# I'm 34, not married, no kids - help me relax about it all! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 17, 2004, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595 "2004-04-17T23:56:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2013, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/61 "2013-04-28T18:16:35Z")
Anyone know what she finally decided? Stainz is still around and posted this month ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2013, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/62 "2013-04-28T19:15:49Z")
She definately babied up at some point, see, e.g, > **[Help us help our toddler sleep better at night?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=402375)** > > Our daughter is 14.5 months old. Since about 6 months of age she consistently woke up 1-2 times per night, and we’d change her diaper, feed her, and she’d nod off to sleep within about 15 minutes or so. At around 12-13 months of age, she started... ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2013, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/63 "2013-04-28T19:25:51Z")
Doing the math it looks like she had the baby around September of 2006 around age 35-36 about a year or two after her post. The kid will be 7 soon. Congrats Stainz! ---
**Author:** ![Stainz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stainz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stainz)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2013, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/64 "2013-04-29T05:21:49Z")
Oh my goodness, what a blast from the past! I stayed with my wonderful, amazing, 5yearsyounger man, and got pregnant (we weren’t trying, but we weren’t NOT trying) in February 2005 and gave birth to a brilliant and beautiful daughter that fall. She is now 7 1/2. Things fell into place for me in just the right way and I feel so lucky. Sorry to gush … 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Stainz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stainz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stainz)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2013, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/65 "2013-04-29T05:26:35Z")
And how the heck did this thread get resurrected anyway? Thank you trigger for your understanding and advice. I am sure things will work out for you the way they are meant to! ---
**Author:** ![tdot\_Boxer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@tdot\_Boxer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdot_Boxer)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2013, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/66 "2013-04-29T23:52:49Z")
> [@Susanann](#): > > No. “Sharing” is WHY we got married(back then)! > Sit yourselves down, talk to your boyfriend, explain clearly and completely all the extra advantages he will gain by switching from living-together to being officially married, and its a piece of cake from there. As a 27 yo male, i only signed up to ask … what are these “extra advantages” you speak off? I would love to know. So far on my list i have [ol] [li]50% Divorce Rate; 80% of the time filed by women, higher by college educated women.[/li][li]Child Support Payments in case of a divorce[/li][li]Alimony Payments (see above)[/li][li]Cost of the “Ring”[/li][li]Cost of the “wedding”[/li][li]Almost no way of verifying paternity w/o causing a sh\*t storm[/li][/ol] ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/67 "2013-04-30T00:42:32Z")
> [@tdot\_Boxer](#): > > As a 27 yo male, i only signed up to ask … what are these “extra advantages” you speak off? > > I would love to know. > > So far on my list i have > > [ol] > [li]50% Divorce Rate; 80% of the time filed by women, higher by college educated women.[/li][li]Child Support Payments in case of a divorce[/li][li]Alimony Payments (see above)[/li][li]Cost of the “Ring”[/li][li]Cost of the “wedding”[/li][li]Almost no way of verifying paternity w/o causing a sh\*t storm[/li][/ol] Without belaboring the obvious CS and paternity issues are going to be an issue whether you are married or not. Alimony payments are fairly rare in middle class marriages these days. Cost of the ring and the wedding can vary hugely and many people, especially those past their mid 20’s often pay for the majority their own nuptials these days as a couple. The last point about divorce is valid to the extent you should exercise some prudence in picking partner. Beyond legal and social acceptance issues (which can be significant) the main “advantage” of marriage vs non-marriage for a man, is that if you are a man who desires a family and a dedicated wife, high quality women with options are not likely to be willing to go down that path without some level of assurance that the man is absolutely dedicated to them and their potential children. Marriage is not a guarantee of this for a woman, but it’s a positive indicator. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2013, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/68 "2013-04-30T00:45:21Z")
