# I'm getting married in 4 days! Advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 18, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902 "2010-05-18T16:48:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/41 "2010-05-20T20:59:15Z")
Seriously, it’s not too late to bail. Evaluate your reasons for getting married, and ask yourself if you really want to enter into this most sacred of oaths and most tangled of all contracts. Many, many marriages are really very happy. Then there was mine. I really, really wish someone had said to me what I typed above. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/42 "2010-05-20T22:30:30Z")
If anyone tells you that your wedding day will be the happiest day of your life, slap them. They are talking bollocks. With any luck you’ll have hundreds of better ones in the years that follow. If you don’t believe that, well…you probably are marrying the wrong person. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/43 "2010-05-21T09:16:17Z")
Don’t drink so much that you can’t make love with your wife. Or even cuddle. Or even admire her sweet body in that sexy lingerie. Just sayin’… It will either be something to laugh at in years to come or you will be meeting with your lawyer at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. Sorry… ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/44 "2010-05-21T19:07:39Z")
Not wedding-specific, but the best relationship advice I ever got: When you really love someone, and they really love you, and you trust each other, you will know many hurtful things that you can say to to that person when you are angry. As much as you want to say those things at that moment, as much as you want to hurl something in that person’s face to make them feel pain, don’t. You will regret it later. > [@cmkeller](#): > > When women are upset about something, they DON’T want solutions to their problems - at least, not immediately. Because women are identical, and can be easily quantified and summed up in ways that are universally applicable to anything with a uterus. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/45 "2010-05-21T19:35:03Z")
> [@Haunted\_Pasta](#): > > Inevitably, something with the ceremony or the reception will go wrong. Try to get your fiancee to understand that this is not, in fact, a catastrophe. Without a doubt. My husband has said many times, "It’s guaranteed that something will go wrong. There’s no such thing as a perfect wedding. It’s _how you react to the problem_ that indicates your maturity and attitude, and even your readiness to be married. The flowers are the wrong color? Get them replaced if you can; get over it if you can’t. > [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Because women are identical, and can be easily quantified and summed up in ways that are universally applicable to anything with a uterus. :rolleyes: Of course not. But I agree 100% with what **cmkeller** and **Salem** said – for me. If I’m telling my husband about a problem I have, I want him to listen to me. If I need advice, I will ask: “Do you think I should use the strychnine or the arsenic?” Otherwise, what they said. For me. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/46 "2010-05-21T19:49:49Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > Of course not. But I agree 100% with what **cmkeller** and **Salem** said – for me. Exactly. Hell, I know lots of women for whom it would be applicable. It’s just an automatic knee-jerk bile-rising in my throat whenever I see someone say “all women” or “all men” about something like this. 'Cause some women _do_, in fact, really want advice right then, and not just for you to make agreeable noises. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/47 "2010-05-21T20:22:26Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Not wedding-specific, but the best relationship advice I ever got: > > When you really love someone, and they really love you, and you trust each other, you will know many hurtful things that you can say to to that person when you are angry. As much as you want to say those things at that moment, as much as you want to hurl something in that person’s face to make them feel pain, don’t. You will regret it later.\ Yup. There is only so much tearing-down a relationship can take, and saying hurtful things to each other tears down a relationship. I don’t want solutions from my husband when I’m mad and upset, either. I want him to commiserate with me, and let me know that no matter what, no matter how much I lose my mind, he’s on my side (he’s not always great at this - I _know_ he’s always on my side, but sometimes he rationally points out the other side’s good points while I’m mad - not the right time, dear). But you probably know by now what kind of wife you have, if she wants advice or if she wants a shoulder to cry on. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/48 "2010-05-21T21:56:09Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > You’ll probably be too tired for great, life-changing sex on your wedding night - it’s not a harbinger of things to come. You’re just tired. We were too tired for ANY sex on our wedding night–we just snuggled in the in-room hot tub and then went to sleep. We had awesome sex the next morning, though 🙂 There is nothing wrong with not consummating the marriage that night. Marriage in general, my advice is definitely when you’re mad and an argument is spiraling out of control, agree to reschedule it and let it go for the moment. Say “let’s talk about this tomorrow” or whatever. Nine times out of ten, when that scheduled time comes, you will both agree that the whole thing just isn’t worth revisiting. Or if it is, then you will be in a much more rational frame of mind to discuss it. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/49 "2010-05-21T22:05:31Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Exactly. Hell, I know lots of women for whom it would be applicable. It’s just an automatic knee-jerk bile-rising in my throat whenever I see someone say “all women” or “all men” about something like this. 'Cause some women _do_, in fact, really want advice right then, and not just for you to make agreeable noises. You’re of course correct-- everyone is different. But I think the default for many men is “instantly go to work on fixing this problem” and the default for many women is “just let me get this off my chest.” And it’s not that I never want advice, but if I do, I’m quite clear about saying, “What do you think? Should I do this or that?” And what that all boils down to is the need to communicate clearly so neither party are defaulting to what they “think” is right or no one is expected to read another’s mind and no one’s disappointed when that just doesn’t happen. