# I'm fairly sure my best friend's wife is cheating on him. What to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 30, 2008, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425 "2008-04-30T02:08:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Shamozzle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shamozzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shamozzle)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/1 "2008-04-30T02:08:14Z")
Ok, here’s the situation. My best friend and his wife (who is also a very good friend of mine) have a male mutual friend who visits them often. I am only vaguely familiar with their friend. When he visits them he parks right outside their house. Pretty simple so far. Now, whenever my best friend happens to be out of town on work, it turns out that this friend of theirs continues to visit their house. But on theses occasions he decides to park half a block down the street. Overnight, with him leaving in the morning. Ugh. Unbeknownst to him, he happens to park right in front of my sister’s house. The fellow in question happens to drive a distinct car and my sister started to notice this pattern in his parking habits and alarm bells started going off in her head. She alerted me to the situation. Everything points to infidelity on the part of my best friend’s wife. I’m so bummed out. What do I do? My first instinct is to tell my best friend what’s going on and I think I will. Should I, or am I missing anything? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/2 "2008-04-30T02:19:48Z")
If it was my best friend, I would tell him. But only the facts of what you _know_, nothing more. If you phrase it in a “I hope it’s nothing, but I know I’d want to know if the situation was reversed…” way, he can decide whether the information means anything and hopefully things won’t end up weird between you. Then never mention it again. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/3 "2008-04-30T02:22:36Z")
Having been cheated on, and having “friends” who knew what was going on and didn’t tell me . . . Tell him. I know some people worry that when they tell a friend they’re being cheated on, the friend will get angry at them. Maybe. But that’s the friend’s choice. Your choice is whether or not you’re going to do the honorable thing. Considering that his wife may be putting him at risk for sexually transmitted disease or even deceiving him into fathering a child that isn’t his own, tell him. ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/4 "2008-04-30T02:47:29Z")
Previous thread on topic: [Pre-Divorce Etiquette: The Cheating Spouse and the Circle of Friends](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=463291) ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/5 "2008-04-30T03:00:47Z")
Ugh. I dunno. If one of my friends was cheating on the other, I’d probably confront the cheating one first (assuming that we’re close enough to have that kind of conversation). ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/6 "2008-04-30T03:14:47Z")
[QUOTE=phouka] Having been cheated on, and having “friends” who knew what was going on and didn’t tell me . . . Tell him. [/QUOTE] Ditto. I was more pissed that my so-called friends knew what was going on and never thought to tell me. I ran into one of the people who knew about my ex’s cheating in a class recently, and she could barely look me in the eye. I think this is the third or fourth time in recent weeks that we’ve had a thread about this subject, and in one of them I was the lone voice of “Tell him!” Everyone says it’s none of your business, and that your friend will be pissed off at you if you tell him, but think about how he’ll feel when he finds out the truth, and then finds out you knew about it all along. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/7 "2008-04-30T03:26:02Z")
Of course you should tell him. He’s your best friend, right? There should be no question that you should tell him. Like **BiblioCat** I would be extremely angry if my friends knew something and didn’t tell me. Only a coward and a weak friend would keep it a secret. It might also be worth trying to catch the wife in the act, so that she can’t explain it away… when your sister sees the guy’s car, go over to the house and knock on the door. You friend needs to know so he can get out of that relationship! ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/8 "2008-04-30T03:28:36Z")
If it’s your best friend, IMO you have to tell him. Try to say it without expecting any certain reaction from him because who knows what he’ll do? He might stay with her, so be careful about bad mouthing her despite the temptation, esp. if he freaks out. Also, I would not advise telling his wife first and demanding that she tell him, because she might pull some ass-covering maneuvers that will, in the end, make you look bad. Your obligation is to him, not her, as I see it. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/9 "2008-04-30T03:30:45Z")
You don’t “know” anything. You heard something from your sister about someone that you’re not sure is even who you think it is. Unless you’ve personally witnessed this person in a compromising position, stay the hell out of it. You have no idea what kind of destruction you could do to your friend and his marriage if you were, Og forbid, wrong about what you think you “know”. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/10 "2008-04-30T04:03:59Z")
Upon reading Ruby’s post, my thought is that you maybe need to see for yourself that it’s the friend’s car. Be sure about what you’re saying before you say it. Because she’s right, you could do irreparable damage to their marriage if you aren’t. But if you are correct, I still think you have to tell. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/11 "2008-04-30T04:06:24Z")
Tell your friend what you saw. You can’t conclude with any confidence his wife is cheating on him; you only know what looks suspicious. Give your friend the pieces of this suspicious picture, and let him fill in the rest on his own. You never know, there might be innocent or understandable reasons for this. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/12 "2008-04-30T05:07:03Z")
Rather than suggesting cheating, you might simply mention that you saw the “distinct car” in the neighborhood and was wondering if the “male mutual friend” was visiting. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/13 "2008-04-30T05:17:45Z")
MYOB. Your friend will not thank you. If his wife is cheating and they work it out, his wife will not thank you. If they divorce, neither one will thank you. If you know for certain she is cheating, how do you know that your friend doesn’t know, doesn’t care, might even approve, or what? In fact, you don’t know anything for certain. Stay the hell out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/14 "2008-04-30T05:27:16Z")
When I found out that I was the last one to know what a WHORE I had married, I was pretty humiliated and angry. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/15 "2008-04-30T05:30:55Z")
