# I'm 32 years old and I have a bully. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 7, 2006, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156 "2006-12-07T00:52:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/21 "2006-12-07T03:56:09Z")
I think it’s more two differing situations. If you look, more than one person (myself among them) has suggested the OP in this thread stand up for himself, but _also_ go to authority to deal with the matter. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/22 "2006-12-07T04:34:21Z")
[QUOTE=Zabali\_Clawbane] I think it’s more two differing situations. If you look, more than one person (myself among them) has suggested the OP in this thread stand up for himself, but _also_ go to authority to deal with the matter. 😉 [/QUOTE] It takes both. In my experience one of the questions that HR will ask is something like “Have you told the person to stop?” That’s not because they are looking for a way to ignore the problem but rather because it’s a more cut-and-dry situation - Person A has told Person B that B’s behavior is unwanted. B has continued to act that way towards A. B is now unable to say “Well A never said they were upset”. It doesn’t take a complicated conversation with B, as a matter of fact this is the time to use the “nickel words” so that there is no possible misunderstanding - “Your behavior is unprofessional and unwanted. Stop it.” Period. That’s standing up for yourself. You then also need to document that you’ve had that little talk so that if the problem continues and you go to HR, HR knows that you’ve made it clear that it wasn’t a “little misunderstanding”. FWIW I have given this same advice to both men and women, who were having problems with both men and women. I’ve also had to take my own advice. ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/23 "2006-12-07T04:49:08Z")
Once you let someone walk all over you, they are inclined to do it again. You need to stop taking his shit immediately. ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/24 "2006-12-07T04:53:43Z")
[QUOTE=Chotii] Is it a difference of who-all is answering the question? Or is it a general expectation or observation, that “women want to appeal to authority” but “men deal with their problems themselves”? [/QUOTE] I think the difference is who’s doing the bullying. Male bullies tend to play a pretty overt and blatant form of the game, so countering with direct action is playing into their hands. _Confronting_ them is not playing into their hands – **Phantom Dennis’s** suggestion is particularly useful. The phrase “I’m not going to put up with your bullshit anymore” is lightning in a bottle. Attaching an appeal to authority (that is: you know I’m right, and you know I’ll win) is powerful only because the bully knows that his conduct is egregious. If a woman is doing the bullying, it tends to be subtle covert back-stabbing type drama, emotional abuse, and behaviors that don’t ever _quite_ add up to something they could be dismissed for. Only the most astute male supervisor will recognize what’s going on and come down on it – and that’s the environment where it flourishes. In that case an appeal to authority is useless, because the bully understands that her conduct might not actually break any rules. Sometimes one well-executed confrontation is all it takes. A short lesson: my first office was a male-heavy environment, and cubicle pranks were _de rigeur_. I loathe the fratboy atmosphere, but aside from that quirk, everyone in the office was very nice. I noticed after about two months there that one of the women in the office seemed to receive more than her share of the pranks, because she always (a) reacted in an amusing way, and (b) never retaliated. In the meantime, my co-worker had never even had her paperweight moved. I dreamed up a great prank, and went over to one of the more aggressive pranksters, and said, “Hey, you’ve been pretty rough on Alice. Let’s try this one on Charlie, or Beth.” You could have heard a pin drop. He said to me, “Do you know what Beth does for a living?” I said, “Yeah, she’s my mentor - we work ICBMs together.” He says, “Well, figure it out, Rocket Man. All I’m going to say is, she understands nuclear deterrence. NOBODY pranks Beth’s desk. Nobody.” Honest to God, the man was _terrified_. If you never want to have to deal with bullshit from your co-workers, all you have to do is figure out what the hell Beth did to the first person who pranked her cube. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/25 "2006-12-07T05:20:25Z")
[QUOTE=Jurph] If a woman is doing the bullying, it tends to be subtle covert back-stabbing type drama, emotional abuse, and behaviors that don’t ever _quite_ add up to something they could be dismissed for. Only the most astute male supervisor will recognize what’s going on and come down on it – and that’s the environment where it flourishes. In that case an appeal to authority is useless, because the bully understands that her conduct might not actually break any rules. [/QUOTE] …which is exactly the issue I’m still facing with my [Ignorant Irritating Coworker](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=387654)) In my case only one male manager was able to rein her in. He terrified all of us, myself included. Unforunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) he was transferred to another store when it dawned on the higher-ups that he was perhaps a bit too bullyish himself. Never mind it took them almost 5 years, but I think that’s because his straight managerial skills outshone his interpersonal skills. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/26 "2006-12-07T05:27:16Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] Stand up for yourself next time. Tell him to shut the fuck up. He’ll stop bothering you quickly. [/QUOTE] Agreed. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/27 "2006-12-07T05:35:07Z")
