# I'm 32 years old and I have a bully. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 7, 2006, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156 "2006-12-07T00:52:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2006, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/61 "2006-12-09T14:05:50Z")
> [@](#): > > **Jurph** said: > He says, “Well, figure it out, Rocket Man. All I’m going to say is, she understands nuclear deterrence. NOBODY pranks Beth’s desk. Nobody.” Honest to God, the man was terrified. If you never want to have to deal with bullshit from your co-workers, all you have to do is figure out what the hell Beth did to the first person who pranked her cube. > [@](#): > > **Trunk** said: > What’s that even mean. . .“sometimes he fucks with the computers”. > > So do we. > > One guy wrote an app once and installed it on another guys computer to make his CD drawer pop open every time he tried to launch something else. > > We fuck with each other’s phones. > > We’ve changed screen savers when a guy leaves his machine unattended. > > What do you think he’s doing, putting razor blades between the keys? Sounds a lot like my new job. Things sail over the walls, Rubber band fights are the norm. Leaving your computer unlocked is an invitation to have your screen saver, home page, and wallpaper changed to something disgusting or disturbing. Going on vacation means your cube will be pranked. Finding out who the ringleader is appears to be mandatory and retaliation is encouraged. Group participation in cube pranks is almost always the rule, and no one is immune. The general manager of the office participates in and encourages pranks. Ball-breaking is an every day way of life for the office. It’s juvenile. It’s unprofessional. It’s the kind of stuff 12 year-olds would do. And after beating your brains out for hours trying to fix some obscure bug in the code because your deadline is in two days and your project manager is an ass, and you just have to unwind, it’s just right. I’d hate it for some wet blanket to show up and spoil the fun for the rest of the office. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2006, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/62 "2006-12-09T15:02:08Z")
[QUOTE=catsix] It’s juvenile. It’s unprofessional. It’s the kind of stuff 12 year-olds would do. And after beating your brains out for hours trying to fix some obscure bug in the code because your deadline is in two days and your project manager is an ass, and you just have to unwind, it’s just right. [/QUOTE] That’s true, but there’s a fine line between everyday pranking and deliberately attacking someone. The OP’s bully teeters on that line, at least from how I’m reading it. ---
**Author:** ![Chotii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2006, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/63 "2006-12-09T17:56:08Z")
[QUOTE=kiz] That’s true, but there’s a fine line between everyday pranking and deliberately attacking someone. The OP’s bully teeters on that line, at least from how I’m reading it. [/QUOTE] And there’s this question, given that people have different ideas of what is “fun”. Suppose you had an absolutely crack programmer come to your office, **catsix** , but his or her idea of relaxation meant being left alone to listen to…Beethove, Mozart or Liszt. If s/he asked to be left out of the pranks, if s/he took them as attacks, or felt threatened by them, or annoyed, or felt they were juvenile and did NOT want to participate…would this failure to conform to the office mode of relaxation make him a ‘wet blanket’? It’s possible that a job interview might ask about how one views such sport, but it doesn’t seem likely that it would be legal to fail to hire a qualified individual based on such a thing. I worked for a while in a dog grooming shop, and the woman whose job it was to bathe the dogs had this practical-joker personality. The more she tried to get a rise out of me, the more it felt like hostility. When I retreated, still doing my work well, behind a tape player and a pair of earphones, the woman escalated to open mocking and insulting, with ceaseless sexual overtones and - yes - the owner told me I ought to “just loosen up”. (Mind you, she also told me that my steadily-worsening RSI (carpal tunnel problems) were “just groomer’s hands”, and I ought to just ignore it and get back to work. When I quit for the sake of my hands, she fought L&I until I gave up and simply moved on for the sake of my peace of mind.) I can look back and see (maybe) why the bather acted like that. But it made my workday hellish and the opposite of fun, for me. I’m sure SHE was having loads of fun. :rolleyes: I find it quite unfair that possessing a different sense of humor, or preferences in relaxation, is to be deemed a ‘wet blanket’ in the work place. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2006, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/64 "2006-12-09T18:17:17Z")
[QUOTE=Chotii] I find it quite unfair that possessing a different sense of humor, or preferences in relaxation, is to be deemed a ‘wet blanket’ in the work place. [/QUOTE] There’s also something to be said for _in the way_ the pranking’s done. I’m going to use my department as an example: We’ve got a couple of individuals who come across _vocally_ as mean-spirited when they start pranking. One of them has no “joking” type of inflection in her voice, so, at first sound, you’d think she is being nasty just for the sake of it. Once you know her, then you’d discover that she’s only pranking. Whether it’s an auditory issue or a perception issue as to why her voice can’t inflect a joking stance, I don’t know. However, she manages to drive away a lot of people with her voice alone. She wonders why. We try to explain, but she just doesn’t “see” it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2006, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/65 "2006-12-09T19:15:51Z")