I wasn’t originally going to post in this zombie thread, but I’d just like to say, I read the OP and responses with interest, and then I realized that the thread was from 2004, and then I wondered how it had all turned out - and then found out. 🙂 **Stainz** , it looks like things turned out well for you, and I’m glad. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tdot\_Boxer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@tdot\_Boxer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdot_Boxer)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/69 "2013-05-01T00:26:11Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Without belaboring the obvious CS and paternity issues are going to be an issue whether you are married or not. Alimony payments are fairly rare in middle class marriages these days. Cost of the ring and the wedding can vary hugely and many people, especially those past their mid 20’s often pay for the majority their own nuptials these days as a couple. > > The last point about divorce is valid to the extent you should exercise some prudence in picking partner. > > Beyond legal and social acceptance issues (which can be significant) the main “advantage” of marriage vs non-marriage for a man, is that if you are a man who desires a family and a dedicated wife, high quality women with options are not likely to be willing to go down that path without some level of assurance that the man is absolutely dedicated to them and their potential children. Marriage is not a guarantee of this for a woman, but it’s a positive indicator. So we agree, marriage is a draconian institute well past its “best before” date. In the past, women got charity and men got legacy with an heir. But now women don’t need the charity they have “options” and with 8 billion humans already kicking about no one needs a legacy either. I don’t buy the social acceptance argument … last i checked, being a single mother was badge of honour only empowered, strong & independent women wore. Being a life-long bachelor can’t be that bad from a “social acceptance” stand point either. Looking at the stats, i am sure men far smarter then me have exercised prudence when selecting their partner and have failed; why re-invent the wheel. why take on the inevitable headache of marriage or the state-enforced “common-law” The only thing that bother’s me … is a potential “bachelor tax”, which roman empire tried as a last ditch effort to save it self. ah well. ---
**Author:** ![Zjestika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/8edcca/32.png) [@Zjestika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zjestika)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/70 "2013-05-01T00:43:18Z")
Wow, it’s so nice to be reading a thread, realize it’s an ancient zombie and find that it has a super happy update at the end. Warm fuzzies all around! ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/71 "2013-05-01T09:25:08Z")
> [@Knorf](#): > > I’m a single, 34 year old man. I’m not sure whether I want kids–that’s something to be decided with a future spouse–but I do want to get married. > > Having endured the collapse of several long-term relationships that almost but didn’t quite work out, I am now in a position where it is exceedingly unlikely I will meet any single women remotely close to my age. I’m facing permanent bachelorhood, and that sucks ass. I can’t help but agonize over my failed relationships, trying to second-guess myself into wondering whether something I could have done differently might have saved one of them: maybe then I wouldn’t so be alone and depressed. These days, I face this horrible combination of feeling terribly lonely and terribly anti-social, simultaneously. > > To the OP, be grateful you have someone who loves you. Do not take it for granted. Doing without is a real possibility, and it is not fun. Don’t lose hope. I was in your situation, but got married when over 60, despite thinking I’d never meet someone that I could live with ( ultra picky ). Try and give up the continual “looking for the right one” as it won’t help, and in fact will probably drive women away. For some strange reason, women run from “desperate” men, and chase men that don’t need them. I don’t think that men can ever understand women, but that’s a whole other subject. I know it’s hard when you think that you’ll wake up alone for the rest of your life, but there are positive aspects of being single, and all you have to do is try and stop thinking that you are in a bad place and look for the good things about singlehood. