# I'm in love with a lesbian **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 17, 2003, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563 "2003-02-17T03:39:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/21 "2003-02-17T15:33:13Z")
That is some terrible advice. Thanks Terrible Advice Fairy. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/22 "2003-02-17T15:56:11Z")
For what it’s worth, here’s my experience: My high school girlfriend left me for an older woman. We had a bitter breakup, and didn’t speak for about five years (well, we spoke about once a year, until we finally were able to hash through the travails of our breakup). Around the time we started talking again, she told me that she’d developed a crush on her next-door neighbor, a dreamy guy. Huh? I thought. Wha-?? And soon, she’d broken up with her girlfriend (same one she’d dumped me for). Had a passionate affair with neighbor-boy. Moved to Mexico and met the man of her dreams. Last June, she got married, to a man. Some folks’ sexuality is more fluid than other folks’, I think. Maybe Jen’s one of those folks; maybe not. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/23 "2003-02-17T16:06:51Z")
Cut your losses. Let her go. Do not be in love with her. Trust me on this one. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/24 "2003-02-17T18:12:20Z")
Hank: Is is possible she might be bisexual? I would inquire of her before writing off a romance. ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/25 "2003-02-17T18:25:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Peyote Coyote \* > \*\*Hank: Is is possible she might be bisexual? I would inquire of her before writing off a romance. \*\* That is what I was thinking. I could deal with that. ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/26 "2003-02-17T18:51:14Z")
Lesbians like me a lot, I don’t know why, must be something about being Deaf. At any rate I treat them as people too, just like I treat any other person. Sure, I have been attracted to them & when they see that, whether real or imagined they usually say, ‘oh, handy, I’m a lesbian’… Not that it stops me or anything from telling them how attractive they are 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/27 "2003-02-18T00:58:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by handy \* > **Lesbians like me a lot, I don’t know why, must be something about being Deaf.** So **that’s** why you call yourself “handy”! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/28 "2003-02-18T01:01:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hank Fescue \* > \*\*There is a movie? Wow. I must see that. Thanks. \*\* In fact, there’s a certain long-winded soliloquy that Ben Affleck delivers in this movie, which some women have assured me is one of the most romantic speeches ever said on screen. If worse comes to worst, you could try using that speech on your lesbian heartthrob in a last-ditch attempt to win her love. (Just be aware that it may also drive her away, because you’ll be layin’ all your cards on the table.) ---
**Author:** ![Lilly\_Putt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Lilly\_Putt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilly_Putt)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/29 "2003-02-18T01:11:38Z")
rickjay- how may I acquire the services of the terrible advice fairy? I searched in google, to no avail. ---
**Author:** ![B.Pants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@B.Pants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Pants)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/30 "2003-02-18T01:24:35Z")
**Lily Putt:** [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=163688) is where you can find the Terrible Advice Fairy. ---
**Author:** ![Mearl\_Dox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Mearl\_Dox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mearl_Dox)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/31 "2003-02-18T01:37:59Z")
As a lesbian who’s tried dating men I liked a lot as friends and got along with perfectly… it didn’t work. Friendship is possibly the most important thing in a relationship, but it’s not the only thing. Without any attraction just holding hands felt awkward… kissing had no appeal at all. If she’s really a lesbian (and not bi, and not open to trying you out) I’d just try to forget about it. And don’t write her love poems and give her nice jewelry out of nowhere. Please, in the name of god, don’t do that. Trust me on this. ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/32 "2003-02-18T02:17:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mearlchan \* > > And don’t write her love poems and give her nice jewelry out of nowhere. Please, in the name of god, don’t do that. Trust me on this. \*\* Uh oh. I sent her some silver from Mexico a couple months ago. She seemed to like it and the thought. Could be wrong. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. As far as poetry, I am a songwriter, what did you expect me to do? She has heard the song performed. I think she was embarassed. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=162702](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=162702) ---
