# I'm going to sexually molest your dog. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 16, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354 "2006-12-16T00:59:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ammonius\_Saccus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Ammonius\_Saccus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ammonius_Saccus)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/1 "2006-12-16T00:59:40Z")
> [@](#): > > In the court complaint, Lyonne’s former roommate claimed Lyonne trashed their apartment and then banged on a neighbor’s door, rushed into that apartment and picked up her dog, telling the woman, “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.” What a weird thing to threaten. How messed up on drugs do you think she was? [http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/12/15/crime.actress.reut/index.html](http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/12/15/crime.actress.reut/index.html) ---
**Author:** ![Ammonius\_Saccus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Ammonius\_Saccus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ammonius_Saccus)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/2 "2006-12-16T01:00:47Z")
Oops. I meant to put this in MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/3 "2006-12-16T01:33:32Z")
WTF? I just can’t imagine someone actually using the phrase “sexually molest” as a threat, even when angry, even on drugs. ESPECIALLY angry and/or on drugs. It just has too many syllables. “Fuck you, you fucking bitch, I’m going to fuck you and your fucking dog!” I could see, but “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.”??? Weird. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/4 "2006-12-16T01:33:58Z")
That’s fucking **sick!** Now, if it had been a cat . . . ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/5 "2006-12-16T01:48:31Z")
Maybe she was a supporter of soon-to-be-former Sen. Rick Santorum? In any case, it’s an improvement over burning it! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/6 "2006-12-16T01:57:13Z")
Has anyone heard from Oldscratch lately? ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/7 "2006-12-16T02:01:29Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] WTF? I just can’t imagine someone actually using the phrase “sexually molest” as a threat, even when angry, even on drugs. ESPECIALLY angry and/or on drugs. It just has too many syllables. “Fuck you, you fucking bitch, I’m going to fuck you and your fucking dog!” I could see, but “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.”??? Weird. [/QUOTE] Actually, _I’m going to sexually molest your dog_ contains less syllables (12) than _Fuck you, you fucking bitch, I’m going to fuck you and your fucking dog_ (17). In fact, if you say both comments quickly, the syllable count comes out at 10 and 16 respectively. The reason is that your example features a statement of intent not specified in the linked article _viz._ an ominous threat to fuck the woman in addition to the dog. Just for information. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/8 "2006-12-16T02:21:54Z")
Yes, but it has that angry flow to it that “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.” is lacking. I suppose I did add a slanderous bit about fucking the woman, didn’t I? I just can’t quite fathom how one would decide to threaten the dog alone. It’s just beyond my skill as a writer, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/9 "2006-12-16T02:27:30Z")
[QUOTE=Chez Guevara] Actually, _I’m going to sexually molest your dog_ contains less syllables (12) than _Fuck you, you fucking bitch, I’m going to fuck you and your fucking dog_ (17). In fact, if you say both comments quickly, the syllable count comes out at 10 and 16 respectively. The reason is that your example features a statement of intent not specified in the linked article _viz._ an ominous threat to fuck the woman in addition to the dog. Just for information. [/QUOTE] yes, but when ya’ talkin’ “fuck” and “fuckin” are not added to the syllabe count. “motherfucker” even counts as -1 syllabe! ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/10 "2006-12-16T02:34:42Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Yes, but it has that angry flow to it that “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.” is lacking. I simply don’t agree. If you take the statement _I’m going to sexually molest your dog_ and play around with it you can make it sound really sinister. If there’s nobody in at the moment (or even if there is) go upstairs and close the bedroom door. Take the dog with you if it helps. Look in the mirror while holding the dog and practise hissing the statement in the most malevolent manner you can muster. Only when you are totally satisfied with your delivery can you go out and accost women (with dogs) and scare the living shit out of them. Don’t forget the eye contact. I’d do it myself but we don’t have a dog. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/11 "2006-12-16T02:47:25Z")
I want the dog to be surprised when I molest it, so I don’t say anything beforehand. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/12 "2006-12-16T03:02:00Z")
[QUOTE=Chez Guevara] \If you take the statement _I’m going to sexually molest your dog_ and play around with it you can make it sound really sinister. [/QUOTE] Try as I might, all I get is a stupid Horatio Cayne voice :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/13 "2006-12-16T03:31:38Z")
[Horatio Caine] \<_removes shades_\> Ma’am, here’s what want you to do. I want you to bring your dog to me. Can you do that for me? I’ll tell you why. I am very upset with you right now, and I would like to express my frustration … by fucking … your dog. Do you understand me? Eric, please go to the Escalade and bring me my kit. [/HC] ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/14 "2006-12-16T04:03:03Z")
I might better explain myself if I used drama as an illustrative means. [spoiler]Plucking a scene entirely from my imagination, a woman drives up to a spooky motel with $40,000 and a dog. She takes a shower and this dude comes into the bathroom dressed as his mother. He whips open the shower curtain and the audience can see he’s got the dog. With the rictus smile he always wears when threatening to molest peoples’ dogs, he puts his face within an inch of the woman and, with gritted teeth, spits out the immortal phrase: _I’m going to sexually molest your dog._ The woman screams: _Ahhhhhhhh!_ The guy dressed as his mother disappears into the bathroom steam with a devilish grin on his face.[/spoiler] What could be more threatening than that? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/15 "2006-12-16T04:52:30Z")
I can only hear this, in my mind, in the voice of the Wicked Witch of the West: **I’ll sexually molest you, my pretty…and your little dog, too! EYAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!** ---
**Author:** ![Rhubarb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/59ef9b/32.png) [@Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhubarb)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/16 "2006-12-16T05:13:14Z")
I fucking your dog. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/17 "2006-12-16T05:23:33Z")
[QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth] Has anyone heard from Oldscratch lately? [/QUOTE] I died. Multiple times. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/18 "2006-12-16T05:30:45Z")
So is it a crime in New York city to threaten to sexually molest someone’s dog? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/19 "2006-12-16T05:43:22Z")
People, people! You’re losing track of the facts here: this was not some creepy guy threatening to molest the dog, it was a beautiful movie actress. NOW does it seem so scary? ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/20 "2006-12-16T06:02:46Z")
[QUOTE=The Weird One] People, people! You’re losing track of the facts here: this was not some creepy guy threatening to molest the dog, it was a beautiful movie actress. NOW does it seem so scary? [/QUOTE] I don’t know, and the dog ain’t sayin’. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354.md?page=2)