[QUOTE=kiz] T\I’m going to use my department as an example: We’ve got a couple of individuals who come across _vocally_ as mean-spirited when they start pranking. One of them has no “joking” type of inflection in her voice, so, at first sound, you’d think she is being nasty just for the sake of it. Once you know her, then you’d discover that she’s only pranking. \ [/QUOTE] That’s like me - when I’m teasing someone, I’m absolutely deadpan. I know about it, though, and do it on purpose. I’m also clued-in to whether people are getting and appreciating the joke, too (well, usually. I’m sure there are people in the world who don’t know I have a sense of humour and think I’m a stone bitch.) I do adjust my teasing to the audience; there are people at my work that I tease mercilessly, and they give back as good as they get. There are others that I only have normal conversations with, because they just don’t get teasing. Teasing someone who doesn’t get it or like it is mean. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2006, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/66 "2006-12-09T23:07:47Z")
[QUOTE=Trunk] Making fun of your car, your shows, your music? Saying your car overheated due to ignorance? That sounds like me, and _everyone_ I work with. It’s called breaking balls, and I thought it was the national pasttime. He probably thinks you’re his buddy. [/QUOTE] We should all be so lucky to have such friends. :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > None of the actual examples you give sound like real bullying and intimidation, or like he’s out to get you. They sound like a guy who is just a bit macho. Believe me, there are work places where everyone is like that. Where? Viking longboats? The Mafia? There is such a thing as professional behavior, and “acting macho” is not part of it. Machismo of this type is just a mask for insecurity. Work places where “everyone” is like that are dysfunctional. They are also probably inefficient, because a _lot_ of intelligent, otherwise-qualified people. including nearly all women, try to get the hell out of these environments a.s.a.p. Witness the OP, who has more experience than his supervisor but is bailing rather than deal with this bullshit. The fact the higher-ups can’t see this merely confirms a certain level of managerial incompetence at this place. As someone who has worked in environments like this–and detested them–I believe that any environment that gives supervisors carte blanche to abuse subordinates and claim they were “only joking” is pretty pathetic, and subtly hostile to those of us who have matured since high school. ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/67 "2006-12-10T03:05:17Z")
[QUOTE=Lizard] They are also probably inefficient, because a _lot_ of intelligent, otherwise-qualified people. including nearly all women, try to get the hell out of these environments a.s.a.p. Witness the OP, who has more experience than his supervisor but is bailing rather than deal with this bullshit. [/QUOTE] The issue of gender as applied to this situation intrigues me. It is interesting how some say it’s just harmless playfulness, but if the genders were changed, the scenario is viewed very differently. I honestly think one of the reasons the bully targets me is that he sees me as weak or feminine because I don’t engage in his game of cockfighting. He has told me on occasion that I was “meek,” and that it was a bad thing. I consider myself courteous, and I do what I can to help out my coworkers, but that’s what makes me seem girly in his eyes (maybe if I get all pissy and fighty like him, he will call me “catty” or “bitchy”). To which I say… [valley girl] WHAT–EVERRR! [/valley girl] If I were a woman, I’d have a legal issue on my hands (which is why I hope my replacement is a woman, if only to keep his behavior in check). When I spoke with my boss about this a few weeks ago, I mentioned the racial slurs and I ended with “Let’s add ‘respect women’ to the list.” There is a lot of “guy talk” that goes on that I find disrespectful toward women. While I understand that that is very much the norm in an all-male environment, I don’t participate as it’s just not my thing. Perhaps my empathy somehow outweighs my Y chromosome, but the heart of this issue is not how sensitive I am, it really is about how efficient the workplace is. And if I have to stop work every few hours to shit into my hand and fling it at the rest of the monkeys, then we’re just not going to keep our customers happy. ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/68 "2006-12-10T13:03:54Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] “Good. Because if you were going to keep it there, I was gonna kill ya.” When I told my boss this, he just chuckled. It wasn’t that I took the threat seriously, but I used it to demonstrate the level of juvenile assholery. [/QUOTE] I’ve heard lots of talk about keeping a journal, but all that is is your word against his. Get yourself a digital recorder and every time this guy is around you activate it. Download the juicy bits. And when you have enough evidence present it to management. That way it isn’t your word against his, it is his word against himself. “Boss, listen to this. Here is says he is going to kill me. Here he says I’m a wiener. Oh, and here he says something about your wiener, or lack thereof”. And if you can catch him saying stupid things to customers, so much the better. Uh, make sure you’re prepared to leave the company, voluntarily or not, if you do this, though. ---
