# "I'm having an affair.", and more... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 27, 2014, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867 "2014-01-27T17:57:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/101 "2014-01-28T05:23:57Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > Not at all. I despise cheaters. If the OP would man up, end the marriage and move on, I wouldn’t say a thing. Instead he doesn’t give his wife the respect to make her choice to stay or go. She thinks she is in a marriage, he is lying and cheating. Scummy is as scummy does. And nothing shits me more than people like yourself who see the world as black and white, haranguing a confused schmuck in the midst of some personal turmoil. You’re a real piece of work **Inna Minnit**. If the world and human emotions were that simple, then advice like yours would have a place. As it stands, they’re not, and your words of admonition reek like sanctimonious shit. ---
**Author:** ![larryg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9d8465/32.png) [@larryg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/larryg)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/102 "2014-01-28T05:33:15Z")
I think these old fashioned moral judgements are ridiculous. Someone who cheats under these circumstances and after this long a period of unhappiness probably needs to cheat in order to maintain some essential spark of joy in life. Contrary to the bronze age religous mores espoused here cheating is only a certain rather short event of friction, minuscule compared to constant grief. However, to paraphrase Dickens – misery is needing 21 pounds for living expenses with income of twenty; happiness is needing 21 pounds with income of 22. I think the wife is the (passive) aggresive one here in her refusal to seriously discuss the matter much less make even a small gesture of an attempt to respond. Be a HAPPY bachelor for your kid’s sake. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/103 "2014-01-28T06:37:13Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > Of course “end the affair” is probably the best short term solution to prevent people getting hurt. With the feelings we’ve developed, it’s easier said than done. And again, I understand that people will just think it’s a sex based lust, but it is not. I just started reading this thread, and I would like to finish before responding in length so I don’t repeat anything that has already been stated. I can tell you this – I am not one of those people. I agree, affairs are most definitely **not always** “a sex based lust.” Many do start that way, but some evolve into much more. And I can say this from personal experience. My advice for now - continue to think very carefully before making any rash decisions. Think about **everyone** involved. Think about it from every angle - emotional, financial, etc. I know what I would do because I did it. And I knew without any doubt when and why I needed to leave my husband. My 17 year long marriage ended officially about three and a half years ago, but it had been over (emotionally speaking) for much longer than that. We are friends now, and we co-parent our kids in a healthy way. I’m pleased to say that we are **all** much happier people now. But, it did not happen overnight. By the way, I agree with much of what **Astro** has said so far. I may chime in again. Life is short, ThePretender919. Don’t waste it. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/104 "2014-01-28T06:39:36Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > And nothing shits me more than people like yourself who see the world as black and white, haranguing a confused schmuck in the midst of some personal turmoil. > > You’re a real piece of work **Inna Minnit**. If the world and human emotions were that simple, then advice like yours would have a place. As it stands, they’re not, and your words of admonition reek like sanctimonious shit. Plus one. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/105 "2014-01-28T06:52:20Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > I’ve been on both sides of this one, so no moral superiority from me. I just want to say that although you may be having fun right now, that will run out quick. Before long, you’ll have your hands full just lying and remembering previous lies. Also, you will get caught. Your risk is doubled because she’s married too. One of your spouses is going to catch on. Think about it, because that day is going to be a really bad one, followed by lots of others. > Also, people that find out about this will consider you a shitheel “forevermore”, to quote someone upthread. > > My advice: just stop before it’s too late. Then figure out what next. > > I’m trying to help you, man. Very good advice. I also believe that you will get caught sooner or later - the truth wants to come out, and it will find a way. Count on it. > [@astro](#): > > When you get to the point where there is (effectively even if not overt) mutual contempt for each other it’s pretty much over. People follow their tendencies and she does not have any tendency to want to be in shape or be socially interactive. > > Counseling is not going to help. These types of people are very stubborn and will not change regardless of your entreaties. Asking her to do this or to be more affectionate is like banging your head against the wall. Nothing is going to change. > > The bottom line is you need to leave. The price for leaving is that you can be with someone who makes