In my opinion, **Charger** , your first mistake was accepting a demotion to a worker who is almost four years your junior (how long he’s worked at the company is all that matters - chronological age has nothing to do with it) who was not hired as your supervisor (assuming that he was not). That was the point when you needed to talk with your manager and say something along the lines of, “I’ve been here four years, he’s been here three months; are you so unhappy with my work that you are willing to demote me to work under him?” If your company was not willing to listen to you, that was the time to dust off your resume. Your company disrespected you on that issue, and it isn’t a big surprise that the bully took that to mean that it’s open season on you because you won’t stand up for yourself. Honestly, I don’t know what future you have with this particular company. They disrespect you, your co-worker disrespects you, they allow your co-worker to disrespect you, and it doesn’t seem likely that you will be able to change things around after allowing it to get this far. You’re not a scrawny middle-school kid any more; you’re a 32 year old man, who has every right to demand proper treatment from everyone around him, and to find a better situation if there is no working with this one. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/28 "2006-12-07T13:05:44Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] Lately, however, it seems that he enjoys being rather territorial. He has always been hot-tempered, and cry-baby-ish, but now he’s down to hurling insults. It’s a bunch of macho bullshit. I look at it as a gorilla-in-heat kind of thing, and he has resorted to belittling me as much as he can (the flinging of feces is probably the next step). I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be the scrawny kid in a middle school locker room getting snapped with wet towels, but now I remember. It seems the Alpha Male has decided to pick on the runt of the litter and has resorted to insults (in the form of telling my that my car overheated this summer due to “ignorance,” and I wanted to say “dude, you weren’t even there.”) He makes fun of the car I drive, the music I listen to, the TV shows I like, etc. The point is, he is a juvenile ass, and people like him should be getting fired by people like me. [/QUOTE] Making fun of your car, your shows, your music? Saying your car overheated due to ignorance? That sounds like me, and _everyone_ I work with. It’s called breaking balls, and I thought it was the national pasttime. He probably thinks you’re his buddy. Like you said. . .when he said, “if you left it there, I was going to have to kill you”. You took it right. Not as a thread, but as juvenile. There’s no law against being juvenile. That’s why your boss laughed at you when you reported it. None of the actual examples you give sound like real bullying and intimidation, or like he’s out to get you. They sound like a guy who is just a bit macho. Believe me, there are work places where everyone is like that. Consider yourself lucky there’s only one where you work. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/29 "2006-12-07T16:06:51Z")
[QUOTE=Trunk] Making fun of your car, your shows, your music? Saying your car overheated due to ignorance? That sounds like me, and _everyone_ I work with. It’s called breaking balls, and I thought it was the national pasttime. He probably thinks you’re his buddy. Like you said. . .when he said, “if you left it there, I was going to have to kill you”. You took it right. Not as a thread, but as juvenile. There’s no law against being juvenile. That’s why your boss laughed at you when you reported it. None of the actual examples you give sound like real bullying and intimidation, or like he’s out to get you. They sound like a guy who is just a bit macho. Believe me, there are work places where everyone is like that. Consider yourself lucky there’s only one where you work. [/QUOTE] I think there’s more there than just simply ball-breaking, **Trunk**. The OP stated that this particular coworker also disrespects the OP’s supervisory position. That in itself is enough for the OP to lodge a formal complaint to HR. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/30 "2006-12-07T16:12:43Z")
[QUOTE=kiz] I think there’s more there than just simply ball-breaking, **Trunk**. The OP stated that this particular coworker also disrespects the OP’s supervisory position. That in itself is enough for the OP to lodge a formal complaint to HR. [/QUOTE] This coworker is in a supervisory position OVER the OP. It’s one of the things that upset the OP. Of course the OP believes he is more deserving of that position than the guy who has it. All workers everywhere think that. ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/31 "2006-12-07T16:21:00Z")
So far this week, I’ve been ignoring him, and he’s reciprocated by ignoring me. I haven’t heard so much as “good morning” from him, and it’s been fantastic. Just to clarify, he was promoted a few months after he started, which is just over a year from when I started. I’ve worked there nearly four years, he has worked there nearly three. Also, it’s a small company, there is no HR. On thing that bothers me is that he is the guy that people go to with questions and I often see the wrong answers being given. If I make any attempt to correct that, he goes into territorial gorilla mode and tries to make me feel stupid. I think one of the reasons he doesn’t like me is that I have a college degree and he does not. So he likes to remind me of how having an education doesn’t make me smarter. So, with the frequency of bad decisions coupled with the lack of college degree, I am still offended that he got the promotion over me. That, coupled with the boss’ lack of interest in doing something about the problem tell me it’s time to move on. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/32 "2006-12-07T17:08:50Z")
Well, you can talk to the boss again, and state “I’m filing a complaint” and then if nothing gets done then you can find a lawyer. Otherwise, continue ignoring the guy and find another job. From this > [@](#): > > Just to clarify, he was promoted a few months after he started, which is just over a year from when I started. I’ve worked there nearly four years, he has worked there nearly three. it’s obvious you’re not appreciated. Time to move on. ---