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/72 "2013-05-01T09:33:49Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Without belaboring the obvious CS and paternity issues are going to be an issue whether you are married or not. Alimony payments are fairly rare in middle class marriages these days. Cost of the ring and the wedding can vary hugely and many people, especially those past their mid 20’s often pay for the majority their own nuptials these days as a couple. > > The last point about divorce is valid to the extent you should exercise some prudence in picking partner. > > Beyond legal and social acceptance issues (which can be significant) the main “advantage” of marriage vs non-marriage for a man, is that if you are a man who desires a family and a dedicated wife, high quality women with options are not likely to be willing to go down that path without some level of assurance that the man is absolutely dedicated to them and their potential children. Marriage is not a guarantee of this for a woman, but it’s a positive indicator. And how can anyone guarantee that the man is absolutely “dedicated” to them. It’s stupidity like that that is, IMO, the reason for a 50% divorce rate. Judging by advanced societies like Singapore, highly educated women are discarding marriage and children as a must have in life anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/73 "2013-05-01T09:36:31Z")
> [@Doggo](#): > > Don’t lose hope. I was in your situation, but got married when over 60, despite thinking I’d never meet someone that I could live with ( ultra picky ). > Try and give up the continual “looking for the right one” as it won’t help, and in fact will probably drive women away. For some strange reason, women run from “desperate” men, and chase men that don’t need them. I don’t think that men can ever understand women, but that’s a whole other subject. > > I know it’s hard when you think that you’ll wake up alone for the rest of your life, but there are positive aspects of being single, and all you have to do is try and stop thinking that you are in a bad place and look for the good things about singlehood. Just realised that Knorf wrote his response in 2004. Sigh. ---
**Author:** ![fatova\_mingus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b2d939/32.png) [@fatova\_mingus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatova_mingus)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/74 "2013-05-01T10:01:12Z")
Steve Harvey: "Girl. You GOT to get yours. Make him MAN up. If you want him to put a ring on that thing let him know you gonna go see what other men will bring.: And worse rhetoric. Guess what: I’m 45, I am actually very hot, “I can not BELIEVE you are still single!”, I have no kids, never married, shit career (the word career is trying to distance itself from that comment as I type) and have just found the self-confidence to start getting out there after 2 years without sex and more than THAT without intimacy or love or anything that could pass as a relationship even at the least vanilla level. I am your “It Could be Worse” poster child. You’re welcome. Chicklet, tell him you want to get married and have a family and if he doesn’t want that you are going to move on and find a man who does. Just like that. Every woman I know who has put it that clearly without histrionics or manipulations has gotten that man to meet her demands. And without any “let me think about it” nonsense. If you do that at 25 they’ll laugh and go fuck the next girl he can get. In your thirties - even of they are younger - they know you are not working an angle - he has 3 seconds on the shot clock and no one to foul. Win or go home and other bsketball references. Tell him what you want. Don’t be afraid to move on. There are more guys than you think cuz everyone’s marriage ended when the economy collapsed. The market is flooded. I’ll bet you all my psych meds that he will step up if you lay it down calmly and clearly. Remember: they hear our emotional outbursts as 1970’s guitar feedback. ---
**Author:** ![fatova\_mingus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b2d939/32.png) [@fatova\_mingus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatova_mingus)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/75 "2013-05-01T10:18:19Z")
> [@Knorf](#): > > I’m a single, 34 year old man. I’m not sure whether I want kids–that’s something to be decided with a future spouse–but I do want to get married. > > Having endured the collapse of several long-term relationships that almost but didn’t quite work out, I am now in a position where it is exceedingly unlikely I will meet any single women remotely close to my age. I’m facing permanent bachelorhood, and that sucks ass. I can’t help but agonize over my failed relationships, trying to second-guess myself into wondering whether something I could have done differently might have saved one of them: maybe then I wouldn’t so be alone and depressed. These days, I face this horrible combination of feeling terribly lonely and terribly anti-social, simultaneously. > > To the OP, be grateful you have someone who loves you. Do not take it for granted. Doing without is a real possibility, and it is not fun. I am 10 years older than you but more importantly you’re below MY cut off and its all about me. I had no kids, won’t ever, am on the high end of attractive or even hot I guess but the “anti-social” thing you mentioned? It’s going to get worse…like twice a week therapy worse…if you don’t adjust your criteria. It’s not a man’s market right now - its ours. And you know how we are when we find out we have the power…we wield it like a mace. In the 6th hour of a 1989 D&D game. Everyone is wearing glasses and sporting acne like it’s armor. You know what I mean. Too much time without intimacy (not necessarily love but intimacy) lends itself to a weird sarcasm that becomes an albatross with potential to redefine the expression. You got this dude! Go out Friday night and report back on Saturday. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/76 "2013-05-01T11:42:02Z")
