# "I'm having an affair.", and more... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 27, 2014, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867 "2014-01-27T17:57:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/61 "2014-01-27T22:18:38Z")
> [@astro](#): > > That’s what you think\* now\*. Post-divorce or if she finds out about the affair there will likely be a sea change in that attitude. If she struggles with being single post divorce the blame is going to fall squarely on you and the kids will get an earful from her side. Count on it. Perhaps. There is no way to really know I guess. That would be very difficult on me for sure. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/62 "2014-01-27T22:22:32Z")
> [@echo7tango](#): > > To me it sounds like the OP has already decided to leave, but to the OP and about his lover I’ll say this: > > After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. I haven’t decided anything. To you’re quote, I have struggled mightily with that for the entire time I’ve known this woman. Trying to figure out what “it” really was. Wondering what things would be like outside of our current situation. Wondering if we were falsely convinced of our feelings, and instead are just filling voids in each others life at a very specific time. So far I think it’s real. But I am not taking that aspect lightly, I assure you. ---
**Author:** ![Rowanchilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Rowanchilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rowanchilde)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/63 "2014-01-27T22:24:26Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > I am trying to be as honest as possible. I have no reason to lie to the people reading this thread, as I am trying to get completely honest, sometimes brutally so, opinions. If there are questions about my story, things that have or haven’t happened, things I have/haven’t done, etc., ask them and I will respond as best I can. > > And I do know that having an affair is not the solution to “getting those feelings back”, if that’s even physically possible at this point. It was what I needed, or thought I needed, at the time I guess. I’m not implying that you’re lying. I’m just saying that your reasons are the typical ones given for having an affair. No, having an affair is the last thing that will get feelings back for your wife/marriage. That’s not what I was saying either. But having the affair has made you feel wonderful, hasn’t it? May we ask where you met this woman? Was it online? Work? Social? ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/64 "2014-01-27T22:31:11Z")
> [@Rowanchilde](#): > > I’m not implying that you’re lying. I’m just saying that your reasons are the typical ones given for having an affair. No, having an affair is the last thing that will get feelings back for your wife/marriage. That’s not what I was saying either. But having the affair has made you feel wonderful, hasn’t it? > > May we ask where you met this woman? Was it online? Work? Social? In a way it has, yes. Online. ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/65 "2014-01-27T22:34:42Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > Thanks for the clarification. What other options did I have? How does it help if the issue(s) come out in counseling rather than me trying to sit down and have an open honest conversation with my wife? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? It seems to me that your mind is already made up about the marriage being over. So you’re absolutely right that counseling ain’t gonna help. I understand you want honest opinions, but you don’t need permission from strangers on a message board to divorce your wife. If you feel it’s the right thing, do it. You are doing irreparable harm to your wife and kids by carrying on this secret affair. ---
**Author:** ![Rowanchilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Rowanchilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rowanchilde)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/66 "2014-01-27T22:35:50Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > In a way it has, yes. > > Online. Just curious. Was it a dating site? You don’t have to answer… ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/67 "2014-01-27T22:43:28Z")
I think a lot of people are being absurdly harsh on the OP, and I’m not trying to defend infidelity but his wife basically denied him all forms of affection or even emotional love and no matter what he did for her she wouldn’t even give him a \. Is there anyone who would stay in a marriage at that point? You plead and beg for a kiss or a hug, do lots of things to please your partner, and don’t even get that? He even made it clear that her weight is not what has turned him off of her, but her total lack of anything resembling affection or emotion. His wife knew exactly what she was doing, she probably would be shocked it took so long. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/68 "2014-01-27T22:50:34Z")
