# "I'm having an affair.", and more... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 27, 2014, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867 "2014-01-27T17:57:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/81 "2014-01-28T03:11:51Z")
Heh. No worries. I expected responses like that. There is some truth to it. But, again, everything is not black and white, no matter how strong an opinion one person or another may have. When I was younger there were a lot more things I felt that way about. As I’ve gotten older I learned to look for both sides more and more. Note that its not a justification for cheating. I don’t think cheating is probably ever “right”, but there are circumstances and feelings that are very real and significant that can lead down that path. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/82 "2014-01-28T03:17:58Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > Boo hoo. Her body went to hell carrying your babies. Left alone 12 hours a day to raise them. She became your brood mare not your lover. And now you are unhappy. So you solve that by sticking your penis in another woman. A married woman. A mother. And now to be happy you want to tear two families to shreds. So you can be haaaaaaaaappy. > > What a waste of human skin you are. Oh good grief…projecting much? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/83 "2014-01-28T03:18:47Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > Note that its not a justification for cheating. I don’t think cheating is probably ever “right”, but there are circumstances and feelings that are very real and significant that can lead down that path. Yeah, we all get the reasons for your affair – loveless marriage, an exciting new woman. You made all that clear in your first post. Do you want your marriage to survive, or do you want a divorce? ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/84 "2014-01-28T03:25:39Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I think a lot of people are being absurdly harsh on the OP, and I’m not trying to defend infidelity but his wife basically denied him all forms of affection or even emotional love and no matter what he did for her she wouldn’t even give him a \. > > Is there anyone who would stay in a marriage at that point? You plead and beg for a kiss or a hug, do lots of things to please your partner, and don’t even get that? He even made it clear that her weight is not what has turned him off of her, but her total lack of anything resembling affection or emotion. > > His wife knew exactly what she was doing, she probably would be shocked it took so long. To be fair and honest, she doesn’t _deny_ me sex. I could have it more often if I forced the issue. And I may get a peck of a kiss now and then, again primarily if I initiate. Or a hug when SHE is feeling down. But I cannot remember the last time she gave me a passionate kiss. Literally it’s been years and years. Even after practically begging for it. I understand the kid thing. The stress thing. The time thing. But showing love and affection doesn’t mean you have to move mountains all the time. At any point in time I would have been satisfied by the little things. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/85 "2014-01-28T03:29:29Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Oh good grief…projecting much? > > :rolleyes: Not at all. I despise cheaters. If the OP would man up, end the marriage and move on, I wouldn’t say a thing. Instead he doesn’t give his wife the respect to make her choice to stay or go. She thinks she is in a marriage, he is lying and cheating. Scummy is as scummy does. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/86 "2014-01-28T03:37:20Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Here’s my problem. One of these things is not like the other. > > A woman who is perfectly happy would not get mad at a husband who had a serious, heart-to-heart talk with her. She might be confused, she might even get defensive. She might even say “what do you expect?” But a perfectly happy woman wouldn’t interpret a conversation like that as being called grotesque. > > All this is boiling down to one question, OP: > > If your wife agreed to counseling, and made an honest effort to improve her appearance, show more affection, give you a big sloppy kiss once in awhile, etc. Would that be enough for you to end the affair with the other woman? Would an honest effort and a stable home for you and the kids be enough for you to believe your life is getting better? > > Or, now that you’ve been with this other woman, will you always consider your wife to be at best a second choice? I don’t believe she IS perfectly happy. Obviously. SHE said she is. She is unhappy with herself physically. She’s pretty much said as much. She’s insecure and projected that on me when I tried to have a conversation with her. But she’s not unhappy enough with herself to do something about it. I would have accepted your described effort at some point. I still might. But its hard to listen to a broken record forever. ---
