# I'm beginning to regret getting back in touch with my father & step mom **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 12, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442 "2010-11-12T16:27:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/21 "2010-11-12T18:17:02Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > And I mean that along the lines of “Shut up and do it”. I do ‘do’ it, and I pay rent, however it is quite hard when certain-step parents forever move the goalposts forward. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/22 "2010-11-12T18:20:13Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > What the hell? I never lived with my father before, and how about less condescention in your attitude, him spending time with me and criticising what I do and being over protective, is not what I call spending time with me, I call it controlling behaviour. > > I have accepted her as part of the family, if you didn’t realise, the irony being I get along quite well with other members of her family, she just doesn’t like me, understand? It doesn’t seem like condescension to me. It’s just good advice. And from what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like you’ve accepted her as part of the family. I don`t think it's ironic that she's the only family member you don`t like and get along with either. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/23 "2010-11-12T18:29:14Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > Ok so here’s the **background** > > I lost my job in February and was subsequently unemployed for around 6 months, due to some other personal problems and basically being stuck in a rut, my Dad offers to take me in. I accepted it, as he was driving down the freeway saying he was coming to pick me up, I kinda had no choice. > > … I meant to address this and then forgot. But I think it behooves the Dopers chiming in to remember that if the OP’s words are accurate, and this is how he got into this situation, then … this is the kind of man the OP is dealing with. Anyone who makes an “offer” when they’re already on the freeway heading your way isn’t “offering” anything. You may be 25, but that’s not how he sees you, and this is unlikely to ever change. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/24 "2010-11-12T18:29:18Z")
**Ryan** , this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I think your whole OP can be summed up by, “Reasons why adult children don’t live at home.” No one’s the bad guy here, but you’re 25, and you’re not comfortable living under your father’s roof because you should be living under your OWN roof. I tried moving back in with my parents after living on my own for a while as a young adult, and it was pretty much like you’re describing, and I think most of us here will say the same thing. I started getting along great with my parents, once I didn’t live with them any more. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/25 "2010-11-12T18:41:05Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m just wondering am I complaining too much? Or are they being over authoritative. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. And it’s their house, so really you’re the one who should be bending more to their rules than them bending to your expectations. However, just because you’re having a difficult time living under the same roof as your father at the moment, that doesn’t mean that once you’ve moved out you won’t be able to maintain a cordial relationship. In my experience from what I’ve seen in my own family and other families, most parent/adult child relationships improve once they are living apart. Hang in there, do your best to comply with the house rules and to put up with your dad’s less desirable behaviours (maybe he thinks nitpicking shows that he cares?) and work on getting out of there as soon as you can. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/26 "2010-11-12T18:44:31Z")
It sounds like there are two things going on here, one is that you never had a great relationship with your father to being with, and the other is that you’re living with your dad and stepmom and the living arrangements aren’t working out that great. The first one is the big one and is the one you have to deal with in the long term, and living in his house now may be doing more harm then good. If you move out it in no way has to mean that you’re giving up on your relationship with your dad, you can still work on after you move out. In fact if he has to actually make plans to see you, vs you just being around whenever, then it may sorta push him to make to treat you more like an adult who he socializes with. Not talking to your dad for 8 years is a big deal, I think this is more than just a case of an adult kid wearing out the welcome mat. If you move out it’s not going to fix the problems with your dad, but staying where you are is likely to only make things worse. If you didn’t talk for 8 years then I think it’s actually something of a success story if you could live with them for 6 months. So I vote move out and quit while you’re ahead. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/27 "2010-11-12T18:52:22Z")
Move out. You’re an adult trying to live an adult life under someone else’s roof. You’re stepping on each other’s toes and getting in each other’s way. Stay in contact, but move out. I would not at all be surprised to see your relationship with your father and stepmom improve dramatically. If you stay, however, you’re going to end up poisoning those relationships forever. Get out while it’s still at the level of petty sniping. If you have a huge fuck-off explosion about it, the damage will probably be permanent, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/28 "2010-11-12T18:52:22Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > I do ‘do’ it, and I pay rent, however it is quite hard when certain-step parents forever move the goalposts forward. [ol][li]Move out. [_]Thank them politely for taking you in when you needed it.[_]Make no mention of your feelings, how you have been treated, or anything negative.[/ol]The realization that you can’t change your parents is part of the process of growing up. [/li] Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/29 "2010-11-12T19:07:05Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > It doesn’t seem like condescension to me. It’s just good advice. And from what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like you’ve accepted her as part of the family. I don`t think it's ironic that she's the only family member you don`t like and get along with either. Yes it does sound condescending because I’m not complaining about washing a few pots or cleaning my room, I’m not bothered about that, what’s bothering me is their attitude towards me, especially my step mom, who doesn’t get along with me either. It’s not like I haven’t tried, my dads prompted me a few times to talk to her and just say hello etc, but after a few hundred times of always having to intiate it without any reciprocation, I just gave up. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/30 "2010-11-12T19:10:30Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Anyone who makes an “offer” when they’re already on the freeway heading your way isn’t “offering” anything. You may be 25, but that’s not how he sees you, and this is unlikely to ever change. Anyone who is 25 and doesn’t know how to decline an offer that he doesn’t want to take isn’t likely to change either. It’s really not that hard to say no thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/31 "2010-11-12T19:20:29Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Anyone who is 25 and doesn’t know how to decline an offer that he doesn’t want to take isn’t likely to change either. It’s really not that hard to say no thanks. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer, he was on the freeway driving down to come pick me up, in fact, I even told him come back in a few days to pick me up as a way of trying get some breathing space, but he didn’t listen and came down. He literally phoned me when he was like an hour and a half away from my apartment. I know I’m old enough to say no, however I have a very awkward relationship with my father where it’s hard to say no and I’m not very assertive around him. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/32 "2010-11-12T19:45:10Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > I do ‘do’ it, and I pay rent, however it is quite hard when certain-step parents forever move the goalposts forward. Hmm, yes, I bet it is. Sounds like a good reason for you to leave. > [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > Yes it does sound condescending because I’m not complaining about washing a few pots or cleaning my room, I’m not bothered about that, what’s bothering me is their attitude towards me, especially my step mom, who doesn’t get along with me either. Yeah, that would suck. Sounds like you should leave. > [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > It’s not like I haven’t tried, my dads prompted me a few times to talk to her and just say hello etc, but after a few hundred times of always having to intiate it without any reciprocation, I just gave up. Bugger. Sounds like a pretty uncomfortable relationship. If it were me, I’d leave. > [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > He wasn’t going to take no for an answer, he was on the freeway driving down to come pick me up, in fact, I even told him come back in a few days to pick me up as a way of trying get some breathing space, but he didn’t listen and came down. He literally phoned me when he was like an hour and a half away from my apartment. > > I know I’m old enough to say no, however I have a very awkward relationship with my father where it’s hard to say no and I’m not very assertive around him. Not a good, healthy relationship for a landlord and tenant to have. Have you considered leaving at all? ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/33 "2010-11-12T20:13:33Z")
It’s not just your father’s house, it’s your step-mother’s too. And I’m sure she’s just delighted that her 25-year-old, unemployed stepson is living there, especially when he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like her. Leaving the room when she’s in it? How insulting! I’d feel picked to death by that, and by not being able to relax in my own home for six months, having things all out of whack and not being cleaned to my standards. I’d think that an adult guest would do their best to maintain standards acceptable to the hosts of the house, not deciding what is acceptable levels of cleanliness on their own. And I’d be pretty pissed to have to resort to leaving sticky notes around because said guest wouldn’t even talk to me. I’d expect more gratitude from said guest, and less passive-aggressive sniping. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/34 "2010-11-12T20:36:41Z")
> [@Cowgirl\_Jules](#): > > It’s not just your father’s house, it’s your step-mother’s too. And I’m sure she’s just delighted that her 25-year-old, unemployed stepson is living there, especially when he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like her. Leaving the room when she’s in it? How insulting! I’d feel picked to death by that, and by not being able to relax in my own home for six months, having things all out of whack and not being cleaned to my standards. > > I’d think that an adult guest would do their best to maintain standards acceptable to the hosts of the house, not deciding what is acceptable levels of cleanliness on their own. And I’d be pretty pissed to have to resort to leaving sticky notes around because said guest wouldn’t even talk to me. I’d expect more gratitude from said guest, and less passive-aggressive sniping. Ok I’m getting quite annoyed at the assumptions that I’ve not even tried to talk to her, or keep house standards up or been grateful towards them. Oh by the way, as I mentioned in the OP, she put rules of the house on the wall even though she had absolutely NO fucking problem a week ago about them. It’s her being the passive aggressive douche, not me. So please quit with I’m an ungrateful SOB who should never complain about the way someone acts like a juvenile twat because they don’t have the stones to come talk to me normally about it. Her behaviour towards me is not a recent symptom, but has been constant ever since I was a kid. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/35 "2010-11-12T20:41:30Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > Ok I’m getting quite annoyed at the assumptions that I’ve not even tried to talk to her, or keep house standards up or been grateful towards them. Oh by the way, as I mentioned in the OP, she put rules of the house on the wall even though she had absolutely NO fucking problem a week ago about them. It’s her being the passive aggressive douche, not me. So please quit with I’m an ungrateful SOB who should never complain about the way someone acts like a juvenile twat because they don’t have the stones to come talk to me normally about it. Her behaviour towards me is not a recent symptom, but has been constant ever since I was a kid. Again, it is her fucking house. Grow a set and move out. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/36 "2010-11-12T20:46:29Z")
Which as I said recently, I am prepared to do, but forgive me for starting my job only this fucking week, got it? ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/37 "2010-11-12T20:48:16Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > I So please quit with I’m an ungrateful SOB who should never complain about the way someone acts like a juvenile twat because they don’t have the stones to come talk to me normally about it. It’s her house. So no, you shouldn’t be complaining about them putting a roof over your head. Or you should move out. ---
**Author:** ![jonesj2205](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecc23a/32.png) [@jonesj2205](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonesj2205)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/38 "2010-11-12T20:52:12Z")
Your original question was were they being too authoritative or were you complaining too much. I think one of the points people are trying to make is it’s their house, they can be as authoritative as they want. And no amount of complaining is going to help, your only recourse is to move out (which wasn’t easy before, understood). ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/39 "2010-11-12T20:52:22Z")
> [@Cowgirl\_Jules](#): > > It’s her house. So no, you shouldn’t be complaining about them putting a roof over your head. Or you should move out. So by your standards, I cannot complain about anything they do even if it negatively impacts on the environment in the home, and makes it worse for everyone to live in, right? ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/40 "2010-11-12T20:53:19Z")
> [@Ryan\_Liam](#): > > So by your standards, I cannot complain about anything they do even if it negatively impacts on the environment in the home, and makes it worse for everyone to live in, right? Right. Their house, their rules. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442.md?page=3)