# I'm heart broken- How do I get through this? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 2, 2012, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402 "2012-09-02T00:22:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/21 "2012-09-02T01:50:10Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > (And DO NOT post her e-mails here, not without her permission) He offered to _ **PM** _ the email to me; he didn’t say he was going to post it. There _is_ a difference. ---
**Author:** ![I\_m\_Sad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/96bed5/32.png) [@I\_m\_Sad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_m_Sad)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/22 "2012-09-02T01:50:14Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > No need. Her bolded words right here (my bold) show her feelings (or lack thereof) pretty clearly. Maybe I misunderstood you. I thought you meant that she never had feelings for me. Just curious, maybe I need a female perspective on this: After what she expressed to me, is this hard on her at all? Do you think she’s sad? Was she fucking with my head? I spoke a little to a female friend and when I told her that she doesn’t want me to contact her anymore, she said, “she doesn’t owe you anything.” Is that right? I was willing to make some big changes in my life to be with her, and now that she doesn’t want to see me anymore, is asking for the courtesy to explain things to me better on the phone too much to ask? Maybe I’d feel better if someone told me she’s a horrible person that was fucking with my head, but I don’t want to be lied to to feel better. Anyway, I can remember the conversations we had and I believe she was for real. I know how it sounds after telling how little time we actually spent together, but I really do love her and would do anything to get her back. Is there anything I can do? ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/23 "2012-09-02T01:52:44Z")
> [@I\_m\_Sad](#): > > I should have kept my insecurities to myself and not ruined this. You aren’t being realistic. This was a fantasy, all in your head. Stop doing this to yourself. You went on 6 dates, 4 years ago. No contact for 4 years, during which time you both presumably grow and mature. You fantasized about her daily for the next 4 years, to the point where you convinced yourself you were in love with her, the most perfect woman you ever met. You e-mail her, confessing all, and she agrees to meet you for dinner. She just happened to have split with her boyfriend of 6 months. You make plans to “spend your lives together” over the phone during the week after your date. You e-mail her about her ex. She realizes she is having a flight of fancy on the rebound and wakes the hell up and stops this train wreck while it is still on the tracks. You contact her again. She realizes something is terribly wrong with this picture and asks you not to contact her again. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/24 "2012-09-02T02:01:32Z")
[Female Perspective] No, she doesn’t owe you anything. In fact, the more you try and “make it work”, the more you’ll push her away. In fact, you’ll probably come off as annoying at best, and obsessive at worst. You need to move on and let her do the same. There’s “nothing you can try.” She doesn’t want to be with you. Life isn’t a romantic comedy, where the hero goes and appears at the woman’s workplace with a dozen roses and a diamond ring, singing at the top of his lungs, and then carries her off to get married. In the movies, it’s seen as romantic when you keep trying. In real life, it’s seen as annoying. Block her contacts, delete her numbers, go out, get drunk with your buds, have a good cry, and move on. Before it gets ugly. Before you get REALLY hurt. [/Female Perspective] Edited: one sign you aren’t in love is the fact that you think she’s perfect. ---
**Author:** ![I\_m\_Sad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/96bed5/32.png) [@I\_m\_Sad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_m_Sad)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/25 "2012-09-02T02:03:23Z")
That does sound like a pretty good breakdown, Lurker. I guess on top of all this is the pain of rejection and anger at myself for being this foolish. Yet, even after seeing this rationally, I still have this feeling that this could have worked and that I will never want to spend a night just holding someone and have that unbelievable feeling doing that with someone else. I’ve been in love before, but never like this. I just want to stroke the skin on her hand. I’ll shut up now. I realize I’m sounding like a broken record about how perfect she is and if I was on the reading end of this, I would also think it sounds like some teenager going through his first heartbreak and will get over it like the rest of the world. I’m just older than that and know how I feel about her and it’s different. ---
**Author:** ![I\_m\_Sad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/96bed5/32.png) [@I\_m\_Sad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_m_Sad)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/26 "2012-09-02T02:04:53Z")
Thanks Guin. I won’t bother her anymore. But I will pray that she contacts me. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/27 "2012-09-02T02:06:59Z")
Hey. I don’t like all the jokes. It took me a good five years to be done with a thing I was doing. To OP. You can’t get over it. You’re changed. Welcome to the club. In the wonderful way Tommy Duncan sang it, “Time Changes Everything.” Be glad you got some, because you’ll need it. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/28 "2012-09-02T02:07:06Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > You aren’t being realistic. This was a fantasy, all in your head. Stop doing this to yourself. > > You went on 6 dates, 4 years ago. > No contact for 4 years, during which time you both presumably grow and mature. > You fantasized about her daily for the next 4 years, to the point where you convinced yourself you were in love with her, the most perfect woman you ever met. > You e-mail her, confessing all, and she agrees to meet you for dinner. > She just happened to have split with her boyfriend of 6 months. > You make plans to “spend your lives together” over the phone during the week after your date. > You e-mail her about her ex. > She realizes she is having a flight of fancy on the rebound and wakes the hell up and stops this train wreck while it is still on the tracks. > You contact her again. > She realizes something is terribly wrong with this picture and asks you not to contact her again. The only thing I would add is “You email her about her ex” happened the _day after_ they had had a conversation about that very subject. So she probably saw gigantic, billowing red flags screaming her way. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/29 "2012-09-02T02:09:07Z")
