# I'm going to masturbate into a cup sometime in the next week **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 10, 2001, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303 "2001-01-10T07:24:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2001, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/21 "2001-01-10T19:15:53Z")
I just came in here hoping this was a thread about infertility treatments and not about you finally having HAD IT with those stupid customers at your job at Starbucks… ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2001, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/22 "2001-01-10T20:19:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Step 2: Sit around twiddling thumbs (note: that is not a euphemism for more cup masturbating)or reading Playboy for the articles for another good 30 minutes or longer. Don’t do that – the quality of the sample is very time-dependant. I worked in ‘accessioning’ at hospital lab for a while. The docs kept ordering these tests, but we had no facility for this type of sample to be given. We tried to let people just bring in the samples from home, but the window for an accurate sperm count is like 10 minutes. Our hospital was too rural for most people to jerk off, get in the car, drive to the hospital, park, and deliver the ‘package’ to the Lab in time. The small restroom we had in accessioning was kept busy with people giving urine samples, and we didn’t want people tying it up. We’d send them off to the ER staff room, there was a private bathroom there, with some magazines in a drawer. This worked OK until some smart guy brought his wife to help. She must have been good, or needed some vocal encouragement (OH YEAH, BABY! OH YEAH!), because the ER staff doc came over to complain. After that guys had to use the accessioning restroom – really backed up the process, especially for people who had to give a urine sample ‘urgently’. And absolutely no wives! ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/23 "2001-01-11T04:32:35Z")
Man, the more I read about this, the less I am looking forward to it. 8^( Maybe I can get out of it somehow… ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/24 "2001-01-11T04:38:57Z")
Aw, chin up. What’s a little dolphin-flogging for the cause of family planning? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Meephead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b782af/32.png) [@Meephead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meephead)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/25 "2001-01-11T05:30:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by spritle \* > \*\*What is this board comming to? A spunky lot you are. Are you people just nuts about masturbation? Or is this just some sort of self servicing action on the part of the OPs? Personally, I think it’s just the OPs trying to stroke their own… egos. What kind of jerk would do otherwise? > > (No, this isn’t just a bump to move this thread to the head of the list.) > > I’ll beat a retreat now, lest I get tossed off the boards. \*\* Wow, you relly pulled that off well. But, really, you should get a grip and quit spouting off about your habits. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/26 "2001-01-11T05:36:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Coldfire \* > \*\*I dunno, **thinksnow**. Seems like most of the job is receiving cups filled to the brim with sperm from sweaty men. > > I’d rather be designing bridges, myself. \*\* I’m deeply sorry, Coldfire, but I’ll never think of you quite the same way again. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![robgruver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@robgruver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robgruver)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/27 "2001-01-11T05:38:56Z")
[somber moment]While I understand the humor of the situation, it is even worse when your sperm count is so low that you can’t have children. I have had to give samples more times that I care to count, and it never gets better. My wife and I will have to go through quite a bit to have children, and it will be very expensive. I hope the OP’s tests go well and everything is normal.[/somber moment] Heh… You said flogging the dolphin… heh… ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/28 "2001-01-11T06:38:07Z")
I just want to wish you and the Mrs. good luck. Mr. Duhnym and I are embarking on that road ourselves. I just tossed my BCPs and will commence the protection-free bonking in three months. Parenthood is wonderful and here’s to hoping you get there with a minimum of intervention! ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/29 "2001-01-11T07:30:49Z")
Well, if these hormones don’t help, I don’t want to pursue more in-depth fertility treatments. I’m generally against using medicine to enhance fertility, but in this case, since it’s just a case of her body not producing enough of a certain hormone and it’s probably not that great for her to not have a regular period anyway, I’m OK with it. It should work, she has had children twice before (one which was put up for adoption as a teenager, one 5 years ago) so we both think she will get pregnant pretty quick once her period starts up again. ---
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2001, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/30 "2001-01-11T13:09:54Z")
Good luck, **Batz**. We’re all pullin’ for ya’! 😃 (Yeah, I had do get in just one more…) ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/31 "2001-01-12T13:13:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*As a starving grad student I got paid to do this ($300 for ten donations to the fertility clinic at the local el-giganto teaching hospital)… > > It paled in comparison to getting paid for it and being told that my semen was of the highest quality. \*\* When we were going through infertility, my wife had to be examined by her doctor within 30 minutes of us “doing it”. There’s nothing like a little pressure when you _have to_ do it. But I managed to and we were off to her doctor. After her examination, my wife told me that the doctor told her that I have nice, strong little swimmers. Once of the proudest moments of my life. :D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/32 "2001-01-12T13:55:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by spritle \* > \*\*He tells the story of the man who goes in and after 20 minutes still has not everged ro put his “sample” in the little opening to the other room. His wife, somewhat embarasses and disgusted, says, “That’s it, I’m going in there.” > > Three minutes later they both emerge, he with a satisfied smile, she moving her jaw around. 😃 \*\* Well this seems so obvious to me. I mean, unlike the college student doing it for cash, if your at a fertility clinic you HAVE A WOMEN AVAILABLE. By definition. So why are they giving you magazines? Badzt maybe you could ask them about this. And good luck on the whole creating-new-life thing :)! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/33 "2001-01-12T15:24:32Z")
When you go into the Masterbatoriam, for grins and giggles, tape to the back of the door in the smallest print you can, " [sub]How’s the eyesight? [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![snac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90db22/32.png) [@snac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snac)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303/34 "2001-01-12T23:49:31Z")
When Mrs. Snac and I went through this some years ago, I was not given a nice quiet masturbatorium in which to do my business. Rather, I was told to show up on a particular Friday morning with a nice sample in tow. How I achieved the sample was left to me; although, the doctor warned in a passionlessly clinical voice, if I were to produce it via intercourse it was “essential to withdraw the–ah–penis completely from the–ah–vagina at least three seconds before ejaculation.” Never having had much of a sense of timing, I opted for other means. Then on Friday morning I arrived at the office with my nice little sample in a mini jam jar wrapped up in a paper bag, feeling quite literally drained and now embarrassed as all hell, and wouldn’t you know it but that would be the day they were putting a new receptionist-type employee through her paces, so there was a line of about a dozen of us men, each shifting furtively from one foot to the other and carrying identical little paper bags, while overly loud drifts of conversation came from up front: “Okay, so this is Mr. Johnston’s semen sample, now here’s his address, 317 Hamilton, huh? Oh, I live near there…now you ask him what time it was produced…okay, now you write ‘Dr. Kane’ on this line, that would be his wife’s gynecologist…” And on and on and on, while we clutched our little paper bags ever tighter to our bodies and wished that the earth would swallow us up whole. What a scene. Badzt, good luck to you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-masturbate-into-a-cup-sometime-in-the-next-week/49303.md?page=1)