I have to admit the “tell him” impulse is strong, but in a fair number of these circumstances it becomes a “no good deed goes unpunished” scenario, and you stand a greater than zero chance of being shunned by both the cheater and the cuckold if they work their issues out. This is one of the reasons people keep their mouths shut. The impulse is to to tell, but he real world result of doing this often does not play out as expected re the recipient of the info being grateful. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/16 "2008-04-30T05:59:26Z")
[QUOTE=astro] The impulse is to to tell, but he real world result of doing this often does not play out as expected re the recipient of the info being grateful. [/QUOTE] What? I have never ever heard a tale where a concerned friend tells his/her best friend what they know about their SO cheating, and the BF ends up being angry or shunning the friend. This makes no sense. Why would the cheatee be angry at their friend for telling them the truth, and looking out for their best interests? Look at the opposite situation however… BF finds out you knew about the cheating and _didn’t_ tell. Now, he _should_ be mad. Why would you withhold a piece of knowledge about something that is seriously hurting your friend? Here’s an analogy: Let’s say your friend was drinking poisoned water… you knew it was poisoned but decided to MYOB… that makes no sense!! You may say, well poison is more serious… perhaps, but one’s marriage is pretty serious too! In either scenario, he’s ending up injured. You have the power to give him the ability to stop the injury sooner rather than later. I was repeatedly cheated on by an ex-boyfriend and our mutual friends all knew. And for so long, they acted like my “friends” when they knew all along. When I later found out, you better believe I was angry that no one told me. I was humiliated and felt completely disrespected by all these so-called “friends.” I would never trust any of them again, and couldn’t even look any of them in the eye again. They were all cowards. If anyone had had the courage to tell me the truth, I would have been so incredibly thankful. And it would have saved me from further injury (since the cheating occurred multiple times). ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/17 "2008-04-30T06:28:53Z")
[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca] What? I have never ever heard a tale where a concerned friend tells his/her best friend what they know about their SO cheating, and the BF ends up being angry or shunning the friend. This makes no sense. Why would the cheatee be angry at their friend for telling them the truth, and looking out for their best interests? Look at the opposite situation however… BF finds out you knew about the cheating and _didn’t_ tell. Now, he _should_ be mad. Why would you withhold a piece of knowledge about something that is seriously hurting your friend? Here’s an analogy: Let’s say your friend was drinking poisoned water… you knew it was poisoned but decided to MYOB… that makes no sense!! You may say, well poison is more serious… perhaps, but one’s marriage is pretty serious too! In either scenario, he’s ending up injured. You have the power to give him the ability to stop the injury sooner rather than later. I was repeatedly cheated on by an ex-boyfriend and our mutual friends all knew. And for so long, they acted like my “friends” when they knew all along. When I later found out, you better believe I was angry that no one told me. I was humiliated and felt completely disrespected by all these so-called “friends.” I would never trust any of them again, and couldn’t even look any of them in the eye again. They were all cowards. If anyone had had the courage to tell me the truth, I would have been so incredibly thankful. And it would have saved me from further injury (since the cheating occurred multiple times). [/QUOTE] So what happens if they work it out and/or she/her forgives him/her? At that point the cheater hates you, and may be actively antagonistic towards you socially via shunning or blackballing you if they have any power, and the cheatee is embarrassed by the fact they are still with the cheater. From many people’s perspective plausible deniability is better than being in the middle of your relationship scrum. As the very old saying goes > [@](#): > > Married couples resemble a pair of scissors, often moving in opposite directions, yet punishing anyone who gets in between them. All you folks who were cheated on and your friends kept quiet need to understand that people do this not because they don’t care about you, but because getting in the middle of a relationship mess by tattling on one partner or the other has substantial risks. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/18 "2008-04-30T06:37:42Z")
[QUOTE=Dewey Finn] Rather than suggesting cheating, you might simply mention that you saw the “distinct car” in the neighborhood and was wondering if the “male mutual friend” was visiting. [/QUOTE] This. Also, I think you need to confirm it is the man you think it is before you say anything at all - could your sister take a picture of him from her window? Not to show the husband, just so that you can be 100% sure that it’s him. Then butt right out of it, leave it for him to take any action if he wants to. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/19 "2008-04-30T06:57:44Z")
[QUOTE=astro] All you folks who were cheated on and your friends kept quiet need to understand that people do this not because they don’t care about you, but because getting in the middle of a relationship mess by tattling on one partner or the other has substantial risks. [/QUOTE] That’s why I said they were cowards. The truth may not always be easy, but it’s always the best policy. Keeping quiet is equal to being complicit in the cheating. Not telling is the same as lying, which is no better than the cheater. And if the BF and the wife make up, and you’re shunned… then the BF is a coward, and not a true friend to begin with. Anyone who would shun you for looking out for you is NOT a friend you want to keep. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2008, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425/20 "2008-04-30T07:20:31Z")
[QUOTE=nyctea scandiaca] The truth may not always be easy, but it’s always the best policy. [/QUOTE] This is quite a naive opinion to hold. There is no human being on the planet who wants to hear the truth in every situation. That doesn’t make them cowards, like you said. It just makes them human. Nobody “finds out” their spouse has been cheating on them regularly, despite what Zebra and phouka said earlier. If your spouse is regularly cheating on you, you either know it, suspect it, or are ignoring and trying to deny it. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-fairly-sure-my-best-friends-wife-is-cheating-on-him-what-to-do/447425.md?page=2)