# I'm going to kill my husband. Who wants to help me bury the body? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 6, 2002, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224 "2002-04-06T22:48:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/1 "2002-04-06T22:48:05Z")
I’ve been really busy lately. That makes me tired. Which in turn makes me like taking naps in the afternoon. This isn’t laziness, it’s just enough to keep me going. Apparently napping makes me irresistable. But not like you think. No, the sight of me sleeping makes Mr. Seawitch want to wake me up, so he can see my facial expression. He wakes me by throwing himself on me and screaming “Banzai!!” Generally I wake up to the sight of my beloved man, all 6’ and 220 pounds, midair directly over me and descending rapidly. I am told that my resulting expression of abject terror is very fetching. He’s done this three times now. Obviously he deserves to die. After I kill him, I’ll need a place to hide the remains, so I thought I could send each of you a small package to bury in your gardens. Who wants some? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/2 "2002-04-06T22:52:38Z")
How quickly can you bring your knee up? You should definately wear hardshell kneepads when you nap. Definately. ---
**Author:** ![Stupendous\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Stupendous\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stupendous_man)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/3 "2002-04-06T22:56:56Z")
Wait until he is taking a shower. Fill a bucket with Water and liberally add ice to make it nice and cold. Enter bathroom. Toss water over shower curtain while yelling Bonsai! Alternative Idea: Wait until the shower water stops running. When he steps out, squeeze a bottle of baby powder all over him while yelling Bonsai! Remember to not be heard while he’s in the shower. That’s a good start I guess… ---
**Author:** ![happyheathen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5e925/32.png) [@happyheathen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/happyheathen)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/4 "2002-04-06T23:02:42Z")
Ummm… just who wakes up first in the morning? does he like to ‘sleep in’ on the weekends? stick pick-up sticks in the cushions around you while napping? [sub]jes thinking…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/5 "2002-04-06T23:21:25Z")
Goddamn it. He just came home and told me he lost his job. When I started to tremble and stutter, he said “Just kidding!” Kneepads won’t help. I don’t want to hurt him, I just think he needs to die. ---
**Author:** ![ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c77e96/32.png) [@ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChoosyChipsAndCeilingWhacks)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/6 "2002-04-06T23:25:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by seawitch \* > \*\*Kneepads won’t help. I don’t want to hurt him, I just think he needs to die. \*\* No, no! He deserves to suffer first. I second the cold water over the top of the shower trick. But I think you should get your own battle cry. Let him have “Bonsai!” It’s stupid. I think you should try something unique. Maybe something starting with the letter F. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/7 "2002-04-06T23:29:28Z")
I’d just tell him that it’s a little know fact that the last thing John Wayne Bobbit said before he had his tragic little accident was “Bonzai”. Then send him out to fetch you a whetstone… ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/8 "2002-04-06T23:29:31Z")
Offer to give him a hand job. Be sure to stock up on BenGay first. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@The\_Tim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tim)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/9 "2002-04-06T23:38:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by evilbeth \* > \*\*Offer to give him a hand job. Be sure to stock up on BenGay first. \*\* Dear God is your name accurate. ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/10 "2002-04-06T23:40:32Z")
I’ll take a piece. Just make sure the package doesn’t leak in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2002, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/11 "2002-04-06T23:55:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by evilbeth \* > \*\*Offer to give him a hand job. Be sure to stock up on BenGay first. \*\* LOL!! reminds me of one of my parent’s “stories”. Apparently (and whether this was an accident or not varies from time to time as the story is told) back when my dad used to move furniture (in his younger years) he injured his leg somewhat and my mom would apply some BenGay to help with the pain. Apparently, one day, she kind of …missed. My mom laughs whenever she talks about the way he jumped around the room in pain… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Booker57](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Booker57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Booker57)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/12 "2002-04-07T00:00:47Z")
Friends help you move, Real Friends help you move bodies. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/13 "2002-04-07T00:52:59Z")
You guys have _got_ to learn the difference between “Banzai” and “Bonsai” because, really, they couldn’t be more different from each other. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/14 "2002-04-07T03:24:58Z")
Gee honey I had a fender bender with this college cheerleader. She said she’d do a threesome with us to make it up. Just kidding! ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/15 "2002-04-07T04:01:52Z")
Here’s two ways for you to get your revenge: 1.) Superglue, leg, and penis. Need I say more? 2.) Nail his nutsack to the floor, set the place on fire and hand him a razor blade. Let him sort out the rest. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/16 "2002-04-07T04:15:52Z")
Yeah, what **GuanoLad** said. Although it amuses me to think that your husband could develop a phobia for (or at least an aversion to) little manicured trees. ---
**Author:** ![JonScribe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3be4f8/32.png) [@JonScribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JonScribe)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/17 "2002-04-07T06:10:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GuanoLad \* > \*\*You guys have _got_ to learn the difference between “Banzai” and “Bonsai” because, really, they couldn’t be more different from each other. \*\* Actually “Bonsai” might be appropriate here for the effect icewater would have on Mr. Seawitch’s genatalia. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/18 "2002-04-07T13:03:56Z")
For the love of all that is good, make sure you pay up the life insurance premium before he meets his untimely demise. As far as the remains, just don’t do anything too obvious like renting a wood chipper or a backhoe, esp. in the middle of the winter. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/19 "2002-04-07T13:13:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by seawitch \* > \*\* After I kill him, I’ll need a place to hide the remains, so I thought I could send each of you a small package to bury in your gardens. Who wants some? \*\* Does the name **Lars Thorvald** mean anything to you??? 😃 😃 😃 😃 I’ll be glad to help out. I live in Upstate New York. They find bodies up here every few months, and hardly ever I.D. 'em. I’ve got an acre and a half. :eek: \*Heartfelt Minor Hijack: Somewhere under the felonious homicide you’re contemplating, remember that there are many people in the world who wish to God that they’d been fortunate enough to marry someone with such joy, love and humor in their heart that they even **think** to do such a thing with you now and again. It may be really irritating, but it’s also incredibly fun. Fun is a good thing. Or, so I hear. :mad: \* Now then. Who needs rubber gloves, and who needs small garden spades? I’ll be glad to arrange the shipping and distribution of materials…😃 Cartooniverse, or as they call me up here, **" Mr. Lime Pit"** ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2002, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224/20 "2002-04-07T13:17:44Z")
I second that torture-him-first argument. Oh - and if you’re going to ship the body in bits and pieces throughout the continent, I advise you use Ziploc bags, but the freezer grade variety. They ship well and won’t leak. Make sure to freeze them first - it helps avoid the stench which may tip off the mailman. ::: looks over shoulder ::: No, there’s no reason why I should know this from experience. Now if you’ll excuse me… ::: runs ::: Elly 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-kill-my-husband-who-wants-to-help-me-bury-the-body/102224.md?page=2)