# I'm being forced to spank it in public **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 19, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652 "2005-05-19T23:19:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/21 "2005-05-20T12:45:04Z")
Seriously, how many _girl parts_ does the missus have? Inquiring minds would like to know… ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/22 "2005-05-20T12:47:21Z")
> [@Siddhartha Vicious](#): > > The little lady (“Nancy”) and I are trying to have another kid. We have a 4 year old girl, and have been trying for the last two years to have another. Besides one miscarriage, no dice. > > So, the little lady went to the lady doctor, who probed her girly parts, including her hoohaa and snicker-lala. Ran some tests, that sort of thing. The doctor said, just to be sure, I should give a sperm sample as well. Maybe the little Sidds aren’t up to snuff. > > But there is a hitch (oh, you knew one was coming). We live in a very small town with no practicing girly doctors. My wife’s doctor lives in a town about 45 minutes away. I have to squirt my boys in a cup and get it to the doctor in under 30 minutes, lest they stop their squirming. > > The little lady, sensitive lass that she is, tells the doctor this. The doctor suggests that we drive to the city where she practices, go to the park, and jerk off in the bathroom, a la George Michael. > > I refuse to abuse myself in the bathroom at the park. Especially that park. It doesn’t even have doors on the bathroom. > > The little lady is becoming increasingly frantic, wondering where I’m going to masturbate. She suggests McDonald’s. We have a friend who lives in that town, and she has suggested asking the friend for the use of her home for a few minutes. > > Can you imagine asking a friend if you can pull your pud in their bathroom? > > We’re running low on ideas. I’m considering asking the doctor if I can do it in their bathroom. Or, better yet, in their waiting room. That’s the first place I would consider a fertility-driven wank-fest. They probably have porn all ready for you. In fact, I thought that’s where everyone did it. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/23 "2005-05-20T13:05:48Z")
> [@EJsGirl](#): > > No real doc would want you to give the sample anywhere but in the office. That sounds VERY strange. Does the doc look anything like Ashton Kutcher? Not so. Years ago, when I was married, my wife and I were doing the same thing. Or doctor worked in the EVMS complex of the Jones Institute for Reproductive Health. She had me fill the cup before we came in on several occasions. And you can’t get any more real or respectable in this field than at that clinic. ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/24 "2005-05-20T13:12:28Z")
I just can’t believe that I’ve been referring to my Snicker-lala incorrectly all these years. Thank you **Siddhartha Vicious** for so bravely fighting ignorance. You, sir, are my hero. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/25 "2005-05-20T13:15:48Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > I have to second this opinion! Specimen collection should be done at a doctor’s office or other professional facility. Any doc who recommends masturbating in a public restroom needs to be reported to the state Medical Examining Board. > > QtM, MD **QtM** that post was priceless. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/26 "2005-05-20T13:20:48Z")
Hahaha! I had to do something like this _twice_ after my snip; ‘produce’ a sample and deliver it to the path lab no more than 30 minutes later. Oh, and you have to pre-book an appointment to deliver it inside a twenty minute window - no earlier, no later. The timings (a drive that might be 25 minutes or an hour depending on traffic and parking) make it impossible to do at home, but when I get there, the only toilet facilities available are quite busy and the only cubicle in there has a broken lock. But no pressure… just take your time… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/27 "2005-05-20T13:26:49Z")
I just had to do one of these myself, which was a source of endless mirth for my wife. She kept prodding me about exactly what kind of porn I looked at. Anyway, the results came back pretty darn good. Apparently, a normal sperm count is between 20 and 150 million; mine was **480 million**. You women might wanna keep your distance, lest my aura of virility impregnate you from afar. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/28 "2005-05-20T13:29:20Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > You women might wanna keep your distance, lest my aura of virility impregnate you from afar. Reminds me of a (paraphrased) joke from _Educating Rita_: “The women in my family are so fertile, they can pregnant if a man looks at them cock-eyed.” ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/29 "2005-05-20T13:48:44Z")
_Forced_ to spank it in public? I do that willingly just to add some spice to the routine. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/30 "2005-05-20T14:07:21Z")
I just have to add I admire Sid V’s dedication to using the proper medical terminology _G_ ---