you happy, but be crystal clear that \ I’m normally all about advising people to get counselling, too, but I’m not sure if there really is a point here. Maybe the final test is if his wife will go to counselling with him - if she just won’t go, I’d say that’s the final thing the OP needs to know to make his decision - she doesn’t see anything wrong, or she doesn’t want to make any effort to fix it. I don’t see the marriage continuing after that. > [@ThePretender919](#): > > Of course “end the affair” is probably the best short term solution to prevent people getting hurt. With the feelings we’ve developed, it’s easier said than done. And again, I understand that people will just think it’s a sex based lust, but it is not. As others have said, you’re in a stew of new relationship hormones right now. Those will wear off at some point, as they always do. > [@kunilou](#): > > \Do you want your marriage to survive, or do you want a divorce? That’s about it - that’s your bottom line. > [@Leaffan](#): > > Yeah, I was miserable, and yeah I was sticking it out for the kids. But I stopped the affair eight years previous and never would have been uncovered if I didn’t leave my email open. She actually went digging through it though, so you know, how wonderful is that?\ You can’t seriously be blaming your wife for being suspicious and digging in your email after you actually HAD betrayed her, are you? ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/106 "2014-01-28T07:43:44Z")
Not sure how old your kids are, but I wanted to tell you that mine were 10 and 14. After we had been apart for about 6 months, both of them thanked me for my decision. They did it in their own way. They had adjusted very well to the changes in their lives and like their father and me, they were happier, too. My son (the oldest) did so with very clear thoughtful words and understanding. My daughter with tears and hugs, but also with incredible comprehension of the big picture. It was a bitter sweet moment with both of my kids. I have no regrets. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/107 "2014-01-28T08:08:06Z")
Frankly I don’t understand most of the answers that consists in advising counseling and chiding the OP for cheating on his wife. This is a loveless, sexless marriage. The OP and his wife don’t even share any common interest or activity. I can’t see what there is to salvage here. I guess maybe the OP could come to some sort of compromise, give up forever love, sex and hapiness and stay in his marriage. Why would he even try to do that? Similarly, what his affair is depriving her wife of? No sex, no love, not even a kiss. They aren’t a couple in any meaningful sense. How is he betraying someone who has long ceased to be his lover? It amazes me that on this board relationship advices seem to fall in two category : -You’re not married : “drop the sucker” regardless how minor the issue is -You’re married : “try to work it out” regardless how desperate the situation is. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/108 "2014-01-28T08:21:46Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > And nothing shits me more than people like yourself who see the world as black and white, haranguing a confused schmuck in the midst of some personal turmoil. > > You’re a real piece of work **Inna Minnit**. If the world and human emotions were that simple, then advice like yours would have a place. As it stands, they’re not, and your words of admonition reek like sanctimonious shit. Yes, I can smell the stench from here. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/109 "2014-01-28T10:56:47Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You can’t seriously be blaming your wife for being suspicious and digging in your email after you actually HAD betrayed her, are you? No. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’ve never blamed her for any of this. We probably get along better now than we did the last few years when we were married. I still help her out with car repairs, and do stuff like put up shelves and hang pictures. We’re all better off now really. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/110 "2014-01-28T12:13:51Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > Boo hoo. Her body went to hell carrying your babies. Left alone 12 hours a day to raise them. She became your brood mare not your lover. And now you are unhappy. So you solve that by sticking your penis in another woman. A married woman. A mother. And now to be happy you want to tear two families to shreds. So you can be haaaaaaaaappy. > > What a waste of human skin you are. You’ve been here for awhile and should very well know this by now, so I’m giving you a warning for this post… Take it to the Pit and out of this topic. ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/111 "2014-01-28T14:00:26Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Frankly I don’t understand most of the answers that consists in advising counseling and chiding the OP for cheating on his wife. > This is a loveless, sexless marriage. The OP and his wife don’t even share any common interest or activity. I can’t see what there is to salvage here. I guess maybe the OP could come to some sort of compromise, give up forever love, sex and hapiness and stay in his marriage. Why would he even try to do that? > > Similarly, what his affair is depriving her wife of? No sex, no love, not even a kiss. They aren’t a couple in any meaningful sense. How is he betraying someone who has long ceased to be his lover? > It amazes me that on this board relationship advices seem to fall in two category : > -You’re not married : “drop the sucker” regardless how minor the issue is > > -You’re married : “try to work it out” regardless how desperate the situation is. This. I meant to say something similar the other day. At some point a marriage only exists technically. I would be unsure about calling this cheating or betrayal. The kids might see it differently though. > [@kambuckta](#): > > And nothing shits me more than people like yourself who see the world as black and white, haranguing a confused schmuck in the midst of some personal turmoil. > > You’re a real piece of work **Inna Minnit**. If the world and human emotions were that simple, then advice like yours would have a place. As it stands, they’re not, and your words of admonition reek like sanctimonious shit. Also this. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/112 "2014-01-28T14:13:44Z")
> [@astro](#): > > On a practical basis I am curious why does he “have” to tell her about the affair"? How is that going to help anything? All I can see it doing is putting the nail in the coffin once he opens his mouth. I’m with Astro here. If I decide that this thing is worth saving, and is save-able, I don’t know that telling her about it is going to accomplish anything. Yeah, yeah, should have thought about that before I did it… ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/113 "2014-01-28T14:16:43Z")
> [@scootergirl](#): > > I just started reading this thread, and I would like to finish before responding in length so I don’t repeat anything that has already been stated. > I can tell you this – I am not one of those people. I agree, affairs are most definitely **not always** “a sex based lust.” Many do start that way, but some evolve into much more. And I can say this from personal experience. > > My advice for now - continue to think very carefully before making any rash decisions. Think about **everyone** involved. Think about it from every angle - emotional, financial, etc. > > I know what I would do because I did it. And I knew without any doubt when and why I needed to leave my husband. My 17 year long marriage ended officially about three and a half years ago, but it had been over (emotionally speaking) for much longer than that. > > We are friends now, and we co-parent our kids in a healthy way. I’m pleased to say that we are **all** much happier people now. But, it did not happen overnight. > > By the way, I agree with much of what **Astro** has said so far. > > I may chime in again. > Life is short, ThePretender919. Don’t waste it. Thanks. I am thinking. I am a thinker. I generally evaluate everything… risk/reward, pros and cons… no jumping without a parachute. I don’t think I entered the affair with that mindset though, so I’m trying to reign it in. ---
**Author:** ![ThePretender919](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19b73/32.png) [@ThePretender919](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePretender919)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/114 "2014-01-28T14:33:59Z")
I want to elaborate on something I said in the OP. I guess I held the details out just for not wanting to put too many specifics out there, but it’s probably not a big deal. Maybe it provides a little more of a look into what’s going on, or maybe it’s just me wanting to type it out. Either way. I mentioned she gained a lot of weight. Partially before her pregnancy 3 years ago (slowly over the years), and a large chunk during the pregnancy. Well during the pregnancy she got swollen to the point where she had to take her engagement and wedding rings off. Fine, no problem, it happens. Well, she never lost the weight, even in her fingers, so the rings are still just barely too small. She never took the time to get them re-sized over the years. I didn’t bug her about it, but mentioned it a few times. It never got done. So, the night I broke down… poured my heart out to my wife, I asked her to do something. I looked her straight in the eye and told her very specifically that it was _very important to me_ that she go to the jewelry store and have her rings re-sized. She told me she would do it that week. A week passed, two weeks passed. Nothing. To this day, more than four months later, they are sitting in a jewelry box. I try to avoid making a big deal out of little details in my life. But, as a guy who rarely gets emotional, when I open myself up like I did, and don’t get the smallest token of love and respect in return, it hurts. A lot. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/115 "2014-01-28T14:42:12Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > Thanks. > > I am thinking. I am a thinker. I generally evaluate everything… risk/reward, pros and cons… no jumping without a parachute. Except for your marriage, except for your affair, etc. Another advantage of counseling is that it can help identify when your self-image may not be entirely accurate. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/116 "2014-01-28T14:44:15Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Except for your marriage, except for your affair, etc. > > Another advantage of counseling is that it can help identify when your self-image may not be entirely accurate. You selectively left out the last line of his post: “I don’t think I entered the affair with that mindset though, so I’m trying to reign it in.” That negates your post altogether. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/117 "2014-01-28T15:39:11Z")
