# I'm going to sexually molest your dog. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 16, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354 "2006-12-16T00:59:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/21 "2006-12-16T10:53:43Z")
[QUOTE=Chez Guevara] Actually, _I’m going to sexually molest your dog_ contains less syllables … [/QUOTE] Fewer. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/22 "2006-12-16T11:11:10Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] [Horatio Caine] \<_removes shades_\> Ma’am, here’s what want you to do. I want you to bring your dog to me. Can you do that for me? I’ll tell you why. I am very upset with you right now, and I would like to express my frustration … by fucking … your dog. Do you understand me? Eric, please go to the Escalade and bring me my kit. [/HC] [/QUOTE] All those gorgeous women in the lab (plus Marisol 🆒 ) and he has to resort to this. P.S. Uncanny accuracy - are you one of the scriptwriters?! ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/23 "2006-12-16T11:12:13Z")
This could be a great new catchphrase for use on inanimate objects which have indirectly caused you annoyance. Ex.: Overzealous holiday shopper pulls her SUV into the parking space you were clearly waiting for. As she gets out, you shout “I’m going to sexually molest your Escalade!” Ex.#2: LDS missionaries show up at your house offering to send you a book of Mormon. You invite them in for herbal tea and accept their offer with a gracious smile. As they are heading out the door you casually mention “I’m going to sexually molest your Book of Mormon.” Bonus points if they send it anyway. Ex.#3: Poster on the Dope makes obnoxious claim, for which a cite is quickly called. Poster provides a “cite” of questionable integrity, possibly from an online tabloid and/or a Wiki article which they wrote themselves. At this point multiple Dopers tell poster “I’m going to sexually molest your cite.” Yes, I see a future in this phrase. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/24 "2006-12-16T13:31:09Z")
[QUOTE=The Weird One] People, people! You’re losing track of the facts here: this was not some creepy guy threatening to molest the dog, it was a beautiful movie actress. NOW does it seem so scary? [/QUOTE] It is a bit interesting that regardless of it literally having been a beautiful movie actress to have done this, and not just some thought experiment, no one can keep with the idea that it’s not a male dog molester. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/25 "2006-12-16T13:51:50Z")
Was it a weiner dog? This reminds me that a doper in the last year posted seeing the neighbor masterbate his pet dog. ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/26 "2006-12-16T15:22:04Z")
> [@GingerOfTheNorth](#): > > Has anyone heard from Oldscratch lately? [QUOTE=matt\_mcl] I died. Multiple times. [/QUOTE] Oh, I am glad. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/27 "2006-12-16T15:31:19Z")
[QUOTE=Contrapuntal] Fewer. [/QUOTE] Well OK, but less contains fewer syllables than fewer. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/28 "2006-12-16T17:14:11Z")
[QUOTE=Snooooopy] I want the dog to be surprised when I molest it, so I don’t say anything beforehand. [/QUOTE] I’d expect this kind of comment from a user named Bill the Cat, but not from you, young man. I’m beginning to have sinister thoughts about why Woodstock has been visiting the “Psychiatrist, 5 cents” booth so often… ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/29 "2006-12-16T17:20:16Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] I can only hear this, in my mind, in the voice of the Wicked Witch of the West: **I’ll sexually molest you, my pretty…and your little dog, too! EYAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!** [/QUOTE] Absolutely perfect. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/30 "2006-12-16T17:41:53Z")
All these replies, and not one Doper is appalled by the use of the split infinitive? I’m horrified. Any person of the slightest taste would have said “going to molest your dog sexually.” Honestly! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/31 "2006-12-16T19:35:04Z")
I burning for your dog. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/32 "2006-12-16T20:55:09Z")
One of our (crackhead) tenants use to regularly accuse us of forcing her to have sex with dogs. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/33 "2006-12-16T22:26:47Z")
[QUOTE=pseudotriton ruber ruber] All these replies, and not one Doper is appalled by the use of the split infinitive? I’m horrified. Any person of the slightest taste would have said “going to molest your dog sexually.” Honestly! [/QUOTE] Let sleeping dogs lie. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/34 "2006-12-16T22:28:20Z")
Or maybe in this case I should say get laid. ---
**Author:** ![Ammonius\_Saccus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Ammonius\_Saccus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ammonius_Saccus)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/35 "2006-12-16T22:45:48Z")
[QUOTE=The Weird One] People, people! You’re losing track of the facts here: this was not some creepy guy threatening to molest the dog, it was a beautiful movie actress. /QUOTE] Nice. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2006, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/36 "2006-12-16T22:48:25Z")
[QUOTE=PunditLisa] I’m beginning to have sinister thoughts about why Woodstock has been visiting the “Psychiatrist, 5 cents” booth so often… [/QUOTE] Woodstock hasn’t complained one bit! And I doubt he would even if I took the ball gag out of his mouth. (He sure does look cute in his leather slave outfit.) ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/37 "2006-12-17T01:13:26Z")
I know it was an actress wanting to molest her ex-lovers dog. What says she still loves him more than “I want to molest your dog.”? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/38 "2006-12-17T03:49:15Z")
[QUOTE=pseudotriton ruber ruber] All these replies, and not one Doper is appalled by the use of the split infinitive? I’m horrified. Any person of the slightest taste would have said “going to molest your dog sexually.” Honestly! [/QUOTE] I’m going to sexually molest nonsensical grammar rules, then I’m going to sexually molest dead Romance languages. All of them. Even the ones I have to reconstruct first. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/39 "2006-12-17T04:45:03Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] I’m going to sexually molest nonsensical grammar rules, then I’m going to sexually molest dead Romance languages. All of them. Even the ones I have to reconstruct first. [/QUOTE] You’ll have to pass on English, Derleth. Walt Whitman has already raped our language. Does anyone else doubt the veracity of the phrase “sexually molest”? It sounds cleaned up (by the neighbor) to me, and I suspect it was probably something like “fuck” that she said. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2006, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354/40 "2006-12-17T09:04:21Z")
[QUOTE=elfkin477] Does anyone else doubt the veracity of the phrase “sexually molest”? It sounds cleaned up (by the neighbor) to me, and I suspect it was probably something like “fuck” that she said. [/QUOTE] Who cares? It’s so much more fun to believe that she actually said “sexually molest”. 🙂 Enough with the truthiness, eh? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-going-to-sexually-molest-your-dog/384354.md?page=3)