# I'm dating a woman who abandoned her two kids. I need some advice. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 18, 2015, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311 "2015-05-18T16:41:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/61 "2015-05-20T03:19:04Z")
My aunt got married in order to escape her parents. Eventually they separated and divorced, with the husband fighting both just to hurt her. After some hookups and years of being “the other woman” (she broke that up when he started doing cocaine, “I couldn’t keep up with that rythm”), eventually she met a guy who told her “I want you, but I have no interest in your children”. She left my cousins in the tender care of the same parents she’d fled. Both cousins are pretty fucked up; she’s developed the family’s ability to ignore what’s in front of her nose to uncanny levels, he eventually got fixed but it took things like a short stint in jail that woke him up and made him grow about 15 years in a month. Neither of them ever had a personal relationship with the stepfather, even though Ray moved in with them… 25 years ago? Yeah, 25, and lived with or near them for 20 years. Aunt and second husband were together for almost 30 years, until his death. I don’t think either of them was/is a particularly nice person, but apparently they happened to be right for each other. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/62 "2015-05-20T03:22:41Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > You are assuming she wanted to be pregnant and give birth to those children. She may not have had easy access to an abortion. A lot of women get conned into having kids they don’t want by their SO and their SO’s families. If they later realize what a trap they’ve fallen into and somehow manage to escape, I can’t fault them for not looking back. My bad. I apologise for not checking if the woman was a slave or not at the time of her giving birth.:rolleyes: Or a minor or a mental defective. Because, absent those factors, there is no excuse.You divorce your spouse. Not your kids. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/63 "2015-05-20T04:43:39Z")
> [@Marion\_Wormer](#): > > A word of advice that all men should remember: Beauty doesn’t last. Neither do relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/64 "2015-05-20T04:59:18Z")
The late Joan Rivers was kind of like this. She had a daughter though Melissa Rivers was raised by others. What was weird is Joan would forget all about her, then have these emotional fits when she would run back and be super-mother. Then she would want to go back onto the road or do her wild life and forget her own daughter. Once she had to be introduced to her at a party. Although later on as an adult Joan and Melissa seemed to work well together. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/65 "2015-05-20T05:55:15Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > My aunt got married in order to escape her parents. > > Eventually they separated and divorced, with the husband fighting both just to hurt her. After some hookups and years of being “the other woman” (she broke that up when he started doing cocaine, “I couldn’t keep up with that rythm”), eventually she met a guy who told her “I want you, but I have no interest in your children”. > > She left my cousins in the tender care of the same parents she’d fled. Both cousins are pretty fucked up; she’s developed the family’s ability to ignore what’s in front of her nose to uncanny levels, he eventually got fixed but it took things like a short stint in jail that woke him up and made him grow about 15 years in a month. Neither of them ever had a personal relationship with the stepfather, even though Ray moved in with them… 25 years ago? Yeah, 25, and lived with or near them for 20 years. > > Aunt and second husband were together for almost 30 years, until his death. I don’t think either of them was/is a particularly nice person, but apparently they happened to be right for each other. This story compels me because of my utter lack of certainty about who’s who and what exactly happened. May I attempt to rewrite it, speculating as to some of the missing details, and you can tell me if I’ve got it right? \*My aunt - I’ll call her “Beth” - got married in order to escape her parents. Beth had two children, a boy and a girl (my cousins Jimmy and Janet). Beth and her husband eventually separated and divorced; her husband resisted both steps just to hurt her. Following the divorce, Beth spent some time engaging in hookups and then several years in a relationship as “the other woman”. She broke that up when her married boyfriend started doing cocaine. Eventually she met a new boyfriend “Ray,” who told her, “I want you, but I have no interest in your children”. Beth and Ray got married, and Beth left her kids in the tender care of the same parents she’d fled. Both Jimmy and Janet are pretty fucked up. Janet has developed the family’s ability to ignore what’s in front of her nose to uncanny levels. Jimmy eventually matured [unless “got fixed” means a vasectomy, but I take it that’s not what you meant]. But it took things like a short stint in jail that woke him up and made him grow about 15 years in a month. Neither Jimmy or Janet ever had a personal relationship with Ray, even though Ray moved in with them… 25 years ago? Yeah, 25, and lived with or near them for 20 years. Beth and Ray were together for almost 30 years, until his death. I don’t think either of them was/is a particularly nice person, but apparently they happened to be right for each other.\* ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/66 "2015-05-20T05:56:57Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > [LIST] > [li]Wear a condom, and[/li] This. Addendum: Please try not to fall in love. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/67 "2015-05-20T07:16:56Z")
