# I'm going to have a gay/straight/open marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 15, 2010, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220 "2010-12-15T10:00:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/21 "2010-12-15T17:02:32Z")
> [@RalfCoder](#): > > First - listen to what MarkXXX says. Paint that on your bedroom ceiling right above the bed if you have to. Have a bowl of condoms handy, and make a game out of putting them on if that’s what it takes. But use them. Good advice for any couple in an open relationship > [@](#): > > Second - don’t do anything irreversible or hard to change for at least the first 2-3 years. My main thought here is having a kid. Divorce is hardest on the kids, and there’s no need to inflict this sort of pain needlessly. There’s time - if you can make a relationship work and stay together after 3, or better yet 5 years, then think about it at that time. Otherwise, part as adults, divide things rationally and with a minimum of histrionics, and move on. > > That 2nd recommendation applies to other things like buying a house, etc, but that’s pretty minor when compared to having a baby together. Still, think about that, too! Good advice for anyone, period. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/22 "2010-12-15T17:12:32Z")
> [@jonesj2205](#): > > How did you go from not seeing each other for a year and a half to married? Seems like there’s parts of the story missing there. Calling Paul Harvey… ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/23 "2010-12-15T17:28:04Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Why are you marrying, again? Sounds like you want to drop a bombshell on your relatives and watch them explode. Wrong: > [@erleichda](#): > > I am considering the best way for us to come out, because I don’t want to have to lie about my husband. > So this post is my practice explaining the whole thing. I say the more openness the better. Unless you’re a can of Skoal, in which case I recommend remaining sealed to preserve freshness. I encourage you 100% to get married. Life is too short to not do whatever the hell you want to all the time. Certainly nobody on this board is able to diagnose your relationships/emotions, and since you at no point asked them to, shouldn’t. I’m interested in your sex situation, much like I am with everybody’s. Is it going to be open to the point of _oh and was he good?_ or open to the point of _oh and can I come along?_ ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/24 "2010-12-15T18:15:17Z")
> [@erleichda](#): > > We decided to get married on Thanksgiving. That’s a terrible day to have a wedding. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/25 "2010-12-15T18:19:40Z")
Anyone else surprised the OP has been here since 2008? After reading the OP I was sure it would have a join date of Dec 2010. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/26 "2010-12-15T18:20:14Z")
> [@Hal\_Briston](#): > > That’s a terrible day to have a wedding. Well, compared to the rest of this plan it’s quite sensible. When I saw the thread title I assumed this would be about health insurance or wanting a next-of-kin it’s next to impossible for estranged relatives to challenge. To the OP: I wish you the best of luck, but with all due respect this sounds like a sitcom plot or an SNL sketch. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/27 "2010-12-15T18:27:36Z")
I’m (surprised? annoyed? rolling my eyes?) at all of the people who are appalled at this. Hasn’t the right to express your sexuality however you want to been an ongoing theme for the past 30 or more years? Sex is an integral part of marriage, but it ain’t the only reason for it. Now, if the OP had said that her marriage was going to be celibate, I might question why she was getting married, but that has nothing to do with how open the marriage is, or the prevailing sexuality of either partner. If you haven’t been in an open relationship, or known someone well who has, you probably don’t understand the dynamics and factors at all. My first marriage was semi-open (no full-penetration sex, but some actions that fall under the more liberal concepts of sex)\*. My second marriage isn’t open, but that it because it’s not something that works for **me** (or my husband, for that matter), not because it simply can’t work. I would much rather see a couple in an open relationship than someone having an affair. I don’t have much more advice to offer than what has already been said, except that it is very important that you start with and maintain good emotional and relationship health, even more so than most couples. It’s easy to use your other relationships to escape problems in your primary relationship, but that’s not good for anyone involved. \*and no, we didn’t get divorced because of that, we got divorced because he was a [jerk](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=21027) ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/28 "2010-12-15T19:00:02Z")
Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, since you seem to be the primary parties in the relationship. If anything changes, don’t let it fester: tell each other. > [@BigT](#): > > Is there any particular reason why his orientation is any of your family’s business, if you know they are not going to approve? It doesn’t sound like other situations where they would inherently know. > > In other words, why do you feel the need to come out at all? Why can’t you just not mention it all? I really can’t see think of any situation where you would need to lie. What you guys do in the bedroom is your business. I find myself agreeing with this. I know the Biblical POV is kinda weird to insert here, but you leave your families and cleave unto each other. What happens between the two (or more!) of you is your business, not your families. > [@Hal\_Briston](#): > > That’s a terrible day to have a wedding. I really agree with this: it’s a horrible day to have a wedding. Not only is there nothing open, but people will resent being pulled from their turkey and football. Plus who gets married on a Thursday? I’d advise finding another day. Good luck, best wishes, and COMMUNICATE! And that condom thing? Yeah. Not an option. Protect your heart and your body. ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/29 "2010-12-15T19:01:56Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > I’m (surprised? annoyed? rolling my eyes?) at all of the people who are appalled at this. For as much as Dopers might like to cheapen marriage by adding homosexuals, they sure do take it awfully seriously, don’t they? More serious than the 50% divorce rate amongst straighties warrants, in any damn event. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/30 "2010-12-15T19:45:06Z")