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2010, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/50 "2010-05-22T01:33:58Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Not wedding-specific, but the best relationship advice I ever got: > > When you really love someone, and they really love you, and you trust each other, you will know many hurtful things that you can say to to that person when you are angry. As much as you want to say those things at that moment, as much as you want to hurl something in that person’s face to make them feel pain, don’t. You will regret it later. Yes. The more you guys love and trust each other, the more big ammunition you’ll both have, and the more effective the small ammunition will be. And the thing about words is that once they’re out there, they’re out there. Forever. You can’t take them back, not ever, no matter how much you wish you could. You can apologize for them, you can explain you don’t mean them, but you can’t EVER unsay them. And I’d like to third or fourth the suggestion to make sure you treat each other at least as well as you would random strangers. It’s insane how many people I know who seem to forget that. All those things you learn in kindergarten about how to treat people, the please and thank you and such, they seem to think that doesn’t apply to spouses. Those people are wrong, wrong, wrong. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2010, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/51 "2010-05-22T15:19:46Z")
Eek! Today is the big day! In less than seven hours everything will be finished. Thanks to everyone for the advice and well wishes. Some of the stuff I had been doing because it seemed prudent and it is good to hear validation. Other things I have never even thought of and it may have saved me a lot of grief. After the honeymoon I will start a thread on all the lessons I’ve learned the hard way. I want to wait until she’s stuck with me 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tavalla](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tavalla/32/89_2.png) [@tavalla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavalla)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/52 "2010-05-23T00:29:41Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > Without a doubt. My husband has said many times, "It’s guaranteed that something will go wrong. There’s no such thing as a perfect wedding. Oh, there is: it just depends on your definition of ‘perfect’. When we got married, our definition was that we ended married (to each other) at the end of the day. If we got that, then wedding cakes could disappear, crazy aunt Nellie could streak through the wedding, the meal at the reception could be awful, and it would still be a perfect wedding. We had some small little things not go right, but we didn’t care. Still a perfect wedding 🙂 (It really was. Overall, we had a wonderful day with family and friends, celebrating in just the way that we wanted. And we got married. Perfect day. Even if those little things had gone right, it wouldn’t have improved the day, really.) As someone said to me, “you’re getting married, not weddinged”: keep your perspective. This is just one day; a happy day, to be sure, but it’s not the be-all and end-all of the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/53 "2010-05-23T20:14:58Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Eek! Today is the big day! In less than seven hours everything will be finished. Congratulations! be sure to let us know how it went!! ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/54 "2010-05-23T20:31:22Z")
Remember always that your wife is the one person in the whole world who you are supposed to be able to count on for anything. Think carefully about what you say when you are mad to this very special person. Remember that that sort of respect is a two way street and don’t let her treat you poorly over something tiny either. If you can accomplish this, then nearly all your squabbling will cease and be replaced with conversation instead. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/55 "2010-05-24T19:50:54Z")
Shot From Guns: > [@](#): > > Because women are identical, and can be easily quantified and summed up in ways that are universally applicable to anything with a uterus. Sorry it bothers you so much. I find that (and I’m certainly not the only one) there are fundamental differences in the way men and woman think and react and need, and while there will always be unusual cases here or there, it’s a darned good starting point for a man who’s unused to living with a woman 24/7. Look - at best, this is the kind of treatment his wife will want. At worst, he can offer useful solutions later, because the practical problem will still be there. If she IS the (very typical) type that I described, and he goes in offering solutions instead of sympathy, then the moment at which he could have done her the most good will have passed, and she’ll be upset about it, and he’ll need to understand why, and make it up to her - and the practical problem will have in all this time still gone unfixed. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/56 "2010-05-24T20:34:57Z")
It’s certainly good advice for dealing with many people in general. I just took umbrage to it having been phrased in such a way as to come off as “this is how women function, all of them, all the time.” ---
**Author:** ![StuffLikeThatThere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@StuffLikeThatThere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StuffLikeThatThere)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902/57 "2010-05-24T21:06:40Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > When women are upset about something, they DON’T want solutions to their problems - at least, not immediately. What they want is sympathy. Men think that offering solutions is a way of showing they care, because the problem is making the woman sad, and the man doesn’t want her to be sad. WRONG. The immediate problem is that she’s sad, and wants to see that you sympathize with her. If your mind is focusing on the problem she’s complaining about, you’re not thinking of her feelings - you’re doing a problem-solving exercise. Just listen, make comforting noises, and let her know you’re on her side. Once she’s over the emotional side of her problem, THEN address the problem with a solution. Dude … YES. For me, anyway. Every once in a while, my husband forgets this, and ends up saying something like, “Then what do you want from me?” and I say something like, “I want you to agree that this sucks, and be mad with me!” That always goes really well. 🙂 However, as seen in this thread, not every woman is the same. So, this is my biggest tip: Pay attention. If your wife wants sympathy, don’t give her solutions. If schedule changes throw her, don’t plan a week-long surprise trip. _Pay attention._ Take notes if you have to. This will serve you better than a standing order for roses. (Also, it applies to both genders.) I hope the wedding was lovely and you are enjoying each other! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-getting-married-in-4-days-advice/539902.md?page=2)