**Author:** ![SojournerSamson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/67e7ee/32.png) [@SojournerSamson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SojournerSamson)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/33 "2003-02-18T02:21:41Z")
Could your desire for her be driven by the unattainable , the novel,the chase ? Have you any past bisexual relationship yourself? Maybe you should find an oppurtunity to ask her : Under what circumstances could we be lovers? ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/34 "2003-02-18T02:30:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SojournerSamson \* > \*\*Could your desire for her be driven by the unattainable , the novel,the chase ? > Have you any past bisexual relationship yourself? > > Maybe you should find an oppurtunity to ask her : Under what circumstances could we be lovers? \*\* Very possible that some of the attraction lies therein. Not all of it, mind you. I was feeling pretty good about things before I found out she was gay. A friend of mine says I go looking for these kind of things because I am not happy, short of emotional chaos. I have dated a bisexual woman before, if that is what you are asking. I have never had such an encounter myself. Yep. Looking for just that opportunity and the right words to say. ---
**Author:** ![SojournerSamson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/67e7ee/32.png) [@SojournerSamson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SojournerSamson)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/35 "2003-02-18T02:42:24Z")
Why didn’t you make a Valentine confession? Face to face may not be the best approach. If a male friend said he wanted a relationship with you wouldn’t you want to think about the kindest way to redlight or greenlight? FYI this is my humble bisexual advice. ---
**Author:** ![Mearl\_Dox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Mearl\_Dox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mearl_Dox)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/36 "2003-02-18T03:13:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hank Fescue \* > \*\*Uh oh. I sent her some silver from Mexico a couple months ago. She seemed to like it and the thought. Could be wrong. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. > > As far as poetry, I am a songwriter, what did you expect me to do? She has heard the song performed. I think she was embarassed. > \*\* Well… it could just be me. But when a guy who knew I was a lesbian did those things to me, it just made me feel really uncomfortable and slightly annoyed. I mean, how would you feel if a guy (assuming you’re straight) started giving you expensive gifts and singing love songs for you? A little flattered, sure, but at least in my case it also made me very uncomfortable. I guess all I’m saying is not to push it if she knows you like her and she’s still ignoring it or flat-out telling you “I’m gay.” And I can’t help but feel really annoyed when I read ideas to try to change her mind… if she’s honestly not attracted to men, she’s not. Speeches will just make it more uncomfortable. You might have to just accept that this can’t happen, and try to move on. I don’t want to sound cold, but… some things just can’t be. ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/37 "2003-02-18T03:21:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SojournerSamson \* > \*\*Why didn’t you make a Valentine confession? > Face to face may not be the best approach. > If a male friend said he wanted a relationship with you wouldn’t you want to think about the kindest way to redlight or greenlight? > > FYI this is my humble bisexual advice. \*\* I sent a card. Nothing too serious. I have thoroughly considered this from the point of view you mention. I had a guy with a crush on me once. He acted about like I am now. I talked to him and was kind and flattered but not interested. He was disappointed but seemed to appreciate the gesture. After all the advice here, I think I will have to screw up my courage and talk to her face to face and get it out. ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/38 "2003-02-18T03:34:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mearlchan \* > \*\*Well… it could just be me. But when a guy who knew I was a lesbian did those things to me, it just made me feel really uncomfortable and slightly annoyed. I mean, how would you feel if a guy (assuming you’re straight) started giving you expensive gifts and singing love songs for you? A little flattered, sure, but at least in my case it also made me very uncomfortable. > > I guess all I’m saying is not to push it if she knows you like her and she’s still ignoring it or flat-out telling you “I’m gay.” And I can’t help but feel really annoyed when I read ideas to try to change her mind… if she’s honestly not attracted to men, she’s not. Speeches will just make it more uncomfortable. You might have to just accept that this can’t happen, and try to move on. I don’t want to sound cold, but… some things just can’t be. \*\* I do realize all of this could be making Jen uncomfortable but if it is, I can’t tell. She always greets me with glee and she always ask me if we are going out after the show. She makes herself comfy in her PJs and sits on the sofa with me and listens to music and talks and shares. I don’t want to change Jen. That is not an option. I just want to know what the options are and I guess it just boils down to me being afraid of the answer and/or consequences thereafter. ---
**Author:** ![Mearl\_Dox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Mearl\_Dox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mearl_Dox)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/39 "2003-02-18T03:47:47Z")
It sounds like you guys are really good friends, which is great. Probably asking her straight-forwardly is the best option right now after all. If nothing else, it’ll get everything out in the open. ---
**Author:** ![Hank\_Fescue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/49beb7/32.png) [@Hank\_Fescue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hank_Fescue)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563/40 "2003-02-18T04:07:37Z")
Thanks for the advice everyone. I’ll see Jen again on 22nd next month. I’ll let you know how it turns out. **SCWolf** , come on out to the show. I’ll spot you a beer. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/im-in-love-with-a-lesbian/155563.md?page=3)