# I'm a bad (boy)friend. Am I? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 25, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777 "2003-01-25T01:28:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/1 "2003-01-25T01:28:47Z")
Hypothetical situation. I have a friend (more than that, actually) online, who occasionally disappears for stretches of time. The first time, I emailed her after a couple of days, asking where she was. The second time, I neglected to email her for a couple of weeks (I’m not going to make excuses), and she says it’s not fair for me to say I care and then not act like it by not emailing her within a couple days’ of her disappearence. Am I in the wrong? ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/2 "2003-01-25T01:31:16Z")
Nope. If she makes a habit of disappearing you’re okay to assume that she’s in the habit of disappearing. You did the right thing the first time. Don’t let her mess with your head, man. Just don’t. ---
**Author:** ![bibliophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@bibliophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophile)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/3 "2003-01-25T01:32:35Z")
I think the bigger question here is why does she disappear? With the little bit of information you’ve provided it seems to me like her disappearing acts are a way to test your hypothetical devotion. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/4 "2003-01-25T01:39:13Z")
Yeah, if this is some kind of “testing your devotion,” screw it. Life’s too short to play mindgames and she might as well learn this earlier than later. It sounds like a “crying wolf” scenario. ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/5 "2003-01-25T01:40:49Z")
Crimminy! I can go literally years without hearing from my pals in PA! A few weeks is nothing at all to worry about. No matter what. Well, if she’s dead I guess that’s something else … ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/6 "2003-01-25T01:51:43Z")
Hah, well… she doesn’t really give reasons for her disappearance. Presumably, she is having “emotional problems”\* (she says she’s biploar, but since I’ve never met her, I don’t know), but for all I know, she could have been grounded and not get an email even if I send it. Like I said, I’m not going to make excuses for why I didn’t reply. [sub]\*I don’t mean to be insensitive to others’ emotional issues, especially related to psychological disorders, I’m just not sure if she is actually bipolar, since at one point she said she had cancer to get sympathy.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/7 "2003-01-25T01:52:09Z")
For that matter my DAD and I can go a year without checking in. We love each other and enjoy each others company…but we have our own pursuits and are comfortable how things are. ---
**Author:** ![bibliophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@bibliophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophile)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/8 "2003-01-25T01:53:59Z")
> [@](#): > > - > > [sub]\*I don’t mean to be insensitive to others’ emotional issues, especially related to psychological disorders, I’m just not sure if she is actually bipolar, since at one point she said she had cancer to get sympathy.[/sub] \*\* A fake tumor didn’t get the alarm ringing in your head? ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/9 "2003-01-25T01:57:01Z")
Well, actually, I didn’t even consider it until recently. She told me once, and then never mentioned it again, and a while later I found out it was fake from a friend of hers. Then I didn’t talk to her for a while (I forget why), and I forgot. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/10 "2003-01-25T01:57:26Z")
Um, yeah, if fake cancer isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/11 "2003-01-25T01:58:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scarlett67 \* > \*\*Um, yeah, if fake cancer isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is. \*\* A… _tries to hold it back_ red… _clenches his jaw_ flag? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bibliophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@bibliophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophile)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/12 "2003-01-25T02:01:33Z")
Listen **Speaker** , since you mentioned something earlier about the possiblity that she was grounded, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you’re part of the younger crowd. My advice is be careful. Whether or not she’s actually bipolar, this girl clearly has some kind of trouble. I’m not saying cut her off altogether, just make sure you understand exactly what you’re getting yourself into. And if she’s not willing to provide that information, maybe you should think twice about what you’re doing. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/13 "2003-01-25T02:07:33Z")
Ah yes, since I’m already nearly flooding this thread, I may as well continue - I sent her an email after this, which, in more, gentler words, said: “I’m not allowed to be busy? That’s not happening, sorry. Bye.” ---
**Author:** ![Sock\_Munkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Sock\_Munkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sock_Munkey)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/14 "2003-01-25T20:23:11Z")
She sounds like more trouble than shes’ worth. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2003, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/15 "2003-01-26T01:03:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Speaker for the Dead \* > \*\*Ah yes, since I’m already nearly flooding this thread, I may as well continue - I sent her an email after this, which, in more, gentler words, said: “I’m not allowed to be busy? That’s not happening, sorry. Bye.” \*\* Good for you! ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2003, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/16 "2003-01-26T01:30:54Z")
I have this philosophy, It’s served me well. I have several friends that are in no way dependable, although spending time with them is always fun and rewarding. I categorize them thusly: “He’s a good friend, but I wouldn’t want him packing my parachute” ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2003, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/17 "2003-01-26T01:51:47Z")
" Am I in the wrong?" Only hypothetically. ---
**Author:** ![1ofthegulls](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/bcef8e/32.png) [@1ofthegulls](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1ofthegulls)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2003, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/18 "2003-01-26T03:50:08Z")
Lordy, why do you care? Someone that lies about having cancer is someone you choose to correspond with? There are a LOT of interesting people out there, I suggest finding one of them. She’s taught you to question yourself…enough to come here and ask if you’re “bad”, doesn’t that tell you something?! ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2003, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/19 "2003-01-28T00:05:42Z")
Okay, I felt like posting an update. She sent me another email (if a few people want to see it, I don’t have qualms with posting it, there’s not really anything sensitive in it. The gist is she was saying that one should stick through even the bad times (my “busy month”) to talk to a friend, and if the situation had been reversed, that she would’ve stopped to say hi. So, I wrote her a reply. I was trying to sound nice, because I hate being too brutal, but I think I got my message across nicely. The “fourth time” I refer to is her claim that this is the fourth time I’ve said she really wants something when she doesn’t (or something similar). > [@](#): > > _Originally emailed by Speaker for the Dead_\*\* > I’m really not trying to be rude when I say this, but the guilt trip is not appreciated, and nor will I let it make me feel bad. And I’m pretty sure this is more than the fourth time I’ve done this to you _smirks_. Either way, I’m quite certain that I apologized for not sending you a “Hi, where are you?” message, and your reaction shows you haven’t forgiven me. Which brings me to my final point - I think we’d be better off as friends. You need attention from me I wish I could give, but realistically I can’t. Thus, to prevent more heartbreak on your part, I think that would be the best. \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777/20 "2003-01-28T00:23:54Z")
Good email, **Speaker**. (Well, except maybe for the smirking. No one likes a smirker.) I’ll never understand people who, after neither of you call or email each other for some period of time, blame you for it. Unless I missed something, she’s complaining that during some period of time where neither of you emailed the other, you should have taken the time to email her? Why didn’t she email you? I just don’t get it. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-a-bad-boy-friend-am-i/150777.md?page=2)