I'm 34, not married, no kids - help me relax about it all!

In My Humble Opinion
41

No. “Sharing” is WHY we got married(back then)!

We couldnt share without being married. Unmarried people just did not live together back then, most hotels did not allow unmarrieds to have the same room, real estate agents did not sell/rent homes to unmarried couples, companies did not allow their employees to live together, churches did not allow unmarried couples to become members, etc. (I think it was even illegal in some places to have unmarried people living together?)

Therefore, if we wanted to “share” our lives together, we had to get married.

It was either get the wedding ring and be married, or else live alone.

The problem Stainz, and other women who shack up, has, is that her boyfriend already has all the advantages of being married, without any of the responsiblities of being married.

A woman that is living with her boyfriend, has to find some way to convince her boyfriend that although he is getting sex from her, sharing a home with her, eating her meals, taking vacations with her, etc, that somehow, who knows why, he would be better off being married.

I dont know how(but that is up to her) she can prove to him that he would be better off being married if he already has all of the benefits, but that is what she(or any other woman living with a man) needs to do.

Its pretty simple really.

Sit yourselves down, talk to your boyfriend, explain clearly and completely all the extra advantages he will gain by switching from living-together to being officially married, and its a piece of cake from there.

Once you convince your boyfriend that he is missing out on so much because he is just living together with you, and once he realizes all that he is missing out on, he will wear out horses getting to the marriage license bureau as fast as he possibly can.

I really dont personally care if other people are married or not, that is their business, but you have to place yourself in the mans perspective, and prove why he is worse off if he doesnt officially marry you.

42

I don’t have any clear-cut answers for you. Your situation is a difficult one and, regrettably one that a lot of women these days are facing.
But I would like to point a couple of things out. You clearly love your boyfriend and the relationship means a lot to you. Thus, you’re afraid of pressuring him or scaring him away. That’s understandable. Giving someone an ultimatum is a difficult and often inadvisable thing to do. However, you are also being faced with a certain kind of pressure: biological pressure. The sad reality is that you really don’t have oodles of time left to make this choice. Since the two of you are already living together, I’m assuming that you’re close enough for you to really open up to him and talk to him about things. You don’t have to phrase it in terms of ultimatums or even the future of your relationship if that makes you feel uncomfortable. You could just try sharing your own feelings of biological pressure with him. It may be that, as he’s male and not really concerned with the same sort of fertility concerns, he’s never really thought about the issues involved with your age. Make your desire for children and your associated worries clear to him; tell him it’s something that you’ve been thinking about. And then I guess see how he reacts from there.
Something else that I’d like to point out (although I know this could get contraversial) is that you don’t have to be married to have children. Granted, it’s putting yourself on the line in a way that you might not feel comfortable with, but I know plenty of people who are living together (unmarried) with children. He might rather not get married at this point but still be willing to father your child. In such a case, you would have to make both of your expectations clear. I guess it depends on how important it is to you to have a child and if you’d be willing to risk raising the child alone later down the road if it came to that.
As I’ve said, the whole situation is delicate and complicated. But remember: you don’t really have a lot of time to fritter away while you wait for him to open up to you. Initiate the conversation. You’re living together already, so it’s not like this will be coming out of left-field. The sooner that you two discuss your plans and dreams for the future, the better you’ll feel.

43

hyacinth.girl - thanks for your post.

He’s actually read this thread, and agrees that there are a lot of good points made by our fellow Dopers.

We’ve set a date to talk about these issues - I realized that the other times I’ve brought it up, (a) I haven’t been direct enough, and (b) I’ve sprung it on him. This way we both know when we’ll be discussing it, so I can relax, and he can really give it some serious thought and be prepared. Better for both of us!

We both feel that marriage should come before children, for ourselves anyway. Not really for any moral reasons, but that’s just what we’re more comfortable with.

We’ve already talked a little about what would happen if we left it a bit too late, and I couldn’t get pregnant, or it was a struggle. He was very supportive and it really set my mind at ease. I’m looking forward to our ‘real’ discussion - we’ve both agreed to be completely honest and upfront about it all - no pussyfooting around!

Wish us luck … who knows, maybe someday you’ll see a wedding or birth announcement posted here! :slight_smile:

S.

44

Why, life insurance, of course. :wink:

45

Okay, you said you wanted help enjoying the present, so try this: You’re 34, not married, and have no kids! You have about 50 years of life ahead of you, you’re not exactly past your prime, you don’t have the complications that can come with marriage, and (the biggie) you have no children making demands on you, restricting your social life and taking up all your time and energy. :cool:

I know you want these things, but you can still look at the bright side.

46

Susanann, how old are you? I’m guessing you are at least in your 50s if not 60s. Also, how old were you when you got married? Here, I’d guess that you were 18 or 19, seeing as you refer to 34 as entering old age.

BTW, if 34 is old age, what are you now, ancient?

47

Knorf

Since I paid the 5 bucks I may as well post now instead of lurk.

I’m right there next to you brother, and my life style, job , social circle, doesnt show me alot of hope for the future. my mileage varies into your later posts.

To the OP, I feel for you, good luck , but dont rush things that last a lifetime.

I’m wondering if people dont have unreal expectations of what marriage is these days? :confused:

48

What am I now? I am too old to have anymore babies.

Your guesses are very good. But I refer to 34 as being old age, because of the risk of genetic defects becoming increasingly more likely for mothers older than 34 - esp first time mothers. As I said before, 35 is a good age to stop having babies, not start having them.

My concern is in wanting babies to be born healthy and with no genetic defects.
I am against anything that increases the liklihood of problems with babies, underweight, coffee, drugs, cigarette smoking, alcohol, lack of folic acid, multiple sex partners, diabeties, sex diseases, etc.

