# I'm being forced to spank it in public **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 19, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652 "2005-05-19T23:19:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/41 "2005-05-20T16:11:17Z")
> [@Danalan](#): > > Many years ago I worked in accessioning in a medical lab. Maybe twice a month we’d get some poor sap who had to provide a ‘sample’. While we had our own restroom for urine sample purposes, getting a sperm sample tied up too much time for everyone. Not to mention that our restroom had a pocket door, and was none too soundproof. > > We’d always direct sperm sample donors to a the staff restroom by the ER. They’d come back in a short time with a sheepish look, and a fresh sample. Until one day, when the head ER nurse came to visit us, with a very red-faced ‘donor’ in tow. Not a happy situation for anybody. > > After that, we had to let them use our restroom. Professionals that we were, we’d hand the ‘donor’ a paper bag, specially prepared with the cup, tissues, and a Penthouse magazine. We’d also close the door on accessioning, and take a 10 minute break. Is there a reason that something like the accujack couldn’t be used to speed up the process? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/42 "2005-05-20T16:12:31Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Is there a reason that something like the accujack couldn’t be used to speed up the process? _spit take_ THE WHAT? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![mittu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@mittu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mittu)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/43 "2005-05-20T16:21:50Z")
_returns from [www.accujack.com](http://www.accujack.com)_ I think i’ll just go lay down, I don’t feel too good… ---
**Author:** ![Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siddhartha_Vicious)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/44 "2005-05-20T16:22:58Z")
> [@Danalan](#): > > Many years ago I worked in accessioning in a medical lab. Maybe twice a month we’d get some poor sap who had to provide a ‘sample’. While we had our own restroom for urine sample purposes, getting a sperm sample tied up too much time for everyone. Not to mention that our restroom had a pocket door, and was none too soundproof. > > We’d always direct sperm sample donors to a the staff restroom by the ER. They’d come back in a short time with a sheepish look, and a fresh sample. Until one day, when the head ER nurse came to visit us, with a very red-faced ‘donor’ in tow. Not a happy situation for anybody. > > After that, we had to let them use our restroom. Professionals that we were, we’d hand the ‘donor’ a paper bag, specially prepared with the cup, tissues, and a Penthouse magazine. We’d also close the door on accessioning, and take a 10 minute break. A paper bag would be nice. I guess we’ll have to find one. The lab tech just gave my wife a little cup with a sticker saying “Sterilized” on it. Being a bonehead, I left in on a bookcase in our living room. Our four-year-old found it, and asked me what it was for. Fortunately, I deftly changed the subject. Unfortunately, she now knows that there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/45 "2005-05-20T16:44:35Z")
I had to engage in the same activity when we first began to attempt reproduction. I didn’t want to use girly magazines, so I asked if I could bring my wife along to assist in the process. They didn’t care, and my wife was OK with it as well. Heck, the nurse behind the desk looked like there was nothing on earth she hadn’t seen before. The only time she changed expression thru out the whole time we interacted was when I asked how many other people I could bring along as well. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/46 "2005-05-20T17:01:37Z")
Your in [luck](http://www.masturbate-a-thon.com/pages/press.html) (slightly work unsafe). ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/47 "2005-05-20T17:08:07Z")
> [@Siddhartha Vicious](#): > > Fortunately, I deftly changed the subject. Unfortunately, she now knows that there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. Nice segue. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/48 "2005-05-20T17:25:38Z")
> [@mittu](#): > > _returns from [www.accujack.com](http://www.accujack.com)_ > > I think i’ll just go lay down, I don’t feel too good… > [@Accujack](#): > > Step 1: put the machine on your penis That one line was enough to make me cringe. “Penis” and “Machine” are just two words that should never be in the same sentence. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/49 "2005-05-20T17:44:01Z")
I think that the accujack looks like fun, even if the video involves girls. 😛 And by fun, I mean probably not fun in a satisfying way, but being able to say “check out what _I’ve_ got!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/50 "2005-05-20T18:14:33Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > Anyway, the results came back pretty darn good. Apparently, a normal sperm count is between 20 and 150 million; mine was **480 million.** _Jesus!_ Did it pop the lid of the cup and attack a nurse? ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/51 "2005-05-20T18:20:44Z")
> [@Tentacle Monster](#): > > _Jesus!_ Did it pop the lid of the cup and attack a nurse? Best post of the day. The whole thing is reminding me of the whole Larry Niven “Man of Steel, Woman of Tissue” story. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/52 "2005-05-20T18:31:19Z")
Becareful when you wank, you might shoot someone’s eye out. Thar he blowwwwwwwwws! ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/53 "2005-05-20T18:46:43Z")
You are all sick, twisted, perverted, disgusting freaks. Man, I love you guys. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/54 "2005-05-20T19:45:01Z")
Don’t forget, as you’re playing a concerto on the meat bassoon, to yell: “Woooooohoooooooooo!!! I am masturbating like a motherfuck!!!” ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/55 "2005-05-20T23:14:35Z")
This thread raises the question (serious for a change) - what do you do at one of the clinics if you are unable to masturbate for whatever reason (religious, physically unable, etc.)? I noticed at least one comment said the wife was allowed to help; do most clinics allow this? ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/45deac/32.png) [@Evil\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_One)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/56 "2005-05-20T23:30:03Z")
I guess Max has an appropriate username. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/45deac/32.png) [@Evil\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_One)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2005, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/57 "2005-05-20T23:31:43Z")
And now I must share my favorite euphemism for male masterbation: Wait for it… “Ringing down for more mayo” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/58 "2005-05-22T04:42:03Z")
> [@Evil One](#): > > I guess Max has an appropriate username. This I cannot deny. And, since you shared your favorite euphemism, I’ll share mine. In honor of our former Surgeon General, who resigned amid an uproar concerning teaching about masturbation in schools, my favorite euphemism is: “Jostlin’ the Elder”. ---
**Author:** ![SlyFrog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SlyFrog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlyFrog)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/59 "2005-05-22T15:10:31Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > This I cannot deny. > > And, since you shared your favorite euphemism, I’ll share mine. In honor of our former Surgeon General, who resigned amid an uproar concerning teaching about masturbation in schools, my favorite euphemism is: > > “Jostlin’ the Elder”. No, no, it’s, “Giving the Surgeon General a dishonorable discharge.” ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652/60 "2005-05-22T19:35:21Z")
> [@mittu](#): > > _returns from [www.accujack.com](http://www.accujack.com)_ > > I think i’ll just go lay down, I don’t feel too good… Learned a new word! And the word for the day is _teledildonics_. Can you say **teledildonics**? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-being-forced-to-spank-it-in-public/304652.md?page=4)