# I'm going to have a gay/straight/open marriage **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 15, 2010, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220 "2010-12-15T10:00:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![FallenAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@FallenAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FallenAngel)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/41 "2010-12-15T20:55:26Z")
Best of luck to you both. My first marriage was straight-open and it worked very well for us both. The reasons we ended up splitting had nothing to do with our sex life. We came out to her side of the family. They were confused but accepting. We didn’t come out to mine because they were pretty religiously conservative and we didn’t want to hurt them. All relationships take a concerted effort to maintain quality communications at all times, along with respect for boundaries. That’s doubly true in open relationships. Keep that in mind and there’s no reason you can’t have a long and happy marriage. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/42 "2010-12-15T21:09:45Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Is there any particular reason why his orientation is any of your family’s business, if you know they are not going to approve? It doesn’t sound like other situations where they would inherently know. > > In other words, why do you feel the need to come out at all? Why can’t you just not mention it all? I really can’t see think of any situation where you would need to lie. What you guys do in the bedroom is your business. It will come out eventually anyway, since several people already know. That’s why. I agree that what we do in the bedroom is our business. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/43 "2010-12-15T21:13:04Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > How open is open? If he develops a consistent relationship with another male, do you expect to bring that person to Thanksgiving dinner? > > Can you really knowingly marry someone who will _never_ be fully satisfied by his relationship with you? > > Straight or gay, everyone I know who has allowed a third person into their married sex life has wound up miserable. Whether it was a consensual couple inviting a third person into their bed, a wounded husband whose supposedly monogamous wife cheated, or an “open” couple both having sex with third parties on the down low: All the folks I have known who have tried this have wound up very unhappy. > > I would think that his strong male orientation would make it even worse. That’s a powerful force pulling you apart from day one. I don’t question that you are sincerely in love, but it’s easy and common to fall in love with incompatible people. Folks do it all the time, I’m afraid. The smart ones - and the ones who heal fastest and get happy again soonest - are the ones who allow no financial or legal interdependence to develop. > > I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I wouldn’t consider myself to be a true Doper if I didn’t let you know. I see unhappiness down this road you’re on. Yes, we are both free to develop other relationships. We have no problem meeting those people or having them over for Thanksgiving. We have been dealing with this issue since the day we met, 10 years ago. It’s not like we haven’t discussed it at length. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/44 "2010-12-15T21:14:35Z")
> [@jonesj2205](#): > > How did you go from not seeing each other for a year and a half to married? Seems like there’s parts of the story missing there. There is, but it would take another thread to explain it! We have known each other for quite a while. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/45 "2010-12-15T21:15:46Z")
> [@heavyarms553](#): > > I could see a gay/strait marriage working out for love, but not an open one. I’m sorry, but if he is sleeping around outside of the marriage then that isn’t love, its friends with legal benefits. We both can sleep around, not just him. It’s probable that I will be the one straying more often. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/46 "2010-12-15T21:18:04Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Really? It is impossible to be passionately in love with someone while at the same time having sex with anyone else? Because my experience says differently. Thank you. I don’t see why some people have such a hard time with this. Sex and love are two different things. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/47 "2010-12-15T21:22:48Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > It’s not clear to me why you’re getting married. If you’re both still interested in separate extracurricular activities, why are you making a commitment to each other? Why not just declare yourselves a couple with the freedom to sleep around? Why? What’s wrong with us wanting to be legally bound together as well? ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/48 "2010-12-15T21:33:27Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > Few questions: > > 1. Have you been married before? If so, why did the marriage fail? > 2. Have you been in a long-term open relationship before? > 3. How old are you? > 4. As others have asked, why did you decide to get married after a long period apart? > 5. Are you planning on going the whole married hog and combine finances, by a home. What about starting a family? > 6. Is there any reason why you’re planning on telling the family about his orientation and the open nature of your marriage? Is there any reason they would need to know? > 7. You’ve dated on and off for a long time, but have you lived together before? > > I guess my big question is, why get married at all? Hate to say it, but this has Vegas/Britney/Minelli written all over it at this point. 