# I'm asking someone out for the first time tommorrow. I have no idea what I'm doing **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2004, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285 "2004-12-11T07:54:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2004, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/81 "2004-12-19T02:53:58Z")
> [@Duderdude2](#): > > Oh, it’s a cell phone? Yeah, she totally knows how many times you called, unless it was off, then she has no idea. > > Regardless, I unfortunately think things are looking pretty bleak (though I hope I’m wrong). What girl doesn’t have her cell phone on her 24/7? Also, the cell phone would display and archive your phone number, so she could have called back at any time. Though again, on the off-chance that she didn’t have her cell phone turned on, you may still be in luck, but I honestly think things aren’t looking that way. I believe it’s a cell phone. My last call to her was around 7:00, but she seemed to think I called last at 5:00. Not sure what that’s about. Yeah, girls really like hanging onto to their cell phones, but it’s a policy at my store that you’re not allowed to carry them around while working. It was probably in a locker, or maybe in her purse someplace. In any case, I’m thinking of waiting untill the Christmas season blows over before asking her out again. Or not. I’m still trying to weigh just how creepy I may have came across with 10 phone calls Vs. the chances that only a few were recorded while the cell phone was off all other times. > [@Duderdude2](#): > > Also, assuming that I’m correct, don’t worry about it. So what if you don’t date her. She’s only one of many available girls. Well, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll probably go back to being a single, content, bookworm/movie buff/nerd. There’s plenty of available girls, but I feel like the ones I may be able to relate to that are single are pretty damn rare. I’m not looking for a Natalie Portman clone here, just someone to share books with, talk about movies, and help each other pursue our ambitions. Though I would appreciate it if said person practiced grooming and hygenic habits. It would also help if me and said person shared the same kind of sense of humor. I’ll be glad I went through with all of this even if nothing pans out, but I’d at least like to achieve getting a cup of coffee with her. > [@Duderdude2](#): > > Did it happen in that order? If so, then she was certainly ignoring you. You see, if you got a busy signal, then she wouldn’t have known that you called, then when you finally did get through, she saw a number she didn’t recognize and likely chose not to answer, then she finally turned off her phone, hence the phone not being available message. The order was: No one picking up Busy No one picking up With one or two random “Cell phone service can’t be reached”, or whatever it was, messages somewhere in between. > [@Happy Lendervedder](#): > > Dang, I just re-read my previous post, and it really knocks the ol’ Cliche-o-Meter off the hook. > > But hey, Cliches: There’s something to 'em. Well to some of them anyways. Many are just terrible outdated memes. But yours I hold true. I won’t feel this much anxiety again in asking somebody out, and I have this thread to thank. This experience has certaintly made me stronger. I’m not dead in the water yet. Just lost, without a compass, cold, and I could have sworn I felt a shark swim past my leg…or was that seaweed? Remember that get together I went to last night? Interesting thing about that. My brother made damn sure I didn’t drink that night since I had to drive home…which wasn’t neccesary since I have enough common sense not to drink and drive. Ten minutes before leaving to work this morning, I get this call: “Hello?” “Yeah, is mom home?” "No. Why? “It’s very important I talk to her.” “Well she’s at work. Should I leave a message? And why do you sound upset?” “I’m in jail. I need you to call mom, and tell her that” “Oh? What jail?” "Excuse me, what jail is this? (in the background) BREVAHHHD COUNTY _JAIL!_ Brevard County Jail. Tell her" "So…are there any big guys in your cell trying to give you a massage? 🙂 " “No.” “Ok…I’ll call mom now.” “Thanks” Arrested for DUI. My brother isn’t the most responsible person, and he’s rarely punished for any thing he does, so I’m rather upset he got bail _today_. Very pitworthy material, but I don’t have the time or energy to do the topic justice. “…and I have this thread to thank”. Thank thank thank thank thank. What an odd word. Thank. ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2004, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/82 "2004-12-20T06:25:20Z")
Any updates? ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/83 "2004-12-22T01:41:58Z")
Discarded the “Not calling again 'till after Christmas” plan, and invited her yesterday to a cup of coffee at a cafe in Cocoa Village. Called two times: once at 3:00, second time at 5:00. I left a message the second time. I got no call back, or no return message. Yeah…I’m pretty sure she’s avoiding me. I don’t like this one bit. Strike two… ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2004, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/84 "2004-12-22T02:02:10Z")
Bummer. Ah well, you gave it your best shot. ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/85 "2004-12-23T00:22:29Z")
_raps fingers on desk_ _sighs_ Well…whadya guys say? Slap the final nail in the coffin, or invite her out one more time after Christmas? I’m ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/86 "2004-12-23T00:24:12Z")
Ignore that “I’m” at the ending of my last post. I hit “enter” before I could delete it. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/87 "2004-12-23T00:59:07Z")
Wait till after Christmas. Your chances will increase again. When I was calling to get my first date with my wife, it was in May and college finals were looming on the horizon and she put me off. I persisted and called her after and got my first date in late June or early July. Don’t give up yet…just wait until it seems a little less busier. ---
