# I'm hiring staff...who wants a job? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 2, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029 "2006-01-02T02:23:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/41 "2006-01-03T03:53:53Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > Wow. So many qualified applicants. Except **Anastasaeon** …sorry, but spelling counts! You misunderstand - that’s why you need me! I\* translate \* that crap. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/42 "2006-01-03T05:15:45Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > Are they kitties? I like kitties. Or meerkats! I want a meerkat for my very own. Meerkats?! :eek: WHERE?!!! I _love_ meerkats. You can’t have just one, though. You hafta have a flock of’em. Actually, I think it’s properly a “gang” of meerkats. I’ve seen one at the Vancouver Zoo. Cute little begger, but awful lonely looking. Hey, **ArrMatey** , define “monkey”. Capuchins might be okay, or spider monkeys, but no marmosets! One of the worst critters I ever knew was an Evil Marmoset named Velvet. Her idea of fun was standing up against the bars and peeing at people - and boy could she pee! Couple feet, at least! ( :smack: “wipe” ) Pretty impressive, for a girl! ---
**Author:** ![Atticus\_Finch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/43 "2006-01-03T05:44:56Z")
Can I be your **Smarmy, Unctuous Second Banana Who Is Actually Conniving To Dethrone You, Possibly Through Violence, And Rule In Your Stead**? I also like the titles **Grand Vizier** and **Vice-President** - no! **Junior Vice-President**! ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/44 "2006-01-03T05:47:38Z")
Aha! As per [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=352233), I have figured out my niche: I am a master duster! Brooms? Feather dusters? Pledge and rags? I can do it. Matter of fact, I am a master housekeeper, having been trained under the watchful eye of an evil stepmother and her daughters, and missed many a ball because of it. I can bake, too. And cook. And still filter any 1337 junk that comes your way. As shown above, I am quite proficient at it, however much it digusts me. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/45 "2006-01-03T06:18:47Z")
Gee, I didn’t realize you wanted real skills! I guess it’s one of the reasons I haven’t worked very much this millenium. Well, you’re in Cleveland, according to the location line, so I don’t think I would be very welcome there. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/46 "2006-01-03T07:20:01Z")
Staff researcher. I read threads, so you don’t have to. Ask me anything. Also iPod manager. _My_ iPod. ---
**Author:** ![Bernard\_Marx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@Bernard\_Marx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bernard_Marx)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/47 "2006-01-03T09:24:22Z")
> [@Rico](#): > > I have experience. > > Put me in charge of the Department of Redundancy Department. Obviously you can’t have just _one_ Minister of Redundancy Minister, so I would like to offer my services as the other one. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/48 "2006-01-03T12:11:13Z")
> [@MagicEyes](#): > > Second post in the thread–you’re obviously unqualified to be the Director of Procrastination. Way, way too fast. If only you’d waited a couple of days, or even a week or two, you’d be a good candidate. > > kittenblue, I can be your Misinformation Manager. I’m good at giving out Misinformation, and I can do it with a straight face. I’m also good at providing chocolate and herding small animals. Ok then. I’d like to apply for the position of, “Director of Empty Promises”. I swear to you that as director of this esteemed position I will treat my suboordinates with respect, consistantly run my department ontime and under budget, and increase profits by %500. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/49 "2006-01-03T14:15:25Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > Oooooo! Oooooo! _raises hand and hops up and down_ Forget the strongarm/bully/big meanie job, **Askia** can have it. Like there was doubt that would be the outcome, Horshack. Now that I’m officially Emeritus, I guess I’ll retire immediately and take my full benefits package. 😃 It was wonderful working here. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/50 "2006-01-03T14:18:34Z")
I’m sure I could make myself useful. Have you filled the position of _pencil sharpener_? How about _snarky, arrogant techie_? I also make _really good coffee_. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/51 "2006-01-03T14:35:35Z")
You’ll need an official **Morning Smoother Outer**. My duties would include: - Making sure **Winston Smith** has an adequate supply of coffee for you to wake up to. - Ensuring that your alarm goes off in a peaceful, non-buzzy sort of way. - Having the shower/bath water pre-warmed. - Breakfast. ( I make a mean bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios) ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/52 "2006-01-03T16:06:10Z")
OK, I see that no-one has had the foresight to apply as **Zombie Master**. When the zombies come (and they _will_ come; oh, yes they will), you’re going to need someone in your household who will be able to handle ‘em like they need to be handled. And, frankly, _like_ to be handled. Nobody handles zombies like Ol’ Uncle Lacha, over here. I’m yer man. Vote for me, 2006! Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/53 "2006-01-03T16:40:23Z")