**Author:** ![FRDE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e68b1a/32.png) [@FRDE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FRDE)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/69 "2006-12-10T15:00:04Z")
It sounds like a small company with the OP doing a job, then an internal transfer of an existing employee to boost the OP’s function. @Charger, the guy is afraid of you, he probably feels insecure. Your best bet is to move on, you could probably get rid of the a/sehole, but 32 is a good age to keep moving. I also don’t agree about the ‘shop floor’ behaviour, whenever people are rude to each other, it is very clear what their motives are. If you don’t like it, then you can be sure they are malign. The main reason for you moving on is that your ueber bosses are obviously jerks, otherwise they would already know what is going on … and have fixed it. @Jimm - sounds like you are working for a sensible company - your CEO must be quite bright, it often takes people a lot more than 10 minutes to change their mind. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/70 "2006-12-10T16:43:24Z")
[QUOTE=Chotii] I’ll agree with you, if you’ll concede that one of the personalities involved is an abusive personality. The behavior is inappropriate, and the OP’s protagonist either doesn’t realise it, in which case he’s a socially inept yutz, or he does know it, and he’s acting like a jerk on purpose, in which case he’s something unprintable in this particular board, and belongs in the Pit. [/QUOTE] Unless the OP clearly communicates his discomfort with the protagonist, there’s no way of knowing which category the protagonist falls under. And, IMO, there’s a world of difference between the two. I don’t believe, generally speaking, you should proceed to Step 2 - "Notify management/HR: until you’ve completed Step 1 - “Communicate your discomfort with the other party.” “John, you’ve been deriding my choice of music for weeks now. I get that you don’t like it and your comments are starting to get under my skin. Can you please give it a rest already?” Or, if he wanted a paper trail, send it via an e-mail, “John, You may not realize it, but your constant commentary about my clothes, my music, etc. ceased being funny to me several weeks ago. I respectfully request that you quit as it’s negatively affecting our work environment.” If after communicating his discomfort, his manager continued to mock him, THEN I’d fully support going to Step 2. But sulking in silence for months, and then running to HR because his manager failed to pick up on his non-verbal cues, is unfair. You cannot expect people to understand how you feel by simply projecting a mood and hoping they’ll connect the dots. Communicate. It doesn’t have to be confrontational and it doesn’t have to be ugly. And it can mean the difference between a pleasant work environment and an unpleasant one. For pete’s sake, quit being a doormat and speak up. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/71 "2006-12-10T18:26:47Z")
Every office is different, too. While pranks and childlike antics may be great in some places, in others, they don’t work at all. KNOW your audience. And don’t try to hassle someone who isn’t interested. (But for godsakes, **Charger** , stand up for yourself already!) ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/72 "2006-12-10T21:42:13Z")
Does this not qualify as standing up _and_ making it clear that this behavior is not welcome? [QUOTE=Charger] Today he confronted me on my silence towards him. He said “I don’t like this ‘no communication’ thing.” I said, “I’ve been enjoying it.” He said, “But you’re being a dick.” I said, “The reason I like it is because if you’re not talking, you can’t be a dick to me.” He said, “We still have to work together, you know.” I said, “Well, we can talk about work as needed. Do you have anything work-related to say to me?” “No.” So I turned around and went back to work. [/QUOTE] As it was, I still received retaliation. And I am of the opinion that “FUCK YOU, NUMBNUTS” is the type of response my comments would have evoked in someone much younger than 42 years of age. That was a middle school phrase, replacing the grammar school “nyaaah, nyaah, naa-naa, nyaah, nyaah!” ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/73 "2006-12-10T22:42:51Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] Today he confronted me on my silence towards him. He said “I don’t like this ‘no communication’ thing.” I said, “I’ve been enjoying it.” He said, “But you’re being a dick.” I said, “The reason I like it is because if you’re not talking, you can’t be a dick to me.” He said, “We still have to work together, you know.” I said, “Well, we can talk about work as needed. Do you have anything work-related to say to me?” “No.” So I turned around and went back to work. I caught a glimpse of him rolling his eyes in frustration. A few minutes later, I saw my folder on the server had recently been updated. Inside was a new folder he titled “FUCK YOU NUMBNUTS.” He deleted it within a few minutes, but not before I grabbed a screen cap. I applied for a great job this morning, much closer to home, too. I hope I get it. [/QUOTE] Without actually seeing the environment you’re in I can’t comment beyond the obvious. Most offices have a certain amount of interplay. I was actually questioned (warned?) in my interview that practical jokes were not unknown in my department. It’s a little different in a larger company because there are rules for harrassment so it’s pretty mild. There are also going to be personality clashes. My last company I worked at (for 25 years) was like a family and sometimes tempers flared to the point management would intercede. You’ll find that in varying degrees wherever you work. How it affects you depends on how you perceive it. In your case it sounds like obnoxious is this guy’s middle name. By