Frankly, it makes me sick to see a baby born with Down Syndrome just because the mother wanted to have fun, a carreer, and take a bunch of vacations before having a baby. It is selfish and cruel. I have seen too many babies born with defects from old mothers, mothers on drugs, etc.

I really dont care if women want to move in with their boyfriends without being married, but if you want to have babies, have the babies while you are young and while your eggs are still free of defects, and not when you are old.

49

YOu dont need to be married to be a beneficiary on a life insurance policy.

Good try though. AT least you got the point- what she needs to do is to find out exactly what it is that he is missing out on by not being married and explain why he woudl be better off married(- sorry, I cant help you there).

50

Susann, I’ll water this down since we’re not in GD- you’re blaming the victim and being extremely cruel.

51

Calm the fuck the down!!!

Don’t get married “to have children”.

Children are the result of a loving married. Or, should be. If you’re spiritual at all you’ll realize that it’s God who’ll give you or won’t give you a child.

Either way, you should be ready to accept and deal with the result.

Be happy, either way.

If you try to force your hand over what would normally be your destiny, that “wrong” will be “righted” eventually and you’ll be sitting there ten years from now crying “what did I ever do to deserve this?”

Calm down.

52

**SusanAnn ** - part of me is saying to leave this alone and not encourage you. But another part of me has to stand up for myself and all other women in my situation.

I have not been spending my adult life partying and travelling. I wish! It would have been a lot more fun than the reality, which is …

I’ve been in a couple of unhealthy, long-term relationships, and I wasn’t prepared to introduce a child into that part of my life. I’ve also taken some time to try to improve my financial situation.

I’ve worked very hard to make my world happy and stable and healthy. THAT is why I’m 34 and haven’t had a child … YET.

Your judgments and your prejudices and your assumptions are ridiculous, narrow-minded and insulting.

53

Please, Stainz, don’t egg her on. She’s not a troll, exactly, but…well, let’s just say this thread isn’t a one-time aberration in a tolerant, considerate, and polite posting history, shall we? Explaining yourself (which, frankly, you don’t owe to anybody here, least of all someone who calls you names) won’t get you anywhere with this chick. Since she’s always right and you disagree with her, she’s just going to keep on and on and on until you either agree with her, shut the thread, or ignore her completely. And she’ll probably keep on for a bit even if you ignore her. That’s just how we people with alwaysrightitis work, I’m afraid. (Yes, I’ve got a big whopping case of it myself, as does pretty much everyone else in my family. My cousins and I refer to it as the family right gene. On the bright side, though, I’m at least self-aware enough to realize this and shut up once in a while.)

54

A few years ago I was in the situation where I was ready to have kids, but my SO was not.

I felt it was very important not to issue an ultimatum (I wanted him to feel truly ready to take the plunge, not to be making the decision too early just to avoid losing me), or pressure him. But what I did do was be open and honest about where I was, much as I would do with any issue. And expected him to do the same.

We both accepted that we were in these different states of readiness, and that at some point we would probably both be equally ready, and in the meantime we agreed to simply be aware of where the other was, and to provide the same kind of support to each other as we would about any other issue.

When I had a hard time choosing a present for a friend’s baby shower, because I kept thinking that I wanted it to be me, I told him about it. Without any blame, or manipulation; just because it was what I was experiencing. When he felt ill-equipped to teach a child about the world because he himself had not seen enough of it, he told me about it. Just so I would hear him out, and understand what he was experiencing.

We survived those few years of limbo just fine, and now we have a 1 year old sleeping in the next room :slight_smile:

With respect to your situation, my advice would be to enjoy this stage of your relationship as much as you can, but when these other issues are weighing on your mind, share them with him and let him be supportive just as he would be if it was work or anything else causing you stress.

55

Sam I Am,

I like this advice. It is likely the most workable advice I have seen here, alongside Crazy Cat Lady.

:cool:

56

Stainz,

I am in the exact same boat as you. 34, living with boyfriend of nearly two years and like a wreck when I think of children or marriage, ( somebody say wine?) it is especially escalated when I am around my female work colleagues and friends which all seem to talk non stop about their babies… then the hard press of anxiety steam rolls over my chest and inside i turn in to emotional mess, while still trying retaining a somewhat cool exterior ( this is for everyones benefit really). Myself and boyfriend have such a great relationship and share plenty of love, fun, understanding and friendship and amazing sex as far as finding a great partner I couldn’t ask for anything more. However, bringing a child into this world is a huge step and not to be taken lightly. Yes, biologically time is ticking but give yourself a break and enjoy the present moment.

This is easier said then done, so I did take a little control. To relieve any of my own stress I went to see a homeopath which helped so much much anxiety and gave myself a timeframe of when until I was 36 to have children. ( any scaremongerers out there, yes you SUSANANN, go shove it, I know plenty of women who have lot of healthy babies in the their late 30’s ).

It is only natural to feel concerned at this age about babies etc. , but at the same time, it is best to take care of of the stress and mind your head, body and soul in check. enjoy life as it is to the max, trust in yourself and the rest will fall into place…

best of luck… :slight_smile: trig

57

except the OP is now 43.

58

I had my son when I was 38 and I know several other woman who had children later in life.
Several of my friends had their first babies at 36.

My uncle didn’t get married until he and my aunt were 36 and they had three children, she was 38, 39 and 41.

You still have a little time, but I’d talk with the SO and let him know this is what you want and if it’s in your future together.
Otherwise you’ll have to decide it he’s worth giving up children for.

Honestly, I know several women who married men who were adamant about not wanting children. Maybe they thought somewhere down the road the man would change his mind.
I think they all regret not having children.

59

zombie or no

and did the baby thing not too long after starting this thread.

60

nevermind