None of the possibilities for abandoning her children that people have posted are at all compelling. This person wouldn’t be in my life in _any_ way. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/68 "2015-05-20T12:07:14Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the law less black and white than that? He is legally entitled to alimony, but he has the freedom to refuse it. It sounds like the parents both agreed that there would be no alimony and no contact. I don’t see how that’s a violation of the law. As ITD said, alimony and child support are two different things, and I believe that you CAN get in trouble for refusing child support. Its supposed to go to supporting the child, and if you don’t want it, put it in the bank and let it be their college/trade school/downpayment on a home/my adult child could use a hand money. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/69 "2015-05-20T15:04:07Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > This. > > I can’t really blame a woman who was tricked into getting pregnant and having kids by time traveling Vikings for not wanting to travel back in time and live in the 9th century and I’m pretty sure abortions hadn’t been invented yet back then. A man doesn’t have to be a time traveling Viking to use physical intimidation, psychological abuse, and with holding of financial resources to force a woman to continue a pregnancy. Abortions are not free (and incidentally they were a lot cheaper for poor women in 9th century Viking culture), nor is access to an abortion provider easily guaranteed. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/70 "2015-05-20T15:07:43Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Abortions are not free (and incidentally they were a lot cheaper for poor women in 9th century Viking culture) You’re way older than I thought. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/71 "2015-05-20T15:10:05Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > My bad. I apologise for not checking if the woman was a slave or not at the time of her giving birth.:rolleyes: > > Or a minor or a mental defective. > > Because, absent those factors, there is no excuse.You divorce your spouse. Not your kids. Nonsense, society may be able to coerce people into supporting children they never wanted and hate, but society can’t force love or even liking. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/72 "2015-05-20T15:14:00Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > A man doesn’t have to be a time traveling Viking to use physical intimidation, psychological abuse, and with holding of financial resources to force a woman to continue a pregnancy. Abortions are not free (and incidentally they were a lot cheaper for poor women in 9th century Viking culture), nor is access to an abortion provider easily guaranteed. I agree with you that women can absolutely get pressured into having unwanted kids. I am sure it happens all the time. However, once you have them, you have a responsibility to them and to give them the best chance to be a functioning adult. Put them up for adoption, raise them yourself, or let your spouse raise them and provide financial support. Walking away and meeting none of those responsibilities (except in very special circumstances) shows poor character. You may be in the unfortunate situation but that is not the child’s fault. So far we’ve been given no info that this woman’s situation meets any special circumstances. Until I see otherwise, I thinks it’s a bad sign and red flag. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/73 "2015-05-20T15:17:14Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > I took the statement that the kids live with the dad and didn’t push her away as being an amicable separation where one side isn’t hounding the other for money. If that is true, I cannot say what she did was unreasonable. If its not and the dad is actively trying to get money from her that she isn’t sending, then I’d think she’s the bad one. A separation from a spouse, amicable or not, does not constitute a reason to abondon one’s children, nor absolve one of the attendant responsibillities. Not legally, morally or ethically. Period. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/74 "2015-05-20T15:18:30Z")
While I’m here, I’m zipping this over to IMHO since the OP is seeking advice. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/75 "2015-05-20T15:24:24Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > This story compels me because of my utter lack of certainty about who’s who and what exactly happened. May I attempt to rewrite it, speculating as to some of the missing details, and you can tell me if I’ve got it right? > > \*My aunt - I’ll call her “Beth” - got married in order to escape her parents. > > Beth had two children, a boy and a girl (my cousins Jimmy and Janet). Beth and her husband eventually separated and divorced; her husband resisted both steps just to hurt her. > > Following the divorce, Beth spent some time engaging in hookups and then several years in a relationship as “the other woman”. She broke that up when her married boyfriend started doing cocaine. Eventually she met a new boyfriend “Ray,” who told her, “I want you, but I have no interest in your children”. > > Beth and Ray got married, and Beth left her kids in the tender care of the same parents she’d fled. Both Jimmy and Janet are pretty fucked up. Janet has developed the family’s ability to ignore what’s in front of her nose to uncanny levels. Jimmy eventually matured [unless “got fixed” means a vasectomy, but I take it that’s not what you meant]. But it took things like a short stint in jail that woke him up and made him grow about 15 years in a month. Neither Jimmy or Janet ever had a personal relationship with Ray, even though Ray moved in with them… 25 years ago? Yeah, 25, and lived with or near them for 20 years. > > Beth and Ray were together for almost 30 years, until his death. I don’t think either of them was/is a particularly nice person, but apparently they happened to be right for each other.