**Author:** ![jakeline](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@jakeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jakeline)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/33 "2006-12-07T18:22:31Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] Just to clarify, he was promoted a few months after he started, which is just over a year from when I started. I’ve worked there nearly four years, he has worked there nearly three. Also, it’s a small company, there is no HR. [/QUOTE] So, if I have the timeline right, he’s been your boss for about 2 1/2 years at this point, and he’s just recently become obnoxious and all territorial. First off, he was promoted over you a long time ago. It’s long, LONG past the time for you to have gotten some closure on this. Secondly, why have the personal insults just started recently? You say that he’s always been a tool, so what changed? Why has he started picking on you only recently? If this was me, I would be cordial as hell and document everything. (If nothing else, the documentation would give me an outlet to vent frustration.) Conversation would be all business and only business, but if he insulted me in the course of the conversation, I would ask him why he would say such a thing or maybe ask him to explain his comment. Any comment not directed specifically to me would get completely ignored. **Valgard** has it 100% correct: staying calm and collected while someone else makes a fool out of themselves is deeply and personally satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/34 "2006-12-07T18:47:37Z")
[QUOTE=ivylass] Otherwise, continue ignoring the guy and find another job. From this it’s obvious you’re not appreciated. Time to move on. [/QUOTE] I have to chirp in here. Everybody has been talking about HR and filing complaints, etc. My impression from the beginning was he was in a small shop (and by coincidence, I’ve had a few jobs in the printing industry, so I can possibly relate). Small shops can change dynamics very quickly sometimes. I’d say: just do your job there until you find something better. Hostile work environments (perceived or real) aren’t worth the trouble. Your mileage may vary depending on how hard you want to keep your present job. ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/35 "2006-12-07T19:09:04Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] I think one of the reasons he doesn’t like me is that I have a college degree and he does not. So he likes to remind me of how having an education doesn’t make me smarter. [/QUOTE] You know that this means your next job must use your degree and pay more money. Be certain to point this out to him on the day you quit. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/36 "2006-12-07T19:41:07Z")
[QUOTE=Dag Otto] You know that this means your next job must use your degree and pay more money. Be certain to point this out to him on the day you quit. [/QUOTE] Yeah, be sure to be petty and small, and choose the day you’re leaving to actually finally confront the guy. Not that it surprises me that this thread is filled with “tribe think” but our OP sounds a lot like Melvin (or whatever his name was) in Office Space. . .muttering things under his breath about what he’s going to do to people. It’s not obvious that the OP is unappreciated. What’s obvious is that he can’t stand conflict or confrontation. He says he’s been “demoted”. Demoted? A decrease in title? In pay? Or just in his own mind because another male was introduced into the environment? About his car, he was too afraid to say “dude, you weren’t even there.” Not too afraid to say “fuck off and go to hell” but too afraid to say “dude, you weren’t even there.” And then he claims that people like the bully should be fired by people like him. Well, how is that scenario ever going to play out if you can’t say “dude, you weren’t even there”? Bully probably got the promotion because he knows how to talk to others and stand up to others; believe it or not, in many scenarios, this might be a better job qualification than the OP’s college degree. I don’t think neaderthals are typically useful in the work place, but the OP sounds like he completely rolled over in the face of a guy who just has a frat boy mentality. There’s way worse people out there. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/37 "2006-12-07T19:46:38Z")
Including fucking with the guy’s computer, **Trunk**? ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/38 "2006-12-07T20:01:17Z")
[QUOTE=Guinastasia] Including fucking with the guy’s computer, **Trunk**? [/QUOTE] What’s that even mean. . .“sometimes he fucks with the computers”. So do we. One guy wrote an app once and installed it on another guys computer to make his CD drawer pop open every time he tried to launch something else. We fuck with each other’s phones. We’ve changed screen savers when a guy leaves his machine unattended. What do you think he’s doing, putting razor blades between the keys? ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/39 "2006-12-07T20:26:26Z")
[QUOTE=Trunk] What’s that even mean. . .“sometimes he fucks with the computers”. So do we. One guy wrote an app once and installed it on another guys computer to make his CD drawer pop open every time he tried to launch something else. We fuck with each other’s phones. We’ve changed screen savers when a guy leaves his machine unattended. What do you think he’s doing, putting razor blades between the keys? [/QUOTE] I commend you for your productive behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2006, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/40 "2006-12-07T20:26:48Z")
[QUOTE=Trunk] One guy wrote an app once and installed it on another guys computer to make his CD drawer pop open every time he tried to launch something else. We fuck with each other’s phones. We’ve changed screen savers when a guy leaves his machine unattended. [/QUOTE] And you have a beef with being petty and small? Right. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156.md?page=3)