# I'm an unfeeling cunt. Yup. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 14, 2005, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642 "2005-09-14T18:28:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/21 "2005-09-14T19:40:47Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > 1. You’re upset that the other mother didn’t immediately cancel her playdate, even though Emo told here everything was alright. Meh. Big deal. Why freak out the kids? I guess I don’t understand why one _would_ stay when it’s pretty obvious something not good has occurred. > [@](#): > > 1. She was only trying to help. Correct me if I wrong, but I sense that your anger and resentment with this woman has more to do with the fact that she’s sleeping with your ex-husband than anything else. You say she’s a “psycho” for suggesting that her boyfriend and his daughter would be welcome to live with her but you don’t say why that would be so bad/ Also, since you are no longer married to this man, and it is not your daughter, I don’t see how their living arrangement should concern you at all. Emo and I split a long time ago and I hold no attraction for him and vice versa. If he were in a healthy relationship I would be very happy for him. But it ain’t her. At the time he moved in here, she was under the assumption that he was moving in with her. This led to threats of violence from her. If he wants to move in with her, he’s more than welcome to (would save a lot on the bills around here). He doesn’t want to. They break up, she threatens suicide, he goes back to her. Rinse and repeat. Were he to move in with her, though, he would not see our daughter, LilMiss as often as he would like because I won’t let her over to the girlfriends house. > [@](#): > > 1. early childhood sexual abuse or does not get “forgotten” with time. Studies show that early trauma actually causes physiological changes to the brain which are irreversible and cause emotional and behavioral problems which can last for a person’s entire life. It doesn’t matter if they can remember the event or not. The damage is _physical_. Dismissing it as something the child will forget is not only factually incorrect but does indeed sound callous and flippant. > > What what you describe, it sounds like you’re taking out a lot of anger on this girlfriend for reasons which have little or nothing to do with this latest conversation. If you see the brutalization of your daughter’s half-sister as “nothing to get het up about,” I can understand why others would see you as cold. Trust me, I _KNOW_ it’s never completely forgotten. I’ll leave it at that. But, I do think going ballistic doesn’t solve/help anyone. Emo’s girlfriend, like me, is on the periphery of the matter. We’re not direct players. Emo, Ex#2, and their child (and to a lesser extent, LilMiss) are the ones to be concerned about. I told both Emo and Ex#2 that I’m here for them in whatever capacity they may need. Emo, thank God, understands why I am the way I am. Ex#2, who I haven’t always meshed with, thanked me and proceeded to cry on my shoulder while I listened. IMO, that’s all I can and should do. Emo’s girlfriend is the one supercharged with wrath and isn’t grasping that it’s not helping. And I don’t think the ‘brutalization’ of my daughter’s sister is “nothing to get het up about”. It’s tragic. It shouldn’t have happened. But it did. Ranting and railing isn’t going to change it though. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/22 "2005-09-14T19:43:12Z")
Why would LilMiss or **MissTake** need counseling? LilMiss’ sis, yes. LilMiss…maybe, but not a definite. **MissTake** , only if LilMiss needs it. As best as I can tell, LilMiss’ sis is LilMiss half-sister and not related to **MissTake**. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/23 "2005-09-14T19:49:13Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > She needs counseling, probably everybody does, especially you with your ignorance of how much even the smallest trauma can upset you. A man in my family touched me inappropriately once when I was a child, it was not the end of the world, not as bad as so many others have had, but I have never ever forgotten it. And it was over 15 years ago. I posted: > [@](#): > > I apologized, stating I didn’t know she _also_ was survivor of molestation. I’m not going to force LilMiss into therapy. Forcing here would, IMO, be counterproductive. Been there, bought the T-shirt. We have talked to her and given her resources should she want help. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/24 "2005-09-14T19:58:21Z")
I guess I got mixed up on who the girlfriend was urging therapy for. I thought she wanted it for the victim. I do agree that it shouldn’t be necessary for **MissTake** or her own daughter to go, but the victim and both of her parents should go. Depending on how close the relationship is, it might not _hurt_ for the sister to go (children can be quite affected when their siblings are traumatized), but it’s probably not imperative. ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_of_the_Lake)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/25 "2005-09-14T20:06:45Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > She needs counseling, probably everybody does, especially you with your ignorance of how much even the smallest trauma can upset you. A man in my family touched me inappropriately once when I was a child, it was not the end of the world, not as bad as so many others have had, but I have never ever forgotten it. And it was over 15 years ago. _blink_ I’m not saying LilMiss won’t need counseling to deal with the confusing feelings the situation may bring, but it’s hardly _this_ imperative – it was LilMiss’s half-sister who was molested - LilMiss wasn’t anywhere around when this occured… I also don’t think MissTake is ignorant to trauma, maybe she hadn’t reacted with the exact emotions others were expecting of her but let’s cut her some slack here. This is a fucked up situation and it’s hard to get emotions in check, or even to understand what one is feeling in the first place… We’re all just human here. I see MissTake expressing anger at the Molester and the parent who had knowingly allowed her child to be alone with him, frustration because of feelings of powerlessness at the situation (which can be transferred to the guest who maybe should have noticed the tenseness and taken leave) and a sense of betrayal - this kind of thing isn’t supposed to be happening to people we know after all. MissTake _hug_ I don’t really know what to say, this type of thing is just so sad… ---