Withholding a kiss is terrible indeed, but that only brings out my questions about what life is like for her that she can’t even bear to kiss her husband. Counseling might have answered much even if it saved nothing. I’m just warning against seeing this affair as anything magical. He’s a drowning man grasping for salvation and anything kind would seem amazing to him right now. I suspect his investment in the marriage is too far-gone to save at this point. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/69 "2014-01-27T23:00:11Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > I understand it’s our house, and that’s why I do all the things I do at home. I fix and maintain everything, do the lawn, trash, do the dishes almost every night, cook meals when I’m home early enough, help with laundry, vacuuming, and whatever else. I have always told her that I’m not concerned with housework from her, it will get done when it gets done. Our house has pretty much been a disaster since we had kids, and I’m fine with it. I’ve told her many times that I’d rather her get time with the kids or relaxation time rather than stressing over some dust bunnies. Ever consider that she might be depressed or have some similar problem? That is another reason for a counselor who might be able to detect symptoms of depression and recommend a good doctor for her. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/70 "2014-01-27T23:04:39Z")
Other than the details, the OP’s story is the same as mine was. If you feel that strongly about both women, cut your losses and move on, which is what I did. It wasn’t easy or fun or without guilt about the kids, but in the end you’re the architect of your own happiness, and staying in a loveless marriage “for the sake of the kids” is just moronic. I’m 20 years down the road with my second marriage and still thrilled with my spouse. I wouldn’t dream of cheating on her and only wish I’d met her earlier. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/71 "2014-01-27T23:16:18Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I think a lot of people are being absurdly harsh on the OP, and I’m not trying to defend infidelity but his wife basically denied him all forms of affection or even emotional love and no matter what he did for her she wouldn’t even give him a \. > > Is there anyone who would stay in a marriage at that point? You plead and beg for a kiss or a hug, do lots of things to please your partner, and don’t even get that? He even made it clear that her weight is not what has turned him off of her, but her total lack of anything resembling affection or emotion. I have no problem if he wants to leave. That’s the honorable thing to do. If things are so bad, then try to work them out. If that doesn’t work, then divorce. But having an affair is 100% wrong. It doesn’t matter what she did. Nothing justifies an affair. Her behavior contributes to the poor state of the marriage, but that doesn’t mean an affair is therefore the appropriate outcome. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/72 "2014-01-27T23:35:03Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I have no problem if he wants to leave. That’s the honorable thing to do. If things are so bad, then try to work them out. If that doesn’t work, then divorce. But having an affair is 100% wrong. It doesn’t matter what she did. Nothing justifies an affair. Her behavior contributes to the poor state of the marriage, but that doesn’t mean an affair is therefore the appropriate outcome. I agree with you, some of the early responses were pretty harsh though. You know OP is it possible your wife is seriously depressed as Voyager mentioned? I mean something was seriously out of whack long before the affair, and I’m taking your post at face value and not trying to figure out if you are lying or not. Either your wife was in a very dark place mentally, or she was intentionally emotionally abusive. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2014, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/73 "2014-01-27T23:51:07Z")
Things to consider: You are in a fog of dopamine right now. You can’t find one single thing wrong with your lover because of that. You don’t have to see her sick, annoyed, crabby or stressed out. You don’t have to worry about money together or make parenting decisions together. Right now you see each other under optimum circumstances and both of you are under the influence of major lust chemicals that are literally changing your perception. Most people rewrite their entire marital history when having an affair to justify their behavior. I bet you anything at one point you thought your wife was the one for you and you were really in love. This is not going to end well. It’s very uncommon for both partners to divorce their spouses. Usually one of them is shocked back into reality and realizes the hardships that they will have to go through, and ends the affair. You will have to face everyone you know finding out that you are a cheater, including your children. Your wife will be devastated. I would highly suggest you get into counseling on your own with a marriage counselor. You really seem to naive and very much in the affair fog. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/74 "2014-01-28T00:08:42Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > She got mad at me. For trying to fix things. Said I called her grotesque (which I didn’t). She blamed my emotions on my stress at work. Basically said that she puts everything into our kids, what do I expect? We ended things with her saying she’d make an effort. > [@ThePretender919](#): > > She has not been evaluated for depression. She claims she is perfectly happy no matter what her body language and attitude says. Here’s my problem. One of these things is not like the other. A woman who is perfectly happy would not get mad at a husband who had a serious, heart-to-heart talk with her. She might be confused, she might even get defensive. She might even say “what do you expect?” But a perfectly happy woman wouldn’t interpret a conversation like that as being called grotesque. All this is boiling down to one question, OP: If your wife agreed to counseling, and made an honest effort to improve her appearance, show more affection, give you a big sloppy kiss once in awhile, etc. Would that be enough for you to end the affair with the other woman? Would an honest effort and a stable home for you and the kids be enough for you to believe your life is getting better? Or, now that you’ve been with this other woman, will you always consider your wife to be at best a second choice? ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/75 "2014-01-28T00:23:14Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Here’s my problem. One of these things is not like the other. > > A woman who is perfectly happy would not get mad at a husband who had a serious, heart-to-heart talk with her. She might be confused, she might even get defensive. She might even say “what do you expect?” But a perfectly happy woman wouldn’t interpret a conversation like that as being called grotesque. > > All this is boiling down to one question, OP: > > If your wife agreed to counseling, and made an honest effort to improve her appearance, show more affection, give you a big sloppy kiss once in awhile, etc. Would that be enough for you to end the affair with the other woman? Would an honest effort and a stable home for you and the kids be enough for you to believe your life is getting better? > > Or, now that you’ve been with this other woman, will you always consider your wife to be at best a second choice? Oh and think about working out visitation, will you have all the kids at the same time? How is that going to work, where would they all sleep, do you have the same parenting philosophy, what if your kids don’t like each other? What if your kids all resent you for having an affair, which they will? And most if your money goes to child support? And your wife ends up getting remarried and now your kids have an unknown man in their lives who could be sn abuser, a drug addict or could be the greatest thing ever to them and you get to hear about all of it. Imagine Xmas without your kids. Imagine not seeing them on their birthdays. Think about seeing the look of contempt in their eyes. ---
**Author:** ![randompattern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7993a0/32.png) [@randompattern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randompattern)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/76 "2014-01-28T01:18:03Z")
What is stopping you from getting divorced? You already said why you’re unhappy but what’s the real reason you haven’t told your wife you want out and filed? Is it financial? Do you think you can “make it work”? Worried about what it will do to the kids? Don’t want to be the “bad guy”? You’re already having an affair which is one of the biggest (if not THE biggest) reasons for divorce. It seems to me you’re getting divorced one way or another whether you’re ready for it or not. Either you’ll grow a pair and file yourself or, your wife will find out about the affair and file. Maybe sneaking around and being a douche to your wife is just your style, I mean you’re not miserable anymore right? Why ruin a good thing for yourself? Her feelings? Fuck her feelings! She didn’t care about you when you told her about how unhappy you were right? She deserves your shitting on her. The kids? They’ll get used to it no worries. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/77 "2014-01-28T01:53:25Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > Of course not. And I don’t know how she’d handle it. > > But nothing has been decided on either end, so it’s premature to project. > > I’m not sure what that has to do with the claim of how strong our connection is. The point is - your feelings for this woman are all a projection. You haven’t had to do anything important or difficult with her, therefore you have no idea how she will handle it, therefore, you have no idea if you actually have any sort of connection aside from you, you know, the one with your dick. “Connections” aren’t about the good times. It’s easy to like anyone when it’s fun and simple. Connections are about the bad times and how you handle them _together_. But sure, get a divorce. What do we care? You don’t need permission, as its been said. Mostly what you need is a Livejournal. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/78 "2014-01-28T02:28:09Z")
Boo hoo. Her body went to hell carrying your babies. Left alone 12 hours a day to raise them. She became your brood mare not your lover. And now you are unhappy. So you solve that by sticking your penis in another woman. A married woman. A mother. And now to be happy you want to tear two families to shreds. So you can be haaaaaaaaappy. What a waste of human skin you are. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/79 "2014-01-28T02:47:23Z")
Woah! Yeah, ok. That’s a bit much. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/80 "2014-01-28T03:07:22Z")
Maybe way off base, but: OP, are YOU depressed? Right now, the fog of your hormones might be masking it, but I’m catching a vibe. A rather helpless vibe. Like you feel like you’re just being tossed about by life and lack control. It’s pretty common amongst depressed people. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867.md?page=5)