> [@Ann\_Onimous](#): > > I really agree with this: it’s a horrible day to have a wedding. Not only is there nothing open, but people will resent being pulled from their turkey and football. Plus who gets married on a Thursday? I’d advise finding another day. Did **Hal** just whoosh you or did you just make a joke of your own? I can never tell… ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/31 "2010-12-15T19:46:35Z")
Maybe it’s just me, but I assumed the OP’s “Ask me anything!” implied that she’d be around to provide some responses. So far we just have lots of folks questioning her motivation, and asking legitimate, reasonable questions, with nary a return visit. This smells like bad cheese to me. > [@Walmarticus](#): > > More serious than the 50% divorce rate amongst straighties warrants, in any damn event. I suspect that divorce rate includes marriages between individuals who open their marriage up to others, so don’t trip on your way up to that horse. ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/32 "2010-12-15T19:51:24Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > I suspect that divorce rate includes marriages between individuals who open their marriage up to others, so don’t trip on your way up to that horse. And I suspect .5% had agreed upon infidelity in advance. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/33 "2010-12-15T20:00:28Z")
Friends of ours are in a gay/straight marriage, but I don’t think it’s open. What she likes to say is “you be married your way, and we’ll be married our way.” On the other hand I was seated at a wedding at a table with a couple in an open marriage. She told the rest of us all about it. A few drinks later she was away from the table and he said “we call it an open marriage but really, she sleeps at her girlfriend’s house four nights a week and I’m really lonely.” As long as the two people in the marriage are absolutely clear with eachother about what the expectations are, who am I to say? Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/34 "2010-12-15T20:00:58Z")
@ OP - great for you for right now. As quickly as you two decided that this was the right thing for you right now…I’d be willing to bet that it will end in the same fashion at some point in the next few years. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/35 "2010-12-15T20:03:28Z")
> [@Walmarticus](#): > > And I suspect .5% had agreed upon infidelity in advance. Huh? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/36 "2010-12-15T20:12:09Z")
> [@Walmarticus](#): > > For as much as Dopers might like to cheapen marriage by adding homosexuals, they sure do take it awfully seriously, don’t they? > > More serious than the 50% divorce rate amongst straighties warrants, in any damn event. 1. Actually, [the divorce rate is falling.](http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm) 2. The 50% number is [overly simplistic](http://www.divorcereform.org/real.html). 3. One need not treat marriage as a necessarily life-long commitment in order to treat it as a serious commitment. Just because a marriage ends, doesn’t mean it “failed.” ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/37 "2010-12-15T20:13:45Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Did **Hal** just whoosh you or did you just make a joke of your own? I can never tell… I don’t know! I took him seriously that Thanksgiving is a bad day for a wedding. My intentions were good, though! ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/38 "2010-12-15T20:25:41Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > I’m (surprised? annoyed? rolling my eyes?) at all of the people who are appalled at this. Hasn’t the right to express your sexuality however you want to been an ongoing theme for the past 30 or more years? Sex is an integral part of marriage, but it ain’t the only reason for it. You’ve been here for 11 years and you’re surprised by the reactions? I could have scripted this thread and the responses (I’m just waiting for Diogenes to show up). For all the talk about how clearly liberal and left-leaning the Dope is, posters here are extremely conservative when it comes to anybody making choices outside the mainstream of public opinion. To the OP, good luck. I sincerely hope this works out well for you and you and your husband both find what you’re looking for in this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/39 "2010-12-15T20:28:03Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > I’m (surprised? annoyed? rolling my eyes?) at all of the people who are appalled at this. Hasn’t the right to express your sexuality however you want to been an ongoing theme for the past 30 or more years? Sex is an integral part of marriage, but it ain’t the only reason for it. Personally, the open marriage is far less of a red flag to me than the “he’s mostly gay, and I’m mostly straight”. That, to me, is a recipe for unhappiness. The OP may have rationalized how they will have a perfect loving marriage apart from the sex issue, but I think she’s talking herself into a situation where she isn’t going to get her needs met and where both of them are going to be trying to force something that isn’t compatible with who they are. IMO, they should continue to be friends, maybe friends with occasional benefits, but each should look for a long-term partner elsewhere. I think marriage is going to poison what they have, not make it stronger. ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/40 "2010-12-15T20:43:51Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Personally, the open marriage is far less of a red flag to me than the “he’s mostly gay, and I’m mostly straight”. I’m not entirely certain that gay-gay love is substantively different from gay-straight love, aside from the sex scene (though I’m a loser with no real perspective), a scene perhaps compensated by the openness scene. Anyway, she gets bonus points for originality. Let’s not discourage innovation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220.md?page=3)