**Author:** ![PinkMarabou](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ec9cab/32.png) [@PinkMarabou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PinkMarabou)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/26 "2005-09-14T21:06:42Z")
It took a couple times reading it and the clarification posting of who is who to figure out what is going on here, but I believe I’ve got it. - Ex #2 knowingly left her child with a prosecuted pedofile - Playmate’s mother was rude and didn’t leave although you gave her cues and your ex-husband told her it was okay (obviously didn’t read your cues either, maybe it would have been better to ask her directly to leave?) - Current girlfriend (or not, whatever the weather is like today) is mentally unstable, i.e. threatens suicide frequently; you’re afraid she might get enraged at your ex-husband and harm your child - same girl took the phone away from your ex when he was speaking to you and started to dictate to you what you should be doing in this situation even though: a. it is not your child who was molested\* b. neither you nor her are directly involved in this\* - she then proceeds to get angry with you because you are trying to remain calm so you do not upset your daughter and possibly cause (more? don’t know yet if she’s mentally affected by this) strife with her I don’t think she’ll forget it, she may repress it because she may be too young to understand at this time though. With therapy and a supportive family structure, she might grow up mostly okay but the future is hard to tell with things like this. It tends to creep up on people, especially during those turbulent teenage years. If you said it in the heat of the moment and regret it, don’t worry, just try to apologize to your ex and the mother. The girlfriend’s opinion doesn’t matter. The little girl is probably confused and all the strangers talking to her right now (police, therapist, doctors, etc.) isn’t making it easier, but it is something that has to be done to make sure this creep doesn’t do her or anyone else harm ever again. - I feel for all parties in this situation, it’s not easy to deal with. But getting her into therapy is the best option at this point and is something her parents should worry about, only help if you notice there’s a need. Sometimes stepping on toes of other parents can cause more heartache. If you feel she’s being neglected, by all means step in. But this is definitely something the girlfriend should stay out of besides giving support to your ex-husband. Please keep us updated on what happens. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2005, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/27 "2005-09-14T21:41:45Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > 1. early childhood sexual abuse or does not get “forgotten” with time. Studies show that early trauma actually causes physiological changes to the brain which are irreversible and cause emotional and behavioral problems which can last for a person’s entire life. It doesn’t matter if they can remember the event or not. The damage is _physical_. Dismissing it as something the child will forget is not only factually incorrect but does indeed sound callous and flippant. Emotional damage I can understand, but permanent physical changes to the brain due to early emotional trauma? I’ve never heard of this. Do you have a cite for this phenomenon? ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/28 "2005-09-15T00:01:00Z")
What exactly was LilMiss told and how old is she? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/29 "2005-09-15T00:12:50Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > She needs counseling, probably everybody does, especially you with your ignorance of how much even the smallest trauma can upset you. A man in my family touched me inappropriately once when I was a child, it was not the end of the world, not as bad as so many others have had, but I have never ever forgotten it. And it was over 15 years ago. Why the hell would Lil Miss need counseling? SHE wasn’t the one who was molested! ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/30 "2005-09-15T00:13:38Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Emotional damage I can understand, but permanent physical changes to the brain due to early emotional trauma? I’ve never heard of this. Do you have a cite for this phenomenon? This site has some information on it: [http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/trau\_CAMI.asp](http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/trau_CAMI.asp) ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/31 "2005-09-15T01:28:41Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Why the hell would Lil Miss need counseling? SHE wasn’t the one who was molested! Hold on to your horses, there, Guin. Something happened to her sister. Her sister may talk to her about it, sometime. She knows something is _wrong_, but not necessarily what. While she may not need counseling in a “needs therapy” sense, she may benefit from talking to a social worker who is used to dealing with families where molestation has occured. This is a “whole family” situation, no matter how you look at it. She could feel anything from total confusion to guilt for not “protecting” her little sister. Kids think in weird ways, sometimes. If Lil Miss has questions, or concerns, I’m sure Miss Take will give her the opportunity to get those answers from someone who knows just how to deliver them. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/32 "2005-09-15T01:39:30Z")
