# "I'm going to eat your children." **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 26, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583 "2000-06-26T15:39:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/1 "2000-06-26T15:39:46Z")
Mike Tyson has completely lost control. In fact, I’d argue that he never had much control at all. But his 38-second “performace” on Saturday was too much. Before he dropped this charming zinger on current champ Lennox Lewis, he polished off another chump and, almost, a clearly terrified referee. Then the best part, the post match speech to Jim Gray, in which he compared himself to Jack Dempsey and Sonny Liston. Gray looked like he was watching coyotes dine on the queen mother. Jim wanted to tell him that Sonny Liston had 2AM shit squirts bigger than Mike Tyson, but he was too much of a professional. And anyone who makes Jim Gray look like a calm, collected professional is a fucking lunatic. I say, while we still have the chance, don’t let this clearly dangerous human being back into the country. Stop him at Laguardia, and just turn him around. Smack him on the head for good measure. Let him spend a few weeks apart from his cheering section and let him realize that he’s done, and nobody cares anymore. Let him tell Pierre or Sven how he’s going to eat Lennox Lewis’ fingernails and spit them into his nostrils and pick the boogers of his grandmothers cats. I for one couldn’t give a rabbit shit about your act, Iron Mike, all praise due to Mohammed. Go get another tatoo and calm the fuck down. ---
**Author:** ![troll3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9f8e36/32.png) [@troll3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/troll3)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/2 "2000-06-26T15:55:27Z")
What do you expect from a guy with five children named after himself? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/3 "2000-06-26T16:02:41Z")
That’s George Foreman. Not Mike Tyson. Getcha facts straight. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/4 "2000-06-26T16:05:46Z")
Yeah. George Foreman is the one who said, “I’m going to cook your children on my new George Foreman Fat-Free Grill and eat them.” ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/5 "2000-06-26T16:05:46Z")
I only heard a snippet while doing someting else, but didn’t he follow up the ripping the heart out and eating the children diatribe with a “praise Allah?” Somehow that just doesn’t seem to fit. Although, bonus points to Iron Mike for stringing together quite a few long sentences. That impressed me much more than his boxing abilities. ---
**Author:** ![SuaSponte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/67e7ee/32.png) [@SuaSponte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuaSponte)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/6 "2000-06-26T16:07:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > Smack him on the head for good measure. > > \*\* While I agree with your OP, \*\* Stoli \*\*, listen: how 'bout you be the one to smack Mike on the head. I’ll wait for you over here. V. ---
**Author:** ![jesuslynch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e99b99/32.png) [@jesuslynch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jesuslynch)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/7 "2000-06-26T16:13:39Z")
Lets see if I understand you correctly: A man that makes his living legally knocking the living shit out of anybody with the balls to get in the ring with him beats the goat fletching snot out of some tomato can so quickly that he doesn’t burn off any of the adrenaline that he worked up pre-fight is interviewed and issues a challenge to an individual he wishes to fight next using such a colorful term as “I’ll eat your children” and you have a problem with it? How else would you suggest he try to provoke Lewis? Say “Pretty Please”? Can he be compared to the greats? I think so, but only with making allowances, just like when you compare Tiger to Hogan, Arnold, or Jack. He’s no Sonny Liston. He’s no Jack Dempsey. He’s no George Forman. He’s no Ali. He’s Tyson. He **is** one of the greatest in the ring. Outside the ring, he’s not, but that’s what you get when you train men to be boxers. And a lot of it has to do with the death of Cuss and Tyson joining up with Don King. As far as not letting him back into the country, that’s just an assinine comment that I won’t even address. And if you really want him smacked upside his head, I invite you to go for it sometime. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/8 "2000-06-26T18:42:07Z")
> [@](#): > > Lets see if I understand you correctly: > > A man that makes his living legally knocking the living shit out of anybody with the balls to get in the ring with him beats the goat fletching snot out of some tomato can so quickly that he doesn’t burn off any of the adrenaline that he worked up pre-fight is interviewed and issues a challenge to an individual he wishes to fight next using such a colorful term as “I’ll eat your children” and you have a problem with it? Yes, you got it. Good recap. But add this: a man who has an established history of flagrantly disregarding the rules of his sport and occasionally engaging in illegal activity, sometimes within the bounds of the ring, once again shows his willingness to ignore the rules, even in a bout he was nearly guaranteed to win. He then uses his victory to deliver a ridiculously over-the-top and asinine (note the spelling) mishmash of a verbal assault, which would be almost funny if it didn’t come from the mouth of a thug, a vicitimizer and a felon. I can’t argue that Tyson is a bad fighter. I can argue that he is dangerous and with his unlimited resources and with no checks on his behavior it is only a matter of time before he really does some harm. I can argue that his little manifesto on Saturday is yet more evidence of a severly disturbed mind being carried around by a massive and dangerous body. One day, someone will look at him funny by accident (or slap him on his way through customs) and that person will die. I can argue that I’m tired of him, and I prefer the bravado of Ali to the snarling of a junkyard dog. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/9 "2000-06-26T18:55:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > I can argue that he is dangerous and with his unlimited resources and with no checks on his behavior it is only a matter of time before he really does some harm. > \*\* I could make the same argument for locking up Donald Trump. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/10 "2000-06-26T19:09:38Z")
Shit. I think Tyson more desperately needs a new butcher than you, Uke. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/11 "2000-06-26T19:10:47Z")
Now him I would be willing to smack on the head. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/12 "2000-06-26T19:22:09Z")
I was referring to Donald Trump, of course, not Unc or Uke. I wouldn’t want to start _that_ type of thread… ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/14 "2000-06-26T19:51:06Z")
Whaddaya expect from a guy with a tatoo of Mao? ---
**Author:** ![Grendel69](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7bcc69/32.png) [@Grendel69](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grendel69)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/15 "2000-06-26T20:39:49Z")
Perhaps the greatest column ever by The Onion was their “MIKE TYSON ESCAPES HANDLERS” bit. It had me rolling around crying on the living room floor… ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/16 "2000-06-26T21:01:46Z")
**Grendel** wrote: > [@](#): > > Perhaps the greatest column ever by The Onion was their “MIKE TYSON ESCAPES HANDLERS” bit. It had me rolling around crying on the living room floor… You mean much like this thread had me? Gentlemen, I salute each and every one of you. I haven’t snarfed up iced tea all over my keyboard in quite some time, and I thank you all for it. If I may quote some gems: **stolichnaya** : > [@](#): > > Gray looked like he was watching coyotes dine on the queen mother… > > Let him tell Pierre or Sven how he’s going to eat Lennox Lewis’ fingernails and spit them into his nostrils and pick the boogers of his grandmothers cats. **Eve** : > [@](#): > > George Foreman is the one who said, “I’m going to cook your children on my new George Foreman Fat-Free Grill and eat them.” **Mullinator** : > [@](#): > > Although, bonus points to Iron Mike for stringing together quite a few long sentences. **Ukulele Ike** : > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > I can argue that he is dangerous and with his unlimited resources and with no checks on his behavior it is only a matter of time before he really does some harm. > > I could make the same argument for locking up Donald Trump. Thank you, one and all. 😃 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/17 "2000-06-26T21:40:44Z")
Yeah, **Eve** , that one had me rolling as well. “As you all know, I love a good toddler as much as the next guy-” _George smiles and rubs his ample midsection_"-but those little suckers are just so high in fat! Finally, there’s a solution…" ---
**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2000, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/18 "2000-06-26T23:40:55Z")
Esprix: You have received my award for “Best Use of the Word ‘Snarf’” You rock. ---
**Author:** ![chicaku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@chicaku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chicaku)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2000, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/19 "2000-06-27T01:00:41Z")
Throw him in Ultimate Fighting. Try to bite an ear off and they’ll break his fucking leg. I like Tyson though, he is one crazy son of a bitch, but stupid. He is dangerous cause he is stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Shadenwawa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Shadenwawa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadenwawa)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2000, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/20 "2000-06-27T01:14:30Z")
> [@](#): > > I can argue that he is dangerous and with his unlimited resources and with no checks on his behavior it is only a matter of time before he really does some harm. Yep. In fact, he already has. Remember this guy served for 3 or so years as a convicted **rapist** and for another three months last year for beating on some motorists. It’s not like this guy _might_ cause trouble, it’s that he _actively_ causes trouble. And those are only the things of which he’s been convicted. -S ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2000, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583/21 "2000-06-27T13:55:24Z")
Thanks, all—I’m just amazed I got to that joke before Ike did. Isn’t it nice to know that Mike Tyson has somehow brought out the “Algonquin Round Table” in all of us? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-eat-your-children/23583.md?page=2)