We only hear his side of things, and honestly he seems to have bad judgement and to be very self focused. This woman sounds like she too is miserable. Something is very wrong here and you can’t just assume that someone who is having an affair is giving you an accurate picture of the marriage. People in affairs will do anything to justify their actions including completely rewriting marital history, finding every thing wrong with their spouse, making the spouse the bad guy to assuage their own guilt. You can find the same thing repeated on many sites, in many books. I am active on marriage forums and I have literally seen this hundreds of times. It’s like they are reading from a script. "Next begins a repeated internal dialogue of rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. The Wayward Spouse needs to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up and minimise their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad and that it had been for a long time, that their spouse doesn’t really love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one who understands them. They may tell themselves, and the Betrayed Spouse, that the Betrayed Spouse is “better off without them.” Frequently this rationalization leads to inventing reasons for having the affair in the first place, including that the affair is like “therapy,” something they do for themselves. They say it makes them a better, happier spouse — “If I am happier, then how could that be bad for my marriage/family/spouse?” Loss of Empathy After a short time, they cease to think of anyone else’s feelings — not parents, not spouses, not children, not friends — only their feelings and the feelings of their Affair Partner. To a foggy Wayward, the Other Person is without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. Soon the cheating spouse begins to believe the lies they’ve been telling themselves. They, therefore, act accordingly, treating their spouse with anger and hostility, and their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. Despite all of this, the Wayward might not want out of the marriage. They enjoy the familial comfort of home, with the added excitement of the affair. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, no matter the total disregard for the Betrayed." [http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/07/10/coping-with-infidelity-understanding-the-wayward-fog/](http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/07/10/coping-with-infidelity-understanding-the-wayward-fog/) He is not a reliable source as to the health of his marriage. I know of many former waywards who can’t believe how foggy and brainwashed they were. The only way out is for the spouse to find out and go nuclear on exposure and consequences or for the wayward to initiate divorce and get hit with the reality of divorce and the problems with the new relationship. I get it, people end up marrying affair partners. But in the end if there is a way to save the marriage I would highly recommend that road. Many people are able to create a much better marriage and reconcile and heal. One of the best marriage sites: > **[Marriage Builders® - Successful Marriage Advice : Marriage...](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/)** > > Insightful answers to questions about sex, affection, conversation, honesty, anger, disrespect, resentment, conflict resolution, and surviving infidelity in marriage ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/118 "2014-01-28T15:48:38Z")
> [@ThePretender919](#): > > But, as a guy who rarely gets emotional, when I open myself up like I did, and don’t get the smallest token of love and respect in return, it hurts. A lot. I get that you feel hurt and rejected by your wife, but no amount of rationalization is going to convince me that screwing around behind your wife’s back is okay. You need to man up and divorce her or end the affair now. ---
**Author:** ![amorali](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@amorali](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amorali)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/119 "2014-01-28T16:15:21Z")
You rarely get emotional? Women love that. You two have been disconnected for a long time. She is probably really confused. You tell her you aren’t attracted to her and expect her to attack you when you get home? Really? About the rings. You told her you aren’t attracted to her and how unhappy you are and then expect her to magically be attracted to you and French you when you get home, then you tell her basically “look you are fat and we both know you are never going to lose weight. So go get your rings resized because you are going to be fat for the rest of your life.” That’s what women think like. She probably couldn’t bring herself to do it because it’s like admitting failure. You seem to know almost nothing about women and yet you see yourself as an expert. Go get help from an expert. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867/120 "2014-01-28T16:17:20Z")
> [@amorali](#): > > People in affairs will do anything to justify their actions including completely rewriting marital history, finding every thing wrong with their spouse, making the spouse the bad guy to assuage their own guilt. Ain’t that the truth. I’ve been there, but on the losing end. It’s heart-breaking. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-having-an-affair-and-more/679867.md?page=7)