**Author:** ![buns3000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@buns3000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buns3000)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2004, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/88 "2004-12-23T03:17:18Z")
I’ll second that. I’m not ready for this thread to die, anyway. I once went out with a young lady who, while going out with me, was being rather nobly pursued by another chap. The young lady told me most emphatically on a number of occasions that this other chap would never win her affections as he was most undesirable to her and she had no interest in him. She also told him this on numerous occasions. For unrelated reasons, the young lady and I parted company and within about 18 months she and this other dude were married. How about that! Now, their marriage was a disaster and they got divorced very promptly after marrying… but thats not the point. Point is, sometimes the young lady likes to see how keen the young fellow is by putting a few obstacles in his way. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2004, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/89 "2004-12-24T01:46:22Z")
> [@buns3000](#): > > Now, their marriage was a disaster and they got divorced very promptly after marrying… but thats not the point. Point is, sometimes the young lady likes to see how keen the young fellow is by putting a few obstacles in his way. 😉 I’ve heard of other women doing that, but at the same time pursuing someone who isn’t interested in you can be dangerous. You can get labeled a stalker, dense or a creep or something like that and while spending time on her women who may be more receptive are being passed over. I personally don’t think its worth the risk so I usually meekly walk away at the first rejection. Maybe other people think the risk is worth it though. ---
**Author:** ![buns3000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c89c15/32.png) [@buns3000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buns3000)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2004, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/90 "2004-12-24T02:14:03Z")
**Wesley** , I hear you and I am with you. Its a fine line between persistence and stalking if you keep going back after a no or two. ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2004, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/91 "2004-12-24T07:16:27Z")
JoeSki, have you seen her at work? How has she acted? Does she talk to you more/less than before? ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/92 "2004-12-27T18:44:42Z")
> [@Wesley Clark](#): > > I’ve heard of other women doing that, but at the same time pursuing someone who isn’t interested in you can be dangerous. You can get labeled a stalker, dense or a creep or something like that and while spending time on her women who may be more receptive are being passed over. I personally don’t think its worth the risk so I usually meekly walk away at the first rejection. Maybe other people think the risk is worth it though. True, but **JoeSki** can easily counter this time around with “I can understand this time of the year can be stressful for everyone, so I thought I could ask again after Christmas has passed.” Use a very plausable reason and I guarantee you it would not be considered “stalkish”. **JoeSki** can weigh those options (risks), but right now, I don’t think he should be down for the count. ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/93 "2004-12-29T06:06:29Z")
Sorry for the lack of replies and updates; I’ve been getting over Christmas. Still am for that matter. Spending money, refunding gifts, trying to pass out and buy gifts for friends still, and so on. My mom’s been baby sitting my aunt’s dog, so I’ve got the apartment to myself. It’s amazing how productive I can be when left by myself. I’ve been doing sit ups, jumping jacks, lifting weights, and reading constantly while listening to Green Day’s American Idiot album. Good times, good times. I’ve been full of energy 😃 . > [@Wesley Clark](#): > > I’ve heard of other women doing that, but at the same time pursuing someone who isn’t interested in you can be dangerous. You can get labeled a stalker, dense or a creep or something like that and while spending time on her women who may be more receptive are being passed over. I personally don’t think its worth the risk so I usually meekly walk away at the first rejection. Maybe other people think the risk is worth it though. I agree with you and **Buns3000** , but she didn’t say no…she gave me her phone number. And it’s hard to tell if she did so to not make a scene, or if she was actually interested. So I think inviting her out for a third time over the phone is ok. > [@Duderdude2](#): > > JoeSki, have you seen her at work? How has she acted? Does she talk to you more/less than before? Well, right before Christmas she was talking to me less, and every moment I spent around her seemed akward as hell. No attempt at eye contact was made from either of us, no smiles, and no one tried get a conversation going. Of course, we were both horribly busy, and I imagine she was just as miserable as I was given our hellish working conditions. But it still felt akward, and I wasn’t sure whether to take any of it personal. I mean, since I expressed some interest in her, she has not yet reflected any of this interest back. Of course, given the time of the year, this was understandable. She couldn’t very well tell a customer to “Hold on a sec” while she upheld a conversation with me. There’s been very little talk, and very little opporunity _to_ talk. Still, there was some room for acknowledgment, and the feeling that I was being avoided off work felt real. Also, it’s really hard striking up a worthwhile conversation with this person given the circumstances. All of our small talk in the past has involved our jobs. I feel we’ve said about as much as we can regarding our work as the usual time restriction (the amount of time either of us have untill we’re nabbed by a customer in need of assitence) allows. I’m concerned I may start to sound boring if I bring up the same topic any more than I already have. I’ve been at a lost for words lately. I’d have plenty to ask and say given a hour with her, but what can you do with a minute, or even less? Now that Christmas is over, she seems happier, looks directly at me when I’m present, and will even initiate a gretting. I’m still at a lost for words, and pretty disoriented about this sudden turn in demeanor. > [@Yeticus Rex](#): > > True, but **JoeSki** can easily counter this time around with “I can understand this time of the year can be stressful for everyone, so I thought I could ask again after Christmas has passed.” Use a very plausable reason and I guarantee you it would not be considered “stalkish”. **JoeSki** can weigh those options (risks), but right now, I don’t think he should be down for the count. Well, I’m going to give it one more try. Tommorrow I’m going to drive around and look for a nice place to play pool, and run a few errands. If I can find a good place for billards (or something else equally as fun) before it get’s too late, I’ll give her a call. If not, I’ll continue looking for something to do, and call her Friday. ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/94 "2004-12-29T06:21:26Z")
