# I'm beginning to regret getting back in touch with my father & step mom **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 12, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442 "2010-11-12T16:27:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/61 "2010-11-13T03:33:23Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > My view on the matter is, if you are paying rent, you are treated as a tenant. No questions when or why you come or go (as long as you’re reasonably quiet about it). No expectations of spending “family time” together. The heart of the issue is, you’ve been paying rent and not been granted even BASIC consideration as an adult tenant. If you want to be treated as an adult and you’re paying rent, then the solution once again is obvious. Don’t pay rent to your parents. Go out, get an apartment, and pay rent to a landlord. He’s not going to care how late you stay up at night and what you watch on TV or which room you eat in. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/62 "2010-11-13T06:01:54Z")
> [@Cowgirl\_Jules](#): > > It’s her house. So no, you shouldn’t be complaining about them putting a roof over your head. Or you should move out. > [@jonesj2205](#): > > I think one of the points people are trying to make is it’s their house, they can be as authoritative as they want. > [@Cowgirl\_Jules](#): > > Right. Their house, their rules. > [@Smeghead](#): > > Because it’s THEIR HOUSE and you’re a guest. So if that’s how they want it, that’s how it’s going to be. Yes, it sucks. You have another option, which has been pointed out a time or two in the thread. I’m calling bullshit on all y’all. People who treat their relatives, friends, and house guests like prison inmates who are deserving of any random house rules they want to impose just because they are living in the same house are _fucking shitty people_. That’s the point. Being a homeowner doesn’t absolve you of the moral obligation as a human being to treat other adults with respect, consideration, autonomy, and sympathy, _especially_ someone who is living in your house. That’s part of the reality of being a human and sharing space with another human. No fucking title deed gives you the moral right to be your own little dictator. We live in a world with people, some of whom share our spaces. Assholish behaviour is never justifiable, regardless of your legal status. ---
**Author:** ![Ryan\_Liam](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ryan_liam/32/3965_2.png) [@Ryan\_Liam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryan_Liam)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/63 "2010-11-13T12:21:03Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I think I must be the only person who read the OP and said, “Oh, I know exactly what that boy must be going through” and felt bad for him. The woman my ex-husband married was a controlling neat-freak who hated the existence of my children,and did her best to make them feel miserable while being fake-friendly when others were around. She had my ex so wrapped around her finger that he would do nothing to defend his kids, and ended up being alienated from them to this day. She set impossible standards for him, and would expect him to read her mind correctly or suffer the slammed doors and banging dishes and stony silence…the most outrageous example being the $600 date he planned that didn’t match the picture she had in her head,but that’s for another thread. > > Anyhow, her own kids did not want to spend time with her, lived a few blocks away with their dad and told my kids not to feel bad, because they hated her, too. If my kids had ever had to spend anytime in that house, they would certainly have been treated like the OP. > > Some people are just toxic, and I think your dad married a woman who controls him a great deal. It’s her way,or she will make his life miserable. I’m amazed he actually convinced her to allow you to move in. Even if you do wipe down the shower each time, it won’t be the “right” way. Ever. > > I hope you will be able to move out soon. What happened to your old place…did you just leave everything there on an hour’s notice? I lived with my brother for two years, and we shared an apartment, I didn’t have much stuff and so was able to pack relatively quickly before they arrived. The thing is I’ve argued with my father on a few occasions and the things he says back are always ‘I demand respect’ or the ‘My house my rules’ And guys, people go on here about how I have to accept her as part of my family, but has it ever occured to you guys that maybe she doesn’t accept me or my brothers as part of her family? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/64 "2010-11-13T14:02:03Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > I’m calling bullshit on all y’all. People who treat their relatives, friends, and house guests like prison inmates who are deserving of any random house rules they want to impose just because they are living in the same house are _fucking shitty people_. That’s the point. Being a homeowner doesn’t absolve you of the moral obligation as a human being to treat other adults with respect, consideration, autonomy, and sympathy, _especially_ someone who is living in your house. That’s part of the reality of being a human and sharing space with another human. No fucking title deed gives you the moral right to be your own little dictator. > > We live in a world with people, some of whom share our spaces. Assholish behaviour is never justifiable, regardless of your legal status. Absolutely. I have no problem with the idea that the OP’s parents are heinous assholes. I’m just saying there’s no point in whining about how we wishes they weren’t. He has an option to fix the situation - he should take it. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/65 "2010-11-13T14:33:15Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > No fucking title deed gives you the moral right to be your own little dictator. Absolutely. The problem is that there’s no Moral Court to enforce **Ryan** ’s rights. I think most of us (myself included) are looking at this from a point of greater maturity and independence. It’s easy at 35, 45, or 55 to look back at what a 25-year-old is doing and point out the lingering immaturity that he hasn’t quite shaken, but how many of us would have done similar things at that age? I know I would have. Yep, **Ryan** , your step-mom sounds like a right bitch, and your dad has some control (and other) issues. We can definitely validate your feelings, but not necessarily your actions. Look on this as a Learning Experience. You have learned that living with your dad and step-mom, as an adult, sure as hell ain’t gonna work. I recommend taking some concrete steps to getting out. Talk to friends to see if you can crash on someone’s couch for the month or so it takes to save up a rent deposit. Go talk to landlords to get an idea of what’s out there and how much it costs. Start up a spreadsheet to track your savings. Put a big gold star on a calendar for Move Out Day. Any or all of these things will help keep you from feeling helpless and powerless, and will help you to get some mental and emotional distance from The Crazy. Once you have a plan in place to get out, it should be easier to mentally step back and say, “Yep, she’s batshit insane, all right,”, shrug your shoulders, and keep on with life. ---
**Author:** ![FE3O4ENAIL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ba9def/32.png) [@FE3O4ENAIL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FE3O4ENAIL)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/66 "2010-11-13T14:40:29Z")
"I lived with my brother for two years, and we shared an apartment, I didn’t have much stuff and so was able to pack relatively quickly before they arrived. " Did the door have a lock on it? How did he make you move? No, Dad, I’m not moving. It is too bad you drove all the way over here, you should have listened to me on the phone. I am an adult now, if you want respect from me you will have to give me respect. Hello,911, I have an intruder who won’t leave my home. Yes, hes yelling and being combative, could you send someone over? Bye,Dad. ---
**Author:** ![Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamaika_a_jamaikaiake)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/67 "2010-11-13T15:23:48Z")
> [@Cowgirl\_Jules](#): > > Right. Their house, their rules. > [@Smeghead](#): > > Pretty much, yes. Because it’s THEIR HOUSE and you’re a guest. So if that’s how they want it, that’s how it’s going to be. Yes, it sucks. You have another option, which has been pointed out a time or two in the thread. He’s paying rent. There are laws about what rules a landlord is allowed to have. As soon as they took a tenant, it was no longer just their house, smug proclamations notwithstanding. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/68 "2010-11-13T15:51:53Z")
“Smeg” proclamations, you mean? ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/69 "2010-11-13T16:34:14Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > When you invite someone to come live with you it is also his home; it’s no longer just yours. I disagree that an adult child living with a parent in the parent’s home and paying rent has an equal say/share in the household. He is a tenant, not one of the homeowners. Futhermore if I bought a house, furnished it, and lived there, and then decided to bring in some tenants who had their own bedrooms but shared my living space; I would expect to have the final say in what went on in my house, and I would expect them to leave our mutual living space as they found it. ---
**Author:** ![Jaded\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8c91f0/32.png) [@Jaded\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaded_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/70 "2010-11-13T16:42:39Z")
I have sympathies for the OP, but it is their house their rules. If you cannot afford to move out now do your best to endear yourself to your step mother. Go that extra step (read mile) to make the first move. Offer to help cook dinner. Do something unexpectedly nice for her. Be interested in something she is interested in. Be the bigger person for a while. She may not appreciate it for what it is, but eventually she may come around. If no other results come from it, to people that know her SHE will look like the ass when she complains about you when you have been nothing but good to her. Sometimes having the peace of mind of knowing you absolutely did everything you could to make a situation better is worth it in the end. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/71 "2010-11-13T18:02:18Z")
**Ryan Liam** , I also think you should move out as soon as financially possible, but I have sympathy for your situation. I’ve suffered from living with relatives who emotionally abused me and used me as a pawn in their petty little squabbles, and it’s not fun, and it’s not fair. Since you pay rent (something half the people in this thread seem happy to overlook), if they can’t treat you as a loved one, they should at least treat you with the respect a tenant deserves. Until then, I recommend interacting with them as little as possible. Don’t take their bait, don’t speak to them unless you have to, concentrate on working and looking for a new place. I would also advise you to think carefully over whether you want any contact with these people in the future. I’m a big fan of boundaries, but I’m also a big fan of cutting poisonous people out of my life. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/72 "2010-11-13T19:00:10Z")
An adult child living at home with parental figures, with or without rent, is not the same as a guest or a tenant. There is far more at play here than a casual social relationship or a purely financial relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/73 "2010-11-13T23:01:38Z")
> [@Jaded\_Goddess](#): > > If you cannot afford to move out now do your best to endear yourself to your step mother. Go that extra step (read mile) to make the first move. Offer to help cook dinner. Do something unexpectedly nice for her. Be interested in something she is interested in. Be the bigger person for a while. She may not appreciate it for what it is, but eventually she may come around. If no other results come from it, to people that know her SHE will look like the ass when she complains about you when you have been nothing but good to her. I get the perception that some respondents have never encountered or been in regular contact with a self-pitying, passive-aggressive professional victim like that described by the o.p. I think the current casual nomenclature is “a toxic personality”, but in diagnostic terms this has the hallmark of a person who exhibits the signs of narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder. Trying to pacify such a person by being extra nice or bending over backwards will not improve the situation and in fact will cause resentment, as you remove any external justification for behaving in such a shitty manner. Really, with a person like this, avoidance is the only effective way of coping without being sucked into their own dramatic bullshit. Of course, the o.p. could be shining us all on; this could be a situation of his own manufacture, and the other parties involved are being baldly misrepresented in the description of their behavior. We don’t have any way of knowing whether some random person on the Internet is telling a side of events that in any way resembles the truth. But the assumptions that the o.p. won’t or hasn’t made an effort to have a relationship with the stepmother, or is at fault for her described behavior, or should just suck up any amount of ill-treatment while living under “her” roof are some very critical and absolute judgments that are not based upon any information provided by the o.p. about the situation. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/74 "2010-11-13T23:14:27Z")