**Author:** ![MsJinx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/278dde/32.png) [@MsJinx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsJinx)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/87 "2014-01-28T03:40:17Z")
Is it possible to pack up the kids and go on a family vacation, however brief? Surprise her, make it an adventure, it would be good for all of you. Have some time together after the kids are tucked in, watching the moon and stars. It may also be an easy way to end the affair (I’d be mad, if I were the other one, kind of speaking from experience here). I’ve been through two difficult divorces, with children. It was horrible. But we all survived, we are all much happier now. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/88 "2014-01-28T03:46:05Z")
> [@randompattern](#): > > What is stopping you from getting divorced? You already said why you’re unhappy but what’s the real reason you haven’t told your wife you want out and filed? > > Is it financial? > Do you think you can “make it work”? > Worried about what it will do to the kids? > Don’t want to be the “bad guy”? > > You’re already having an affair which is one of the biggest (if not THE biggest) reasons for divorce. It seems to me you’re getting divorced one way or another whether you’re ready for it or not. Either you’ll grow a pair and file yourself or, your wife will find out about the affair and file. > Maybe sneaking around and being a douche to your wife is just your style, I mean you’re not miserable anymore right? Why ruin a good thing for yourself? Her feelings? Fuck her feelings! She didn’t care about you when you told her about how unhappy you were right? She deserves your shitting on her. The kids? They’ll get used to it no worries. I sincerely want to figure out what is best for my family long term. If all I cared about was myself I probably would have left already. Cue: “What a hipocrite! You’re having an affair!” I know. Short term…right now…its keeping me balanced. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/89 "2014-01-28T03:46:37Z")
OP. I am you. For all the same reasons. Every one of them. I ended my very brief 3 month affair because of the kids, and because I didn’t like what I’d gotten myself into. Eight years after, I left my email open on the family computer and my wife went snooping. We tried counseling, but the damage was done. She, and the kids, left me last April. I’m supposed to get the kids every second weekend, but lately it’s every weekend, since she apparently can’t cope. I have no problems with this; I love the kids with all my heart. End it now. You’ll get over it and life will move on. Financially, it sucks, but everyone is much happier since we split. I wish I had pulled the plug earlier and moved in with my partner-in-crime, but she’s living with another guy now and I missed a perfect window of opportunity. So, now I’m separated, lonely and coughing up half of my salary to her. My fault. Mea culpa. I should have just bailed way back when. And, fellow dopers, don’t take this out solely on me. You have no idea the suffering, belittlement, and constant taking without giving she put me through. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/90 "2014-01-28T03:53:28Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Maybe way off base, but: OP, are YOU depressed? Right now, the fog of your hormones might be masking it, but I’m catching a vibe. A rather helpless vibe. Like you feel like you’re just being tossed about by life and lack control. It’s pretty common amongst depressed people. I’m a pretty happy guy in general. I love to be active. I love to be social. Love my kids. At times I have felt helpless, but only in regards to my spousal situation. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/91 "2014-01-28T03:57:34Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Yeah, we all get the reasons for your affair – loveless marriage, an exciting new woman. You made all that clear in your first post. > > Do you want your marriage to survive, or do you want a divorce? I don’t know. I couldnt continue with the situation as is. “Is it salvageable?” is the million dollar question I guess. I have serious doubts that things could ever change. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/92 "2014-01-28T04:01:33Z")
> [@MsJinx](#): > > Is it possible to pack up the kids and go on a family vacation, however brief? Surprise her, make it an adventure, it would be good for all of you. Have some time together after the kids are tucked in, watching the moon and stars. It may also be an easy way to end the affair (I’d be mad, if I were the other one, kind of speaking from experience here). > > I’ve been through two difficult divorces, with children. It was horrible. But we all survived, we are all much happier now. We could. But “eh, its chilly out, why do you want to stare at the stars?” would be the response. My mom was going to watch the kids last weekend so we could go out together and her response when I told her was literally, no exaggeration, “Eh.” Its very hard to work through that. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/93 "2014-01-28T04:01:50Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > I don’t know. > > I couldnt continue with the situation as is. > > “Is it salvageable?” is the million dollar question I guess. I have serious doubts that things could ever change. Another reason to get into counseling. If not as a couple, then you alone. Is there a reason you’re resisting the idea of counseling? Have you asked your wife if she would go? ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/94 "2014-01-28T04:04:55Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > OP. I am you. For all the same reasons. Every one of them. > > I ended my very brief 3 month affair because of the kids, and because I didn’t like what I’d gotten myself into. > > Eight years after, I left my email open on the family computer and my wife went snooping. We tried counseling, but the damage was done. She, and the kids, left me last April. I’m supposed to get the kids every second weekend, but lately it’s every weekend, since she apparently can’t cope. I have no problems with this; I love the kids with all my heart. > > End it now. You’ll get over it and life will move on. Financially, it sucks, but everyone is much happier since we split. I wish I had pulled the plug earlier and moved in with my partner-in-crime, but she’s living with another guy now and I missed a perfect window of opportunity. > > So, now I’m separated, lonely and coughing up half of my salary to her. My fault. Mea culpa. > > I should have just bailed way back when. And, fellow dopers, don’t take this out solely on me. You have no idea the suffering, belittlement, and constant taking without giving she put me through. Thanks. We you miserable for the 8 years? Were you just sticking it out for the kids? If you can elaborate but don’t want it public you can PM me. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/95 "2014-01-28T04:08:32Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Another reason to get into counseling. If not as a couple, then you alone. > > Is there a reason you’re resisting the idea of counseling? Have you asked your wife if she would go? I am not resisting. I may take that route. I will admit that I am skeptical of it. I haven’t talked to her about it. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/96 "2014-01-28T04:16:32Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > Thanks. We you miserable for the 8 years? Were you just sticking it out for the kids? If you can elaborate but don’t want it public you can PM me. Yeah, I was miserable, and yeah I was sticking it out for the kids. But I stopped the affair eight years previous and never would have been uncovered if I didn’t leave my email open. She actually went digging through it though, so you know, how wonderful is that? I knew about 3 or 4 years into the marriage that this was not a great idea, but then we had kids and life happened and I assumed things would calm down. She was a compulsive spender and couldn’t dream of having any actual money in the bank. That’s what killed it for me, and then like your wife came the ridiculous weight gain: 70 pounds sounds about right. She smokes: I don’t. I drink: she doesn’t. I like the outdoors: she doesn’t. Honest to God, I’m glad to be rid of her. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/97 "2014-01-28T04:20:42Z")
I do have to say at some point if you want your marriage to work you are going to have to tell her about the affair. Lots of people are able to create a new, better marriage after an affair but you have to be willing to listen to the experts instead of your own beliefs. You have failed and yet you continue to think that your ideas about marriage are correct. If nothing else go to a counselor to prepare you for the divorce. ---
**Author:** ![MsJinx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/278dde/32.png) [@MsJinx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsJinx)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/98 "2014-01-28T04:22:45Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > We could. > > But “eh, its chilly out, why do you want to stare at the stars?” would be the response. > > My mom was going to watch the kids last weekend so we could go out together and her response when I told her was literally, no exaggeration, “Eh.” > > Its very hard to work through that. Yes it is, if it’s that far gone. I was thinking more of a beach, Disneyland, something like that. When even a wonderful place isn’t fun due to the company, it’s time to get out. You both deserve the chance to be with someone who makes you happy. I very much regret the years I spent unhappily married. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/99 "2014-01-28T04:54:42Z")
Posting on a messageboard is not necessarily the best way to sort out your feelings. I would suggest that the OP start with some personal counseling. That way, he could discuss all of this with a neutral party instead of posting it on the internet where his wife could potentially find it. If it turns out this new woman is destined to be with him forever than he should find out sooner rather than later (although I would be skeptical of a woman who would cheat on her husband with a married man). He need sto find out what he really wants. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/100 "2014-01-28T05:02:39Z")
> [@amorali](#): > > I do have to say at some point if you want your marriage to work you are going to have to tell her about the affair. On a practical basis I am curious why does he “have” to tell her about the affair"? How is that going to help anything? All I can see it doing is putting the nail in the coffin once he opens his mouth. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867.md?page=6)