> [@JoeSki](#): > > Well, I’m going to give it one more try. Tommorrow I’m going to drive around and look for a nice place to play pool, and run a few errands. If I can find a good place for billards (or something else equally as fun) before it get’s too late, I’ll give her a call. If not, I’ll continue looking for something to do, and call her Friday. Do you really want to ask her once more, while you’re working at the same location? You said it felt really awkward working with her shortly after asking her. I can’t imagine things will be any better were you to try it again, and she declines. Personally, I wouldn’t ask again unless I was prepared to find a new job. But that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/95 "2004-12-29T06:41:49Z")
We work in seperate departments, so it’s really not too big of a deal. We see each other in the back of the store sometimes, and when we (the deli) need sub rolls from the bakery, or have to return the cart we use to carry the rolls back to the bakery. It’s akward, but not intolerable. ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/96 "2004-12-29T06:43:06Z")
> [@JoeSki](#): > > We work in seperate departments, so it’s really not too big of a deal. We see each other in the back of the store sometimes, and when we (the deli) need sub rolls from the bakery, or have to return the cart we use to carry the rolls back to the bakery. It’s akward, but not intolerable. Ooh, ok. I was under the impression you worked in a small store. Carry on with whatever you’re comfortable with then. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/97 "2004-12-29T06:58:26Z")
I would now advise you to not ask her out again. Give her a piece of paper with your number on it. Tell her you are still interested in going out with her but it has proved such a pain in the ass that it is now up to her to work it out. You are willing to go for a coffee but now she has to pay. Be light-hearted about it and then forget it. It is no novelty for people to become disdainful of their admirers particularly if they are persistent and start to appear needy. ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/98 "2004-12-29T07:04:37Z")
> [@don't ask](#): > > I would now advise you to not ask her out again. Give her a piece of paper with your number on it. Tell her you are still interested in going out with her but it has proved such a pain in the ass that it is now up to her to work it out. You are willing to go for a coffee but now she has to pay. Be light-hearted about it and then forget it. > > It is no novelty for people to become disdainful of their admirers particularly if they are persistent and start to appear needy. Geeze, doesn’t your user name say enough? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Phantom\_Dennis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/51bf81/32.png) [@Phantom\_Dennis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phantom_Dennis)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2004, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/99 "2004-12-29T08:51:17Z")
This sounds a bit like something that happened to me at work a few months ago. I started to develop a crush on a new coworker and she seemed to like me too, and when I asked for her phone number and email address, she seemed happy to give them to me. But when I tried to call her and email her over a period of several days, I got no response. Eventually she replied to one of my emails and admitted that she wasn’t interested in dating and she’d only given her number and email address to be polite and avoid hurting my feelings. Things were a little awkward between us for a few weeks but eventually we warmed up to each other again. No big deal. Anyway, don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work out – stuff like this happens all the time. No risk, no reward. ---
**Author:** ![JoeSki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b487fb/32.png) [@JoeSki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoeSki)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2004, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285/100 "2004-12-31T17:21:51Z")
> [@don't ask](#): > > I would now advise you to not ask her out again. Give her a piece of paper with your number on it. Tell her you are still interested in going out with her but it has proved such a pain in the ass that it is now up to her to work it out. You are willing to go for a coffee but now she has to pay. Be light-hearted about it and then forget it. She already has my phone number. Called her again today, and then time she answered her phone. I invited her out ice skating (totally forgot we had an ice skating rink), but she said she had to work, and that she had worked pretty much every past day of that week and it was starting to bug her. And so we talked around three minutes. Maintaining a conversation felt like an uphill battle; but it wasn’t neccesarily her fault. We talked about our jobs, the college we both attend, and New Years, but there was no real opportunity to dive into interests. So after we ran out of small talk I said “I’ll see you later”, then there was a long silence, she said “bye”, and that was the end of it. God Almighty, I’m going to end up being the weird guy that talks to stuffed animals in his room to maintain his conversation skills. So, I didn’t quite recieve the badly written note of the banshee, but the ball is in her court now. I’m not anticipating any calls from her in the future as I think failing to strike up a conversation we both find interesting hasn’t shown me in a positive light. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-asking-someone-out-for-the-first-time-tommorrow-i-have-no-idea-what-im-doing/279285.md?page=6)