1. No 2. No 3. 42 4. This one is harder to answer. When we broke up before it was because we still couldn’t figure out where our relationship was going. We didn’t talk for so long because I am stubborn. Why does anyone decide to get married rather than just date? 5. Yes, and yes, we are discussing having a family 6. Eventually word will get around no matter what. There are a few family members that I love and respect that are very religious. I don’t want to lie to them. 7. Yes, we have lived together before. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/49 "2010-12-15T21:38:37Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > I’m not really a fan of remaining closeted, but if you’re marrying for love rather than convenience and are only “mostly” - why not tell your family that you’re both bi? It’d make more sense to them. > > Also, I’m not sure why you’d need to be out to your families about it being an open relationship. As long as you’re not forming a triad or some other poly arrangement, and use some level of discretion in dating, in most cases I’d think that would be very much a TMI thing for many people. > > And yeah, Dan Savage is the man to go for on this. Search his columns or podcast; he’s almost certainly given advice on this before. It’s not the open marriage bit I feel a need to come out about, it’s his identifying himself publicly as gay rather than bi. It’s not like he’s been in the closet the last ten years. I guess technically, we are both bi, but he identifies as gay, me as straight. ---
**Author:** ![Peeta\_Mellark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc8723/32.png) [@Peeta\_Mellark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peeta_Mellark)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/50 "2010-12-15T21:38:47Z")
Let me give slightly different advice here: _Don’t_ ask Dan Savage. He’s a good source of advice in many situations, but he’s actually pretty clueless about poly stuff despite advocating for non-monogamy. If you want insight from people who actually understand your situation, seek out a poly specific community. If I were you I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my family anything, since I think it’s none of their business, but I _can_ see why you might not want to have to keep it a secret. It would kind of feel like being closeted and you’d run the risk of someone seeing you or your husband out on a date with someone else and causing needless drama. So if you tell your family, by letting them know details about your sex life they’ll believe they’re entitled to other details, too. Be prepared for a family member asking if you’re sleeping with your fiance, if the sex is good, if the two of you are going to have kids, if you feel like you can’t attract a man who would actually want you, etc, etc. Judgment and nosiness and “oh god you’ll be divorced in six months” is imminent. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/51 "2010-12-15T21:43:55Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > Opening myself up for criticism: > > I personally don’t get ‘open marriage.’ Then again, I have a hard time wrapping my head around ‘marriage.’ > > If you are a straight female and you’re marrying a gay male, then … just … why? For the tax implications or something? Why not just be roomates who love each other? It doesn’t sound like there’s going to be a whole lot of meaningful intimacy between the two main participants, so really … marriage … what’s the friggin’ point of it in this situation? What do you mean by intimacy? Emotional? Sexual? We have plenty of both. I don’t get why we’re supposed to just be roommates, but my straight sister can get married five times and nobody questions that. Marriage provides benefits beyond tax breaks, you know. We want to be partners, emotionally and legally. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/52 "2010-12-15T21:47:38Z")
> [@erleichda](#): > > Why? What’s wrong with us wanting to be legally bound together as well? I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. You said we could ask you anything, so I’m asking what’s the point in making a marital commitment to each other since you’re mainly straight and he’s mainly gay. You may be very happy together, and that’s great. I’m just wondering what it is about marriage that attracts you to that union given your disparate interests. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/53 "2010-12-15T21:49:06Z")
> [@Peeta\_Mellark](#): > > Let me give slightly different advice here: _Don’t_ ask Dan Savage. He’s a good source of advice in many situations, but he’s actually pretty clueless about poly stuff despite advocating for non-monogamy. If you want insight from people who actually understand your situation, seek out a poly specific community. > > If I were you I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my family anything, since I think it’s none of their business, but I _can_ see why you might not want to have to keep it a secret. It would kind of feel like being closeted and you’d run the risk of someone seeing you or your husband out on a date with someone else and causing needless drama. > > So if you tell your family, by letting them know details about your sex life they’ll believe they’re entitled to other details, too. Be prepared for a family member asking if you’re sleeping with your fiance, if the sex is good, if the two of you are going to have kids, if you feel like you can’t attract a man who would actually want you, etc, etc. Judgment and nosiness and “oh god you’ll be divorced in six months” is imminent. Thank you. I actually know quite a few people in poly relationships. I wouldn’t feel like telling my family anything, except that he’s been publicly gay the entire time I’ve known him. Kind of hard to hide that. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/54 "2010-12-15T21:52:42Z")