I don’t see any listings for Telephone Sanitizers either… i can bring my patented “Mossberg 500” telephone sanitizer device, one blast from it, and you’ll never have to worry about dirty telephones again… here, let me give you a free demo… \ \ \ there, nice and clean, don’t have to worry about nasty viruses on _that_ phone… anyone else have a phone they need “sanitized” (racks slide) ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2006, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/54 "2006-01-03T22:26:16Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > \*\*MagicEyes, \*\* I feel the need for chocolate now, and the small animals are stampeding as we speak, so show me your stuff! Here’s how I [herd small animals](http://www.public.iastate.edu/~jwalbaum/hamp/hamp.htm). See those nice, neat little rows? That takes real talent! You can see more examples of my herding skills [here.](http://www.unc.edu/~melaniem/bunnies.htm) I just got a box of Joseph Schmidt truffles–half-price! Love those after-Christmas sales. Come on over any time and have a truffle. **Anastaseon,** when you’re done dusting **kittenblue’s** place, could you come over here and help me dust? I haven’t dusted for a while, and it’s starting to get kinda scary. I think the dust bunnies are plotting to attack me while I’m sleeping. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/55 "2006-01-04T00:44:14Z")
Can I be the weird middle-aged gun guy with all the Vietnam War paraphenalia around his cubicle and the staring problem? Talk about job security!! ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/56 "2006-01-04T06:26:00Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > Are they kitties? I like kitties. Or meerkats! I want a meerkat for my very own. Yes, they are kitties, and they stampede every night at 11 pm. Up the stairs, around the computer desk, into the bathroom, back out into son’s room, in one door of my room and out the other, down the stairs, back up the stairs…every single freakin’ night. It may take all three of you (fine, **zoogirl** you’re in) to manage this herd. The fish are easy. **Winston** I’m sorry, but I don’t drink coffee. But we do have tons of dust, so **Anastasaeon** , I guess we’ve found a spot for you. And **Q.E.D.** if I hire you, maybe my son will move out! Since \*\*Bernard Marx \*\* caught an obvious oversight, he has proved himself to be indispensable. And despite the coffee problem, I feel my mornings could use some smoothing out, \*\*Mr. Bus Guy \*\*. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/57 "2006-01-04T07:42:13Z")
Appears all of the cat-herding positions have been taken. I was busy with the squeakers. Let’s see… I guess I’m useless. Please don’t tell Mr. SCL. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/58 "2006-01-04T07:58:59Z")
Kitties? Oh, that’s fine! I have three of my own. Hmmm… the 11:00 Stampede…lessee…ah, got it! (Goes off to pack up sachets of SooperDrooper Finest-Kind Catnip and Muscle Relaxant. One whiff of this stuff and the kitties will be helpless masses of purring fur for hours. 😉 ) ---
**Author:** ![Greebo\_Ogg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e19adc/32.png) [@Greebo\_Ogg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greebo_Ogg)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/59 "2006-01-04T09:26:15Z")
Uhm, hello? I seem to be a bit late. _shakes custard out of his ear_ I would like to apply for the position of semi-official Cat Of All Trades. If it’s not too much bother, of course. Not that I care. Caring would be soo uncat-like. But I will meow softly and have a deep resonant purrrrrrr. I give excellent leg-rubs for food, and promise not to scratch up the furniture too much. Well, I won’t scratch the ugly couch in the corner, with the Guy Sitting On The Couch, Drinking Beer And Watching Football on it. I’ll just use that when I need to cough up a hairball and think to myself “I hope I can make it to the couch?” ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029/60 "2006-01-04T09:50:47Z")
> [@MagicEyes](#): > > Here’s how I [herd small animals](http://www.public.iastate.edu/~jwalbaum/hamp/hamp.htm). See those nice, neat little rows? That takes real talent! You can see more examples of my herding skills [here.](http://www.unc.edu/~melaniem/bunnies.htm) > > I just got a box of Joseph Schmidt truffles–half-price! Love those after-Christmas sales. Come on over any time and have a truffle. > > **Anastaseon,** when you’re done dusting **kittenblue’s** place, could you come over here and help me dust? I haven’t dusted for a while, and it’s starting to get kinda scary. I think the dust bunnies are plotting to attack me while I’m sleeping. :eek: Can’t you just herd the dust bunnies into the bin? Not much of a small animal herder, are you? I’d like to apply for the position of Head Wench. All your Wenchly duties fufilled. I’ll keep your pirates happy, your bars swabbed and your beer flowing. Ribald humor and sarcasm a specialty. No corset too tight. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-hiring-staff-who-wants-a-job/338029.md?page=4)