> [@tdot\_Boxer](#): > > So we agree, marriage is a draconian institute well past its “best before” date. > > In the past, women got charity and men got legacy with an heir. But now women don’t need the charity they have “options” and with 8 billion humans already kicking about no one needs a legacy either. > > I don’t buy the social acceptance argument … last i checked, being a single mother was badge of honour only empowered, strong & independent women wore. Being a life-long bachelor can’t be that bad from a “social acceptance” stand point either. > > Looking at the stats, i am sure men far smarter then me have exercised prudence when selecting their partner and have failed; why re-invent the wheel. why take on the inevitable headache of marriage or the state-enforced “common-law” > > The only thing that bother’s me … is a potential “bachelor tax”, which roman empire tried as a last ditch effort to save it self. ah well. I’m a divorced dad who paid CS for 2 kids over 12 years, I understand the lay of the land re marriage so save your childish, arm waving gibberish for the boys at the bar. I get what’s involved and the risks and tradeoffs. Re “being a single mother was badge of honour only empowered, strong & independent women wore” This is not a tea party radio call in show, this is the real world. While you may consider yourself and your precious manly resources at some risk in agreeing to marry and have kids with some greedy, sharp kneed woman, in most real world circumstances a desirable woman is not going to waste her time with some man child moaning about the huge risk he is taking in marrying. She wants a real man whose is ready to commit to a relationship. Undertaking getting pregnant and raising a family is a huge risk for a woman. If that’s not your kettle of fish and you are saving your money for more Warhammer figurines, a better gaming headset or a new motorbike having a family is probably not your best move. ---
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/77 "2013-05-01T12:44:06Z")
> [@Stainz](#): > > We have talked about the future, but in very loose terms. I’m afraid of pressuring him too much, and I certainly don’t want to give him an ultimatum. It just seems like it’s something he’s not ready for yet, and I don’t want to ruin our present-day fun by trying to pin down the future. No good man will just up and leave because you pressured him a bit to do something that you want - and that he may want as well. If he did, he wasn’t a good man - see how that works? If you’re not wholly decided on whether having kids will ruin your ‘fun’ or not, then you’re not ready to be a mother. You tell him what you want. If he says “no” then you decide what to do next. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/78 "2013-05-01T14:00:50Z")
Stainz: > [@](#): > > Thanks all … it’s tough because I cannot imagine never being a mother … but at the same time, since we’re still in the beginning stages of a life together, there are things we want to do and see, and I don’t think either of us feels ready to give up our total freedom right now. Don’t underestimate what you might be capable of doing with children. My wife and I love travelling, and when she was pregnant with our first, we decided to take two weeks off from our jobs unpaid (but with boss permission, not at risk of losing the jobs) to take a cross-country road trip, the rationale being “once the kids come, we’ll never be able to do something like this.” You know what? That turned out to be B.S. We enjoy road trips so much, we just made the effort to do them WITH the kids. And our kids now share our love of travel with us. ---
**Author:** ![Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3be4f8/32.png) [@Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obnoxious_Hood_Ornament)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/79 "2013-05-01T14:45:40Z")
Adopt a kid. Problem solved. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595/80 "2013-05-01T15:19:33Z")
> [@Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](#): > > Adopt a kid. Problem solved. You realize that it’s wildly expensive and not particularly easy, right? The number of babies up for adoption is miniscule, and not every household is ready to manage the issues that often come with an older adopted child. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-34-not-married-no-kids-help-me-relax-about-it-all/240595.md?page=5)