\* I’m still having trouble following along. But I’m mostly confused by the end parts. So Jimmy and Janet never had a personal relationship with Ray even though he lived with them for 20 years? While he was still married to Beth? So Beth lived with her kids? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/76 "2015-05-20T15:49:53Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I agree with you that women can absolutely get pressured into having unwanted kids. I am sure it happens all the time. However, once you have them, you have a responsibility to them and to give them the best chance to be a functioning adult. Put them up for adoption, raise them yourself, or let your spouse raise them and provide financial support. Walking away and meeting none of those responsibilities (except in very special circumstances) shows poor character. You may be in the unfortunate situation but that is not the child’s fault. > > So far we’ve been given no info that this woman’s situation meets any special circumstances. Until I see otherwise, I thinks it’s a bad sign and red flag. And its only fair, after all, men get stuck paying child support for kids they didn’t want all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/77 "2015-05-20T17:07:45Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > This story compels me because of my utter lack of certainty about who’s who and what exactly happened. May I attempt to rewrite it, speculating as to some of the missing details, and you can tell me if I’ve got it right? > > \*My aunt - I’ll call her “Beth” - got married in order to escape her parents. > > Beth had two children, a boy and a girl (my cousins Jimmy and Janet). Beth and her husband eventually separated and divorced; her husband resisted both steps just to hurt her. > > Following the divorce, Beth spent some time engaging in hookups and then several years in a relationship as “the other woman”. She broke that up when her married boyfriend started doing cocaine. Eventually she met a new boyfriend “Ray,” who told her, “I want you, but I have no interest in your children”. > > Beth and Ray got married, and Beth left her kids in the tender care of the same parents she’d fled. Both Jimmy and Janet are pretty fucked up. Janet has developed the family’s ability to ignore what’s in front of her nose to uncanny levels. Jimmy eventually matured [unless “got fixed” means a vasectomy, but I take it that’s not what you meant]. But it took things like a short stint in jail that woke him up and made him grow about 15 years in a month. Neither Jimmy or Janet ever had a personal relationship with Ray, even though Ray moved in with them… 25 years ago? Yeah, 25, and lived with or near them for 20 years. > > Beth and Ray were together for almost 30 years, until his death. I don’t think either of them was/is a particularly nice person, but apparently they happened to be right for each other.\* Ray is my male cousin. You could have saved a lot of typing if you’d just asked “who is Ray?” And my aunt and husband number two got married after Ray already lived with them, but I’d never mentioned that because I didn’t see how that was relevant. They were together for almost 30 years, married for 15. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/78 "2015-05-20T17:16:25Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > So Jimmy and Janet never had a personal relationship with Ray even though he lived with them for 20 years? While he was still married to Beth? So Beth lived with her kids? The youngest child moved in with her mother and not-yet-husband-number-two after dropping out of high school. H#2 proceeded to treat him first as an unwanted roomie, eventually as a possibly-acceptable one, but never more than that. Recently Aunt referred to H#2 as “the father who raised you”, and Ray (that youngest child) answered “no, he was _not_. If I’d been one of his plants he would have talked more to me.” Older child never lived with her mother again. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/79 "2015-05-20T17:27:43Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > As ITD said, alimony and child support are two different things, and I believe that you CAN get in trouble for refusing child support. Its supposed to go to supporting the child, and if you don’t want it, put it in the bank and let it be their college/trade school/downpayment on a home/my adult child could use a hand money. > [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > A separation from a spouse, amicable or not, does not constitute a reason to abondon one’s children, nor absolve one of the attendant responsibillities. Not legally, morally or ethically. Period. So it looks like I got it confused. What’s the straight dope on child support payments then? I was under the impression that, given the consent of both parents, one of those parents (the non-custody one), does not have to pay any money to support the child at all. If Dad is rich and says to ex-wife, “I don’t need your money”, is she still compelled by the court to have to pay something, or can the Dad refuse child support payments on behalf of the kid if both parents agree its not necessary? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2015, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311/80 "2015-05-20T17:32:51Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the law less black and white than that? He is legally entitled to alimony, but he has the freedom to refuse it. It sounds like the parents both agreed that there would be no alimony and no contact. I don’t see how that’s a violation of the law. Alimony has nothing to do with kids or custody of children. So, no he isn’t legally entitled to alimony. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-dating-a-woman-who-abandoned-her-two-kids-i-need-some-advice/720311.md?page=5)