# I'm hiring staff...who wants a job? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 2, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029 "2006-01-02T02:23:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/1 "2006-01-02T02:23:27Z")
I have resolved that I need people…staff…underlings. Due to her exemplary performance in another thread, I’m thinking of hiring **Susie Derkins** as my Head of Understated Sarcasm. **Lillith Fair** has held the job of Voice of Reason for a good long time now. So get your applications in here, pronto. All positions are available, from Domestic Dogsbodies to Foot Rubbers and Imbibers of Things I Can No Longer Imbibe. Name your job, chances are good it’s not filled yet. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/2 "2006-01-02T02:27:02Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I have resolved that I need people…staff…underlings. > > Due to her exemplary performance in another thread, I’m thinking of hiring **Susie Derkins** as my Head of Understated Sarcasm. > > **Lillith Fair** has held the job of Voice of Reason for a good long time now. > > So get your applications in here, pronto. All positions are available, from Domestic Dogsbodies to Foot Rubbers and Imbibers of Things I Can No Longer Imbibe. Name your job, chances are good it’s not filled yet. Oooh! Oooh! Can I apply for the position of, “Director of the Procrastination Department”? I’ll send you my application tommorow. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/3 "2006-01-02T02:29:01Z")
How much starting salary are you offering, and what is your benefits package? I can start Monday, but I’ll need the rest of the week off. Oh, and I do Windows™, but not windows. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/4 "2006-01-02T02:34:35Z")
You need a pirate. Every office needs a pirate. ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/5 "2006-01-02T02:39:03Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > Due to her exemplary performance in another thread, I’m thinking of hiring **Susie Derkins** as my Head of Understated Sarcasm. Thank you! You have my work sample; I will fax my resume ASAP. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/6 "2006-01-02T02:40:11Z")
\>\>\> Elbows way to the head of the line, knocking **Q.E.D.** over \<\<\< Excuse _you._ Hey. **kittenblue.**'Sup, baby? Uh, at this juncture, I’d like to apply for Emeritus of Ass Kicking. Yeah, uh… my job duties would include Ego Deflating and Reality Checking, Totally Unnecessary Verbal Abuse, Assigner of Profoundly Humilating Tasks and Executor Of Revenge. You don’t need my resume. Know why? I said so. … GOT IT? \>\> Obstinate stare. \<\< Yeah. I’m all yours. Just point 'em out, turn me loose. Everybody be cool. The Emeritus has spoken. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/7 "2006-01-02T02:48:39Z")
> [@Askia](#): > > …I’d like to apply for Emeritus of Ass Kicking. Yeah, uh… my job duties would include Ego Deflating and Reality Checking, Totally Unnecessary Verbal Abuse, Assigner of Profoundly Humilating Tasks and Executor Of Revenge. Why you sumbitch! You’re nothing but a pimple on the butt of creation! I was here first, and you’ll damn well wait your turn! Yo’ mamma so fat, when she sit around the house, she sit AROOOOOOUND the house! Now go clean up the toilet or I’ll mount your head on the wall. Yep, that’s all five. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/8 "2006-01-02T02:57:21Z")
I’m weary of being an underling at my age. Perhaps I could come aboard in a supervisory capacity. Say, Director of Columnnar Vertical Alignment and Visual Thread Integrity? No? Maybe I should just observe. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/9 "2006-01-02T02:58:55Z")
> [@ArrMatey!](#): > > You need a pirate. > Every office needs a pirate. Office? No, sweetie, I’m hiring for the home! Do you provide your own parrot? Is it housebroken? ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/10 "2006-01-02T02:59:03Z")
**Q.E.D.** Man, you wait til’ I get hired. You’re lucky I don’t do freebies. It’s gonna be ON. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/11 "2006-01-02T03:01:04Z")
> [@koeeoaddi](#): > > I’m weary of being an underling at my age. Perhaps I could come aboard in a supervisory capacity. Say, Director of Columnnar Vertical Alignment and Visual Thread Integrity? > > No? > > Maybe I should just observe. I do prefer to promote from within the organization, but some of the underlings might need supervising… ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/12 "2006-01-02T03:03:52Z")
Just point 'em out, and turn me loose. Like that dude over there with “SDSAB” under his name? He seems uppitty. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/13 "2006-01-02T03:10:05Z")
Head of the Secret Police. Sure, in the past mistakes were made…but I have pictures…tapes… Walk with me… ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/14 "2006-01-02T03:13:07Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > I do prefer to promote from within the organization Story of my life. ☹ You know where to find me, **kittenblue**. Don’t wait till **Askia** and **Q.E.D** need … supervising. Second thought, I just remembered, I’ve got some books that need stacking. Thanks for considering me and all. ---
**Author:** ![lonesome\_loser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c68b51/32.png) [@lonesome\_loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lonesome_loser)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/15 "2006-01-02T03:45:22Z")
You need a strong arm? You want my resume or my rap sheet? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/16 "2006-01-02T03:51:28Z")
Well if you need a marauder, warrior, pillager, invader, or anything of that sort I’d like to put my application forward. [Here](http://www.directart.co.uk/mall/images/dhm506.jpg) and [here](http://www.hurstwic.org/history/articles/society/pix/monastery_raid.jpg) are some of my latest works. And BTW, I’ve got some [friends](http://www.fife.50megs.com/img/Viking%20raid%202.jpg) who might be looking for work soon as well. ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/17 "2006-01-02T05:20:13Z")
> [@Dragwyr](#): > > Oooh! Oooh! > > Can I apply for the position of, “Director of the Procrastination Department”? I’ll send you my application tommorow. Second post in the thread–you’re obviously unqualified to be the Director of Procrastination. Way, way too fast. If only you’d waited a couple of days, or even a week or two, you’d be a good candidate. kittenblue, I can be your Misinformation Manager. I’m good at giving out Misinformation, and I can do it with a straight face. I’m also good at providing chocolate and herding small animals. ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/18 "2006-01-02T05:24:43Z")
Destroyer of Ex Boyfriends. Part time. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/19 "2006-01-02T05:35:53Z")
Can I be “Grand Poobah of KickAssery?” The beauty of my job, I don’t actually _do_ anything. My job entails me standing around looking busy and very important. If someone asks me a question, I go off on a tangents about “synergy” and “diversification” and use a lot of two dollar words. When they walk away, they will feel as if they’ve learn a lot, and yet, they are actually stupider for having listened to me. If not that, can I be the “Mistister of Propegand…Truth?” ---
**Author:** ![PapSett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@PapSett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PapSett)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/20 "2006-01-02T06:12:38Z")
Hon, I have been unemployed for a year and a half. Right now I will take ANYTHING. I am a damned good cook, so long as you like plain old home cookin’, nothing fancy. I can take care of any critter you want to put in front of me. I can tell you a story that will keep you enthralled for hours. As a housekeeper… did I mention I am a good cook??? 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029.md?page=2)