# I'm hiring staff...who wants a job? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 2, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029 "2006-01-02T02:23:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/21 "2006-01-02T06:22:49Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > Office? No, sweetie, I’m hiring for the home! Oh, perfect! Every home needs an official Guy Sitting On The Couch, Drinking Beer And Watching Football. And hey, with the playoffs about to start, what better time for me to make a career move? I can start on Saturday. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/22 "2006-01-02T06:35:25Z")
I have experience. Put me in charge of the Department of Redundancy Department. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/23 "2006-01-02T07:09:04Z")
You must need some to run the barbeque and take car of the vehicles. I’m in. When do I start? ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/24 "2006-01-02T07:52:11Z")
I’ll look after the pets! Except **ArrMatey’s** parrot. I have issues with parrots. Maybe **PapSett** can help out with him. ---
**Author:** ![Andros\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Andros\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andros_X)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/25 "2006-01-02T08:14:18Z")
Hmm…is the Foot Rubber position still open? If so, I’m your man. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/26 "2006-01-02T09:59:01Z")
Please find attached my application for the position of Pirate. I am clearly the most qualified applicant for this position, because I was born on National Talk Like a Pirate Day. No, really. I was. Though it wasn’t called NTLAPD yet. I have also served as the Guy on the Couch at parties throughout Tucson, AZ while attending the U of A. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/27 "2006-01-02T11:07:21Z")
Dear Sir or Madman, I would like to apply for the position of _Executive In Charge of Standing Around Looking Busy_. I have extensive experience in this realm, including many months being Chairman of Procrastination at FuckAll University. With my qualifications of an MA in Doodling, a BSc in Fartarsing About, and a Dip. of Buggering Around, I am an ideal candidate. I look forward to your response. Yours GuanoLad The Guy With The Questionable Name ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/28 "2006-01-02T11:32:52Z")
**Kittenblue** , you have a problem. And I’ll tell you what it is: difficult cushioning for your new employees! When you hire so many people at once, suddenly you’ll find that you need new chairs, office furniture, couches, and even beds if you’re keeping your staff on-site. It’s difficult to commute to most secret island bases, so 9 out of 10 evil geniuses choose to bunk their henchman. Within a week of moving your new crew in, there will be complaints: “My chair’s too hard!” “This mattress provides too much support!” “My couch fails to correctly adjust to my body!” That’s where I come in. With a strict regimen of sitting on my ass and loafing, I can pre-use your furniture to maximize your regime’s comfort, thus increasing productivity. You can’t afford _not_ to hire me! ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/29 "2006-01-02T13:14:22Z")
Do you need a General Secretary of Tortured Rationalizations? I can double as a Director of Amoral Coldbloodedness, or a Minister of Hopeless Romanticism. I can also type, pilot, and be your “Guy who can Get Things (with a Minimum of Fuss and a Usual Overhead Fee).” ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/30 "2006-01-02T14:25:17Z")
Oh! Put me in charge of the money! I’d spend it…I mean look after it… well. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/31 "2006-01-02T16:49:24Z")
You also need An Official Collector of Shiny Things that Light Up (OCoSTtLU), A.K.A. Commander General of Photon Emitter Deployment, I have a wide range of lighting instruments, perfect for annoying pets and frightening away childern, burgulars, and other undesirables, heck, right now i have no less than 4 Photon-Projector units on my person… you may also need a Rabid Conspiracy Theory Plotter and General Paranoid Head-Case, of which i am also qualified… what are the benefits of employment, do you have health/dental/vision plans (i may need vision coverage, especially after judicious use of my green laser pointer, that thing’s morbidly bright) then of course, if you _don’t_ hire me, i can only assume it’s because you’re one of _THEM_… \ (sneaks away towards the door, blinding everyone one last time with a blast from his powerful Photon Projection Unit (PPU)…) ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/32 "2006-01-02T17:07:14Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > Office? No, sweetie, I’m hiring for the home! > > Do you provide your own parrot? Is it housebroken? Monkey. And yes he is. ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/33 "2006-01-02T18:14:05Z")
I’d like to apply to be the company scapegoat. In an business environment filled with pirates, people standing around looking busy, and Askia and Q.E.D. at each other’s throat, you are gonna need _somebody_ to take the blame. I’d like that person to be me. Thank you, and, er, I’m sorry, I won’t let that happen again. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/34 "2006-01-02T19:27:11Z")
I’d like to apply for the position of “Cranky Computer Nerd who spends all his time not doing anything useful, just playing games.” I have much experience in the field, and I can fix most problems that will come up, with a lot of bitching and moaning. Furthermore, I’m experienced in “Old Guy who chases the kids out of his yard” skills. I can keep the neighbors at bay with suspicious-looking activity and blank stares. Just give an old creep a chance, willya? ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/35 "2006-01-02T19:45:30Z")
I’m applying for the position of **Sudden Revealer of Useless Facts You Didn’t Know You Wanted to Know.** You may find you’re the only homeowner on the block who employs one of those, and your neighbors may be envious. I also give unusually good neck & back rubs. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/36 "2006-01-02T19:56:17Z")
I’d like to apply for the 1337 translator position. I am teh smartz, I am teh funneh, I am, simply, teh r0xx0rz in ur b0xx0rz. Sincerely, 4||45745430|| zomgwtfz! pwned! lolz0rz the funneh!!!oneone!!eleven u r teh nubcaek ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/37 "2006-01-03T03:25:53Z")
Wow. So many qualified applicants. Except **Anastasaeon** …sorry, but spelling counts! And now that I think of it, **BraheSilver** avoiding those new furniture complaints IS important. Especially if **Hal Briston** is utilizing the couch. **Good Egg** I’ll be emailing you the particulars of your first assignment, or if you are in a hurry you can go check out my Pit thread. \*\* Rick, PapSett, AndrosX, \*\* you are all in…can you start tomorrow? **MagicEyes, \*\* I feel the need for chocolate now, and the small animals are stampeding as we speak, so show me your stuff! But \*\* Mad Hermit** I regret to inform you that I need a computer guy who actually does stuff, and I’m trying to get the neighbors to like me since my elderly mother is the neighborhood grouch this decade. The position of pirate has apparently more applicants than I thought possible, so I guess we will have to have auditons, or interviews, or plank-walking demonstrations before I make a decision. What I seem to need right now is a Human Resources Director! And no one has applied for Paramour yet, but it was a holiday weekend. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/38 "2006-01-03T03:29:17Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > …I need a computer guy who actually does stuff… Oooooo! Oooooo! _raises hand and hops up and down_ Forget the strongarm/bully/big meanie job, **Askia** can have it. I want this one! Did I mention I do Windows™? ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/39 "2006-01-03T03:33:46Z")
I didn’t see my name and the small animals are stampeding…hmmm… Well?! :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/40 "2006-01-03T03:35:51Z")
> [@zoogirl](#): > > …the small animals are stampeding… Are they kitties? I like kitties. Or meerkats! I want a meerkat for my very own. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029.md?page=3)