that I mean it’s not aimed at you. You’ll have to stand up for yourself without being a dick about it. So he doesn’t like your car. BFD. That just makes him the king of car coolness. You can shut him up the with same BS banter. “well aren’t we the king of all things automotively cool”. “All hail king Edsel”. “I’ll be sure to consult you on my next purchase” :rolleyes: . If you shovel it back in a good-natured way then his insults will roll off you and they won’t be intimidating to him. These are not complaints you store up for managerial review because you’ll sound like a whining idiot if you do. Canvasshoes has the right idea for documenting work related stupidity and that is to email Mr. Personality for clarification. If it’s something that is costing the company time then you can always bring up the fact that you emailed him for clarification. Finally, if you’re 32 then you have you’re whole life ahead of you. I would look for a better paying job ANYWAY at your age. I’m 48 and lost my job to a merger. I got a new job in the same industry with almost a 40% increase in pay. If I’d known about that years ago I would be way ahead of the game. Good luck with the interview. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2006, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/74 "2006-12-10T22:45:19Z")
“your” whole life ahead of you. Not “you’re”. ---
**Author:** ![brossa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brossa/32/3040_2.png) [@brossa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brossa)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/75 "2006-12-11T00:59:46Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] Today he confronted me on my silence towards him. He said “I don’t like this ‘no communication’ thing.” I said, “I’ve been enjoying it.” He said, “But you’re being a dick.” I said, “The reason I like it is because if you’re not talking, you can’t be a dick to me.” He said, “We still have to work together, you know.” I said, “Well, we can talk about work as needed. Do you have anything work-related to say to me?” “No.” So I turned around and went back to work. I caught a glimpse of him rolling his eyes in frustration. A few minutes later, I saw my folder on the server had recently been updated. Inside was a new folder he titled “FUCK YOU NUMBNUTS.” [/QUOTE] > [@](#): > > Does this not qualify as standing up and making it clear that this behavior is not welcome? I am not defending your coworker’s actions, but your behavior in that first exchange is not above reproach. It does not convey what behaviors of his you find objectionable; it does not tell him to stop them; it does not lay out consequences. It reads as passive-aggressive and pouty to me. This works better: He said “I don’t like this ‘no communication’ thing.” I said, “Well, I find that we rarely have an interaction in which you do not insult me or belittle me in some way. You may think that it’s harmless teasing, but I don’t like it and I don’t have to put up with it.” He said, “But you’re being a dick.” I said, “No, I’m avoiding your threats and insults. And don’t call me a dick, it’s insulting.” He said, “We still have to work together, you know.” I said, "Well, I’ll speak to you about work matters, but I won’t discuss my personal life. I expect you to treat me with respect. If you can’t do that, I’ll report you behavior to our superiors. " ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2006, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/76 "2006-12-11T09:50:56Z")
What a shame, though, if I have to tell someone specifically that calling someone stupid or talking down to them and insulting them is counterproductive. This is one step away from having to tell him not to stick metal objects into electrical outlets every time he’s near one. “My friend, don’t be a jerk,” _should_ suffice, but I do see your point. If I spell it out specifically and clearly, no one can claim that I was trying to rattle his cage. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2006, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/77 "2006-12-11T23:26:54Z")
Well, this guy obviously thinks his behaviour at work is okay, because he’s doing it. I don’t think it would hurt to educate him a little. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2006, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156/78 "2006-12-11T23:44:26Z")
[QUOTE=Charger] What a shame, though, if I have to tell someone specifically that calling someone stupid or talking down to them and insulting them is counterproductive. This is one step away from having to tell him not to stick metal objects into electrical outlets every time he’s near one. [/quote] Oh, you’d be surprised at the things that people have to be educated about. Honestly. Some people are amazingly obtuse. This guy may have NO IDEA that he bugs the shit out of you. So let him know. If he continues, then you have a clear case against him. Here’s an interplay that happened at work today between my previous manager, a guy who’s been at the company for over 25 years, and me, right in front of witnesses: Gary: What is that thing hanging from your key chain? Me: That’s a (nylon case that holds a) CPR mask. (teasingly) They were handed out during the CPR training class that you missed. Gary: You need to wash that thing because it’s filthy. Me: I doubt the dude I’m giving CPR to will mind. Gary: (Grinning) Well, I think I can speak for every man here. I’d rather have your LIPS on me than a mask. Silence. Steve: Gary, that’s like something right out of a sexual harrassment training video. Gary: (Looking shocked) Really? Was that inappropriate? :rolleyes: I swear, I \*live \* The Office. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-32-years-old-and-i-have-a-bully/383156.md?page=3)