**Author:** ![mack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mack)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/31 "2005-05-20T14:13:29Z")
One time I had to ‘produce’. I prefer the comfort of my own home. Clinic bathrooms and wank-rooms don’t do it for me, although I’ve had sucess in a clinic bathroom. It’s just kind of wierd. Well, the whole thing is kind of wierd, but anyway… I wrapped the cup in foil, bagged it, and ran to car. Flat tire. Changed the tire. Car wouldn’t start. Messed with the clamp on the battery terminal and the car started. Hauled ass out to Long Island where the sample was safely delivered. Then one time my wife said something like “the pressure’s on!” In a quiet moment tell your wife to not say stuff like that. Good luck! er…Have fun! ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/32 "2005-05-20T14:28:05Z")
On a serious side note, I am involved in the infertility field **SV** - IANADoctor, but work with a national network of some of the best in the field. If you have questions, you should be able to email me. By the way, I agree with the ever-wise **QtM** - a reputable practice would have a room, stocked with girly mags for the purpose. Given that transitioning from an OB/GYN to fertility treatments can be a VERY pricey endeavor, I would recommend you make sure you are working with someone reputable. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/33 "2005-05-20T14:35:01Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > _Forced_ to spank it in public? > > I do that willingly just to add some spice to the routine. So, it _was_ you I saw downtown the other day. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/34 "2005-05-20T15:03:20Z")
> [@GingerOfTheNorth](#): > > So, it _was_ you I saw downtown the other day. :eek: If you go see the dolphin show at the Aquarium, stay out of the _splash zone_. I’m just saying. . . ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/35 "2005-05-20T15:06:46Z")
Did the doctor find that her insides were a rocky ground where your seed could find no purchas? ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/36 "2005-05-20T15:16:37Z")
Why, after reading all this, am I suddenly reminded of the one and only Woody Allen skit I ever thought was amusing? Sperm #1: I’m not getting shot out of that thing. What if he’s masturbating? I’m liable to end up on the ceiling. ---
**Author:** ![Tabby\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tabby\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabby_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/37 "2005-05-20T15:32:11Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > If you go see the dolphin show at the Aquarium, stay out of the _splash zone_. > > I’m just saying. . . Okay, experimenting with the fish tank, fine. But won’t someone think of the _dolphins_? ☹ ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/38 "2005-05-20T15:42:13Z")
> [@WordMan](#): > > I agree with the ever-wise **QtM** - a reputable practice would have a room, stocked with girly mags for the purpose. These magazines . . . are they laminated? ---
**Author:** ![Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siddhartha_Vicious)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/39 "2005-05-20T15:52:55Z")
> [@WordMan](#): > > By the way, I agree with the ever-wise **QtM** - a reputable practice would have a room, stocked with girly mags for the purpose. > > Given that transitioning from an OB/GYN to fertility treatments can be a VERY pricey endeavor, I would recommend you make sure you are working with someone reputable. Mind you, this is a gynecologist. I don’t know if gynecologists have girly mags. They may be a might timid with the nasty male parts. But I have a vivid imagination, and I’m certain that my imaginary girlfriend Paz Vega would be more than happy to help me learn if my love juice is subpar. As long as she doesn’t have to help me in a public bathroom. As far as fertility treatments go, we’re not certain that we’re going that route. We’re also trying to adopt. We’ve got our home study done, and are just waiting for a kid. We’d still like one more kid the old-fashioned way, if possible, and want to know if either of us are having any medical problems in that department. ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/40 "2005-05-20T16:02:43Z")
Many years ago I worked in accessioning in a medical lab. Maybe twice a month we’d get some poor sap who had to provide a ‘sample’. While we had our own restroom for urine sample purposes, getting a sperm sample tied up too much time for everyone. Not to mention that our restroom had a pocket door, and was none too soundproof. We’d always direct sperm sample donors to a the staff restroom by the ER. They’d come back in a short time with a sheepish look, and a fresh sample. Until one day, when the head ER nurse came to visit us, with a very red-faced ‘donor’ in tow. Not a happy situation for anybody. After that, we had to let them use our restroom. Professionals that we were, we’d hand the ‘donor’ a paper bag, specially prepared with the cup, tissues, and a Penthouse magazine. We’d also close the door on accessioning, and take a 10 minute break. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652.md?page=3)