> [@I\_m\_Sad](#): > > I would also think it sounds like some teenager going through his first heartbreak and will get over it like the rest of the world. I’m just older than that and know how I feel about her and it’s different. How old _are_ you? ---
**Author:** ![I\_m\_Sad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/96bed5/32.png) [@I\_m\_Sad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_m_Sad)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/30 "2012-09-02T02:12:51Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > The only thing I would add is “You email her about her ex” happened the _day after_ they had had a conversation about that very subject. So she probably saw gigantic, billowing red flags screaming her way. That’s true. It was a big fuck up on my part. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > How old _are_ you? A lot older than a teenager. I’m too embarrassed to say at this point. I realize I sound incredibly immature. I guess in a lot of ways I am. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/31 "2012-09-02T03:03:09Z")
Perhaps she was a good lesson in giving up your jealous nature. That won’t work in any relationship. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/32 "2012-09-02T03:09:51Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Yep, I agree. > > Think of it this way: how could it be “true love” if **you** are the only one with feelings? Come on man, she doesn’t share your infatuation, Well…I’ve been in love, it wasn’t reciprocated, it lasted quite a while. It was long ago, I’m certainly not 15 yo (I’m 47) and I still think it was love. I remember that, like the OP, I could hardly go anywhere pleasant without thinking that I would want to be there with her. I’m not going to be as harsh with the OP as most posters are. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/33 "2012-09-02T03:16:53Z")
I’m still curious about the big thing/long story that happened to cut off all contact between you four years ago. I think that episode holds the key to all of today’s angst. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/34 "2012-09-02T03:17:49Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Seriously, this is not an excuse. In fact, this is most likely the cause. Agreed. **Im Sad** , I suggest psychotherapy as soon as you can. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/35 "2012-09-02T03:19:52Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > You e-mail her, confessing all, and she agrees to meet you for dinner. > She just happened to have split with her boyfriend of 6 months. > You make plans to “spend your lives together” over the phone during the week after your date. > You e-mail her about her ex. > She realizes she is having a flight of fancy on the rebound and wakes the hell up and stops this train wreck while it is still on the tracks. > You contact her again. > She realizes something is terribly wrong with this picture and asks you not to contact her again. This seems an excellent description of what probably happened. ---
**Author:** ![I\_m\_Sad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/96bed5/32.png) [@I\_m\_Sad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_m_Sad)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/36 "2012-09-02T03:22:50Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > She just happened to have split with her boyfriend of 6 months I know that’s not such a big coincidence, but there were other little coincidences, one of them being the background of our families, that made me think “this was meant to be.” Her and I were born in the U.S, and not very religious at all (she’s not very religious, I’m an atheist), but we both come from Muslim families (neither of our families are very religious either, but my mother was). I never dated a Muslim before. When I met her I didn’t know she was a Muslim (neither of us look like any of the stereotypes- both of us pretty “All American” looking, and neither of us speak another language than English). When I told her that my mother would be so happy that I was with a Muslim girl, she told me she believed my mother was looking down and allowing this all to happen. With all of the coincidences, this atheist believed it. I was just so filled up with emotion, that I couldn’t help this “meant to be” mentality. And now crashing back down to Earth hurts for multiple reasons. Knowing I won’t hold her again. Rejection. Knowing I let my jealousy ruin getting to be with someone I love. I even prayed today and tried to make deals with God and for Him to let me have the fantastic Saturday night we were supposed to have by making her change her mind. Yet, I still consider myself an atheist and deep inside realize I was just doing that out of desperation, the way I prayed for my mother’s soul after she passed. I know I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I just need to get this out I guess. I wish I could make time speed up and have these horrible feelings leave me. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/37 "2012-09-02T05:45:31Z")
It’s okay to be upset, getting dumped sucks. But do remember to keep things in perspective. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/38 "2012-09-02T06:23:23Z")
It does hurt to lose someone you really felt attached to. However, if she would break up with you over this, then that’s a big sign that she simply wasn’t the right one for you. Somewhere out there there is someone who is an even better match for you who deserves a chance. Don’t get so caught up on this girl that you miss a chance with someone else out there. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/39 "2012-09-02T09:59:20Z")
OP, meet [Dulcinea](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dulcinea). ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402/40 "2012-09-02T11:28:25Z")
So what’s gonna happen if we do help you feel better and you’re stuck with the name **I’m Sad**? Guess you assumed you’d be sad for a while. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-heart-broken-how-do-i-get-through-this/633402.md?page=3)