Don’t get me wrong. You want to marry whoever you want to marry? Peachy. Where do I send the monogrammed bath towels? However … I’m a big fan of monogomy, while at the same time an active critic of the institution of marriage. When it comes to the marriage part – again, for me – I’d rather just commit without getting the state involved. And when it comes to the open part … I couldn’t do it. Just not for me. I know it would not work in my brain for a second. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/55 "2010-12-15T21:53:49Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. You said we could ask you anything, so I’m asking what’s the point in making a marital commitment to each other since you’re mainly straight and he’s mainly gay. You may be very happy together, and that’s great. I’m just wondering what it is about marriage that attracts you to that union given your disparate interests. Marriage, at least in my opinion, isn’t about sex. It’s about making a home and life together. There are emotional, physical, financial and legal benefits to being married. We are committed to each other already, why not make it legal? ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/56 "2010-12-15T21:55:56Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > Don’t get me wrong. You want to marry whoever you want to marry? Peachy. Where do I send the monogrammed bath towels? However … I’m a big fan of monogomy, while at the same time an active critic of the institution of marriage. > > When it comes to the marriage part – again, for me – I’d rather just commit without getting the state involved. And when it comes to the open part … I couldn’t do it. Just not for me. I know it would not work in my brain for a second. Personally, I can’t understand monogamy. Hasn’t worked for me in any relationship. I think we should all be allowed to have the relationships that work for us. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/57 "2010-12-15T22:01:28Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. You said we could ask you anything, so I’m asking what’s the point in making a marital commitment to each other since you’re mainly straight and he’s mainly gay. You may be very happy together, and that’s great. I’m just wondering what it is about marriage that attracts you to that union given your disparate interests. Our interests are actually the same; we both like men. Why does anyone choose marriage? It’s a mix of practical and emotional reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Peeta\_Mellark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc8723/32.png) [@Peeta\_Mellark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peeta_Mellark)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/58 "2010-12-15T22:22:59Z")
> [@erleichda](#): > > Thank you. I actually know quite a few people in poly relationships. I wouldn’t feel like telling my family anything, except that he’s been publicly gay the entire time I’ve known him. Kind of hard to hide that. Oh yeah. I can completely understand that. I’ve known I was attracted to men for as long as I’ve understood attraction at the very least, but lo and behold I got together with a female friend a few weeks ago and discovered I could enjoy that too. I still consider myself mostly gay and my primary interest is in men, but I like this particular girl and if we had a long term relationship it couldn’t exactly negate the fact that everybody knows I’m gay. Sometimes stuff goes beyond sex. Good luck. Finding someone to spend your life with is awesome. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2010, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/59 "2010-12-15T22:32:29Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > 1. Actually, [the divorce rate is falling.](http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm) Take a look at that site again. Yes, the rate of divorce fell between 2000 and 2007, but so did the rate of marriage. It’s still pretty darn close to 1 divorce per 2 marriages. And to the OP, I hope the two of you have a great future together. ---
**Author:** ![erleichda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4da419/32.png) [@erleichda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erleichda)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2010, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220/60 "2010-12-16T04:02:54Z")
> [@Peeta\_Mellark](#): > > Oh yeah. I can completely understand that. I’ve known I was attracted to men for as long as I’ve understood attraction at the very least, but lo and behold I got together with a female friend a few weeks ago and discovered I could enjoy that too. I still consider myself mostly gay and my primary interest is in men, but I like this particular girl and if we had a long term relationship it couldn’t exactly negate the fact that everybody knows I’m gay. Sometimes stuff goes beyond sex. > > Good luck. Finding someone to spend your life with is awesome. 🙂 Thank you, and yes, it is. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-have-a-gay-straight-open-marriage/564220.md?page=4)