Oh, well, I guess I really didn’t think of it that way. You’re right, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/33 "2005-09-15T02:29:12Z")
> [@](#): > > LilMiss’s sister had been repeatedly molested by a neighbor. Ex#2 walked in on it. Cops get called… As much as I walk into these types of threads spewing my bleeding-heart agenda all over the place, you gotta hand it to Ex #2 (even though he apparently didn’t listen beforehand,) in that all three of them are still alive. More than a lot of us could do. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/34 "2005-09-15T08:15:50Z")
> [@MissTake](#): > > Turns out Ex#2 had been told by pedos’ roommate NOT to leave the child with pedo. Just out of curiosity, why **did** she leave the child with him? Needed a babysitter? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/35 "2005-09-15T13:22:32Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Emotional damage I can understand, but permanent physical changes to the brain due to early emotional trauma? I’ve never heard of this. Do you have a cite for this phenomenon? I don’t have a cite myself, but there is growing research that strong experiences change not only the contents of the brain, but the structure as well. This happens in adults as well as children, though probably not to the same degree. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/36 "2005-09-15T18:25:13Z")
It’s not really clear to me why this situation involves **MissTake** at all. It wasn’t your daughter, right? Who’s the one who threatens suicide all the time - your ex-husband’s second wife, or his current girlfriend? Either way, the child shouldn’t be growing up in that environment. It sounds like “Emo”'s daughter is in a massively chaotic and unhealthy environment, and was even prior to all of this. ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/37 "2005-09-15T18:40:48Z")
It’s a screwed up deal, for sure. I offer up a chance for **MissTake** to vent her frustrations on me tonight (she knows where to find me 😉 ) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/38 "2005-09-15T18:49:55Z")
> [@BoBettie](#): > > This site has some information on it: > [http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/trau\_CAMI.asp](http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/trau_CAMI.asp) That article, while well intentioned, appears to be a lot of hand waving about what\* might\* happen and studies that _might_ imply this. Is there anything that definitively ties early childhood trauma to actual permanent structural changes in the brain? ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/39 "2005-09-16T03:12:47Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Just out of curiosity, why **did** she leave the child with him? Needed a babysitter? It’s my understanding that she wandered over there. Ex#2’s roommate was outside, didn’t notice her leaving the house. Ex#2 was inside doing who knows what. Pedo was in the garage putzing around. She went over there and, well. You know. > [@excalibre](#): > > It’s not really clear to me why this situation involves MissTake at all. It wasn’t your daughter, right? Who’s the one who threatens suicide all the time - your ex-husband’s second wife, or his current girlfriend? Either way, the child shouldn’t be growing up in that environment. It sounds like “Emo”'s daughter is in a massively chaotic and unhealthy environment, and was even prior to all of this. Correct, it wasn’t my daughter. It was her half sister. The suicide queen is Emo (my ex)'s current girlfriend. I will agree that the child’s environment isn’t the best, but better than many. Ex#2 (her mom) works 12 hour days to keep a roof over their heads. However, she’s also a partier and the child often is at someone else’s house on the weekends. _shrug_ Emo is calming down. The pedo is still in jail, unlikely to get out anytime soon. He’s been charged with two counts of criminal sexual conduct. Hopefully he’ll plead and go away for a while. LilMiss had some bad dreams last night and we talked about it. I reminded her that if she wants to talk to someone else, let me know. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2005, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642/40 "2005-09-16T03:31:51Z")
> [@astro](#): > > That article, while well intentioned, appears to be a lot of hand waving about what\* might\* happen and studies that _might_ imply this. Is there anything that definitively ties early childhood trauma to actual permanent structural changes in the brain? Here’s a couple of more scholarly articles on it. > **[Altered Pituitary-Adrenal Axis Responses to Provocative Challenge Tests in...](https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.158.4.575)** > > OBJECTIVE: Early adverse life events may predispose individuals to the development of mood and anxiety disorders in adulthood, perhaps by inducing persistent changes in corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF) neuronal systems. The present study sought... [http://www.trauma-pages.com/perry96.htm](http://www.trauma-pages.com/perry96.htm) A google scholar search turns up plenty more. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-an-unfeeling-cunt-yup/321642.md?page=3)