my grandfather was driving me to school. Grandpa was, among other things, a lecherous old goat and I got to be his passenger when he was ogling a young woman in tight revealing clothing as he drove into a telephone pole. I shudder to think what he could have done if he’d had access to our technology today. > > There was only minor damage to the car, and no damage to any person. Unless you count Grandpa’s dignity. I’ve twice seen accidents occur because of women in skimpy bathing suits advertising for charity car washes. The kind of thing where they stand out in the median holding posterboards and yelling at folks stopped in turn lanes. Driver passes by, ogles, then slams into the line of people patiently waiting at a stop light. I think the charities involved should try a dent removal fundraiser, and use those same techniques. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2012, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834/140 "2012-09-24T20:16:57Z")
> [@Student\_Driver](#): > > \ Imagine my utter fear when she climbed into the driver’s seat of her giant SUV, started driving, then immediately puled out her cell phone to text and Facebook. :eek:\ Oh dear God! I feel terrified for you as her passenger, and for the rest of the world as her potential victims. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ill-bet-you-would-drive-better-with-that-cell-phone-up-your-ass/634834.md?page=8)