Yip, it’s amazing what prejudicial leaps dopers will make just so they can make fun of someone who lives at home with their parents. Yeah, I could be nice, but when the people I’m referring to can’t even bother the basic social niceties of not trying to piss of the person they are giving advice to, why should I? Apparently, only brutal honesty gets through. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/75 "2010-11-13T23:58:24Z")
> [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](#): > > He’s paying rent. There are laws about what rules a landlord is allowed to have. As soon as they took a tenant, it was no longer just their house, smug proclamations notwithstanding. What are those laws? ANd how are the OP’s parents violating them? ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/76 "2010-11-14T00:28:32Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > But the assumptions that the o.p. won’t or hasn’t made an effort to have a relationship with the stepmother, or is at fault for her described behavior, or should just suck up any amount of ill-treatment while living under “her” roof are some very critical and absolute judgments that are not based upon any information provided by the o.p. about the situation. Not one person has said the OP was at fault (except for that he claims he had no choice in entering the arrangement, which is… obviously not true). Many have commisserated with the situation, in fact. However he is not going to change his parents, and if they are as unreasonable as he describes, **there is not even the slightest shred of hope of having them understand his point of view**. That his choices are generally givenas a. suck it up or b. move out, has nothing to do with a judgement against the OP. The only thing he can change is his own actions and/or living situation. That’s just a fact. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/77 "2010-11-14T00:37:52Z")
You know what I like best about this thread? All of the non parents chiming in, telling him to GTFO. You know who you are; you can’t conceive of your single or two-person lifestyle being altered even for a moment and feel any intrusion is a POS who needs to stand on your own two feet - just like you did :rolleyes:.The “my house my rules” load of shit. And any parent chiming in with that shit should know that your kids hate you. And they’ll get back at you by choosing your shitty little nursing home. I’m not a parent, but I’m in my early 20’s, and it’s goddamn hard to stand on your own two feet in the midst of the worst recession in 70 years. I have a decent job by sheer force of will and persuasiveness and not a damn thing else. My degree means shit in this economy. It wasn’t all that long ago that many generations lived under one roof. His parents are clearly manipulative, even if he were to be lying about 90% of what’s going on. People with manipulative families can and are relating, thankfully. Sounds like the stepmom is a classic second wife bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/78 "2010-11-14T00:42:23Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > You know what I like best about this thread? All of the non parents chiming in, telling him to GTFO. You know who you are; you can’t conceive of your single or two-person lifestyle being altered even for a moment and feel any intrusion is a POS who needs to stand on your own two feet - just like you did :rolleyes:.The “my house my rules” load of shit. And any parent chiming in with that shit should know that your kids hate you. And they’ll get back at you by choosing your shitty little nursing home. > > I’m not a parent, but I’m in my early 20’s, and it’s goddamn hard to stand on your own two feet in the midst of the worst recession in 70 years. I have a decent job by sheer force of will and persuasiveness and not a damn thing else. My degree means shit in this economy. It wasn’t all that long ago that many generations lived under one roof. His parents are clearly manipulative, even if he were to be lying about 90% of what’s going on. People with manipulative families can and are relating, thankfully. Sounds like the stepmom is a classic second wife bitch. So given all that, your advice is? a)Have a heartfelt convo with stepmom in which she will surely see your side and change her ways b)Have a heartfelt convo with dad, in which he will surely see your side and change his ways c)Dude, get out of there. Those people are nuts. It’s C, right? ---
**Author:** ![Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamaika_a_jamaikaiake)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/79 "2010-11-14T01:59:41Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > What are those laws? > > ANd how are the OP’s parents violating them? I don’t know and I don’t know. However, It’s the narrative “the house belongs to the parents, therefore they can make whatever arbitrarily made and enforced rules at their whim, END OF STORY.” that I was responding to. Those posters don’t know either. I’ve never paid rent to my parents, and this thread is about a relationship that is guest and child and tenant all tied together, so we’re not going to solve anything by this tangent, but: I’ve been a room-in-a-house-tenant multiple times, and I’m pretty sure that if my landlord started making up arbitrary house rules mid-lease _multiple times_, that I would start looking up tenant law. (Actually, given that the “house rules” are usually part of the lease, I’m guessing it wouldn’t be kosher.) As it is, they haven’t, and I don’t know how. You’re a lawyer, right? Do you know? ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442/80 "2010-11-14T02:00:06Z")
Most definitely C. In fact, I agree with your advice entirely. My problem is with the people who are saying he’s a jerk and inconsiderate and unsympathetic entirely. ETA: In reference to **Hello Again** ’s post. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-beginning-to-regret-getting-back-in-touch-with-my-father-step-mom/560442.md?page=5)